is this unforgivable in a friendship?

[pam72]

I was in a close friendship with a group of other mums. over lockdown, I became close to the DH of one of my good friends. I'm a single mum - which can often be a tricky card to play...While nothing physical ever happened, we both admitted we had feelings for each other, but also agreed it would be catastrophic for so many people if anything further developed. Nothing ever did, but when he's drunk he sends me very full on messages about how life is cruel and how much he wishes we could be together. I don't fully shut them down - to do this I think I'd have to say I would tell his wife? but I don't encourage them (I'll tell him to go to bed / stop messaging) its incredibly hard to ignore and I think about him constantly. I also feel it's very unfair of him to send these messages. he seems totally able to compartmentalize and act like nothing weird has happened. but to me, it's all consuming, It honestly feels like a drug. Nothing happened, I distanced myself, from him and his wife's friendship, I moved house, I left my job. I questioned everything about myself, unable to believe the feelings I had for him didn't just trump, but floored any feelings of guilt I had for his wife. Never ever ever thought I'd be this person. Totally thought I was both stronger and way more loyal to the sisterhood.

Recently his wife has blocked me on every social platform, removed me from group chats etc and I feel (but don't know) that she is trying to get our mutual friends to distance themselves from me. If she knew the truth I totally get why this would happen, but if she knew the truth, I also don't think she'd stay with her husband, but she's still with him. I understand we can no longer be friends, I don't want to be, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband? I don't know what he told her, but it's clearly something that isn't true (I won't be in contact with him as I feel this just looks like I'm causing trouble)

NB - appreciate this is a hugely triggering post for lots of people, and I fully expect to get torrents of abuse - but I'm being truthful about a situation and a position that I don't think gets shared too much - but probably is more common that people realize.

She's well within her rights to block you and she is also going to try and get through it with her husband if nothing physical has happened and they have kids together.
Sounds like you want her to leave him so that'll leave it wide open for you to swoop in.
We all know he has played his part down and blamed you for everything so who can blame the poor woman.
I'm a single mum. I wouldn't dream of telling any of my friends husbands that I had feelings for them.

I’m probably way older than you but have been divorced for 18 years so I’ve since been the single friend. I love my friends. Their partners will forever be off limits. I couldn’t do anything to jeopardise their relationships, no matter what might feelings might be. That would be the ultimate betrayal to those whose friendship's mean so much to me.

Totally agree. Im part of a big friendship group male, female, single, married, attached and it would never cross my mind to flirt with or exchange personal messages with any of the attached men. Its such a horrible betrayal of trust.

It shocks me to see how many women on here say that their married male friends have come on to them. In all the years I’ve been single, none of my friend’s husbands has ever done anything sleazy and that goes for the other single ladies in our group - and yes we’ve discussed the subject.

Just because she's stayed with him doesn't mean he's come up smelling of roses as you say. He might be sleeping on the sofa. They might be in marriage counselling. You have no idea the conversations they've had and no right to know either.

If he was single and available you probably wouldn't want him as much. If he left her for you, you too would then have to worry about him cheating.

It's a shame you might have lost your friendship group but I wouldn't try and explain any of this to the other mums in case you humilate this poor woman even more. Best thing to do now is distance yourself. I hope you have other friends.

Forming a close friendship with someone else’s husband is always going to ruffle feathers, especially when you don’t have your own husband 🙄

She knows and painting you as the scarlet woman is what makes it easy for her to stay with him, by blaming you not him. You should have blocked all communication with him from the get go!

Your getting your dish served by karma. 😆

His relationship with his wife, and hers with him, is absolutely none of your business.

And I have news for you. You ARE one of ‘those’ women.

Sort yourself out, grow up, and make some new friends who you are able to be loyal to and understand boundaries.

Once youv got someone's
Phone number,it's tantamount to potential disaster in so many ways.remove his phone number,and put all your energy into your child or children.someone else who is unattached will come into your life.A fresh start.

Wow. You should have blocked him the very first time there was overtones, nevermind admitting feelings. Poor poor move op.

Why are we all blaming this woman??? (Op) Firstly she isn't the married one, and yes whilst she admitted she had feelings for him, she stepped away, she stopped replying to messages and kept away from him all to do the right thing. Sometimes we get in to situations and she did the right thing when it came to it. She didn't go any further than having feelings. She could of had a full affair with him, but she hasnt, and she isn't the married one here, he is!

Anyways... Do you know that she definitely knows, or are you just assuming she knows? Is there anyone in the friends group you could speak to, to see if she's said anything... obviously don't mention what's happened but see if any rumours are going around.

If he has told her then what would he gain from that? The only thing I could think of is, she's seen his messages and she's taking it out on you for her husband messaging and maybe she's mad you've not told her or that he's said those things to you in the first place. Who even knows how far back his messages go. It's very odd that if she does know she's not pulled you about it. I woukd of contacted you straight away if I was her to find out everything.

If she does know and he's aware, you'll no doubt receive no more messages, but might be best to bloack him anyways from now on. It will be good from your end as you can just move on, it will have been hard to land you in it and blame you, if you've not responded in any kind of way to his messages and it's all one sided. But she could just be mad he likes you. It's all just speculation at this point.

I would just play it by ear. The worst that happens is she does know, she's blaming you and you can then just tell your side of the story, if theyve all blocked you anyways then youve nothing to lose. she can then do with that information then as she wishes...

If I was her, I would want the full story and would be asking you what happened, she may do that Still. If he's unhappy it'll only be a matter of time before he does something else with someone else, unless they sort their relationship, the only thing that will change is the person he has an affair with and when. That's if he hasn't already with someone else. She's blaming the wrong person. He's the married one and yes you were friends, but once you realised you had feelings you stepped away from it and did the right thing. That shows you're a good person and didn't want to cause harm to her. Some women would have just done it regardless.

Don't give your self a hard time. Reach out to the other ladies if you still want a friendship with those. There's 3 sides to a story and she hasn't even got a half a side x

How do you know he's come out smelling of roses? Shes committed to her marriage, she isn't committed to a friendship, as its easier to cut you out than him.

“Thought I was stronger and way more loyal to the sisterhood”

well you aren’t and I would be blocking you too. I’m sorry but there is loads more you could have done but you obviously didn’t because of the attention.. do you really not see it?

Recently his wife has blocked me on every social platform, removed me from group chats etc and I feel (but don't know) that she is trying to get our mutual friends to distance themselves from me. If she knew the truth I totally get why this would happen, but if she knew the truth, I also don't think she'd stay with her husband, but she's still with him. I understand we can no longer be friends, I don't want to be, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband? I don't know what he told her, but it's clearly something that isn't true (I won't be in contact with him as I feel this just looks like I'm causing trouble)

@pam72, this is entirely presumptive though isn't it? You actually don't know what went down between them, what was said, what was disclosed, if she discovered all the communication or if they're in marriage counselling or any number of different scenarios.

I think all you need to know is that she knows, and quite rightly, wants to sever contact with you. She may be trying to salvage her marriage (goodness knows why) or she may be getting her ducks in a row to start divorce proceedings.

I think you've been completely out of order by not shutting this down right away but I think this has been covered multiple times in the thread already. I find your reaction interesting insofar as you don't really demonstrate any remorse or express meaningful feelings of liability and that you were merely an innocent recipient to his advances. You know this isn't the case but seem reluctant to really go there in your post.

Maybe this is something to examine for your own sake going forward. Try and dig a little deeper on what you are really feeling about the situation. Are the feelings of anger really disappointment that this is definitely not going to go anywhere? Anger that his wife gets to keep all her friendships as well as the man you have/had feelings for?

And in answer to your question, you are being extremely unreasonable given that the whole issue is conjecture on what has happened between this woman and her husband (who sounds like an absolute prick).

She's obviously read his messages@

She obviously read his messages.

Yes, it’s unforgivable. But you knew that.
As for him getting off Scott free, I doubt it’s smooth sailing for him at home right now, but maybe they’re trying to work through this. In order to do this both of them will need to distance themselves from you/block you.
I can’t believe you have the audacity to complain about that!
And yes, she’s probably told mutual friends to watch their husbands around you! I think that’s reasonable in the circumstances.

You played with fire and got burnt. Hope you learn from this because all this boo hoo poor me really doesn't wash.

I think you are romanticising the situation because even if you got together with him, he will cheat on you as well. Best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

In your head it's different with you but it really isn't - he's just a sleaze.

Why are we all blaming this woman??? (Op) Firstly she isn't the married one, and yes whilst she admitted she had feelings for him, she stepped away, she stopped replying to messages and kept away from him all to do the right thing.

I don’t think anyone is blaming her for his behaviour, or letting him off the hook. He’s undoubtedly a sleaze. But OP IS in control of her OWN actions. She could have discouraged him from day one, blocked his number and mentally filed him under C for “Cheating Arsehole”. But she didn’t. She enjoyed the power of keeping him dangling.

We all could and should judge the man’s behaviour more harshly. But he isn’t here asking for advice. OP was (at least for one post). So people have commented based on what she should do.

Op is a shit friend, that’s why she’s being judged

single mum is NOT a tricky card to play.

sheer fact you think so mde the rest not surprising. s a individual person,regrdless of circumstnces at any given moment-you decide your own moral code.
crossing a line within even vague friendship groups and engaging in,entertaining somebody elses partner is crossing a line. thats not news.
block him.should from get go.do it now.
flttery.ttention,attraction is clerly something you need\wnt in life and thats ok. realisticlly-cheaters cheat-whatchu wnt one of them for?there re literaally millions of men out there. step over it.
"if she knew the truth...i dont think she'd stay"
so from what you said re-blockt\scarlet woman shes defo got some sorta clue.
and your what?bitter?angry?surprised? dont be dangerzone.
hes played his hand.burn all cards n dont go down that road again.

Horrible, the pair of you!

Gross behaviour. You deserve everything you get. You never really shut it down did you?

Just wow. You were never her friend, she though you were but no fiend does what you are doing. You keep saying nothing happened are you really that dishonest, you told each other you had ‘feelings’ how pathetic, your not hormone ravaged teenagers, something did happen. You ‘got close’ emotionally. Thats cheating, i bet your text were not innocent chat, you should think your self lucky all shes done is block you, i hope she has told everyone and none of your friends want you around anymore, grow up and take responsibility for what you have done, you want to hurt another woman more to make yourself feel better , seriously !