Friend won’t take the hint about my house

[SlovenlyOldSlut]

I have a good friend who I met about six years ago, but only really became very friendly with during lockdown, as I was furloughed and she was caring for her sick father, meaning that as two single people, we had a lot of time for messaging and video calls.

As we live on opposite sides of London, we’ve always met centrally or in specific locations rather than visiting one another’s homes. She’s never been to my place; I’ve been to hers once when she had a tribute evening for her father after he died. That was something everyone she knew was invited to; she’s never invited me there one on one. This hasn’t ever been an issue for me, as there’s no point in either of us trekking across the city unless there’s a real reason to go to the other’s house (e.g. a party).

However, lately she has developed a real bugbear about not having been to my house. At every opportunity, it’s “I can’t believe I still haven’t been to your place! We need to sort out a time”. We’ll be making plans for something else and she’ll throw in, “Yeah, let’s do that - and we need to sort out when I’m coming round to yours too! I really want to see your place!” We were looking at an event near to me and it was, “Ooh, great - and I can see your house too! As I STILL haven’t seen it…” (complete with mock hurt face).

Now, I struggle with housework at the best of times. I don’t like mess, but I just get overwhelmed. However, at the moment it’s worse for a variety of reasons. A relative is storing some stuff here while they’re abroad, so I have less space. Everything seems to be breaking at once too. I’ve just bought a new washing machine, so I’m behind with laundry; the fridge freezer is about to die; plus the hob is now taking turns between either refusing to light at all or taking my bloody eyebrows off. The whole house needs time and money spending on it before I’m ready for guests.

I have TOLD my friend this. I tell her every time she brings it up. I’ve been completely honest about why I’m not ready for guests at the moment and have said I’m going to have a party at some point (realistically Christmas) once everything is a bit straighter. She isn’t listening. It’s always “Awwh, I don’t mind; you should see the mess my place is in sometimes!” - or worse “But I could help you! I love tidying up; it’s my thing, I’ll help!” The latter is my worst nightmare - I let another friend “help” once after she made a big thing about being a big declutterer and I wanted to cry within about five minutes.

AIBU to think she needs to respect my feelings for the moment? It’s not about her not being welcome; I don’t want anyone here at the moment. And it’s not like I’m around there every week and never return the hospitality - like I say, I’ve only been there once. I feel like I need to say that this topic is off limits until I say otherwise, even at the risk of offending her, because it’s becoming stressful having to fend this off every time we meet.

I think a friendship can only go so far if you're unwilling to invite her to your home and show basic hospitality. If you'd rather let the friendship die off then fair enough.

Lots of people need to spend money on their homes yet still have friends to stay. Why are you ashamed of a dying cooker and old fridge freezer? Just eat out or order in.

How long will it take to catch up with laundry if you do 2-3 loads a day? I know it's a pain, when ours broke it was weeks before the new one arrived, so it piled up in mountains (family of 4). But you just have to knuckle down and commit to doing a lot of laundry every day for a week. If you let it drag on it will become more overwhelming to make an indent and dirty clothes/bedding start to smell.

Is your house maybe in a worse state than you admit to yourself? Seems sad and strange to turn down guests because you're ashamed of your home.

Clutter and disorganisation is terrible for mental health. Plus it traps dirt and dust, so no matter how much you clean the uncluttered areas it still looks/smells grubby. Why are you storing someone else's stuff??

In your shoes I'd have a huge de-clutter and get rid of all the stuff that isn't useful. If things don't have a place in a cuoboard or drawer, chuck them. It feels so liberating. Then give everything a deep clean, get carpets cleaned, hire a cleaner if you're short of time. After all that, when your house is tidy and clean, ask yourself if you want this woman to stay?

If you still don't want her, question why you keep her as a friend. Allowing friends into our personal space is an important step that deeprns a friendship. She has trusted you enough to host you in the past, yet you keep her at arms length?

Read the thread

Also as a few of us have said, it's not a rule that it's part of a relationship. Myself and others couldn't care less about going to someone's house or not and I have normal longstanding relationships also

So many nasty posts.
OP, your home your rules.
You are perfectly entitled to not wish to have this pushy woman imposing on you.
It would give me the Ick.
Your reasoning is YOUR business.
You do not owe anyone an invite to YOUR home.
Do not be bullied by her. You need to tell her straight that the subject is closed.
If she continues to push this then you know for sure she is not your friend.
Yanbu.

I am freaked out by people touching stuff. It is definitely easier just to avoid discomfort. I thought I would get flamed for being difficult.

Why are you ashamed of a dying cooker and old fridge freezer? Just eat out or order in.

What’s the point of asking her to trek for an hour across London, making myself uncomfortable in the process, when we could eat out as you suggested at a mutually convenient location?

Seems sad and strange to turn down guests because you're ashamed of your home.

The only thing I’m sad about is that it’s becoming an issue in an otherwise great friendship.

Allowing friends into our personal space is an important step that deeprns a friendship. She has trusted you enough to host you in the past, yet you keep her at arms length?

I’m not keeping her at arm’s length. I’ve been to her house on one occasion when she chose to host a lot of people for a very specific reason.

Why are you storing someone else's stuff??
It’s mutually beneficial. My family member pays me less than she would for private storage; I get some extra cash.

It doesn't matter what state the OP's house is in, or why she's not ready to have the friend over.

It matters that she's being pressured to do it, despite saying several times that she'd be happy to do it when she's worked through some issues with her house. Op has been saying "when I'm ready" and the friend has been saying, "no. now."

This. We've all lost people we wish we could have a last gas with over a cuppa. For me, my old table has been the scene of so many laughs/ celebrations/ dramas that I can tear up thinking of them, but joyously. Don't let this cloud your friendship, wherever you see your friend.

They are hour apart across London, and previously have always met up outside their homes. This worked well from them and they could continue to do so.

The friend has never invited OP to have a cozy one-on-one chat at her house either.

OP has said several times, she wants to give herself until before Christmas to sort out her house. Not six years.

I mostly meet a nearby friend outside the house because its just boring to be stuck indoors. We do walks and a takeaway coffee on route, for the exercise and because we can have a set time to head home and get on with things.

But it doesn't mean that's the standard. OP doesn't have to do that, any more than she has to have the friend opposite her on the kitchen table.

HRTFT but in my friendship groups we very rarely meet at one another's houses, so I would find it really strange if someone was pushing to come to/see my house. I have never had a burning desire to see any of their houses. We prefer to meet in cafes, restaurants, at the theatre, etc.

Someone may have already mentioned this, but is it a money thing? Meeting outside the home usually involves spending money on food, drinks, etc.

This! What’s the point of a friendship if you’re not listened to, or your feelings aren’t considered?
It’s not like OP is saying that her friend can never visit her home, just when it’s more convenient.
If I were in OP’’s shoes, I’d say something along the lines of ‘I’ll have you over when I’m ready, but please don’t continually ask me. It makes me feel unheard’.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable.
Friendships rely on a good balance.

It would also become a good opportunity to clean your house up.

I totally understand. I would love nothing more than a massive clear out at my house. I find it so embarrassing how messy it is but I don’t have the time or energy to do it. I have three kids (10, 3 and 3mo) and the 3yo is the worst for immediately undoing any tidying we have achieved. My DH is no better and just constantly creates mess unless I’m literally following him around and nagging. It’s an uphill battle. I made a massive effort to get my house in some form of order before my baby was born but I ended up with an EMCS which stopped me being up to tidying and my DH was trying to do everything during my recovery and work too.

Your friend needs to back off. It’s up to you who comes to your house and comments like ‘they’re here to see you’ or ‘they’re not judging’ really do nothing to help me feel better.

Say that it's nothing personal but you don't feel comfortable having people around at the moment. I do a job that has intense bursts and the house goes to pot. Unfortunately I can't always get straight in-between and there's a huge amount of stuff that needs sorting out too. I have promised a friend I'll invite him for dinner once I get my house straight enough. He knows the full circumstances and he's not enquired any further - but has invited us to dinner instead.

She’s either being a nosey little madam and deliberately not taking the hint, in fact becoming more nosey obsessed the more you say no. Or, she doesn’t understand boundary’s and is trying too hard to be your friend.

Politely, you sound like your a hoarder and don’t want to admit to this to yourself

This! 👏👏

That's interesting, what I took from it was that she wants to be considered a next level friend and sees being allowed into OPs hone as evidence of that

I don't see the big deal in why she's so desperate to come to your house! I've got friends I've been close with for longer that I've never seen their houses, nor they mine. No real reason for it except some live a distance away and so we meet in the middle, or for closer friends we'd rather meet for a meal or day out than stay indoors.

If you don't want her round, for whatever reason, you shouldn't have to let her come. It's your home and your space; you should be able to feel comfortable in your own home.

Why is everyone trying so hard to armchair diagnose hoarding?!

There has been alot of talk of hoarding in the media.. I'm not a hoarder, I rather throw away than keep BUT I don't like people to come over to my house and if they don't respect that they don't respect me so of no interest.

My DD (13) had a friend last year that was bloody obsessed with coming to our house. Constantly asked about coming round, her mum never corrected her and I actually found it quite rude. She was also absolutely obsessed with my DD going there (to her house)… my DD didn’t want her at ours and doesn’t actually tend to have friends over, she feels that ‘home’ is her safe space and she doesn’t want that to be friends coming round … plus she finds it boring that they come round sit on the couch and then just scroll tiktok or other such nonsense that my DD is t interested in… she would much rather meet in the local village, get a milkshake and go and walk along the pier and actually engage in conversation!… This kid was relentless and asked my DD almost on a daily basis.. they’d arrange to meet in the village (which is near to her house- but miles from ours) and ask if she could come to ours first.. my DD would say it doesn’t make sense to do that, my mum will just pick you up and drop us there. They’d then walk back to hers and I’d collect DD just as they arrived back… but this kid would then sulk about not coming to ours… it really ground my daughter down and when they fell out over something else at school my DD just disengaged and didn’t make up with her, she said friendships shouldn’t be such hard work…. And she’s right!!!
Next time your friend brings it up I would literally say “for gods sake, how many times!!’….. ‘ then reiterate that you’re not excepting house guests!!! Or something like ‘Good grief, you’re like a child nagging for sweets!’ Or ‘a dog with an bone’.. And chuckle!! And then say ‘seriously though… have you not heard me say ‘I DON’T WANT GUESTS!!!’

Well done OP for not being a people- pleaser. 👏🏻👏🏻 You can’t please everyone but you can please yourself. Far more authentic to prioritise your own needs than those of a pushy friend.

And say if you did let her come round without wanting her to be there, wouldn’t that lead to resentment on your part & her thinking that she could get whatever she wants by being a bit pushy / somewhat aggressive?

But you ain’t no doormat! And to be honest, I think your friend should listen to you more & respect your wishes.

This is ridiculous. Why are you making a big deal over this? Are you a hoarder and ashamed? This person according to you is a friend. Do you not know the meaning of friendship? How is it justifiable that you’re making such a fuss about a friend coming to visit you at home? Grow up!

I voted UABU because you need help and your friend is offering it. Just accept it and with your friend's help you may enjoy your house earlier than planned

You shouldn't have to live like this. I really think you need to sort your place out. The cooker not working properly shouldn't make the place too messy to have friends round.
You're making excuses, but would realistically be much happier if you could have a friend round for a simple cup of tea.