Feeling pressured to take DS' girlfriend on holiday

[SandiAndi]

Some background first. DS is 17, just finished Y12, we moved his school after GCSEs as he was having a rough time. We live rurally and options for a good school with good sixth form options were very limited so we have stretched ourselves and gone private. We also have twins who are 11 and will be going to the state school after summer.
DS settled in well at the new school but still doesn't really have much in the way of friends, he's quite introverted. However he does now have a girlfriend of about 8 months. She's lovely and has really brought him out his shell (they were the only two taking A-Level Latin so I think he felt more confident around her).

In 4 weeks we are going to Greece, we have an Airbnb. DS came in a few days ago saying that his girlfriend's family have offered to take him to Italy with them on holiday next week. He asked if it was ok and said her dad was happy to pay for the flight etc. obviously he will need spending money but he works so has some of his own and I'm happy to tip it up.

Now DH thinks we need to invite his girlfriend with us, I'll be honest I don't want to! She's lovely, very sweet and kind, but I never feel truly relaxed around her. We have also had well let's say issues with the volume of their recreational activities should we say!! And
I imagine it will be worse in a Airbnb! I could do without hearing that on holiday.

DH thinks it will be great, twins will entertain each other, DS will go do things with his girlfriend and we can relax, plus they can babysit a few nights. He also thinks it's really rude not to.

So AIBU to not want to invite her? Should I just suck it up?

I think if she's taken him throught lifes ills and made him happier I personally wouid as a thank you and as encouragement to keep this happier time in hes life going.

OP you haven't posted back. But I would be happy with this. Apart from the sex noise. I would talk to them both about that. They do need to be thoughtful towards others. But also it gives you a good opportunity to confirm contraception. Many people leave their 17 year olds at home as they dont want to go on family holidays. Just be grateful he still does!

I only have one DC - nearly 19. We holiday together (single parent) and it drives me up the wall - we like such different things. We went recently to Berlin (not football!) - we ended up one day doing our own thing. I was quite worried about him on his own - he doesnt speak German. A friend would have reduced my worry. All was well.

Of course he won't. He's lucky enough to be going on holiday. He can 'put up' with it.

It’s great that he’s turned things around at his new school. You must be pleased.

I can see both sides re. the holiday. I don’t think there is a right answer.

I wouldn't invite her (and if pressed would probably give some BS about maximum number for the Air BNB). BUT I would pay for son's flight so there isn't an obligation iyswim.

I’d have a conversation about noisy sex and it’s not what one does when there are other people in the same house, especially children. That many parents would not allow them to be together at all and if they wish to be left alone, to show consideration. Maybe her parents will also have words if subjected.

while reciprocating is not necessary, It would make for a better holiday for him..as he’s on his own in his age group otherwise. I was that kid once. Not old enough to hang with the adults, but too old to want to be with the kids all the time. It’s not fun. However, it’s his holiday too and he is not a parent yet. There should be no expectations of babysitting. You have the children so you are responsible. You can ask if they’ll babysit but not expect it and not a lot. I’ve seen lots of teens on the internet complaining about being expected to use their holiday time as babysitters and they do get support from the community.

Of course you don't have to invite her...remind him when he leaves school and works he'll be paying for his own holiday 😉🤣. But this may be the last hol you pay for and something to consider is your son may have a monk on for the entire holiday if you don't invite her. Might this be worth considering what's worse this or bringing her along? If you can put up with that... don't invite her 👍
I do think that it's is healthy to spend time apart anyway. Lots of teens get too intense 👍

You deffo need to have a convo about the loud sex tho 🙈🙈. And the birds and the bee's. I'm sure they are clued up on that ...but it doesn't it it doesn't hurt to brush up if you want to kibosh any chance of grandkids at this young age. I will certainly ensure my boys take control re: birth control and not leave it to the girls and them saying they are 'on the pill' 👍

Not this year, it's too short notice and it's good for them to have time apart too.
Maybe next year if they are still together? No need to be reciprocal.

This is a tough spot. Ultimately it's your holiday and for you to decide and that's reason in itself BUT at 17 you are now setting the standard for how your relationship with your adult child will be; in a few years time they won't 'have' to do anything anymore and may not choose to come round and join in on family holidays etc. I think it might be better to have a very frank conversation with your son regarding your concerns and see how he responds. If he's respectful and willing to work with you then I think if it was me I would seriously think about it. EDIT after reading a few other comments I'm not even sure anymore either 🙈

I fidnthe idea of the teen moping around, having an awful holiday, wanting to go home, not wanting to go at all, hating every minute of the holiday very odd. Maybe I was an odd teen and I've been surrounded by odd teens. But we had a great time on holiday with family. Nobody I know are bringing their teen partners or friends on week long family holidays abroad. And I don't think anyone has been miserable.

No need to bring the gf. This might be the last family holiday you will have. Also not bringing gf of 8 months when you're 17 does not equal the son spending every Christmas at in laws and not allowing to meet the grandchildren.

I would not accept the invitation for my DS if I had no intention of offering the girlfriend to come with us.
I agree with your DH, it's rude not to if you have the means to.

Am I the only one thinking what job will these 2 noisy sex kids get with A level Latin?

I would invite her, I agree with your husband.

My DD is a couple of years older than your DS but she's away with her DP's family at the moment and finding it really claustrophobic. I'd certainly not invite his girlfriend until after you find out how they got on in Italy, but I'd be inclined to leave it this year anyway. They can go on holiday together after A-levels if they haven't split up by then.

I have just had similar and wasn’t easy as the way our accommodation is divided she is somewhat separate, but I was firm that I will not entertain BF or GF on family holidays. If they want to holiday together, then go separate which of course they won’t due to costs.

if her family want to offer then so be it. Doesn’t mean you have to

He's not offered to babysit it was hubby who said this.

Whilst you're not obliged to invite her; I do think it's a bit crap that you're allowing her family to take him to Italy free of charge but then not reciprocating the offer or offering to at least pay for your son's airfare.

Yes, I think you are. Apart from the fact they'll be doing other subjects, Classical languages have always been seen by universities and employers as subjects worth having. Bonus Johnson (not that I'd spit on him if he were on fire) has A levels and a degree in classics.

I'm more concerned that the OP and her DH haven't immediately tackled the two children about having noisy sex in their house.

I feel the chances of these two kids staying to babysit whilst the parents go out are nil.

I'd absolutely take her on holiday with you!

It will make your son happy. Your holiday will be easier as he'll be occupied. It will foster good relations with them if they're together long term. I just think it's really important to be welcoming to all your children's close friends and relationships, it really helps foster a close and relaxed atmosphere.

But yeah I'd have a word about the noisy sex!

I wouldn't. If he asks, I'd explain that you realise it might be the last holiday he comes on so you really want to enjoy the time together as a family. If he doesn't ask, I wouldn't mention it.

I'd also explain that to DH, this holiday wouldn't be about time as a couple for me, for the same reason!

100%

We have not allowed our 17 year old's girlfriend to spend the night in our home for this very reason. They're 17. 'Playing house' at 16/17is inappropriate imo and makes it harder to end a relationship that isn't working (as you grow, change as a young person) when you treat them as 'grown ups' and part of the 'family' at that age. Also why we would not support our teenagers living with their boy/girlfriends 'to save money'.

That's not a good reason, and again, makes it harder to break up even when it's the right thing to do.

I also think it’s really important for the 11 year olds to have proper family holidays with their older brother without the girlfriend along

@socialdilemmawhattodo

why should she be “grateful” he wants to go on a holiday where he’ll be fully paid for?!

OP, do they spend most of their time/overnights at your house, or do they split their time equally between both houses?

If it's mostly at yours, maybe this is the gf's family's way of reciprocating, and there's no expectation on their part that you invite her.