is this unforgivable in a friendship?

[pam72]

I was in a close friendship with a group of other mums. over lockdown, I became close to the DH of one of my good friends. I'm a single mum - which can often be a tricky card to play...While nothing physical ever happened, we both admitted we had feelings for each other, but also agreed it would be catastrophic for so many people if anything further developed. Nothing ever did, but when he's drunk he sends me very full on messages about how life is cruel and how much he wishes we could be together. I don't fully shut them down - to do this I think I'd have to say I would tell his wife? but I don't encourage them (I'll tell him to go to bed / stop messaging) its incredibly hard to ignore and I think about him constantly. I also feel it's very unfair of him to send these messages. he seems totally able to compartmentalize and act like nothing weird has happened. but to me, it's all consuming, It honestly feels like a drug. Nothing happened, I distanced myself, from him and his wife's friendship, I moved house, I left my job. I questioned everything about myself, unable to believe the feelings I had for him didn't just trump, but floored any feelings of guilt I had for his wife. Never ever ever thought I'd be this person. Totally thought I was both stronger and way more loyal to the sisterhood.

Recently his wife has blocked me on every social platform, removed me from group chats etc and I feel (but don't know) that she is trying to get our mutual friends to distance themselves from me. If she knew the truth I totally get why this would happen, but if she knew the truth, I also don't think she'd stay with her husband, but she's still with him. I understand we can no longer be friends, I don't want to be, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband? I don't know what he told her, but it's clearly something that isn't true (I won't be in contact with him as I feel this just looks like I'm causing trouble)

NB - appreciate this is a hugely triggering post for lots of people, and I fully expect to get torrents of abuse - but I'm being truthful about a situation and a position that I don't think gets shared too much - but probably is more common that people realize.

I'm sorry it's happened to you too. Sounds like your friend is insecure in her marriage because she knows what he's like but it was easier to blame you.

I 'must have lead him on'.

Yes, this subtext is sometimes there and even if it's not you feel a bit paranoid that it is.

Girls girl... urgh? What loyalty to your girl friend isn't a thing for you?
What vile accusations? I asked a question if she'd slept with her friends husbands before. And she is going to be talked about at the school gates, no one is going to trust her any more. They've already started distancing themselves from her.
Definitely not projecting my own experiences, I've been happily married for decades, I trust my husband 100% with my single friends as does he with me.
She shouldn't get any sympathy, telling your friends husband you have feelings for him a shitty thing to do and crosses so many lines and yes he's just as bad as her.
What she should have done is shut that shit down straight away. Told her friend about the messages he'd sent to her, blocked him and dealt with the fall out like a decent human but she encouraged him and then semi tried to distance herself. That's not a friend anyone would want.

Why on earth didn't you block his number? His wife has obviously found out.

The time to shut him down was when you started to ‘get close’ and certainly when he declared feelings for you rather than telling him you had feelings too.

You know 💯 you shouldn’t have entertained this and that you’re both on
the wrong. But she’s always going yo choose her husband over a so called friend she's known 5 minutes.

Maybe it’s not fair but if you play stupid games you win stupid prizes

I'm not a girl's girl nor a man's girl, I'm a grown woman. I'm a loyal friend but extremely choosy about whom I spend time with. I don't have groups of women friends and nor would I want them.

You're making out that it's a question that you asked but it didn't look like one, very much a goady accusation and all that was missing was a pitchfork. I'd understand if OP was here bragging or not acknowledging her part but she is. Why the need to kick her further?

Completely agree that OP should have told her friend and shut it right down immediately. Perhaps her friend would have been relieved to know about it - or maybe not and behaved like the friend I mentioned in my post. Either way, OP is best shut of the pair of them and will hopefully move on and not let this happen again.

It is shit, isn't it?

I think that women like my friend at the time, lashed out because he 'chose' to be a sleaze with me when he already had her so what was so 'special' about me? Zero thought behind it other than territory-marking from her side.

I wasn't sorry, I lost nothing, but it did make me shift to feeling pity from some women who think their prize has picked them and they are special. No, he keeps trying to 'pick' and will always do that. Most women would not want these horrible specimens anywhere near them so the wives can keep them and kid themselves that he's faithful because he loves them rather than face the fact that he's a creep and it's his unattractiveness that keeps it in his pants and he would if he ever could. Ugh.

Sorry. Having a rant there. I haven't thought about that for many years. Sorry it happened to you as well, phishy.

Looking back at your post, sorry you have had shitty friends but not everyone has had that experience, my group of female friends I've had for 20 years, we've been through, SA, end of marriages, deaths of husband, young and adult children, illnesses, addictions and we're closer than family, I wouldn't trade them for the world but I would trust them with husband and vise versa.
It was a question, maybe I could have phrased it differently, pitchfork...we're not in the 1800s in the deep south! Genuinely curious if she's done this before, she moved house and job very easily but didn't block him or at the least ignore his messages she didnt talk to her friend (or any of her friend group about it for advice)
Kicking her further? She brought it upon herself. You don't get close to a friends husband or any womans husband to the point you have feelings for them and then confess it to them unless you're a shitty person.
Op should speak to her friend she owes her that at the very least. She doesn't even know what her friend has told their friend group if anything and she has the nerve to ask if her friend was wrong! Like I said she's not a friend anyone would want.

No, I'm sorry, Hydenseek78, I really went off at a tangent there.

I'm glad you have a close friendship group, worth its weight in gold.

The thing is OP you got close enough to a friends husband where you told each other you had feelings. If you were any friend to her you wouldn't have let it get that far and you would have shut anything from him down immediately.

You participated and your other friends have seen that as well which means other people won't trust you. If I were in your group I wouldn't trust you either, even though I fully trust my partner.

I'd also be backing away from you because I wouldn't agree with what you've done and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who could do that to a friend.

I've not mentioned him and he is far worse because he's married to her but that's not the point because everyone knows how awful he is and that's not the point of this post.

You asked if YABU and yes you are. You should have shut it down a whole lot sooner and you should never have told a friends husband you had feelings for him.

The other key difference I suspect is given the chance th3 op would have had him leave the wife and be with her, given the chance he’d stay with his wife.

The title of the post and the actual post don’t really synchronise. It seems to be bragging post about how you, a single woman, are just totally irresistible to married men…

Honestly, it sounds like he likes flirting, and you’ve taken it to heart. He probably doesn’t come across many single women other than at work, and you were new and shiny. I don’t think you’re soulmates. She probably found out that he’s a player and felt like a prick that she married someone like that.

Once he started to come on to you you should have told him that your not interested in getting involved with a married man. I would have told him as well if you continue to annoy me I will tell your wife. I would have blocked him on your phone and social media as well.
Your now in the position that your former friend knows that her husband has been in contact with you and maybe has seen messages between you. No wonder she has blocked you.

I know men like him who get board of what's at home. They can find it hard going when a child or children come along because they are no longer 1st in the relationship. They resent the fact that they have to grow up, have responsibilities and they are getting older.
Then some enjoy the thrill of the chase and like to think they still have it to get another woman. Some will go looking for another woman or try to have a woman on the side who listen to him, tell him he is great and have sex with him.

Your friend might be aware of what her husband is like and maybe he has behaved this way in the past. I know a lot of married women with kids and they will try hard to keep their marriages together. A marriage brake up is hard on everyone concerned.
She won't be friends with you again after what happened.
You need to realise that going forward any friends partners or husbands are off limits despite what ever bit of smooth talk they give you.

Once he started to come on to you you should have told him that your not interested in getting involved with a married man. I would have told him as well if you continue to annoy me I will tell your wife. I would have blocked him on your phone and social media as well.
Your now in the position that your former friend knows that her husband has been in contact with you and maybe has seen messages between you. No wonder she has blocked you.

I know men like him who get board of what's at home. They can find it hard going when a child or children come along because they are no longer 1st in the relationship. They resent the fact that they have to grow up, have responsibilities and they are getting older.
Then some enjoy the thrill of the chase and like to think they still have it to get another woman. Some will go looking for another woman or try to have a woman on the side who listen to him, tell him he is great and have sex with him.

Your friend might be aware of what her husband is like and maybe he has behaved this way in the past. I know a lot of married women with kids and they will try hard to keep their marriages together. A marriage brake up is hard on everyone concerned.
She won't be friends with you again after what happened.
You need to realise that going forward any friends partners or husbands are off limits despite what ever bit of smooth talk they give you.

No sorries needed. Its 2 different view points due to our different interactions with friend groups.
My friend group both male and female are great, I'm lucky to have them.
I feel for the friend she's been betrayed by her husband and her so called friend and of course she's going to rally her friend group for support. I have no idea what Op thought the outcome would be, but im genuinely wondering if she has done this before as she honestly doesnt seem to graspe she's done anything wrong, she calls him a drug and justifies her actions.
Sometimes i can be too blunt but i'm too old for some peoples shit lol.
Keep your circle small and loyal.

Your situation is very different, he tried it on you told him to fuck off, the wife misunderstood. Or understood but decided to get rid of the comp.

the op however was telling this man she’s feelings for him. When very clearly he was just playing her for the ego boost.

The mistake you’re making OP is that you are - wrongly - thinking of yourself and the man as a ‘team’, like you should share blame ‘equally’ like kids who have done something wrong. You’re not at primary school, and his wife doesn’t need to be ‘fair’ in her response. She can decide she wants to make her marriage work, and still cut you out.

Similarly, the bloke can just bin you off and work on his marriage. It’s not a particularly nice way to treat you, but it makes sense doesn’t it? To end a marriage requires huge amounts of emotional, financial, and practical upheaval and when actually facing it he has probably decided that, to be brutally honest, you aren’t worth doing it for. I don’t even say that to be mean, it’s probably just what is actually happening in their home at the moment.

Move on and don’t make this mistake again!

Emotional affairs rip hearts out. Ruin relationships and you’ve done it to a friend. I’m glad you’re not my friend.

Yabu to think he's coming up smelling of roses. Most likely they're trying to salvage what's left of their marriage for the sake of their kids so they kind of have to do that by putting a brave face on to an extent. And while I understand you have distanced yourself, quite frankly when I was in a similar situation I blocked the guy first time I got an inappropriate message. You chose to keep that channel open knowing it could lead to further messages and knowing that would be hurtful to his wife if she found out. Now I fully hold him to amount- he's married, he's the one who's supposed to be faithful and protecting his marriage and he's the one who let her down. But as far as I'm concerned, if you knowingly continue contact when the relationship has crossed a boundary and you know there's a wife and kids in the mix then there's also a degree of responsibility in your hands too. So I'm not sure what else you'd expect really. She's able to hold you to account in this way because you mean nothing to her. She's not financially dependent on you, you haven't broken her heart, she hasn't built a life and a family and had children to you. Why would you expect her to just cut him off just as easily when it's really not that simple sometimes. He's probably totally in the dog house, her world has imploded and she's reeling trying to figure out what to do with him. One thing is for sure though, I'd block him now because he's not exactly come running to your door given life is so unfair. He's used you and you've let him. You need to focus on having better boundaries in future op.

I'm sure she's found out and he's fed her a pack of lies about how you came onto him etc etc.

You're totally in the wrong and certainly no friend of hers, but it would annoy me too that he was getting away with it. I'd probably send her screenshots of all the messages between you so she has all the information, and then block your whole friendship group and move on. Unless of course the messages aren't quite as one-sided as you paint, in which case just move on.

It’s hugely likely she found the messages already.

Obviously we don’t know the full story but I do imagine she’s seen the messages, read him the riot act and made it a condition that the OP is cut from all of their lives.

Yes I’d assume that’s how she found out. Doubtful he fessed up and unless others knew, then it means she saw the messages. So she knows

woncer if part of the op was hoping he’d get kicked out and she could run off with him.

Just because she has blocked you doesn’t mean he is ‘coming out smelling of roses’. It’s a lot easier, at least practically speaking, to end a friendship than a marriage. For all you know she might be ending it. But there are loads of reasons- right or wrong- for not ending a marriage. The kids, shared finances, relationships with extended family. Since nothing actually happened she perhaps feels she should give the marriage another go. This isn’t a competition between you and him over who gets to come off worse. He’s got a lot more to lose than you.
Single parenthood isn’t a ‘card to play’ so you’ll have offended everyone on here who is one with that comment. It’s not even relevant. You aren’t being blocked and ostracised because you are some kind of scarlet woman who people see as a husband stealer because you are single! Take some responsibility. You allowed yourself to be in a situation where you essentially had an emotional affair with a married man whose wife was your friend. If you find yourself developing feelings for someone off limits you limit contact or go no contact, you don’t respond to messages, you don’t get involved in lusty conversations about your feelings, or any conversations for that matter. Yes he needs to take responsibility, he’s been out of order too, but that’s not your concern. Move on.

Well what kind of friend are you really? Don't blame her in the slightest!! You wanted what she had, just say that. You CAN help who you fall for, if someone's in a long term committed relationship the boundaries should automatically be set. Of course he's not blameless, but she doesn't have a life with you. You will get the blame so she can justify it to herself, it was all you not him.

unable to believe the feelings I had for him didn't just trump, but floored any feelings of guilt I had for his wife.

Come on now. Seriously.