Feeling pressured to take DS' girlfriend on holiday

[SandiAndi]

Some background first. DS is 17, just finished Y12, we moved his school after GCSEs as he was having a rough time. We live rurally and options for a good school with good sixth form options were very limited so we have stretched ourselves and gone private. We also have twins who are 11 and will be going to the state school after summer.
DS settled in well at the new school but still doesn't really have much in the way of friends, he's quite introverted. However he does now have a girlfriend of about 8 months. She's lovely and has really brought him out his shell (they were the only two taking A-Level Latin so I think he felt more confident around her).

In 4 weeks we are going to Greece, we have an Airbnb. DS came in a few days ago saying that his girlfriend's family have offered to take him to Italy with them on holiday next week. He asked if it was ok and said her dad was happy to pay for the flight etc. obviously he will need spending money but he works so has some of his own and I'm happy to tip it up.

Now DH thinks we need to invite his girlfriend with us, I'll be honest I don't want to! She's lovely, very sweet and kind, but I never feel truly relaxed around her. We have also had well let's say issues with the volume of their recreational activities should we say!! And
I imagine it will be worse in a Airbnb! I could do without hearing that on holiday.

DH thinks it will be great, twins will entertain each other, DS will go do things with his girlfriend and we can relax, plus they can babysit a few nights. He also thinks it's really rude not to.

So AIBU to not want to invite her? Should I just suck it up?

Why? What if he didn't have a girlfriend would an all expenses trip to Greece still be awful?

He sees her every day at school, will be on holiday with her for a week and can see her every other day in the holidays if he wants

If anything I think a bit of time apart is probably a good thing! What if they argue or break up during the Italy holiday and you've already bought her ticket?

This might be the last or one of the last holidays you go on just your family so yanbu to want to keep it just you rather than a girlfriend that, let's face it, by the time he goes to uni might be a distant memory. I'd also be a bit wary of 11 year olds hearing their brothers loud sex tbh.

Also the fact that DS didn't ask you originally when you booked if she could come and still hasn't asked now she's invited him to her family's holiday suggests he isn't exactly bothered! It seems to be your dh pushing this.

I also think it's a bit weird that your dh wants you to all split up in pairs over your holiday. Surely the point of going away together is that you do spend time as a family? Yes you might not spend all day every day together but if ds doesn't invite his gf that doesn't mean he will automatically be hanging round with you and dh the whole time! Surely it will just be a mix of all 5 of you sometimes, him spending some time with his siblings and some time doing his own thing.

Sounds like this may be the last family holiday so no to gf coming

But I would mention noisy sex and tell them to be quiet /less obvious.

You don't have to bring her. I went on holidays with a friend when I was in secondary school, we didn't bring her away after. Another friend went on holidays (an expensive one) with her boyfriends family and her parents didn't take him.

Maybe he could stay home and have his gf to stay you might have a very grumpy teen if you don't invite her. Could she come for part of the holiday then you get some time with ds on his own and he can look forward to her coming. I get the not being able to relax when she is there even thought you like her

I wouldn't invite her. They can go on their own holiday separately if they're that bothered. And your DH is being ridiculous saying it's rude not to invite her.

I met my boyfriend when I was 17, and 8 weeks later went on holiday with my family. I enjoyed the holiday, but I also wished it away so I could get back to see my boyfriend. When we went on holiday again two months later he came with us and it was really lovely.

He's now my husband.

However we didn't have noisy sex in earshot of any of my family!!

I agree a lot with what’s been said. I would be interested to hear at what point it’s expected that kids will not want to come on holidays without partners? Or it would be unreasonable to not invite them.

Obviously 17 is different to 23 which is different to 30. When would you think that not inviting partners is strange (if ever!). Or is it more after getting married/being together for x number of years?

Are you planning on renting a car/ have you already rented a car? Three youngsters in the back is fine, but where will you put the fourth? Seatbelts etc?

Yanbu. It’s a family holiday. You want to be able to enjoy and relax on your holiday and say you can’t when she’s around. Also, relationships at that age are unpredictable, they could break up after you’ve organised all the logistics for her to go - both awkward and costly. Don’t feel bad.

I would address the loud sex, it’s highly disrespectful. If I behaved like that at 17 my parents would have chucked me out. How awful for the rest of the family to have to endure.

If I could afford it, I’d definitely ask DS if he wanted to invite her. She sounds like a nice girl so this could be your opportunity to get to be comfortable around her. And your DH has a point; it frees you up to do all sorts of things if you have a built in babysitting service. You never know, he might not even want her to come. But I’d ask.

This is a very good point!

From my perspective if the adult dc ask then it’s important to them so their partners should be included. Ds is 18 and off to uni in September. If he asked I would allow it, but he is an adult about to move out.

However I do think 17 is a bit too young. I’ve recently witnessed a very messy break up between two of ds’s friends. They had been together since they were 15 and both sets of parents had welcomed the other child with open arms on holidays and to stay over every weekend. The parents thought they were doing the right thing embracing the relationship, but they became like a very young married couple who were almost expected to settle down together after uni. Eventually the young woman’s feelings changed and she ended it during their A’ level exams which was distressing and hugely disruptive to both of them. They also decided on the same first choice uni so they could be together which complicates things even further.

One of the parents told me that she felt it was far more of a wrench to both because they had spent so much time together. They were more worried about being overbearing parents and he was (is!) a nice boy so didn’t foresee a problem. She said that with hindsight it was obvious that they were too young and their ‘relationship’ shouldn’t have been treated in the same way as an adult one. That’s not to say gf/bf shouldn’t be invited over or spend time together but I think we have to help teens put appropriate boundaries in place to protect themselves and their futures.

Goodness me! I'd have been having stern words with my son the first time I could hear them during sexual activity!

What with 11-year-olds in the house, never mind I don't want to hear it!!

How disrespectful.

Imagine that on holiday..... ugh!

Divided on this!

MN is full of my DIL/ son’s partner doesn't include us, or my DS spends all of his time with his gf/wife’s family.

And yet here we are with many on here saying don't include her!

The more time you spend together, the more you will all relax in each others company.

I would include her, her family have included your DS. I would be having a quiet word with them both about being able to hear them though.

I think you should invite her if you, your twins, husband and son want to and costs are covered agreeably. BUT only if you all want to - its a family holiday so all the family members get a vote.

However, i don't think there should be a reciprocal obligation as he's going to Italy with her family shortly.

Maybe her turn to come with you is next year, and you might feel more relaxed in her company by then.

How long are you going for and would it be feasible for her to come and join you in the middle so you have some family holiday time first?
Have a great time

you don’t have to invite her if your don’t want to OP, ffs!

no teen NEEDS to have their boyfriend or girlfriend come on a family holiday with them. They can save up themselves and go away if they want to.

also it could be really expensive and you say you’ve already stretched yourself paying for private school.

I still go away without DH sometimes and I am very much an adult. It's healthy to have patches of time apart

I agree it’s healthy to have time apart. My question is more about the family holiday aspect… at what stage does a family holiday start to include SOs?

this is a wider question though, obviously there’s no expectation to include a 17yr old girlfriend as part of the family. I was more thinking 24/25 year old adult children.

You don’t have to, but I would. For the reasons your husband says- one teen on holiday will be bored and possibly annoying. 2 teens on holiday will entertain each other.

We have an only child and always take at least one extra on holiday with us.

you could leave your 17 year old son at home - he has had a holiday and now you are having yours

These are kids playing adults here. In what way is a 17yo an adult enough for a 'partner'.

And if the relationship continues, patterns are set, damage is done.

‘My MiL & I are so uncomfortable with each other’
‘My MIL doesn't invite us, only my DM does’.

‘’My DiL only wants to go on holiday with her family’
‘My DS spends all of his holidays with his gf’s family’.

They can be two young people in a relationship with both families treating them equally.

It will cost the OP money if they have to do a tit for tat arrangement - a flight, an extra almost-adult to feed and for activities. It changes the dynamic of the holiday - only the OP can tell us if that's in a good or bad way!

I don’t think you need to. My son’s girlfriend’s family is taking him on vacation in a few weeks and if we were going to go as a family I wouldn’t feel the need for her to go with us. As long as she’s welcome in your home when you’re around I think that is accommodating enough.

No way, I wouldn't be able to relax with someone else's teenager on my holiday.