DD(23) can't get time off work over Christmas.

[drivinmecrazy]

DD1 is 23 and working post graduation, fully independent but living at home and a big part of family life.

DD2 is 18 and just finished her first year at uni.

Previous years we've done a couple of days away in the lake district usually leaving on Boxing Day.

This year DH & I thought it might be nice to spend Christmas Day in the lakes.

It turns out DD1 has no holiday availability over Christmas so wouldn't be able to join us.

Obviously we've knocked our plans on the head and will be going on Boxing Day.

But I'm feeling a bit conflicted.

DD1 wouldn't be on her own on Christmas Day, we don't have an extended family but would be able and welcome to spend the day with her BF and her partner.

We wouldn't exclude DD1 without a second thought, but she's an adult surely?

When is it ok to make plans not including children?

I wouldn’t dream of going away without our young adult DC over the Christmas period unless they already had plans and therefore not impacted.
Each family works differently though but if your DD’s face tells you she’s upset, why would you?

You are lucky! We get told about 2 weeks before Christmas if we are working or not Christmas Day!

So she hasn’t rationed her holiday days to be free over the Xmas period? But deep down wants you to amend your plans to be at home while she works so she’s not alone in the evenings which she might spend with her boyfriend anyway?

Do you see the illogic? She can’t take her holidays when she wants and have you take your holidays when she wants too. Doesn’t work that way. She’ll be fine. Lesson learned. It’s part of starting work, rationing holiday days.

She always dips in and out of our family holidays.
If we go away for three weeks she'll usually join us for a few days.

I guess I'd expected her to do the same this time but she literally doesn't have any holiday time unaccounted for

You could go the day after Boxing Day. That seems reasonable to me, given your updates

I’d go from Boxing Day onwards . She clearly knows what you plan and has decided to use her leave on other trips which is fine. You’ll be with her Christmas Eve and Christmas Day id go.

Well if she has used up all her holiday leave then I don't see how she can be expecting you to accommodate her? If going away at Christmas was a priority for her she would have held a few days back. I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to spend Christmas at home with her and then go to the Lake District on Boxing Day. Between work and spending time with her BF and family she's not exactly going to be moping around at home.

I'm confused. If you were asking whether it would have been fair to go away over Christmas Day, then I think that would be unfair. Being a small family unit together on the day seems your tradition, and changing that to something she doesn't have enough warning to join is unkind.

If you are asking whether you are unreasonable to go away Boxing Day to New Year, if you have been doing that for a number of years, she could reasonably have foreseen it, and choose to prioritise her leave for other holidays then I think it's fine for you to crack on. Especially if you are spending Christmas Day with her.

I wanted to go away for Christmas this year but DC1 is working Christmas Day and Boxing Day so we'll stay at home.

As you asking MN to tell you its OK? You'll get plenty of people on here (like the PP who said it's entirely your DD's fault FFS) telling you to leave her, or leave all your kids whatever, for any reason. But I would never give up the chance of spending time with my adult DDs (similar age as yours) because in years to come, there'll be plenty of opportunity to be without them, don't worry about that OP.

She is an adult, she knew you go away at Christmas yet she choose to use all her leave. Either she planned it that way but doesn't want to tell you that she want's to spend the day with her boyfriend or she can't think further than next week and plan or she thinks her boss will give her extra leave because her mummy wants her to go on holiday.

Having read the situation better here yes I would go as you are not actually away for Christmas Day and leaving her .. she’s in her 20s and chose herself to use annual leave as she wished to

I misread and thought you had the option of going on the 25th and 26th and in that situation I thought she was working that day but you would be together Christmas night

We are not now going for Christmas Day so will all be all together.

I just wondered when it would be reasonable to make plans for a Christmas DH & I might like.

Both DDs are used to spending the day with us, playing games and eating wonderful food.

They love it.

For DH & I it's wearing a bit thin.

We just thought we'd shake it up a bit.

Obviously from this thread I've given my head a little wobble and realise this might not happen for many many many years!!! 😂

I have lived with people that have had to work over Christmas

We have therefore chosen an alternative time & date to celebrate our Christmas together

@drivinmecrazy *I just wondered when it would be reasonable to make plans for a Christmas DH & I might like.

Both DDs are used to spending the day with us, playing games and eating wonderful food.

They love it.

For DH & I it's wearing a bit thin.*

Wow. These are your daughters. It's Christmas Day. It sounds like they enjoy the nostalgia of the traditions you four have made over the years. You and your husband can have a few nights away any weekend. Would love to see your thread in 10 years if both DDs have children - 'My DDs won't see me on Christmas Day and are choosing to stay with their in-laws. AIBU to think this is a day for family?'

I'm 34 and have never spent a Christmas Day away from 'home' (my childhood home).

@drivinmecrazy - if it is something you really want to do, then I think that you should tell them NOW that next year you would really like to be able to go away for a few days over Christmas and ask them how they would feel about that. That way if they would be happy to do that, then you can ask them to make sure they have leave set aside for the purpose?

I can guarantee you that at some point, one or both of them will get another offer that really appeals - and they will take it. It's lovely that they still want to spend Christmas with you, but in spite of what others have said on here, they ARE old enough for you to explain that you would like to do something different for a change - and they have a choice to make!!

You are getting some very harsh resonses on here. You daughter is an adult not a child. Have Christmas day as a family and go away boxing day or day after. Thats exactly waht I would do. Your daughter has a boyfriend, they will prbably enjoy the time of being togetehr at your alone (I know at that age living at home I would be).

But wouldn’t YOU rather spend Christmas with your daughter? I know I would. Especially since it’s obviously a big thing for her.

Or could she take unpaid leave?

Some of my favourite memories are of dh and my travels around Christmas time. Admittedly they were pre-dd but I hope they'll resume once she's a grown up. I recommend Iceland, Copenhagen or Vienna

I think have Christmas at home then go to the Lakes just after when DD is available.

Obviously 🙄
Lots of people work Christmas and holidays that others take for granted, and they can't just take the time off. 20 plus years in a shift working job in which we work 24/7/365 and still people ask me this question.

Of course it's ok to plan a different version of Christmas - provided everyone has enough notice to plan around it. That may be joining you or not, as the case maybe.

Probably not this year but go mad for Christmas 2025. Get planning.

Sorry you don't like a day spent with your daughters eating wonderful food and seeing them having a day they love??

Why? You'd prefer toast and misery?

OP said "She obviously has Christmas Day off"

so err... no need to be snippy. Also I'm pretty sure the person you quoted works shifts. I think OP means her daughter is working 27th, e.g.