Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling pressured to take DS' girlfriend on holiday

162 replies

SandiAndi · 17/07/2024 10:55

Some background first. DS is 17, just finished Y12, we moved his school after GCSEs as he was having a rough time. We live rurally and options for a good school with good sixth form options were very limited so we have stretched ourselves and gone private. We also have twins who are 11 and will be going to the state school after summer.
DS settled in well at the new school but still doesn't really have much in the way of friends, he's quite introverted. However he does now have a girlfriend of about 8 months. She's lovely and has really brought him out his shell (they were the only two taking A-Level Latin so I think he felt more confident around her).

In 4 weeks we are going to Greece, we have an Airbnb. DS came in a few days ago saying that his girlfriend's family have offered to take him to Italy with them on holiday next week. He asked if it was ok and said her dad was happy to pay for the flight etc. obviously he will need spending money but he works so has some of his own and I'm happy to tip it up.

Now DH thinks we need to invite his girlfriend with us, I'll be honest I don't want to! She's lovely, very sweet and kind, but I never feel truly relaxed around her. We have also had well let's say issues with the volume of their recreational activities should we say!! And
I imagine it will be worse in a Airbnb! I could do without hearing that on holiday.

DH thinks it will be great, twins will entertain each other, DS will go do things with his girlfriend and we can relax, plus they can babysit a few nights. He also thinks it's really rude not to.

So AIBU to not want to invite her? Should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 17/07/2024 11:50

Oh I'd invite her, it sounds like he's had a rough time, having to move schools, difficulty with friendships and now he's found someone he really likes. Plus he's 17, that's very different from 15. He'd probably be bored with mum, dad and 11 year old siblings.

Just have an adult chat about keeping the noise down and perhaps babysitting for a couple of nights.

FuzzyStripes · 17/07/2024 11:52

I can see both points here.

I wouldn’t want a child’s partner, no matter how lovely, on holiday with me either. However, it would also be the polite thing to reciprocate.

Is a compromise a possibility? Perhaps pay for them to go away for a weekend together?

Investinmyself · 17/07/2024 11:57

I’m leaning towards the inviting if your son wants to.
If not would he prefer to stay home and you go without him?
I suspect if you don’t and make him come away then he’ll be fed up/on his phone and put a damper on things.
Obviously a discussion re acceptable behaviour if she comes. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to hear you…

MounjaroUser · 17/07/2024 11:59

The noisy sex issue has to be addressed anyway. What the hell do they think they're doing, with parents and children nearby?

Izzynohopanda · 17/07/2024 11:59

You don’t have to invite her.

AppleCream · 17/07/2024 12:10

Personally I'd invite her as it would be nice for your DS, but I don't think you should feel obligated.

Gatecrashermum · 17/07/2024 12:15

Good lord, address the noisy sex now, regardless of holidays! They need to have good manners and honestly being able to hear sex between generations gives (and should give) anyone the ick. He wouldn't like to hear you and his dad going at it hammer and tongs, I bet.

If you don't want to take gf, then I don't think you're obliged to offer for her to join you. It's nice of his parents, but you don't have that many holidays with your son left.

GabriellaMontez · 17/07/2024 12:16

He's only 17. He's already having a week on holiday with her. They do the same A level. He might feel pressured to accept it if you ask.

It's suffocating. Give him a chance to have new experiences and friends without her.

user1492757084 · 17/07/2024 12:17

Don't invite her. There will be few holidays with just your family so cherish them.

LadyKenya · 17/07/2024 12:19

AgnesX · 17/07/2024 11:04

Volume of their recreational activities?
I'd be having a word with my son over that.

And a no to the holiday.

It never ceases to amaze me what some women are prepared to put up with on here. Unbelievable.

Sunshineafterthehail · 17/07/2024 12:31

The same dd asked if her bf could come on our caravan trip. I said no to that. We do lots of activities as a family of 6 ..ones I def wouldn't feel comfortable doing with a teenage lad around!! I told dd she could manage without him for 3 nights. As it happened they have split up well before the trip..

Ivehearditbothways · 17/07/2024 12:33

He has young siblings, have you dealt with the utter disrespect he showed to them and it you by the “volume” issue?

Clearinguptheclutter · 17/07/2024 12:33

You def do not need to invite her nor should her parents expect it.

if you actively wanted to then fine but i think it’s fine to dig your heels in.

mumonthehill · 17/07/2024 12:36

We had this with ds and said no. It was likely to be the last opportunity for a family holiday and that felt important. Both dc enjoyed spending time together and it was great to have that family time.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 17/07/2024 12:37

Skybluepinky · 17/07/2024 11:02

Sounds like ur son will have an awful holiday if u don’t.

Why? This is such a bizarre perspective. The opposite of his preference to have his girlfriend there is not an "awful time". You assume he's not able to entertain himself without her?

I would also say no. Two holidays together is excessive for a teenage, less than a year relationship.

And yes, address the noise.

Throwwaway · 17/07/2024 12:38

I wouldn’t invite her. I feel the same way about my brothers girlfriend. They’re kids and have only been ‘together’ a few month. I wouldn’t take that to a family holiday. It’s your house, you should never feel uncomfortable. Already I think he’s being very rude and disrespectful in regard to the noise thing.

Freeme31 · 17/07/2024 12:48

At that age it's probably important to your son and he may decide not to go with you on holiday if you don't invite her. Im with your husband here they can entertain each other unless you want to entertain a sad/moping teenager who will be miserable without her. Id honestly say pick your battles especially with teenage son he's sounds like a good one

Yousaidwhatagain · 17/07/2024 12:52

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 17/07/2024 11:02

If I could afford it and liked her I would - but I’d also be shutting down the noisy sex, especially with 11 yr olds around. I’d also check the younger ones were ok with her coming, it’s their holiday too.

Yanbu, no need to reciprocate as it will really change the dynamic. And I would be bloody angry with the noisy sex. That is extremely disrespectful and a cheek. He is just 17 and not an adult to be carrying on like that.

Timetoheal4good · 17/07/2024 12:52

Just a different perspective - I went on holiday with my ex's family twice (I was with him age 17-21). I loved it. I guess it depends on your stance. His sister was just a bit younger than me and I was very close to his family. I wouldn't in any way say I felt smothered or that it was suffocating so young. We had friends and jobs and a healthy balance. We split up but I have really fond memories being included and embraced rather than anyone trying to say we were too young to be so involved. When my DD gets to that age I'll try to offer the same level of inclusivity if it's within my means (and of course, the young person is relatively easy to get along with!) One thing I might say is, you might never feel comfortable around anyone who isn't your family and I get that it's your holiday. But having a DS means that you might need to feel uncomfortable around a girl who isn't family at some stage or another on a holiday whether it's now or when you have a DIL. Might aswell take it while you have the added perk of babysitting 😝

The noisy sex ... That's just a no. Speak discreetly to your DS.

Yousaidwhatagain · 17/07/2024 12:52

AgnesX · 17/07/2024 11:04

Volume of their recreational activities?
I'd be having a word with my son over that.

And a no to the holiday.

Exactly!!

Werweisswohin · 17/07/2024 12:53

Of course YANBU.
It's kind they want to invite your DS, but that doesn't mean you have to invite his girlfriend with you.
In lots of cases the booking/numbers/costs are confirmed in advance so it's not even always possible to add someone in.

jannier · 17/07/2024 12:58

I'm surprised your 17 year old wants to go away with you especially if there is no one his age going it won't be much for him especially as there are much younger siblings.
Id ask her but also say to him his recreational activities are impacting you so he needs to tone it down.

WishIMite · 17/07/2024 13:03

I've felt obliged to invite partners once they are being invited to their partners' family holidays.

I don't enjoy it TBH but I think if the (almost) adult children are invited on your family holiday, and they are being treated as a 'plus one' by the other family, it feels like the polite/appropriate thing to do.

It's a shame though... can't wait until they are all old enough to NOT be invited...

Spinet · 17/07/2024 13:09

You don't have to invite her. I might if your son actually suggests it but as he hasn't I wouldn't bring it up first.

WiseBiscuit · 17/07/2024 13:10

You don’t have to reciprocate.

My DB had a lot of holidays with a school friend (only child) with a wealthy divorced dad, they took him all over the world as company but my parents didn’t reciprocate with holidays (but they had the friend to stay frequently when the dad was away with work instead).

You could invite her another time or to
something else. It doesn’t have to be your holiday.