is this unforgivable in a friendship?

[pam72]

I was in a close friendship with a group of other mums. over lockdown, I became close to the DH of one of my good friends. I'm a single mum - which can often be a tricky card to play...While nothing physical ever happened, we both admitted we had feelings for each other, but also agreed it would be catastrophic for so many people if anything further developed. Nothing ever did, but when he's drunk he sends me very full on messages about how life is cruel and how much he wishes we could be together. I don't fully shut them down - to do this I think I'd have to say I would tell his wife? but I don't encourage them (I'll tell him to go to bed / stop messaging) its incredibly hard to ignore and I think about him constantly. I also feel it's very unfair of him to send these messages. he seems totally able to compartmentalize and act like nothing weird has happened. but to me, it's all consuming, It honestly feels like a drug. Nothing happened, I distanced myself, from him and his wife's friendship, I moved house, I left my job. I questioned everything about myself, unable to believe the feelings I had for him didn't just trump, but floored any feelings of guilt I had for his wife. Never ever ever thought I'd be this person. Totally thought I was both stronger and way more loyal to the sisterhood.

Recently his wife has blocked me on every social platform, removed me from group chats etc and I feel (but don't know) that she is trying to get our mutual friends to distance themselves from me. If she knew the truth I totally get why this would happen, but if she knew the truth, I also don't think she'd stay with her husband, but she's still with him. I understand we can no longer be friends, I don't want to be, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband? I don't know what he told her, but it's clearly something that isn't true (I won't be in contact with him as I feel this just looks like I'm causing trouble)

NB - appreciate this is a hugely triggering post for lots of people, and I fully expect to get torrents of abuse - but I'm being truthful about a situation and a position that I don't think gets shared too much - but probably is more common that people realize.

you did tell him you "had feelings" for him ......?

I am a single mum, I never found it "a tricky card to play"

Maybe she's going to leave him

Have you had a long hard look at yourself and asked why you would even entertain this with your friend's husband?

Is this unforgivable in a friendship?

Absolutely yes, it is.

You could have shut up him down without telling her. You could have blocked him. You chose not to.

She Knows. He’s a manipulative bastard. Block him.

Well she wants to make her marriage work so she is ending any sort of a relationship with you and protecting herself. Completely inevitable. Is her husband also a dickhead, of course. All totally standard if you form a relationship with a friends husband 🤷‍♀️

I'd be blocking you too. The only thing stopping you from taking it to the next level was your so called friend has got in the way. If she was any friend you wouldn't have even developed these feelings for her husband.

You didn't distance yourself, you let him carry on messaging you. That's not distancing.

I have a tip for you. You sound extremely native. As a single mother you will find some of your friends are married to grabby sleazebags who will make advances to you and 'share' their feelings with you because you're so 'special' and 'understand' him. You are 'special' to these scummers because you are single, you have a child, you must of course be desperate for a man. It is unforgivable to encourage men who are predatory in this way and it's worse to betray your unfortunate friend who has put her trust in you and in him. You won't be the only one.

There are millions of men out there, single and available. Please stop enjoying the attention of your friends dh and block him. Do the right thing and move on. Her rat of a chap will become your rat of a chap if you let him and then you'll be on here whinging you can't trust him! Leave them both in peace and stop behaving like a silly schoolgirl grateful for his (pissed and horny) attention.

Wow, seriously? Of course she is going to block you and her friends will turn against you. You are now THAT single mum who can't be trusted around their husbands.

You should have blocked him as soon as you realised you had developed feelings.

Actually, you should never have become so close in the first place. He was the husband of one of the friendship group. You should have kept all the husbands at a friendly distance.

... but I'm being truthful about a situation and a position that I don't think gets shared too much - but probably is more common that people realize.

Love that you think you're doing some kind of public service.

Most adult women know this happens all the time. You'd just have to be very naive and very self-indulgent to fall for it,

I was a single mum for 5 years, because my ex cheated , all my friends partners were completely off limits .

I’d block you too, you are not innocent in all this. Why didn’t you block him ?

I’d tell her if you’re the one getting all the blame in a friendship group. As it’s clear he’s not going to suddenly leave his wife for you, and it’s not fair to you he’s messaging now and then, preventing you from moving on. I’d make it known to the mutual friends what happened and make it clear it was him who made the first move and you never acted on feelings. We can’t help who we fall for, but we can stop those feelings so they don’t hurt others, and that’s what you’ve done. Carry on with your life and forget this guy

is this unforgivable in a friendship?
I'm a bit confused. You can't have thought it's ok to come on to someone's husband and have them want to be your mate still. So what does this title mean? Of course it's unreasonable to keep getting (drunk?) messages declaring feelings for you and not shut him down.

You've supposedly moved away, so just block his number and get on with your own life. How they choose to work on their relationship is not your business.

Look at it this way: if she knows the actual truth, or even just his version of it, she will want absolutely nothing to do with you - regardless of who is more culpable (you, the husband, or both).

She is unlikely to end her marriage over what you say is just some messages. But what she would be likely to do is instruct him to cut you out of his life, and of course she’ll want to do the same.

You say he must have told her something untrue… why? What has really happened is more than enough justification for her actions.

Unfortunately you played with fire when you entertained the possibility of feelings with someone else’s husband. You were always going to end up getting burned.

You can’t honestly think you can still be friends with her?

You act as though you aren't doing anything wrong. Come on now, at least be honest with yourself. You could have easily blocked him, but you didn't, because you love the attention and the drama.

There are some harsh answers here.
Yes, you shouldn't have admitted how you felt. Yes, you should have blocked him.
But you didn't act on your feelings and that's the really important thing here. Now he's the one sending the messages and somehow you're being treated as the one to blame.
Personally I'd go to the wife and tell her unequivocally that nothing happened. That might make her feel a teeny weeny bit better as she's probably feeling pretty tortured right now.
I'd then block him forever. He's a lying manipulative bastard.

This puts it well.

you are enjoying the drama and I suspect half hoping he’s going to turn up on your doorstep.

playit through in your head…he turns up you end up with blended family, guilt, traumatised kids and in 5 years. Time he’s doing the same to you. You don’t get her life you get half a life.

you should have shut him down. Grow up and find some new friends.

YABU

In answer to your AIBU question, no you aren't. It seems that you've been laid with 100% of the blame for her marriage (potentially) falling apart when he (if what you say is true) is at least 50% of the problem.

You need to shoulder some of the blame even if you didn't feel you encouraged him (but you have encouraged him because you told him you had feelings for him and you never blocked him).

Usually on MN, PPs comment to a woman who's facing marriage problems because their DH has a wandering eye is...'the OW never made vows to you OP, he is the problem, not her'.

So, in that respect I do see why you feel you've been unfairly treated.

But in answer to the title of your OP, yeah YABU! It's never acceptable behaviour to encourage a friends husband! I'm not surprised she's blocked you; you've hardly been a friend to her.

Well yes, of course it is unforgivable. And you know that. For me, the partners/husbands of friends are immediately placed in “brother” territory in my head, as in, I would never, ever go there, or even think about it. Same for my husbands friends.
If any of them are ever inappropriate (and yes, it happens. Some men are just fucking sleezy) they are shut down, brutally if necessary, because I do not find it flattering or an ego boost for them to assume I’m the kind of morally bankrupt person who would betray a friend. Or an acquaintance. Or anyone.

Grow a spine and learn how to be a better friend and to protect yourself from this shit, because like you say, it’s not uncommon. But they are always, always just out for a shag. Do you want to sacrifice your friendships to be some saddos ego boost?

The wife will be reeling from all this, because she trusted both of you. It says a lot about you that your only thought for her is why she hasn’t left him? She might yet but for now, her world has imploded and you took part in that. Revolting behaviour, from both of you.

You're getting a hard time on here OP.

You should have blocked your friend's husband so he couldn't contact you.

But he's the married one, this is on him.

Because she is loving the attention.