Friend won’t take the hint about my house

[SlovenlyOldSlut]

I have a good friend who I met about six years ago, but only really became very friendly with during lockdown, as I was furloughed and she was caring for her sick father, meaning that as two single people, we had a lot of time for messaging and video calls.

As we live on opposite sides of London, we’ve always met centrally or in specific locations rather than visiting one another’s homes. She’s never been to my place; I’ve been to hers once when she had a tribute evening for her father after he died. That was something everyone she knew was invited to; she’s never invited me there one on one. This hasn’t ever been an issue for me, as there’s no point in either of us trekking across the city unless there’s a real reason to go to the other’s house (e.g. a party).

However, lately she has developed a real bugbear about not having been to my house. At every opportunity, it’s “I can’t believe I still haven’t been to your place! We need to sort out a time”. We’ll be making plans for something else and she’ll throw in, “Yeah, let’s do that - and we need to sort out when I’m coming round to yours too! I really want to see your place!” We were looking at an event near to me and it was, “Ooh, great - and I can see your house too! As I STILL haven’t seen it…” (complete with mock hurt face).

Now, I struggle with housework at the best of times. I don’t like mess, but I just get overwhelmed. However, at the moment it’s worse for a variety of reasons. A relative is storing some stuff here while they’re abroad, so I have less space. Everything seems to be breaking at once too. I’ve just bought a new washing machine, so I’m behind with laundry; the fridge freezer is about to die; plus the hob is now taking turns between either refusing to light at all or taking my bloody eyebrows off. The whole house needs time and money spending on it before I’m ready for guests.

I have TOLD my friend this. I tell her every time she brings it up. I’ve been completely honest about why I’m not ready for guests at the moment and have said I’m going to have a party at some point (realistically Christmas) once everything is a bit straighter. She isn’t listening. It’s always “Awwh, I don’t mind; you should see the mess my place is in sometimes!” - or worse “But I could help you! I love tidying up; it’s my thing, I’ll help!” The latter is my worst nightmare - I let another friend “help” once after she made a big thing about being a big declutterer and I wanted to cry within about five minutes.

AIBU to think she needs to respect my feelings for the moment? It’s not about her not being welcome; I don’t want anyone here at the moment. And it’s not like I’m around there every week and never return the hospitality - like I say, I’ve only been there once. I feel like I need to say that this topic is off limits until I say otherwise, even at the risk of offending her, because it’s becoming stressful having to fend this off every time we meet.

It doesn't make the slightest bit of difference what her friends motivations may or may not be.
Good intentions or plain nosey.
The OP does not owe her or anyone else an invitation that she doesn't wish to issue.
Her home is her private space.
She doesn't need to explain herself to anyone.

The condition of her home doesn't impact in anyway her fundamental right to choose whom she wishes to entertain in HER home.

My house is reasonably tidy and in good order and I don’t particularly like entertaining there! I just find it stressful and would much rather be enjoying people’s company in a restaurant or coffee place where I don’t have to worry about food or drinks or cleaning up or about whether people are relaxed enough or having a good time. Plus like you it’s easier to access a central place in the city rather than have folk travel out to the suburbs to go to my house.

It sounds like you're ashamed of the state of your house and dont want to be judged.

Can you book a couple of days leave, make a list, grab supplies and spend some time making it a space that, not only would you be happy to show other people, but that you yourself would be happier in?

Housework is shit. I get it. It's tough to face a mountain if you've let it slide but I honestly think you yourself will feel happpier with a cleaner, tidier space.

If you have spare cash book a one off clean from a local company then keep on top of it.

She offered to help you, you accepted. She arrived and tried to start decluttering and you, by the sounds of it, had a mini panic attack.

Are you an anxious person in general?

You're missing the point.

Look at the replies you're getting.

You live in a shithole, you're going to sort it out at some point and are now blaming your friend and refusing to acknowledge feedback here that you yourself requested.

Telling me I live in a “shithole” is an utterly vile thing to say. Look at yourself in the mirror and see if you’re proud of that appalling comment - assuming it doesn’t crack.

You’re not only rude, you’re ignorant. What am I “blaming” my friend for? My lack of enthusiasm for housework? I don’t see how I’ve blamed her for that in any way. I’ve just asked her to stop pushing the point. And no, I didn’t ask for “feedback”. Obviously I can’t stop people from making banal comments like “Just tidy up and invite her over, it’s normal” - but I certainly never asked for them. I’m more than happy with my decision to say no; what I asked for was views on whether I should be firm and blunt with this.

Bloody hell, OP, in the time you’ve spent on this thread, you could have sorted a room in your house out.

So I’m not even allowed to have a discussion online now? I should be getting my pinny on and scrubbing floors?

By your own admission, yes. It sounds like you probably should.

Only a certain type of person judges and looks down on others this way.

Um….you chose your username!

A true friend accepts you warts and all. If you really were good friends, you wouldn’t care what state the house is, and neither will she. First and foremost you’re friends, it’s a wonderful privilege and bond to be invited to someone home.
if you don’t want her in your home, do you really view her as a close friend?
Thats where I’d say she’s coming from, she’s not a good enough friend to be allowed into your home,

OP, some people don't get it. It's not just about sorting things out It's about anxiety as well. They don't understand and they don't want to understand but YOUR HOUSE YOUR RULES. And a friend who does not respect you and your boundaries concerning your place is not a friend.

Your house is your safe place where you can fully be yourself. You do not have to let anyone into that space unless you want them there.

I can see both sides of this. I'm an introvert and would only want people in my home who I felt very comfortable with (not just acquaintances). I don't think there should be any pressure on this.

However, a few years back I felt hurt when a friend never invited me to hers even though she would happily stay over at mine after nights out (even sharing my bed). Not receiving an invite to hers made me think that our friendship wasn't as close as I thought it was. I also realised that I would often be the one to reach out, suggest places to go out, and invite her to mine. We're not friends any more. For me, mutual effort is important when it comes to friendships.

💯
And OP, it makes for far healthier relationships by speaking up for what you need, and setting boundaries, which is what you’re doing.

Not so helpful to let some people on MN making horrible comments get to you. They haven’t seen your house so obviously don’t know what it’s like! Some people just like being judgmental and catty when the reality is, they haven’t a clue. Don’t give them any more of your energy.

People started by being sympathetic and encouraging. The OP then had many posts deleted, so they’re not helping themselves on this thread.

That doesn’t mean you’re somehow obliged to or are justified in making things worse, @Apolloneuro.

I’ve only commented about twice!

Just sort yourself out. You’ll be happier in the end.

I’ve counted Atleast 4 comments! You’re doing it deliberately !

So complaining about people being ‘judgemental’ whilst calling people ‘onky trolls’ works in your head, does it?

You might want to look up the word ‘irony’.

I’m not the person having posts deleted 🤷🏻‍♀️