ADHD husband's 'shutdowns'

[HebburnPokemon]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

Around a few times each month, my (unmedicated) ADHD-diagnosed husband will suddenly 'shutdown', meaning he goes quiet, rejects affection, can't explain what's wrong (other than 'feeling anxious'), is non-communicative, rejects sex, etc. At best, he'll reluctantly give me a kiss if I ask for one. He ignores my attempt to cuddle him or any kind of physical contact. There will be minimal communication. This will last a few days.

This makes me feel confused, lonely and anxious myself. I've tried raising my concerns in a serious tone and a light-hearted tone. He says I'm being selfish.

AIBU? How can I manage this situation?

OP, everything else aside, you mention that you wfh and so as a result don't see many people f2f. I find when either me or my husband does this, it creates problems because we end up with huge differences in our social batteries. At the end of the day the person who is working out of the home just wants quiet, and the person at home just wants company. I've found that we really need to make sure that we arrange our work so we both get enough contact with other people during the day.

Some of these replies are very discompassionate.

For me, this WOULD mean we were incompatible. I'm far from perfect, and indeed have a 'shutting down' condition myself, but I don't get into relationships as a carer or human sacrifice and I wouldn't expect a partner to either.

OP's evidently a far more giving person than I am, but the fact remains that we should never persist with relationships that make us more anxious instead of more secure, make us question ourselves instead of feeling more confident, leave us feeling rejected rather than loved and admired.

I hope medication will allow him to step back from his symptoms enough to understand what he's doing to you and find better ways to manage it, @HebburnPokemon. It's the least you deserve.

I don't disagree that OP deserves to not feel rejected in the relationship.

However, there is give and take in any relationship. It sounds like this is very early in the process for OP's husband, and he is willing to improve things. He's given up the alcohol and is waiting on medication. This can take a very long time.

I also think that reframing things can help. A lot of OP's distress comes from her perception that he is rejecting her. I'm pointing out that that may not be actually be true. Overwhelm is not rejection. This might not immediately change his behaviour, but it might change how OP feels about it.

i have ADHD. Sometimes I have sensory overload, feel exhausted. I often need quiet time and space . I might get into bed and just want to be in my own head and body and not do hugs or touching . DH gives me that space.
I think you are being selfish with your love language and need for physical touch. His needs are important too. Allow him some space to regroup when he feels burnout.

Youre not doing much for your cause.

There's a difference between sometimes, and several times a month for several days and being unable to accept responsibility or come up with a plan to make it more tolerable for the people around you.

The hardest things about overwhelm or burnout are recognising/understanding what's happening, and making a plan that's not "everyone leave me alone and I'll just try harder".

Also, he has done something - stopping the alcohol ( a huge achievement ) - and he has a plan - professional help. Unfortunately, that does not happen overnight.

The other thing that really helps is reducing load - ie, changing jobs / reducing hours. However, that's a big decision to make, and is hard to do.

Seriously you're 'astonished' that someone may not know something that's not in their field of experience or work?
Tell me, how would you resolve insulation errors in a Stones turbo generator?
You must know without looking of course! I'll be astonished if you don't.
Thank you @Destiny123 for taking the time to respond with all those studies rather than just being insulting and abrasive like someone else!.

Absolutely!!

I’d be wary of blaming everything on ADHD - I say that as someone who has several family members with ADHD and am also on waiting list for assessment.

shutdowns aren’t something I’ve had experience of, but I’d say that people can still behave badly towards their partner with ADHD.

he needs to meet you half way. And try to manage his shutdowns

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable by raising this as a concern - my husband thinks I am.

I am here to tell you that you are not. You get to decide what is acceptable and reasonable for you within your relationship of choice. Nobody can wield a diagnosis to keep you indentured in a position of their reasonable amicable benevolent carer. If you have a legitimate concern it is not unreasonable to raise it, in a healthy relationship.

Nobody is saying he needs to be perfect but are you seeing at least an equal amount of effort on his part to keep the show on the road.

I presume you're not seeing this, or you wouldn't be here. Yes, he is not currently abusing alcohol but we are really just achieving a basic necessity of being a good partner by not abusing alcohol. Relationships are a choice. You get to decide what is right for you, and it wouldn't be unreasonable to decide that instead of upping your hours and working yourself to the bone so he can reduce his hours in the hope that improves his behaviour (watch yourself burn out) the gap is too wide between what you want and what he is capable of and this is not for you.

This is not about you OP. You are making it worse by trying to push him to have physical contact with you when he is simply unable to do so.

I am ND and I am often burned out/drained to the point where my body and mind barely function anymore and I need to 'shut down' to be able to recover.

That's never going to change.

Either you decide that you can live with it or you can't and reconsider the relationship but it is not fair to blame your partner for something he can't help doing.

What I mean is, that I thought this was common knowledge and that people (not you in particular) are commenting on this thread without any understanding of what adhd is.

I genuinely thought that these misconceptions about autism were commonly understood by the general public to be exactly that.

I apologise if it came across as rude or abrasive. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing, or asking to know more. I just wonder what level of understanding other posters have who are pronouncing with authority here.

So if he had a broken leg, OP should put her foot down and insist that he's up and running around the next day?

To repeat - there are two things that help in this situation. Changing work, and medication. Changing work is hard, and the medication is almost impossible to get.

Ongoing attempts to "Make an effort" is one of the key features of burnout.

Someone who doesn't want to be touched or have sex does not need to meet their partner half way. If we were talking about a woman, no one would be saying this. I know this because I've read lots of threads from women who don't want to be touched at times, or touched so much, for a variety of reasons but their partners insist on touching them and pestering them for sex. I specifically searched for these threads because I was in that situation and it was awful. Whether or not the OP can live with that is another matter, but no one should be forced to engage in touching and sex they don't want.

What @LameBorzoi makes a lot of sense. I have ADHD and a job where I am frequently in calls with people and a lot of putting out fires so to speak. By the end of the day I’m completely exhausted. It’s effort to interact with anyone. Obviously I do because I have kids but once they go to bed I could happily and would prefer to not speak and sit by myself for the rest of the night. Other days I’m fine and can chat as normal. I’m currently in a stressful situation at work so the wanting to be alone outside of work is a lot more at the moment. It’s hard to explain.

I wouldn’t be annoyed though with my husband asking me why I was being like that. I’d try to explain as best I could but it doesn’t really make sense.

It's really hard to explain these feelings because most people don't experience them, or experience then on the same way, so there aren't really words for them.

To add - "make an effort" is really one of the most damaging pieces of advice that you can give to a person experiencing burnout.

I don't know that what you describe has anything to do with adhd tbh. Yes he may have adhd but there could well be various things going on as well.

My mother was also a sulker. I have had quote a bit of therapy and realise that she ticks all the boxes for narcissism. I had an incredibly difficult childhood with her as a result and unfortunately you don't get out unscathed from that sort of early life.

As it happens I also have adhd behaviours. I have never been formally diagnosed. But I adopted 2 girls who were both diagnosed with it and I realised I had many of the same issues.

Thing is, in their case it is just as likely to bethe early trauma they suffered and I suspect the same for me. Basically the nervous system goes awray when you are tiny and helpless and dealing with an unpredictable mother.

I was never beaten and to all intents and purposes we seemed like a normal family but my mother's behaviour was not ok. It left me anxious and withdrawn and I have always struggled with close relationships.

So, I suspect that your husband shuts down as some kind of coping strategy from his childhood in response to some trigger, which probably has nothing to do with you. Think of it more like a depressive episode.

He will only be able to come out from this if he explores his early life and I know that is a huge pandoras box to open. Men often won't go there. My brother remarks on our odd childhood sometimes but he is way too loyal to our mother too anything.

So the other option is for you to see where this behaviour is coming from and not take it personally. He is replicating his mother's coping strategy but it's all toxic but he needs help to see what is going on.

No. That's a silly comparison.

I can't see where anyone has suggested he should simply Make an Effort, nor where the OP's main issue is regarding a lack of sex.

How many children are there and how old are they? If they live with you 50% of the time and are being "snapped at" regularly by their father, that is a horrible way for them to live. Does their mother know? Perhaps they should spend less time with their father? Does he actively parent them during these shutdown periods?

I'm presuming she knows very well, and it's why they're now divorced.

My partners like this.
But, saying that, I am ADHD too and can also be like this.

Sometimes I go distant and it's nothing to do with him at all. I just have things on my mind, and when they build up, I like to be alone with my thoughts and have minimal contact with others. This can last anywhere up to 3 days. I've always been like this and many friendships have suffered for it. The only ones that have lasted are the ones that understand me and my need for space during my 'quiet times'.

I can't advise on what to do, as my advice would be to give him the space and he'll come bouncing back when ready, but I understand this doesn't serve you if it leaves you feeling neglected.

ETA: I also get like this if I've been very busy for a few days in a row. It can get too much and I need 'recuperation' time. Might be worth looking into patterns/triggers, and what may have been going on in the lead up to the shutdowns.