DD(23) can't get time off work over Christmas.

[drivinmecrazy]

DD1 is 23 and working post graduation, fully independent but living at home and a big part of family life.

DD2 is 18 and just finished her first year at uni.

Previous years we've done a couple of days away in the lake district usually leaving on Boxing Day.

This year DH & I thought it might be nice to spend Christmas Day in the lakes.

It turns out DD1 has no holiday availability over Christmas so wouldn't be able to join us.

Obviously we've knocked our plans on the head and will be going on Boxing Day.

But I'm feeling a bit conflicted.

DD1 wouldn't be on her own on Christmas Day, we don't have an extended family but would be able and welcome to spend the day with her BF and her partner.

We wouldn't exclude DD1 without a second thought, but she's an adult surely?

When is it ok to make plans not including children?

You don’t care anout traditions but obviously op’s children care very much.

She might enjoy Christmas on her own
.I would have loved it but could never get my family to bog off somewhere 😆
From 16 I never went on holiday with them either. I was working and they never invited me anyway
It was blissful 😊 ☺️

What? You're all spending Xmas day together so why can't you still go on Boxing Day? She's chosen to use her leave for other things which is absolutely fine. But she's an adult and surely must understand that she can't have it every way??

Personally at the start of next year I would just say we are planning to go away X-Y would you like to join us, if so make sure you DD1 reserve your AL in time and DD2 is back in time to travel from uni.

I always went home for Christmas during uni and my 20s and 30s (apart from one year abroad, and another where I had to work)

They're definitely old enough to start new traditions but give them the option of joining or not.

Enjoy yourselves

Do the "same old same old" this year but at least start laying things on the line for next year. Next year will be Christmas Day in the lakes. DD1 either saves up her leave and comes along, or she doesn't.

It's time she recognised herself as an independent adult among other adults. No longer a stroppy teen who pulls a face and gets what she wants.

For example, we will ALWAYS have a rack of venison Christmas Day. I suggested another meat last year and was lambasted by my children with cries of 'but that's what we've always had!'

You're the cook and the host? Then you don't suggest, you tell them. After the outcry "yes, and this year we're having something a bit different. It will be lovely". Family Christmas traditions evolve over time. And if you haven't learned to cheerfully ignore a "death stare" - or tell them how rude they are being! - then surely it's high time.

I think given that it's not even August yet it's not unreasonable for you to do Christmas differently this year as your DC have several months to get used to the idea and make other plans if they wish. It would be unkind spring it on them last minute with no time for planning.

If you want to start to shake up your Christmas traditions that's fine, they're adults and you shouldn't have to put it off if you don't want to. What if they're single in their 40s and still expect a traditional Christmas? Think about how long you'd be prepared to wait.

No I wouldn’t go without her when she still lives at home. I’d rather have Christmas at home all 4 of us, as surely those days are numbered now.

I think you should go on Boxing Day with Dd2.

You'll have Xmas day together. Dd1 has started to pull away from the nuclear family Xmas by not saving leave for it - as is perfectly normal at that age. She has other people to be with.

It's time to move on from 'childhood' Xmases and you and DH are allowed to enjoy a more you-focussed version.

Be careful what you wish for. If you choose to de-prioritise her for Christmas in favour of more exciting plans (which presumably you could do at other times of year), don’t be surprised if she does the same to you. Especially when there are in laws and even grandchildren to consider.

If she was working because she couldn't get time off due to rota, I'd say consider her feelings more - the fact she's used all her holiday time up and not accounted for Christmas is her choice.

You say she's an independent adult making her own decisions, and that she knew you wanted to go away this year due to problems last year - then she should have made arrangements.

I get why you're feeling conflicted, but by not going she still has to work but now you don't get a holiday either. She's 23 and a postgrad.

Apologies for the snippiness (I'm tired from a very early start 🥱). I just hate the assumption everyone gets Christmas off if they want. Plus I have no way of knowing the person I quoted works shifts.
I assumed the OP's DD was working shifts, as she has no holidays over Christmas, but I guess she works normal office hours Mon-Fri. As she has chosen to use her annual leave for other things, I think it's clear she didn't think her family would plan a holiday at Christmas. Communication is the issue here (parents assumed she would take annual leave), and compromise is the solution (don't go, shorter break, go at a different time etc)

They are adults make your own plans

Tbf, our dc are adults and live away from home, but we always spend xmas together. If DH and I decided to go away for Christmas, and one of ours couldn't come because of work, we would consult them about it. One of ours would be really put out if we went ahead without them, the other wouldn't be bothered.

So I guess it comes down to your dd and whether she would be upset about it.

For example, we will ALWAYS have a rack of venison Christmas Day. I suggested another meat last year and was lambasted by my children with cries of 'but that's what we've always had!'

Well maybe they can cook a half rack for themselves & you could have something different.

I think we'd been married about 10yrs before my husband said that he didn't really like turkey😂

Eta I'd probably have CD & BD at home & then a couple of days away without the kids(?)

I think it's a hurtful thing to do. Wait for your DD and all go together..at that age, too, who knows if she'll still be with her boyfriend by Christmas!

For me Christmas festive period is about traditions based around family and I would prioritise that over a break away, leaving one family member behind, that can be done at anytime of the year.

ds is only 20, maybe in 4 years spending the festive period with him will have "worn thin", but I hope not.

You can't leave a junior doctor on her own? Then again the state of the NHS I wouldn't leave my worst enemy in their care.

You must appreciate that things can't stay the same forever, surely. Your children grow up, get married, move away, etc etc. From now on, every year at Christmas may be different.

I don't think the daughter has any AL at all.

What an unfair thing to say.

When do they start living their life away from cooking and entertaining ADULTS not children. I think they should go away for Christmas if that's what they want they are no longer children. They are only hanging around for free food and Christmas presents it's tedious.

We could go away another time but it's become a bit of a tradition to go away between Christmas and new year, she knows this

Traditions were made to be broken, especially when children grow up - you just have to adapt to the changing circumstances.

Just reread the OP.

I think it's fine to go BD.

You & your husband have already compromised by staying at home for CD.

Supposing she had time & a long term boyfriend wanted her to go to his or go away-would she refuse for the same of a family Christmas?

I wish it was the news is reporting the scandalous behaviour that is happening in the NHS every week.

It's fine to go on Boxing Day, she's an adult.