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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling pressured to take DS' girlfriend on holiday

162 replies

SandiAndi · 17/07/2024 10:55

Some background first. DS is 17, just finished Y12, we moved his school after GCSEs as he was having a rough time. We live rurally and options for a good school with good sixth form options were very limited so we have stretched ourselves and gone private. We also have twins who are 11 and will be going to the state school after summer.
DS settled in well at the new school but still doesn't really have much in the way of friends, he's quite introverted. However he does now have a girlfriend of about 8 months. She's lovely and has really brought him out his shell (they were the only two taking A-Level Latin so I think he felt more confident around her).

In 4 weeks we are going to Greece, we have an Airbnb. DS came in a few days ago saying that his girlfriend's family have offered to take him to Italy with them on holiday next week. He asked if it was ok and said her dad was happy to pay for the flight etc. obviously he will need spending money but he works so has some of his own and I'm happy to tip it up.

Now DH thinks we need to invite his girlfriend with us, I'll be honest I don't want to! She's lovely, very sweet and kind, but I never feel truly relaxed around her. We have also had well let's say issues with the volume of their recreational activities should we say!! And
I imagine it will be worse in a Airbnb! I could do without hearing that on holiday.

DH thinks it will be great, twins will entertain each other, DS will go do things with his girlfriend and we can relax, plus they can babysit a few nights. He also thinks it's really rude not to.

So AIBU to not want to invite her? Should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 17/07/2024 10:56

YANBU at all! Don’t invite her.

Octavia64 · 17/07/2024 10:59

You don't need to invite the girlfriend.

There is not the same need to reciprocate with holidays.

They have almost certainly invited your DS so their DD has someone to be around if her own age as it can be a difficult age. It's to make their holiday easier.

WindsurfingDreams · 17/07/2024 10:59

No, I think it's really important that teens get time apart when they are in relationships. It's really unhealthy when they do everything together.

I've seen parents encourage/support almost "marriage" like relationships at this age and its never healthy

Teach them that a good relationship can survive time apart

loropianalover · 17/07/2024 11:00

You’re not obligated to invite her. I see where your DH is coming from but I can completely understand wanting your one holiday to just be family time and not feel like you’re looking after someone else’s child.

DS will get his holiday with her in Italy so he’ll be fine.

Hoppinggreen · 17/07/2024 11:01

I think IF you invite her its because you all as a family want her there but NOT because you feel obliged to.
They are going to Italy together anyway

Janieforever · 17/07/2024 11:01

I’d invite her, I think he has a point, they can do their own thing, the twins entertain each other, and you and your husband do your thing, and he’s offered to baby sit. I’d see it as a win, although I’d tell him to keep it down at night.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 17/07/2024 11:02

If I could afford it and liked her I would - but I’d also be shutting down the noisy sex, especially with 11 yr olds around. I’d also check the younger ones were ok with her coming, it’s their holiday too.

Skybluepinky · 17/07/2024 11:02

Sounds like ur son will have an awful holiday if u don’t.

SwayingInTime · 17/07/2024 11:03

I think either perspective is fine, I'd lean towards taking her if possible but I disagree completely that there is any obligation.

AgnesX · 17/07/2024 11:04

Volume of their recreational activities?
I'd be having a word with my son over that.

And a no to the holiday.

DoYouSmokePaul · 17/07/2024 11:04

They’re very disrespectful having noisy sex in your house. I’d be saying no to the holiday and asking them to keep it down at home.

Dweetfidilove · 17/07/2024 11:04

You don't gave to invite her, but you also don't need to listen to loud sex in your home.
If they're old enough for sex, they're old enough to be respectful to the people in whose home they're doing it.

LostTheMarble · 17/07/2024 11:06

Skybluepinky · 17/07/2024 11:02

Sounds like ur son will have an awful holiday if u don’t.

He’s 17, he can suck up a week or two without his girlfriend, it’s not like he’s expected to leave his wife and children behind. Free holidays will soon become a memory for him and it’s something he should be reminded of if he decides to throw a strop at his big age. But he’s also old enough to decide not to go, though he’d be silly not to in my opinion.

MrsClownland · 17/07/2024 11:09

The younger dc might want to see their brother (for what might be his last family holiday if he's 18 soon). I would not invite her personally, and I would not be happy if 11 year olds could hear their brother having sex at home

PashaMinaMio · 17/07/2024 11:11

You are his parent. You get to decide.

There’s plenty of time for GF’s to go on holidays with him when he can pay for her himself. The fact he’s going to Italy is a side distraction.

As for the loud sex, they need to be more respectful of it being your home and that you have younger children. Do they have sex at her place? Have you spoken to her parents about it? Do they mind?

Speak to them mother/father. Speak to them.

Excited101 · 17/07/2024 11:12

17 year olds having noisy sex in parents houses?? That’s grim! So so disrespectful. I assuming you’ve spoken to him about that?

I can see it’s a bit of a tricky position to be in since he’s been invited to go with her family but it is up to you- even if it’s a bit of an unpopular decision.

AspiringChatBot · 17/07/2024 11:16

Skybluepinky · 17/07/2024 11:02

Sounds like ur son will have an awful holiday if u don’t.

How? Her son hasn't demanded or even asked that his girlfriend be invited, her dope of a husband has (sorry, OP).

5128gap · 17/07/2024 11:16

Personally I would for the reasons your H suggests. Also because your DS will have a better time with her there than with just parents and two 11 year olds. There's also the question of how much you want your DS to be present in your family. Because for the foreseeable future he and his GF will be a package deal. And if her family accept and welcome that to a greater extent than you do, there's no prizes for guessing where they'll spend their time.

maudelovesharold · 17/07/2024 11:21

Has he mentioned his g/f with regard to your holiday? If not, I’d maybe not bring up the subject. If you don’t want to feel so obliged to invite g/f, you could offer to pay ds’s air fare for his holiday with her? Having said all that, inviting her would be the nice thing to do! You could say that the villa/apartment isn’t likely to be very well soundproofed….

godmum56 · 17/07/2024 11:31

a few things really.....yes address the noisy sex issue, that's not good manners anywhere. What will you do if he says he wants to stay home instead of coming on hols with you? Is there a reason why you don't feel relaxed around her? It might be worth addressing if she is going to be a permanency in your son's current life. Having said all that, if you don't want to, you don't want to and this needs thrashing out between you and DH.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/07/2024 11:36

Skybluepinky · 17/07/2024 11:02

Sounds like ur son will have an awful holiday if u don’t.

@Skybluepinky

does it? Why?

Sunshineafterthehail · 17/07/2024 11:39

Have you got a dd she could share with? What are the sleeping plans? Tell him it's not a shagathon but a family trip with small ears staying up late and close by.... We took dd and her bf camping. Separate sleeping bags and he was still 15.. They knew my rules ... Not different over 16 when it's your holiday /cash /ears.... And small dc...

Janieforever · 17/07/2024 11:40

Out of curiosity why are you not relaxed with her. You say she’s lovely and good for your son, is that a you problem or a her problem?

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/07/2024 11:43

Janieforever · 17/07/2024 11:40

Out of curiosity why are you not relaxed with her. You say she’s lovely and good for your son, is that a you problem or a her problem?

@Janieforever

most people are not as relaxed with people they don’t live with relative to people who they do live with

WindsurfingDreams · 17/07/2024 11:46

Janieforever · 17/07/2024 11:40

Out of curiosity why are you not relaxed with her. You say she’s lovely and good for your son, is that a you problem or a her problem?

I think it's normal to be more relaxed with your own family than you are when there are extra people there