Friend won’t take the hint about my house

[SlovenlyOldSlut]

I have a good friend who I met about six years ago, but only really became very friendly with during lockdown, as I was furloughed and she was caring for her sick father, meaning that as two single people, we had a lot of time for messaging and video calls.

As we live on opposite sides of London, we’ve always met centrally or in specific locations rather than visiting one another’s homes. She’s never been to my place; I’ve been to hers once when she had a tribute evening for her father after he died. That was something everyone she knew was invited to; she’s never invited me there one on one. This hasn’t ever been an issue for me, as there’s no point in either of us trekking across the city unless there’s a real reason to go to the other’s house (e.g. a party).

However, lately she has developed a real bugbear about not having been to my house. At every opportunity, it’s “I can’t believe I still haven’t been to your place! We need to sort out a time”. We’ll be making plans for something else and she’ll throw in, “Yeah, let’s do that - and we need to sort out when I’m coming round to yours too! I really want to see your place!” We were looking at an event near to me and it was, “Ooh, great - and I can see your house too! As I STILL haven’t seen it…” (complete with mock hurt face).

Now, I struggle with housework at the best of times. I don’t like mess, but I just get overwhelmed. However, at the moment it’s worse for a variety of reasons. A relative is storing some stuff here while they’re abroad, so I have less space. Everything seems to be breaking at once too. I’ve just bought a new washing machine, so I’m behind with laundry; the fridge freezer is about to die; plus the hob is now taking turns between either refusing to light at all or taking my bloody eyebrows off. The whole house needs time and money spending on it before I’m ready for guests.

I have TOLD my friend this. I tell her every time she brings it up. I’ve been completely honest about why I’m not ready for guests at the moment and have said I’m going to have a party at some point (realistically Christmas) once everything is a bit straighter. She isn’t listening. It’s always “Awwh, I don’t mind; you should see the mess my place is in sometimes!” - or worse “But I could help you! I love tidying up; it’s my thing, I’ll help!” The latter is my worst nightmare - I let another friend “help” once after she made a big thing about being a big declutterer and I wanted to cry within about five minutes.

AIBU to think she needs to respect my feelings for the moment? It’s not about her not being welcome; I don’t want anyone here at the moment. And it’s not like I’m around there every week and never return the hospitality - like I say, I’ve only been there once. I feel like I need to say that this topic is off limits until I say otherwise, even at the risk of offending her, because it’s becoming stressful having to fend this off every time we meet.

That's so odd! Do you have children?

What's with all the armchair psychologists, op is storing some stuff for someone with a time limit, that's not hoarding, as many people do she is having a time when things are not easy round the house, most of us have times when things get overwhelming, if we are honest. Having had an experience with the person who started clearing stuff away without any input from OP sounds horrendous, and not the way that someone who genuinely wanted to make her feel better would behave.
I once invited someone in to do some sort of health survey, I was working, but said ok come over nowand yes there were my books and papers and other things around the place that I was using, I'd stopped work to let her in but I noticed that she had written how untidy the room was but that it didn't smell
If course it didn't smell, paper, books, and my laptop etc don't smell. Everything else bar that was fine, yes the carpet was a bit tatty and the paint work chipped. In need of redecorating and all that, the house was in need of a thorough renovation but it was clean and sade. one living room being lived in.
I wouldn't have her back
That led me to stop inviting people in to be honest, unless I knew them well enough to not worry that they would be so horribly judgemental, even though I've redecorated since then and had new flooring etc.
I can well understand OP's desire to wait until she has got a bit straight
The thought of someone taking photos of dust and calling a few soap suds in the bath filthy makes me even more anxious about letting in ßnyine who might be so judgemental

I can't believe how many people have jumped to the conclusion that you are a hoarder OP. I totally get where you're coming from, and next time your friend brings the subject up, I would just look her straight in the eye, and say 'why exactly are you so desperate to see my house Sue? Do you think I've got corpses sitting around in armchairs or something? It's just a perfectly normal home, and as I've told you before, there are a few jobs that I want to get done, before I invite you round. So now you know that, will you please back off, as this constant pestering to see my home, is beginning to piss me off'. Hopefully she will then back peddle, and stop going on about it, but if not, then I'm afraid if it were me, I would begin to cool the relationship, as she's clearly more interested in what you've got, than your feelings.

“The whole house needs time and money spending on it before I’m ready for guests.”

I think we all feel a bit like this but in reality that time never comes! As soon as one thing is fixed, another breaks. I decided wanting people to visit outweighed my fear of their opinions so I just stopped worrying about it. I’m pretty sure most people feel similarly about their houses don’t they?

Well you both are maybe bring slightly pedantic on this topic. OK your house is not fit for visitors, mine probably isn’t right now either as like you all sorts of things need repairing. Plus we never have visitors.

And your friend is also being a bit strange repeatedly asking.

why not find an event or cafe you’d both like to go to really close to your house? She can meet you at yours so see the house pop in for a couple of minutes as you get your bag and get ready and then you both go off to thr thing you are doing. That way she’s not invaded your personal space and she can’t keep mentioning it either.

I don’t need help at all.

And???

It’s one of the MN obsessions unfortunately. Anyone over 50 who behaves badly has dementia, any woman over 40 who gets annoyed about something is perimenopausal, and any woman who has an untidy house is a hoarder!

Some of the posts here telling you that you should give in to your friend and invite her round are pretty much bullying.

I find that type of ' help' really confronting and don't invite people home.
We are messy but managing at the moment to keep up with laundry and stuff.
I'd want you tbh though are things getting better or worse. If worse, time to join a self group for cleaning issues on a ND spectrum. I've found it really useful.

It’s your home and doesn’t have to be an open house to ANYONE. I have many friends from various areas who have never been to my flat and the subject has never come up. It’s a tad childish ..what does she want ? a sleepover ? Stick to your guns and maybe just say “ it’s just my thing but l never have guests, in fact l love getting out of the house to meet people so l’m glad we’ve always been able to do that” if she still pushes then keep saying cheerfully “ oh l’ve never been a “visitor person” l’ve told you that haven’t l?” If she persists then there’s obviously something a bit odd about her and sadly it might be the end of your friendship.

This!!
I think you need to be straight with her and not give excuses and simply say ‘No, I’d rather meet in London’ I think as friends you should be able to say no, and she should listen… and I would simply just tell her that you want her to respect your boundaries and feel she currently isn’t listening!!

I appreciate you are stressed OP. But you posted asking for opinions. Calling people ‘fucking scum’ and telling them to ‘fuck off’ is really not on.

My first house (abusive partner) was like a show home… not a cushion out of place, had to dust behind radiators, dry the walls down after a shower, even the carpet had to be hoovered in lines like those lawns you see on golf courts!
My house now is ‘lived in’ … I have a teenager and 2 dogs and mop and hoover twice daily but the place is still untidy by some peoples standards…. I am decluttering and tidying constantly but it is what it is… I too don’t want or need help because someone firing demands like ‘why do you want this… just get rid of it!’ Doesn’t help, it just stresses me out… I only have a couple of friends over and they’re people who I know are equally as cluttered… when we meet up I LOVE it to be away from the house… it’s not a treat sitting at home .. I want to go OUT!! I never ever put pressure on people to see their house and I don’t understand this obsession… I’ve helped people tidy in the past and it just consists of putting away plates & cups, hanging some washing on hangers and then holding a bag up and being passed things and them saying BIN… RECYCLE.. CHARITY …. And I literally just stand and sort what they’re passing me…. I wouldn’t dare question what they’re keeping or throw away food!! I’m not surprised you’re out off having ‘help’….. I think those kind of helpers watch too many of these radical hoarding programs where someone comes in and literally clears the house out into the garden and stands there saying ‘what are you doing with this?’…. ‘Do you need 5 of these?’ ‘Oh we’ve found a dead rat, cat or whatever under 200 handbags’….. our houses aren’t that bad and don’t need some patronising twerp coming in and doing an inspection and getting all in our face and trying to shame us for having a few things out of place!
Mumsnet is full of bitchy women waiting to pass judgement on every poster… I guess it makes people feel better or superior abou their own mundane lives! Sometimes I think it’s better to ignore the judgemental ones and just focus on the helpful comments.

Please just message your friend before your next meet up and say in advance that can she please stop nagging to see your house, it stresses you out and you
dont want people round until you’re ready to invite them! I find it rude to invite yourself tbh and think your friend lacks basic social skills

Anyway OP your friend should accept your boundaries. Maybe you are a hoarder, maybe you are not (I don’t think you are). You are clearly at the extreme end of being unable to maintain a tidy house but that’s your issue to address whenever you are ready.

I could not imagine living like you (despite being a Londoner!) but if you don’t want guests than that’s ok. People are saying you are not a proper friend for not allowing her to visit. But then she is not a proper friend for making your relationship contingent on her allowing you to visit.

Irs another odd MN situation that I cannot relate to, but of course she should not force herself into your home. Both of you need to think whether this is a deal-breaker for your friendship.

100% this!

Telling people to shut up or fuck off when you’ve asked for opinions is so rude. Why ask at all? If OP behaves this way in real life I doubt friends will be an issue for long.

Well thank you VERY much 🙄

If you read what I actually asked for, it was whether I should just be very blunt about the fact that I’m really not up to visitors at the moment. I did not ask for pop psychology and judgemental crap.

Asking for opinions on AIBU and getting responses - what did you honestly expect OP?

Obviously you are free to do as you please with having / not having visitors your own home, but you are BU to expect a friend not to be interested in coming over and asking about it - she’s obviously keen to see where you live, which is 100% normal in the majority of friendships.

If you genuinely think you’re in the right, go ahead and be blunt to your friend - don’t be surprised though, if over time, said friend starts to have thoughts similar to some of the responses here.

You come across as rather defensive and belligerent when people don’t agree with you. There is obviously an issue and it’s touched a nerve, since you’ve become increasingly wound up and starting name calling / throwing insults. Do you normally blow your top this easily?

Perhaps you should step away.

Thanks for proving to us that you are actually BU

I would just tell her no, and add that she'll be the first guest once you have your house all done up to your liking. I would also ask her politely to please not mentioning it again as it makes you nervous. If and when she asks it again during one of your outings, tell her it makes you appreciate the time you spend together less because her repetitive asking makes you feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps you should step away.

Nothing to stop you doing the same if it bothers you so much.