is this unforgivable in a friendship?

[pam72]

I was in a close friendship with a group of other mums. over lockdown, I became close to the DH of one of my good friends. I'm a single mum - which can often be a tricky card to play...While nothing physical ever happened, we both admitted we had feelings for each other, but also agreed it would be catastrophic for so many people if anything further developed. Nothing ever did, but when he's drunk he sends me very full on messages about how life is cruel and how much he wishes we could be together. I don't fully shut them down - to do this I think I'd have to say I would tell his wife? but I don't encourage them (I'll tell him to go to bed / stop messaging) its incredibly hard to ignore and I think about him constantly. I also feel it's very unfair of him to send these messages. he seems totally able to compartmentalize and act like nothing weird has happened. but to me, it's all consuming, It honestly feels like a drug. Nothing happened, I distanced myself, from him and his wife's friendship, I moved house, I left my job. I questioned everything about myself, unable to believe the feelings I had for him didn't just trump, but floored any feelings of guilt I had for his wife. Never ever ever thought I'd be this person. Totally thought I was both stronger and way more loyal to the sisterhood.

Recently his wife has blocked me on every social platform, removed me from group chats etc and I feel (but don't know) that she is trying to get our mutual friends to distance themselves from me. If she knew the truth I totally get why this would happen, but if she knew the truth, I also don't think she'd stay with her husband, but she's still with him. I understand we can no longer be friends, I don't want to be, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband? I don't know what he told her, but it's clearly something that isn't true (I won't be in contact with him as I feel this just looks like I'm causing trouble)

NB - appreciate this is a hugely triggering post for lots of people, and I fully expect to get torrents of abuse - but I'm being truthful about a situation and a position that I don't think gets shared too much - but probably is more common that people realize.

This! That's what I thought, she's read them- he will blame you for not shutting him down and for whatever reason she's trying to save her marriage.

As someone whose partner had an affair, I have no time for the idea , that it’s the partner that is mainly to blame . It’s common decency to stay away from someone whose in a relationship.

Well, as someone whose husband and best friend actually shagged, I think you did better than my so called "friend". You shouldn't have expressed feelings for him, but at least you woke up and put a stop to it, by moving away etc.

Now that you don't live close, surely this friendship group is over for you anyway?

What did you say in your texts to him? Would you feel comfortable with her reading them, in so much as it makes it obvious that he is the pursuer and you are rejecting him? Because I think she has read them, and that's what has sparked this blocking of you.

With my husband, he tried it on with all of my friends, so be aware, that he may have been doing this too - the scatter gun approach to see who bites. If he had feelings for you, then where is he?

I left my husband, and I ditched my so called friend. I'm over it now, and happily married to a much better man, but it was very painful at the time.

I'm perplexed as to how you got close over lockdown? You just didn't follow the rules? And all this time you spent together - what were you actually doing? Did you kiss him ever?

She thought you were her friend.
I have only met one woman who went after others partners and husbands. It wasn't because she was a single mum.
Of course your 'friend' was going to ghost you, and if she has told the others I expect their views of you will be clouded.
What she does now in her marriage is up to her. None of your business.
Learn from this, have better boundaries for yourself.

Why, so he gets away with blaming the woman?

Fuck that.

Not from a single mum perspective (as I feel the mum part is irrelevant) but a lot of my friends were long term coupled up/married when I was single and it never once occurred to me to look at their partners/husbands in a romantic way. You can agree with your friend that their husband is handsome but that's like me saying I think Jensen Ackles or Luke Bryan are handsome, an observation you don't sit and create into a romantic scenario. It was never tricky.

You both allowed this, you both had loyalties to your friend and using the "single mum so it's tricky" card is only relevant when someone behaves like you both have.

Blimey OP of course you will be totally cut out from that group!

He won't because they are married and, presumably, they want to stay together (he's not beating a path to you is he).

She knows now that you and her DH have a strong attraction. Do you really think you can stay within that group when this emotional affair is out in the open?

He hasn't left so you have to. You are paying your price for your self indulgence, he will be paying his.

The friend owes nothing to the OP. Blame is irrelevant. Why would anyone with any self respect want to continue a friendship with someone who did what OP did?

Presumably she has found out because she has seen the messages and if you're being honest when you say it was all him and you were simply telling him to stop and go to bed then she will already know her husband was a big part of the problem.

Why did you go to the lengths of changing jobs and moving homes to distance yourself but not just shut it down by blocking him? Sounds like you wanted to leave the door open for him and you enjoyed every second of it.

Of course her reaction is going to be to remove you from everything and tell the rest of her/your 'friends' about your behaviour. Why would any of them want anything to do with you now?

Of course it is on him.

but the OP seems to think her friend will carry on with the friendship like she’s played no part. Her question literally is ‘is this unforgivable in a friendship’ and the answer seems to be for this friend ‘yes’.

Yeah, ageee - I don’t see how OP can infer that either she doesn’t know or that he’s come up smelling or roses; in all likelihood neither are true and she’s crushed by the betrayal of both.

You dont allow close friendship to develop with friends husbands. You just dont allow those situations to develop, even if theyre attractive. Even if you get on well.
Wtf is wrong with you. Have you never had to fend off a mans attention before?
What a cliché.

Where did my post say anything about maintaining the friendship? OP knows the friendship with this woman is over!

This is about the man not passing the blame to the woman.

I appreciate your honesty.
I have been on both sides of this.
While you probably have some guilt, good on you for making sure it didn’t evolve into more.

I think she probably does know and will defensively try to distance herself (and mutual friends) from you in a way that is quite understandable given the hurt.

Where I think your assumption is wrong is ‘if she knew she wouldn’t be with him’. Wrong. Most women will stay with a partner even after a full blown affair. The couple talk it through, women get apologies and assurances that it won’t happen again, and they decide to give him another chance. I did.

Because although it is hard, it is often easier than the prospect of breaking up your family. It is also much easier to mentally assume/convince yourself that it was all the ‘other woman’s fault’ than to face the reality that someone you thought you knew, loved and trusted could be the one to lead on something like this (and he may well have misrepresented the situation to her to minimise his role).

It will take time but you will move on, and be happier for it.

I doubt any woman will want to be friends with you if you have a history of messaging someone else’s husband on the sly. Shows your (and his!) true colours/lack of morals and values. Also massive lack of intelligence to be honest…where do you think it was heading?! Why on earth didn’t you just block him. The whole ‘soulmates’ rubbish is a story as old as time. He just wanted the excitement of a cheap shag with someone else…you could have been anyone.

You sound like deep down you are loving the attention and hope he will leave her for you. Jesus.

Married man gets bored. Starts sending signals to everyone to see who will pick up on it. Woman who does and thinks its like some Mills and Boon novel where they would be together if only the universe wasn't keeping them apart. Man gets caught somehow and blames the woman. Woman gets ostracised.

This is spot on. I honestly believe OP isn’t the only one this man has tried it on with. He was bored and restless and decided to get some attention wherever he could find it. She may well be the only woman who reciprocated as much though.

You fucked up. The only difference is that its easier for her to get rid of you, she has ties to him.

Exactly. This whole thing was sadly predictable.

I have to say this is why I’m glad most of my friendship circle consist of people (married and single) that I’ve known for most of my adult life and they are thoroughly decent people with strong morals.

Reading Mumsnet I feel a lot of these “mum groups” are friendship of convenience that are cobbled together because their kids go to the same school or whatever and the women don’t genuinely care about each other. Thats fine,as there are different kinds of friendships but the issue is when you think you’re closer to someone than you really are.

She's seen some of the messages. Either through luck as to what she's seen, or a willingness to be in denial on her part, he has managed to persuade her you are a crazy woman who chased him. Not sure why you're surprised. She has made a life and family with him, cares for him far more than she would you, and has far more to lose practically by blaming him than blaming you. Its almost always the way that the OW shoulders the blame.

Now that it’s finished it’s best to put the mess behind you and move forward.

What would you have done if the DH had said I will leave my wife for you? I do not think you are any friend at all and if I were the wife- or any of the other friends in this circle I would be blocking you.

Yes, it's unforgiveable in a friendship. You did the right thing not acting on it but she clearly does know and has - inevitably - chosen her husband over your friendship. He doubtless told her it was all you and not him. I don't think there's much you can do but block him and try and put the whole thing behind you.

You should have stopped this as soon as it started and then you wouldn't have developed feelings for him. Of course she knows, why else would she block you. Of course everyone is going to distance themselves from you, they will be afraid that their husband will be next.

She can cut you out of her life, but she may wish to forgive him and keep the family together. That is her concern, but she is doing what a lot of women would do. You have to accept that your time with this friendship group is now over.

Get some counselling and work on your self esteem and get help to make better decisions.

I am a single parent and that has nothing to do with making choices like the one you made. Friends partners/husbands are 100% off limits, you don't even think about them in that way, whether you are single or married!.

As a single mum with lots of married friends whose husbands are mainly wonderful, eligible men, YES, it's absolutely unforgivable. Even if a friend's husband was someone I'd be interested in if they were single (a couple are), I just couldn't think about them in that way.

It’s very simple; don’t mess around with someone else’s husband. There are plenty of other men out there; why become so close to a friend’s husband? You’re in control; things don’t just happen without active participation. He sounds like a complete scumbag, sending messages behind his wife’s back.

I doubt he has got off lightly; I’m sure his wife’s giving him a hard time behind the scenes. If she’s discovered the messages she’ll be reeling with shock, it could even break up their marriage. As it’s broken up your friendship.

Take some responsibility for the situation and keep away from married men.

You and him have behaved like immature selfish brats to be honest