is this unforgivable in a friendship?

[pam72]

I was in a close friendship with a group of other mums. over lockdown, I became close to the DH of one of my good friends. I'm a single mum - which can often be a tricky card to play...While nothing physical ever happened, we both admitted we had feelings for each other, but also agreed it would be catastrophic for so many people if anything further developed. Nothing ever did, but when he's drunk he sends me very full on messages about how life is cruel and how much he wishes we could be together. I don't fully shut them down - to do this I think I'd have to say I would tell his wife? but I don't encourage them (I'll tell him to go to bed / stop messaging) its incredibly hard to ignore and I think about him constantly. I also feel it's very unfair of him to send these messages. he seems totally able to compartmentalize and act like nothing weird has happened. but to me, it's all consuming, It honestly feels like a drug. Nothing happened, I distanced myself, from him and his wife's friendship, I moved house, I left my job. I questioned everything about myself, unable to believe the feelings I had for him didn't just trump, but floored any feelings of guilt I had for his wife. Never ever ever thought I'd be this person. Totally thought I was both stronger and way more loyal to the sisterhood.

Recently his wife has blocked me on every social platform, removed me from group chats etc and I feel (but don't know) that she is trying to get our mutual friends to distance themselves from me. If she knew the truth I totally get why this would happen, but if she knew the truth, I also don't think she'd stay with her husband, but she's still with him. I understand we can no longer be friends, I don't want to be, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband? I don't know what he told her, but it's clearly something that isn't true (I won't be in contact with him as I feel this just looks like I'm causing trouble)

NB - appreciate this is a hugely triggering post for lots of people, and I fully expect to get torrents of abuse - but I'm being truthful about a situation and a position that I don't think gets shared too much - but probably is more common that people realize.

This is a good perspective. Put bluntly, you're more indispensable to her than he is. She's trying to secure her marriage and friendships and it's easier to scapegoat you and cut you out of her life as much as possible than to tackle her marriage. He could quite easily have exaggerated your role in the wee dalliance or confessed to her that he has feelings for you and the price for staying with her was to never see you again, and they just decided you're the problem rather than him.

It might not be 'fair' but if she wants her marriage to survive, it is easier to get rid of you from their lives than indulge any further drama. And hopefully you've learned - if anything like this happens again, shut it down and block the husband/partner from your phone or otherwise distance yourself completely.

I meant dispensable obvs....

So, there's a lot of messages here saying OP is a terrible person for not totally shutting the husband down but what concerns me is the general acceptance than "men will do these things". Wouldn't it be nice if society was less tolerant of men in monogamous relationships coming on to other women, rather than the pressure being on the women to resist/shut down the advances?

Well it’s definitely totally unacceptable to me and all my friends @Nel482 .I have married male friends, as well as some friends husbands that I am friendly (not friends) with and I’d honestly be so shocked and upset if any of them behaved like this to me or anyone else. Both men and women, single or married/attached, need to have some morals. OP has behaved badly and so has the man involved.

I rooted out any men like that from my social circle back in my 20s. They are so dangerous and reckless. Men who not only cheat but cheat with friends, are not people I want in my circle. They will cause havoc!

Because the thing is once a man hits on his wife’s friend, even if said friend clearly rejects him and does everything right she’s still going to either get blamed or forever be uncomfortable around the couple.

I only know one situation where the friendship has withstood that situation, a close friend of mine was sleeping and her best friends fiancé /father of child crept in the guest room and tried to basically assault her while she was half asleep.

She woke up fully, told him to piss off, went and told her best friend , best friend slapped her fiancé, kicked his ass out and never got back with him although they co-parented. She’s now happily married to someone else and she’s still best friends with my friend.

Ok, so let's be totally clear. If someone is trying to fuck my DH then they are not going to be welcome popping back over for a coffee. The fact that mine isn't a dickhead means he isn't running round after others. It still really isn't ok for someone who calls themselves a mate to chance their arm and call it fair game when he rebuffs, or his fault if he flirted back. That isn't friendly.

255 replies and not a single response from OP. Not one. Can't you see you're all being played here?

If one of my friends partners ever messaged me anything like this she would know the minute I opened the message.

You are a terrible friend, why on earth wouldn't she warn her friends about you?

This is probably just a journo who can use these replies for content

YABU. The very first time he tried it on you should have sent a short message saying ‘you’re married, please don’t contact me again’. And then blocked him.

Shame on you.