Feeling pressured to take DS' girlfriend on holiday

[SandiAndi]

Some background first. DS is 17, just finished Y12, we moved his school after GCSEs as he was having a rough time. We live rurally and options for a good school with good sixth form options were very limited so we have stretched ourselves and gone private. We also have twins who are 11 and will be going to the state school after summer.
DS settled in well at the new school but still doesn't really have much in the way of friends, he's quite introverted. However he does now have a girlfriend of about 8 months. She's lovely and has really brought him out his shell (they were the only two taking A-Level Latin so I think he felt more confident around her).

In 4 weeks we are going to Greece, we have an Airbnb. DS came in a few days ago saying that his girlfriend's family have offered to take him to Italy with them on holiday next week. He asked if it was ok and said her dad was happy to pay for the flight etc. obviously he will need spending money but he works so has some of his own and I'm happy to tip it up.

Now DH thinks we need to invite his girlfriend with us, I'll be honest I don't want to! She's lovely, very sweet and kind, but I never feel truly relaxed around her. We have also had well let's say issues with the volume of their recreational activities should we say!! And
I imagine it will be worse in a Airbnb! I could do without hearing that on holiday.

DH thinks it will be great, twins will entertain each other, DS will go do things with his girlfriend and we can relax, plus they can babysit a few nights. He also thinks it's really rude not to.

So AIBU to not want to invite her? Should I just suck it up?

lucky to have a gf at 17? There are people married at 16. Some even stay married unlike many who marry much older.

Ughhh do teenagers these days not embarrassed and why do the parents put up with it.

Nobody's married at 16 in this country any more. Not legal now.

It's setting a bit of a precedent for how future holidays will go so I'd think carefully about it.

I don't think you need to invite her at all. And I see why you might prefer not to -- for your own relaxation and also hoping to spend time with your son as part of your family unit vs him being with his gf all the time.

But I think I probably would (well assuming he wants her to come). Just because thinking of my own friends - the families I know that are still closest are the ones where the parents have always been totally welcoming to partners through the years - and obviously lots of those bfs/gfs have come and gone. I also think he'll probably enjoy the holiday more with her there and be more inclined to keep coming over the next few years.

But if they're in a committed relationship I think it is better to treat her as though she is his partner. It's respectful to how they feel at that moment in time? I'm not saying get her added to the family tree/pass down heirlooms! But I think best to be as welcoming as you would be in 10 years with a serious girlfriend who does qualify for partner status in your mind.

Does your ds want to invite her?

Invite her next year, they're already getting one holiday this year.

Don't invite her. It's your holiday. Plus it's also precious time to spend with your 17 yo. I'm on holiday right now, with my 18 yo son. He's left his very sweet girlfriend for 2 weeks to come with us . At home I'm lucky if I see him for 20 mins a day. On hols I get to hang out with him. And I'm very aware that it might be the last time it's just the four of us on hols. 14 yo daughter here too. So it's also special sibling time too. Your twins will appreciate his company and remember it much more. Its very precious family time.

Completely agree

You don't have to invite your son's girlfriend on holiday, it won't hurt them to be apart for a short while. You can say that you only booked for three and are now not able to add someone. It probably would be difficult actually. Say that next year you can book somewhere to include her.

They are very young, still at school, and going away with parents is sort of making a statement. I wouldn't be comfortable with it, there's time enough for that later on. However, I hope he enjoys his time in Italy.

It's legal to marry at 16 in Scotland, hence Gretna Green.

Yep, I stand corrected.

With your husband thinking it’s great, and the free babysitting and the fact the he’s going with them, yes I think you should suck it up. Ask your husbands to tell them they have to be quiet at night and especially when lovemaking.

I'll tell you what will make them realise you can hear them: play them at their own game

It’s not reciprocal play dates with toddlers! You’ve booked your holiday for your family. You absolutely don’t need to invite anyone else.

It's not just disrespect, under safeguarding childen being exposed to people having sex would be under the umbrella of sexual abuse.
And before people barrel in saying their 3 year old caught them occasionally, I'm not talking about that kind of example, but repeated obvious exposure.

Well I wouldn't say "hence" Gretna Green, since its popularity came in after the 18th century marriage act that meant you needed parental permission in England under 21. It's not to do with the recent increase in the age of marriage in England!

I didn't say it was to do with a recent increase. Folk have run away* *from England to Scotland to marry for years.

Well yes, but it was legal to marry at 16 elsewhere in the U.K. for a long time - the Scottish "difference" that made Gretna popular was not needing parental consent (up to 21!) The difference now obviously being the under 18 part. Not that I imagine a whole load of 16 year olds are getting married in Scotland.

I wonder what the OP has decided

maybe say if you don’t keep the volume down at night neither will me and ur dad 😂😂😂 that’ll soon put a stop to it 😂I’m actually surprised he’s coming on holiday as by 17 I had started going away with friends. But no don’t feel obliged to ask her

Do they have noisy sex at her house? I fear her parents are in for a bit of a shock if not.

I think this is reasonable, especially keeping in mind that there are probably few opportunities for this kind of holiday in the future like you said. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy this time together.

I think it becomes an issue when these kinds of attitudes (holidays for ‘family time’) persist past 17/18/19. Even when DH was about 24, his family were still insisting that he had to go on trips abroad with them (without me) because they wanted family experiences. Ultimately he just said no.

I think seeing this trip as the last big family trip (and if there are more trips in the future, thats a bonus) is a good idea.

I’d have said something instantly if it was that loud I could hear it 🤢

really don't understand this as i have a nearly 17 year old daughter and there would be no "recreational" activities under my roof! why would you allow that let alone the audacity of being loud and having your parents hear. wtf