is this unforgivable in a friendship?

[pam72]

I was in a close friendship with a group of other mums. over lockdown, I became close to the DH of one of my good friends. I'm a single mum - which can often be a tricky card to play...While nothing physical ever happened, we both admitted we had feelings for each other, but also agreed it would be catastrophic for so many people if anything further developed. Nothing ever did, but when he's drunk he sends me very full on messages about how life is cruel and how much he wishes we could be together. I don't fully shut them down - to do this I think I'd have to say I would tell his wife? but I don't encourage them (I'll tell him to go to bed / stop messaging) its incredibly hard to ignore and I think about him constantly. I also feel it's very unfair of him to send these messages. he seems totally able to compartmentalize and act like nothing weird has happened. but to me, it's all consuming, It honestly feels like a drug. Nothing happened, I distanced myself, from him and his wife's friendship, I moved house, I left my job. I questioned everything about myself, unable to believe the feelings I had for him didn't just trump, but floored any feelings of guilt I had for his wife. Never ever ever thought I'd be this person. Totally thought I was both stronger and way more loyal to the sisterhood.

Recently his wife has blocked me on every social platform, removed me from group chats etc and I feel (but don't know) that she is trying to get our mutual friends to distance themselves from me. If she knew the truth I totally get why this would happen, but if she knew the truth, I also don't think she'd stay with her husband, but she's still with him. I understand we can no longer be friends, I don't want to be, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband? I don't know what he told her, but it's clearly something that isn't true (I won't be in contact with him as I feel this just looks like I'm causing trouble)

NB - appreciate this is a hugely triggering post for lots of people, and I fully expect to get torrents of abuse - but I'm being truthful about a situation and a position that I don't think gets shared too much - but probably is more common that people realize.

You are both as bad as each other. You both admitted feelings, ok we can’t help how we feel however all contact should have stopped. He still messaged but you didn’t shut him down, if you were truly loyal to this friend you would have told him do not message me and blocked him but you didn’t you entertained him. You assume he’s come out smelling of roses, why? The wife could have found messages and as your both playing a role in the conversation your both to blame.

Wow I think she is right to have cut you off and it sounds like the damage was done in the first part of your post when you glaze over the bit about how you ended up having feelings for one another!!! Your post focuses on the wrong parts of this story.. it’s the lead up to you having feelings that is important and that is where you have behaved really really badly, as has he. If you were a good friend at that point you would have either cut him off or you would have told your friend that her partner is messaging you etc. I can see why she cannot have you in her life…

I think your best option now is to move on from all of them and not fan the flames whatever happens between them.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom Righto. So you don’t feel any loyalty to your friends? Any obligation to not shit all over them? The rubbish that OW spout about “not being the one who made promises” is bad enough but when it’s your friend? Jesus. I cannot comprehend the mental gymnastics you must go through to justify being such a throughly awful human being.

Obviously anyone with a grain of self respect would end a friendship with someone over this.

Just to temper some of the responses on here, I'd like to point out:
As her partner, his betrayal towards her is far greater than yours was. His ties to her are stronger than yours were. Your actions were more about liking him, a lot of his were about disliking her.
But as her partner she's more invested in that relationship and has more to gain by trying to make it work. Maybe she doesn't want to, you've been cut out so you don't know that.

I'd never want to see or talk to you again if I was her but I can understand why you feel you are being scapegoated

Be honest are you disappointed that she hasn't thrown him out because then you could have had him?

He doesn't care for you. Not really. Or he would be with you. There is nothing stopping that. So block him and move on. You deserve to be treated better.

His wife's actions are completely justified. You aren't just some other woman, you are her friend who broke her trust.

The wife and husband's marriage status has absolutely nothing to do with you. Whether she stays or leaves is her decision. Move on.

Your actions aren't right. It doesn't matter if it was like a drug. You were friends with that woman and betrayed her repeatedly. A good friend would shut it down and block from the very beginning. You've put yourself first with the way you chose to act and now have to suffer the consequences.

You don't know what's been said and that he's come out of it smelling of roses. Maybe she's read all the messages and knows a lot of it was driven by him. She'd still be reasonable to cut you off.

You are culpable because you enabled him - you let him message you when you should have shut that down and blocked him. You're not responsible for his actions, but you are responsible for how you responded to that. You're now reaping what you've sown.

He's obviously a lying cheating scumbag, which you seem to be oblivious to, but your own actions are far from pure in motive. A decent friend would not have allowed any of that and stopped it (by withdrawing and blocking him) but you didn't.

Like other posters , i genuinely feel that you are enjoying the drama in this situation. Block and move on .

You’re just a friend it’s easy to cut you off. He is her husband they are emotionally, financially, pragmatically linked in a way that is far harder just to block. Not to mention the happiness and financial security of her children. I bet she wishes all it would take would be to block him on a few WhatsApp groups. What you have done for a bit of a thrill has likely ruined her life.

She's blocked you on every platform because she's found your messages and he's told her it's all you . The real question is why you are not blocking him seeing that you can never speak to either of them again. Are you waiting for the next drunk text so you can send it to his wife?

No idea where you are getting that from. I've never been in this position.

The OP says that she tried to shut down her friend's husband's messages and did not encourage them. What she needed to do was block him so he couldn't keep sending them.

Clearly what has happened is that her friend has found the messages.

If the OP had shut this down at the outset, there wouldn't have been any messages to find.

But 99% of the blame here has to lie with the married man who was repeatedly initiating inappropriate conversations with his wife's friend.

Everyone on here will make out you are evil, as they consider falling in love with a married man to be worse than murder. It isn't.

(And I say this as somebody whose husband was "stolen" by another school mom - very similar situation. But I am glad he is with her not me, as why on earth would I want a man to stay with me if he loved somebody else more? It set me free to find someone who truly valued me).

I don't really see, OP, why you and the other man are doing this noble self denial thing. Doesn't his wife deserve much better than a man who texts another woman all the time saying he would rather be with her?

Who exactly are you doing a favour to? In honesty it sounds like between you you are destroying three people's chance of happiness. And the wife I feel most sorry for as she has no real say - she may well believe this man truly loves her....

If I were all of you I would not want to live a lie like this. In fact I chose not to - I left my husband when he started an affair with a school mom. And we are now all much happier!

Nobody is someone's possession, so it isn't possible to "steal" someone.

You played with fire and you got burned.

Take it as a lesson learned and leave that part of your life behind.

You said you moved, got a new job etc., so you can leave it behind.

I'd get a new phone number and never bother with these friends again.

They will never be your friend now, so save yourself the heartache and leave it all behind.

I think the OP is only guilty of being honest. When you are single you don't shut down that side of your life where you might become attracted to others in the same way that you do when you are married. But at the same time, I can see why the wife's other friends might feel they are betraying her if they see the OP.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom Totally disagree, we are all responsible our own actions and, regardless of the actions of others, I take 100% responsibility for how I treat my friends. The first time the lying scumbag showed an interest, op should have shut him down. The second time, she tells him to pack the fuck in, or she will tell her friend, his wife. It’s quite simple and it works, I assure you.

If you couldn't even bring yourself to shut him down and block his texts, why is it supposed to be so easy for his actual wife and mother of his children to do rip apart her family?

am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband?

But he's not come out smelling of roses. I doubt he's being awarded a "best husband in the world" mug with breakfast in bed. His wife is likely going through a world of hurt, betrayal, anger, and confusion right now so I doubt it's all rainbows and sunshine for them at the moment. You're not the victim in this scenario. She is.

Why are you so sure she'd leave him over this? You've downplayed the situation a lot yourself, yet you're so sure she'd leave him in a heartbeat if she knew the truth? And you're also convinced he must've told her lies for her to block you? So the "truth", by your estimation, is bad enough for her to leave him, but not bad enough for her to block you? A lot of cognitive dissonance in your post.

Honestly, you need to just move on.

You should have blocked him a long time ago and moved on (you should still block him now, even if he splits from his wife no good will come of seeing a guy you can’t trust).

She was right to block you. He’s a sleazy twat but you could have avoided all this too. Wouldn’t stop him being a sleazy twat with others, but would have stopped you from losing your friends.

I do agree that the blame for ruining a marriage mainly needs to be with the married man. But there's no evidence that isn't the case? The wife is still right to block her friend anyway. She can 100% blame her husband but still not want anything to do with her "friend" who admitted feelings etc and whilst may not have encouraged it, didn't stop it either.
If one of my friends became "close" with my husband and admitted feelings for him, I'd still blame her for betraying our friendship. I'd blame my husband for ruining our marriage. So it's possible for the wife to blame the husband but still want nothing to do with the friend.
If it was a stranger that's different. A stranger isn't my friend and hasn't betrayed me in the same way. I wouldn't need to block a stranger as they wouldn't be on my phone/ in group chats to start with.

I think he has apologised to his wife profusely, probably after she found texts to you on his phone. He'll have told her you meant nothing, maybe even he tried shifting the first moves on to you, etc etc. It's far easier for her to shift the blame onto you and remove you as a friend, than end her marriage and kick him out.

I'm not sure what being a single mother has to do with this to be honest? Anyone can try and have a go on their so called friends husband, single or not. It's just about whether you've got the morals not to I suppose? I mean being single, you have a whole army of single males to try to 'connect' with, but you've gone for someone else's husband - what's the single mother bit got to do with it?

Sounds like YOU took action and distanced yourself from him. HE didn’t and kept messaging you even though you didn’t take the bait.

So as he has now lied to his wife about you, I would post her screenshots of his messages and your responses, so she can see what scum he is.

I said, she should have blocked him.

But she has not had an affair with him. She has not tried to steal him from her friend. All she has done is not been firm enough in shutting down the inappropriate contact from him. No doubt because she was flattered, or she felt lonely, or because it's been a while since she had these kinds of feelings for someone. No, it's not great, but she is not the "other woman". She clearly could have been, if she had properly encouraged this man. But she didn't, because she knew it was wrong.

He's the married one, he's the one who is 100% in the wrong here.

In a way, the OP would have done her friend a bigger favour by having a full blown affair with him, because what's probably happening is that her friend has found the messages and gone ballistic, but doesn't feel able to walk away from her marriage over a few messages, so she's staying with her husband but the trust has gone now.

There is no evidence he's lied though? The wife could have found all the messages. Because if she hasn't, what reason would he have for randomly telling his wife if the OP had moved away etc now. The most likely thing is she's found the messages and has read them herself. All that's happened is the OP has been blocked. Maybe the wife has thrown him out. Maybe she knows everything but they have decided to stay together as it was "only" messages. The OP "thinks" the wife would throw him out if she knew. But that's only what she thinks. Really she has no idea about their marriage. Maybe he's got another other woman as well as the OP he messages. There's no evidence of anything other than the OP is blocked.