ADHD husband's 'shutdowns'

[HebburnPokemon]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

Around a few times each month, my (unmedicated) ADHD-diagnosed husband will suddenly 'shutdown', meaning he goes quiet, rejects affection, can't explain what's wrong (other than 'feeling anxious'), is non-communicative, rejects sex, etc. At best, he'll reluctantly give me a kiss if I ask for one. He ignores my attempt to cuddle him or any kind of physical contact. There will be minimal communication. This will last a few days.

This makes me feel confused, lonely and anxious myself. I've tried raising my concerns in a serious tone and a light-hearted tone. He says I'm being selfish.

AIBU? How can I manage this situation?

So previously he self-medicated with alcohol? Even though this had its own problems, it allowed for the ADHD effects including the shutdowns to be manageable, for him? This is not that uncommon, but I think he will be finding the 'non-medicated' experience quite tough, and possibly new in some ways.

Turning away from the alcohol aspect is quite a big thing to have achieved and to have kept to, and I think this is already quite brave and promising for you and the DC. As PPs have said, medication can be something else that goes into that space, but at best, it takes time to help, and it doesn't work for everyone. It goes alongside being able to learn more, trust your best coping skills, get back up when things fail, and self-manage. A lot needs to be within the person with ADHD's control to be able to keep going, and work, especially, doesn't often cut you that slack. I am sorry that it's throwing family life for a loop. It might be comparable to migraine or conditions that flare - often you can just about work, but you can't control when a flare happens, and it will be at the times you least welcome it - you can just ride it out and keep doing what works to be able to get beyond it.

It might be a good thought to see if you could have some counselling sessions separately. They do help to keep you feeling heard and steer away from 'helpless' in a way which is more compassionate to yourselves but in dialogue with someone objective.

It's actually the opposite despite the incorrect beliefs. Neurodiverse people actually are more likely to have hyperempathy - they absorb so much of others emotions they become overwhelmed and uncontrollable and hence shutdown. I get it from patients and work

My WiFi is too rubbish atm but if you Google the triple empathy problem it explains in detail, often more associated with autism but there's massive overlap

I don't think I've ever heard that, are there peer reviewed studies?

A lot of literature. I'm a Dr my trade. I'm on hol with the worst WiFi ever so struggling to link them, sorry

Here is a paper written by a bunch of colleagues on the matter at least from my favourites list

journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/13623613231205629

Dh does this. It is upsetting and can be annoying depending on timing. It’s not his choice - it’s a physical response, a coping mechanism. It’s a pain for me and worrying for me and the kids but it’s how it is. It is worse for him so I feel grateful I am ok.

he is looking into a diagnosis for ADHD.

I’m astonished that anyone didn’t know this.

https://kids.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/frym.2021.554875

This sounds really hard for you both OP! It's completely reasonable that you find it hard and definitely not a sign you're incompatible - I think most people would even if, like you, they understood it wasn't personal or deliberate. For short term comfort while you pursue the helpful suggestions upthread, I found when with a partner who had depressive episodes that deliberately directing my attention elsewhere - texting or seeing a friend, doing something for myself (even a podcast I like while cleaning) helped me to get through. Just having a set protocol of things I did made it more like following a script and less like responding emotionally in the moment. Really hope things improve for you both.

https://www.verywellmind.com/hyper-empathy-in-autism-8426957

https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C5&q=autism+hyper+empathy&oq=autism+hyper+em#d=gs_qabs&t=1721241845692&u=%23p%3DQoFfRfO49moJ

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF03395675

https://journals.openedition.org/phenomenology/298

Sorry May not be the best papers just ones that seemed somewhat relevant on my quick scholar search

is "neurospiciness" a new way of saying spiteful?

Mm its hard. I still cook for my partner/clean/do all the house admin etc I'm just somewhat of a vegetable and not as chatty as normal

You're not alone. My DH I suspect has ADHD but gets very upset if I suggest getting a diagnosis. He is increasingly anxious and throughout the last 20 years 'shuts down' verbally and emotionally for weeks at a time. Barely says a word to me or the kids during these times, and gets frustrated and angry about tiny things.

After 26 years together I'm getting to the point of giving him an ultimatum, but I don't know what his reaction or response will be. 😢

She has said he snaps at them too. That's not meeting their needs.

I know exactly what a shutdown is, you're not the only ND woman on mumsnet but you're one that's determined to shut down others in favour of a ND man.

The poor kids. When you talk to him and he brings up supporting his mental health you say sharply what about your kids? It is NOT their job to support your mental health, they are having an emotionally insecure childhood where their dad emotionally withdraws regularly and takes it out on them as much as me. They will be lucky if they don’t struggle to form healthy relationships themselves and it hurts to watch you hurt them.

What's he like when he comes out of it? Can you both talk rationally? Judgment free?

If you know exactly what a shutdown is, then you’ll know it’s outside of his control.
This really isn’t anything to do with the fact that he’s a man 🙄

You never snap at anyone I guess @AquaFurball !

*If you know exactly what a shutdown is, then you’ll know it’s outside of his control.
This really isn’t anything to do with the fact that he’s a man *

OP is autistic, what happens if she shuts down at the same time, who looks after the children? Let me guess, she'll somehow manage regardless though.

I do this too. It’s a response to feeling overwhelmed and in my case I disassociate, think of it as a freeze for the brain. It would be important to notice what triggers it for him. It sounds like stress/pressure. The worst thing is to go towards / put pressure on but of course this is natural as you feel shut out, so it’s very difficult. its been very difficult for my partners - one left, my current partner is more tolerant and I’m also working through it in trauma therapy as it is a trauma response

The hyper empathy thing is real. I have this and can literally feel the emotions coming off people. I'm just rubbish at coping with them sometimes.
Your DH has not been diagnosed long, right?
Could his diagnosis still be something he's coming to terms with. At first it may have been a relief to know but this journey isn't linear and he may be struggling to process.
I think the main aim for the time being is to figure out what helps him, being gently uncritical. Don't talk about it when things are bad, wait til there's a good period - but don't ignore your own needs. If there are periods when you can't meet each others needs then make a plan for that, whether that's increasing your social time (if it helps you) and decreasing his, giving him something to occupy him or you. It's all trial and error, but ditch the incompatibility thoughts until you've tried a few things at least

Give him space and be confident in his love. The more you pursue and pressure, the longer he will stay in shut down mode.

When I feel like this I can become actually angry if I'm pestered, touched, questioned etc. The pressure and lack of understanding or patience is incredibly frustrating and feels very unfair. I want to shout 'im not asking for much just room to breath and time to process'.

Thankfully I'm now in a relationship with somebody who gets it so it's not a problem but I've walked away from people who couldn't deal with shut downs. It's not like I will ever stop having them and if they can't accept my explanation and do what I need then to do in those situations I can't justify the relationship long term.

I leave mine to it and do my own thing. Occasionally annoying when I really need to get something across. Other than that I just leave him to process.

I know it’s not about me- he does love me. Just his brain is having a nap! I speak to my mum or sister or friends if I need support. After a day or so he is back to being the best partner ever.

They aren’t even her children I think! But HE gets to be mad at HER.

Well no, I shut down at work and so lost my job. I didn't cope. There is more social pressure on men to "cope" at work rather than at home, so that's where they are more likely to put the last of their energy.