is this unforgivable in a friendship?

[pam72]

I was in a close friendship with a group of other mums. over lockdown, I became close to the DH of one of my good friends. I'm a single mum - which can often be a tricky card to play...While nothing physical ever happened, we both admitted we had feelings for each other, but also agreed it would be catastrophic for so many people if anything further developed. Nothing ever did, but when he's drunk he sends me very full on messages about how life is cruel and how much he wishes we could be together. I don't fully shut them down - to do this I think I'd have to say I would tell his wife? but I don't encourage them (I'll tell him to go to bed / stop messaging) its incredibly hard to ignore and I think about him constantly. I also feel it's very unfair of him to send these messages. he seems totally able to compartmentalize and act like nothing weird has happened. but to me, it's all consuming, It honestly feels like a drug. Nothing happened, I distanced myself, from him and his wife's friendship, I moved house, I left my job. I questioned everything about myself, unable to believe the feelings I had for him didn't just trump, but floored any feelings of guilt I had for his wife. Never ever ever thought I'd be this person. Totally thought I was both stronger and way more loyal to the sisterhood.

Recently his wife has blocked me on every social platform, removed me from group chats etc and I feel (but don't know) that she is trying to get our mutual friends to distance themselves from me. If she knew the truth I totally get why this would happen, but if she knew the truth, I also don't think she'd stay with her husband, but she's still with him. I understand we can no longer be friends, I don't want to be, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband? I don't know what he told her, but it's clearly something that isn't true (I won't be in contact with him as I feel this just looks like I'm causing trouble)

NB - appreciate this is a hugely triggering post for lots of people, and I fully expect to get torrents of abuse - but I'm being truthful about a situation and a position that I don't think gets shared too much - but probably is more common that people realize.

YABU. It would have been simple to block him, yet you never did.
Yes, he is the main one at fault. But you are not 100% blameless.

So it always goes. You stepped over a line, he danced over it and continued. You were always going to take the fall.

Your friend is a fool, her husband is a twat. What are you? Don't engage with married men on any level except professional because you will always come off worst.

Contrary to what posters always say that 'he wants his wife'. No. No he doesn't. Men who want their wives don't cheat. You may have triggered many cheated-on wives here but they also have the choice to back out of the thread rather than read it and cause themselves pain.

Put this behind you, take your conscience pangs and feelings of 'not fair' and resolve not to let this happen again.

I'm not going to knock you while you are already down but while I get it that nothing physical happened, you clearly had an emotional affair with him. If you got to the point where you admitted feelings, a lot of chats must have happened before. Be honest with yourself , were you texting brfore you decided to not encourage his latest messages. Is it possible his wife found these?

As for the blame thing. You described her as a good friend. Imagine finding out your good friend and husband told each other there was feelings between them.

And I suppose finally - your friend group, I would expect her friends to support her, not you I'm afraid.

Surprise fucking surprise - no replies from the OP.

On the slim chance you’re actually reading these replies - you need to develop some autonomy and take a massive bite of a reality sandwich. You could have blocked him at any time. He hasn’t forced you into anything, whether he “1000000%” drove the messaging or not - and given that you replied (even if just to tell him to stop) and never cut off the lines of communication, you were certainly never discouraging him, even if you didn’t lay it on a plate.

And of course his wife isn’t treating you as both equally to blame. Why would she? It’s not like she’s reading the thread on her and making an assessment. It’s her fucking marriage! Maybe she would be better off without him, but that’s not for you to decide. Ditching a random woman from a WhatsApp group is a damn sight easier than ditching your husband, whether he’s a sleazebag or not. You weren’t a good enough friend to tell her husband to fuck off and block him after the first message, so why on earth would she consider you a good enough friend to say “Fair enough, we all make mistakes, there’s blame on both sides”?

Grow up a little bit and move on.

To answer your question « is this unforgivable in a friendship? »

Its absolutely unforgivable.

Move on. Don't contact her or him.

Why would she return to a thread where so many place the blame at her feet and none at the man's? Her OP was never about justifying what she did, it was about why she is ostracised but the man will likely remain part of the group.

IIt is easier to blame OW than admit husband at fault.

Absolutely spot on. I hate this ‘poor ickle me I’m so silly lol’ type posts where the OP plays with fire, gets burnt and tries to play the naive innocent victim.

Shit on your own doorstep and there’s consequences. Of course he’s a sleazy dirtbag but he couldn’t play these games without a willing playmate and the OP was happy to betray her friend for a cheap thrill. I hope it was worth it love - and as for the single mum card - oh fuck off with the excuses. 99% of women know to to flirt with and encourage their friends husbands to flatter their ego. Being a single mum is fuck all reason for having an EA with your friends partner. And now you’re ostracised - boo hoo cry me a river. You should have shut him down the very first message - but hey I’m sure the attention was worth it!

Find new friends and this time leave their husbands alone.

It’s pretty close to justifying it when the OP is confused about whether it’s unforgivable in a friendship and most posters have told her that it is. The man isn’t in the friendship group, his marital status is irrelevant.
Is it shitty and untrustworthy all around? Yea. Is an emotional affair between a friend and your spouse the end of the friendship? Yes, for most clearly it is.
Is an emotional affair the end of a marriage? That’s not the same for every marriage.

Well, you're a shit friend so she's right to block you. What she chooses to do about her marriage is none of your business really. Yes, he is a shit husband too, but realistically, it's going to be a whole lot easier for her to walk away from a shit friend than it is to walk away from the father of her children who she is probably financially and legally tied to. What she does about her marriage is her choice.

Be a better friend in future, otherwise you're going to end up very lonely.

Not one single post is saying the man isn’t to blame but it’s her playing the innocent victim that most PP’s are finding disingenuous.

He's an absolute sleaze bag - pretty much every post says so but the OP seems to think she’s the wronged one rather than having any empathy for his wife

You misunderstand. The OP said:

he sends me very full on messages... I don't fully shut them down - to do this I think I'd have to say I would tell his wife?

I was disagreeing.

Realistically she’s seen the messages anyway, surely? It’s highly unlikely Sleazeball McGee sat her down and told her he had feelings for her mate off his own back isn’t it.

The only person who isn't to blame here is your friend. She must feel totally betrayed and humiliated that her husband has cheated emotionally with you, and that you clearly didn't put a stop to it right at the beginning. I'm not surprised that she has blocked you, and other members of your friendship group are distancing themselves from someone who has shown themselves as someone who can't be trusted to have an appropriate relationship with another woman's husband/partner.

And not one of OP's posts shows she's playing innocent, she knows she fucked up. She says she totally gets why she's defriended but thinks the man has lied to his wife and is angry that he has got away with it whilst she's been ostracised.

Hi Op

I recognise your position.

You are not innocent, even if you are being passive and not ‘driving’. The chemistry was there, you have strong feelings for him and don’t fully shut down his advances/exit yourself from the situation.

I highly doubt he’s ‘smelling of roses’ either, You were both out of order, and you have feelings for him even if you’re being passive.

If she knows, his wife is possibly (maybe misguidedly, considering her partner’s behaviour) trying to salvage their marriage and to do that needs to cut you out - she has absolutely no obligation to treat you with any kind of kindness (?!), especially since you betrayed her trust as a friend.
They are not your business anymore.

He could have deleted his incriminating messages and made OP out to be the instigator.

His wife is totally right to end the friendship, but she should also see what a scumbag her husband is.

Sure, but she’s no idea. Absolutely none. She’s just thinking he must have lied for her to stay with him. And we all know that’s far from the truth.

He hasn't come out smelling of roses. She has decided to try and move past it for the sake of the baby and the relationship will never be the same. They will probably break up in 5-10 years time when she realises she could never get past it.

She doesn't have a baby with you so why would she taken pity on a woman that got too close to her husband, caused untold damage by not walking away as soon as you realised the feelings were there on either side and actually fed into your joint fantasy of being together.

It's not romantic. It's stupid. And id be surprised if you have any mutual friends left after this. Hard lesson to learn.

To answer the original question though I doubt OP will be back, yes it is unforgivable in a friendship. You are a pretty terrible friend and your mutual friends will appreciate the heads up. Their relationship and how she deals with his betrayal are none of your business though it's funny thats what you're concerned about.

Possibly, it is indeed a classic cheaters trick!
If the op is being honest, this would apparently leave only messages simply telling him to go to bed… but I’m sceptical of that.
Even if he left only the messages from the op saying she had feelings (if she was thick enough to put that in messages!) then the wife will know, even if she doesn’t want to believe it, that he’s bullshitting saying it was entirely one sided.
Personally I’d not start messaging the wife, attempting to cover my arse. If she’s opted to believe flimsy lies from the bellend of a husband, she’ll opt to disregard the op and anything she says.

This, sorry. Most women would have shut this down at the first sniff, not encouraged it in any diluted way. I'm no supermodel but the number of sleazy blokes I've cut off without a second thought over my single years. You should have done the same. Instead you were enjoying the attention. What kind of attention comes from a married, probably drunk bloke? Nothing worth very much. Now you've lost good friends because you can't be trusted.

Obviously he can't either, but why do you think you deserve the benefit of the doubt here?

People often choose their friends carefully and you've made a bad decision in entertaining a married man. Who'd have thought that may reflect badly?

She has probably decided that the texts haven't reached the line needed to pack it all in for a marriage, but they certainly have reached the line for a friendship hence you're out and he's not.

And yes, others will decide to give you the boot after messing about with a married bloke in the circle.

Did you honestly not realise this? Friendships are based on trust and values just as much as marriages are. See this as a big learning curve rather than thinking 'it's not fair'. You knew you were out of line ages ago and carried on.

Not certain what you're hoping to get from this, really. In answer to the question in the subject line, yes, it is unforgivable in a friendship.

He's to blame, too, of course, but you can't control how people will react. You can't even predict it. You're assuming she can't know the full truth because she hasn't left him (yet). It's almost guaranteed that he's minimised his bad behaviour to his wife and tried to put the blame on you, but even if she'd witnessed the whole thing from start to finish, many wives stay with emotional or physical cheaters or give them a second chance in a bid to keep the family together.

She may be telling your mutual friends what she knows or believes, and it may not be 100% accurate. There's not much you can do about that. You can either get on with your life (make new friends) or fess up to your mutual friends, present your side of the story, and hope some of them are sympathetic. I wouldn't count on many of them choosing you over her, though. Now you know: Don't get emotionally involved with husbands of friends, or husbands in general!

You were having an emotional affair with him.

It’s not “fair” that he’s not being judged as much as you but you could have blocked him and make it easier not to reply to his drunken ramblings and not do things like confess feelings.

You are in the wrong and deserve the judgement.