Friend won’t take the hint about my house

[SlovenlyOldSlut]

I have a good friend who I met about six years ago, but only really became very friendly with during lockdown, as I was furloughed and she was caring for her sick father, meaning that as two single people, we had a lot of time for messaging and video calls.

As we live on opposite sides of London, we’ve always met centrally or in specific locations rather than visiting one another’s homes. She’s never been to my place; I’ve been to hers once when she had a tribute evening for her father after he died. That was something everyone she knew was invited to; she’s never invited me there one on one. This hasn’t ever been an issue for me, as there’s no point in either of us trekking across the city unless there’s a real reason to go to the other’s house (e.g. a party).

However, lately she has developed a real bugbear about not having been to my house. At every opportunity, it’s “I can’t believe I still haven’t been to your place! We need to sort out a time”. We’ll be making plans for something else and she’ll throw in, “Yeah, let’s do that - and we need to sort out when I’m coming round to yours too! I really want to see your place!” We were looking at an event near to me and it was, “Ooh, great - and I can see your house too! As I STILL haven’t seen it…” (complete with mock hurt face).

Now, I struggle with housework at the best of times. I don’t like mess, but I just get overwhelmed. However, at the moment it’s worse for a variety of reasons. A relative is storing some stuff here while they’re abroad, so I have less space. Everything seems to be breaking at once too. I’ve just bought a new washing machine, so I’m behind with laundry; the fridge freezer is about to die; plus the hob is now taking turns between either refusing to light at all or taking my bloody eyebrows off. The whole house needs time and money spending on it before I’m ready for guests.

I have TOLD my friend this. I tell her every time she brings it up. I’ve been completely honest about why I’m not ready for guests at the moment and have said I’m going to have a party at some point (realistically Christmas) once everything is a bit straighter. She isn’t listening. It’s always “Awwh, I don’t mind; you should see the mess my place is in sometimes!” - or worse “But I could help you! I love tidying up; it’s my thing, I’ll help!” The latter is my worst nightmare - I let another friend “help” once after she made a big thing about being a big declutterer and I wanted to cry within about five minutes.

AIBU to think she needs to respect my feelings for the moment? It’s not about her not being welcome; I don’t want anyone here at the moment. And it’s not like I’m around there every week and never return the hospitality - like I say, I’ve only been there once. I feel like I need to say that this topic is off limits until I say otherwise, even at the risk of offending her, because it’s becoming stressful having to fend this off every time we meet.

Wow, this spectacularly misses the point. If you have never lived in London you don't know what it's like to live here. Just as if you've never felt very vulnerable around your living space you don't know how that feels either. Some people can empathise though.

OP I think you could talk directly to her just by being very truthful, eg 'can we not talk about this any more? I can't have people round at the moment. I love you and our friendship is one of my favourite things but I'm not going to invite you round.'

It is horrible feeling very vulnerable about your house but it's OK for you to protect yourself like that. My house is perfectly presentable these days but I still sometimes feel like I'm opening my rib cage and letting people trample all over my innards when I host. I'm aware the issue is with me, but actually it's OK not to have people over if I don't want to.

Tell her to drop it. She's upsetting you. If she persists, block her.

At a certain point if you feel close to someone as a friend, it feels natural to want to see their base and where they spend their time, the choices they’ve made in terms of location/setting, the books/plants/art/whatever they’ve chosen to have around them, and to show them yours - it’s just a natural progression of the friendship. I’ve got friends in another city and we don’t visit often, but since we’ve each seen each other’s places, we can easily picture each other going about our day to day when we talk.

Yes it’s possible that some people have an unpleasant agenda or are busybodies - that story about the woman who photographed dust on the skirting board is awful - but in a way that’s why inviting someone home feels like stepping up the friendship, because you’re showing you trust them and you don’t think they’re that kind of person.

In a world that mostly isn’t full of shelters, it’s also nice if you become good friends and live reasonably close by to have a kind of occasional ‘shelter’ or comfy place beyond your own home where you can curl up on the sofa, drink tea, chat etc - a cafe just isn’t the same. In my experience, yes it can be extra work to host, but if you like someone there’s also really something nice about taking care of them. I used to live near where I worked and a couple of work friends who hadn’t been to my house before were in the office one day when I wasn’t and got soaked in the rain. It was nice to be able to invite them to mine to dry off, have a hot drink etc, and be a bit of a sanctuary at that moment, when they’d done other nice things for me.

She shouldn’t be pushy, and ultimately it’s up to you, but there are a few posts on this thread that make it sound like seeing a friend’s house is a totally unnecessary extra to a friendship. That’s not my feeling about it at all.

From having formerly lived in London, it really isn’t about hostility (usually) in my experience - more just that housing is so bloody expensive that you don’t necessarily have a nice spacious place to invite them to, plus a visit to a friend’s house from yours might easily be a two hour round trip or more, even if you both technically live in London. If you live in London, unless you’re very wealthy, you’ve basically made the choice that having lots of going out options and new experiences is more important than home comforts. So it’s not illogical that people’s social lives then follow that pattern while they’re there.

No one gets over the doorstep in mine
We don't do visitors
Friends have never asked,it's never been an issue

I'm guessing you've never been to Scandinavia...

And yes, I remember this from living in London.

I wonder if she knows that you are becoming overwhelmed and thinks that maybe you have a hoarding problem? She may have heard something to make her think this?
If so, it could be that she is just trying to cajole you into accepting some help from her in the best way she knows how. It’s probably coming from a place of kindness.
i think you need to speak to her and say whilst you appreciate her kind offer to help you, you do not require her help at present. You also need to let her know that her constant requests are beginning to make you anxious and request that she gives you some breathing space.
I would also be looking to get rid of the relatives stuff. When do they return from abroad? Its not ideal to be storing someone else’s belongings if you are struggling with your own clutter / household maintenance.

This is ridiculous. If I was hostile towards her, we wouldn’t be friends at all, would we?

I only even mentioned that we live in London to emphasise that we’re not a couple of streets away from one another, so it’s not like she can just pop in for a coffee. It’s an hour journey each way. It would be just as impractical if we lived on opposite sides of Birmingham, Glasgow or Manchester.

CHAOS - Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. It's very common.

I hope that you resolve this without compromising your boundaries.

She sound rude if you’ve clearly set a boundary around visiting and she still tries to breach it. Next time she mentions it, be blunter and say something like “Look, we’ve talked about this before and I’ve told you I’m not up for visitors and frankly, it’s frustrating you are not accepting my decision. If and when I want to host, I will let you know but please stop fishing for an invite as it’s not going to happen”.

if she continues to push, I’d start to distance myself as she sounds like a pain.

Huh? I live in Stockholm and me and my friends are over at each others houses all the time. In fact we are way less cagey than Brits about our homes as we tend to show the entire house including bedrooms, utility rooms etc when someone comes over for the first time. I don't think we are hostile or uninviting at all.

What a bizarre comment! I have lived in London most of my life and we drop in on people/have people dropping in on us on a daily basis! You sound like the sort of person who has been to Leicester Square twice and decided that wherever you live in is far superior to London 😆

The OP's issue is so far removed from what you say. Get over yourself is right!

Fair enough. I'm in Denmark, and there has definitely been a change from when I grew up. My parents had guests all the time. My friends not so much. We meet outside the home and/or go to events together.

Maybe you need to be a bit brusque with her and let her know it is becoming annoying and causing you unnecessary stress. She is now making this into a bigger thing than it should be and if she does come around, you just know she will be full observation mode and you will feel deeply uncomfortable.

That's silly. I lived in London for years, and purely because distances can be so enormous, you can be very good friends with someone and never or almost never go to their homes, because it could easily take you an hour or more to get there, so it's a better use of everyone's time to meet somewhere between and spend more time together. No 'hostility' or 'arm's length', just a city whose size means some kind of social interactions are easier.

I lived in northeast London and had close friends in places like Sydenham, Forest Hill, Nunhead, Richmond, whose homes I almost never went to. I was far more often in the homes of friends who lived in Kentish Town, Soho and Pimlico, even if I was less clsoe to them. I think there's also a difference about perceptions of 'home' when (like me and some of my other more central friends) we'd decided to trade off space for centrality. DH and I lived in a tiny one-bed we in fact spent very little time in -- we were young and childfree and out all the time doing the cheap and free things you can do in London.

yes this was also my thoughts after reading the update - some of the things you (OP) describe are in Exactly the same way as a friend who has a quite serious hoarding issue.

it may be your friend is just nosy or it may be they are gently trying to help

I really would say, “You’re not listening. I’m not in a position to have you round. As soon as I am, I’ll tell you.”

This. Start sorting main areas of your house out so you can comfortably invite your friend into your home. It's a bit odd you haven't been able to do this for SIX years!

👋Hi Londoner, nice to meet you

She needs a new project after her dad dies and you are it!

That being said I think you sound like you have more of a hoarding problem than you are willing to admit. This doesn’t give her the right to invade your home! But it is something you might want to address. A bag of spoiled/out if date food from your fridge is pretty significant.The “ok bag of carrots “ notwithstanding.

You’re missing the point. The issue is that she won’t get that I’m not ready!

Oh FFS. Out of date food is “hoarding” now?

and again I say......

Utter nonsense, we lived there over 20 years and and had friends over all the time and visited friends too. What an odd comment. I have found that because people don't tend to chat during rush hour non Londoners think that makes people 'unfriendly'- it's just people switching off and getting through the most unpleasant part of the day and wanting to get home.