is this unforgivable in a friendship?

[pam72]

I was in a close friendship with a group of other mums. over lockdown, I became close to the DH of one of my good friends. I'm a single mum - which can often be a tricky card to play...While nothing physical ever happened, we both admitted we had feelings for each other, but also agreed it would be catastrophic for so many people if anything further developed. Nothing ever did, but when he's drunk he sends me very full on messages about how life is cruel and how much he wishes we could be together. I don't fully shut them down - to do this I think I'd have to say I would tell his wife? but I don't encourage them (I'll tell him to go to bed / stop messaging) its incredibly hard to ignore and I think about him constantly. I also feel it's very unfair of him to send these messages. he seems totally able to compartmentalize and act like nothing weird has happened. but to me, it's all consuming, It honestly feels like a drug. Nothing happened, I distanced myself, from him and his wife's friendship, I moved house, I left my job. I questioned everything about myself, unable to believe the feelings I had for him didn't just trump, but floored any feelings of guilt I had for his wife. Never ever ever thought I'd be this person. Totally thought I was both stronger and way more loyal to the sisterhood.

Recently his wife has blocked me on every social platform, removed me from group chats etc and I feel (but don't know) that she is trying to get our mutual friends to distance themselves from me. If she knew the truth I totally get why this would happen, but if she knew the truth, I also don't think she'd stay with her husband, but she's still with him. I understand we can no longer be friends, I don't want to be, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband? I don't know what he told her, but it's clearly something that isn't true (I won't be in contact with him as I feel this just looks like I'm causing trouble)

NB - appreciate this is a hugely triggering post for lots of people, and I fully expect to get torrents of abuse - but I'm being truthful about a situation and a position that I don't think gets shared too much - but probably is more common that people realize.

Yes, these things don't just 'happen'. There are baby steps involving poor choices and actions, starting with a nod or a smile at the school gate, leading to a conversation, leading to longer, more frequent conversations, swapping phone numbers etc etc.
This is what happened with my dp; he initiated the contact, but she didn't shut him down.

If she knew the truth

She knows the truth!

It does feel unfair that he stays married and their social life seemingly continues. Whilst you as the ‘single’ one, end up ostracised and cut off from friends. But this was never going to end well. Stop flattering his ego and block him.

And whilst he is married and responsible for his actions, I do think your behaviour is what makes some people avoid ‘predatory’ single women as they think they are after their husbands. I don’t feel this way but I know that some married women are wary of single women. I have always considered this unfair and ridiculous but your actions really don’t help dispel that stereotype.

@CeruleanDive

You could have shut up him down without telling her

She didn't tell her and she did all she could to distance herself.

I would have never said I had feelings for him, because that was giving him the green light. You should have rejected him straight away. The inappropriate messages he sent, you should have screen shotted them before blocking him everywhere. You encouraged it because you enjoyed the attention. Your ex friend probably saw all of the messages, and was shocked at how long you've both been messaging inappropriately. You were not a good friend here at all. They'll probably work through it and stay together. The rest of the friends hqve probably seen the messages, and probably don't trust you very much now. Be a better friend next time.

If she's blocked you on all social media platforms and removed you from group chats then she knows something.

If you've gone as far as moving house and jobs to get away from this, why are you even responding to his messages? Why not just block him?

It’s his responsibility as he’s the one thats married. But she doesn’t have to your friend given that you participated willingly.

am I being unreasonable to feel angry that the husband, who 1000000% drove every single interaction, is coming out smelling of roses, while I'm the scarlet women who tries to steal my friends' husband?

But you've no idea if he is coming out smelling of roses. Even if she divorced him she'd probably still want nothing to do with you. She may be fully aware of the truth, but has decided to stay with him - people stay after their partner has full on physical affairs, so it's not unbelievable.

It sounds like you think there's been some lie told about you, and that people would view you differently if they knew the truth, but I'm not sure that's the case.

To be honest, I find it a bit off that you seem more concerned about how you come out of the situation, rather than how the woman who you say is your friend is feeling.

Indeed.

You allowed yourself to get that close. You admitted feelings. You then didn't block him.

Of course she's distanced herself, you were having an emotional affair with her husband.

I don’t get some of your points OP. How is being a single mum ‘ a tricky card to play?’ And why would shutting him down have to involve telling his wife?

Sounds like you loved the drama and attention a bit too much and you honestly can’t think that flirting with your friends partner and telling him you have feelings for him is normal and acceptable?

This man didn’t have feelings for you. He’s a stereotypical grubby chancer who probably tries the same shit with any woman he sees as desperate. He’s a textbook sleazy creep getting his jollies by a bit of extra marital flirting. But you fell for his bollocks and betrayed your friend so it’s a bit disingenuous to now play the innocent.

Yes this is on him but you played your part. You shit on your own doorstep and now you’re suffering the consequences. Of course it’s easier to shut you off than leave her husband and in her shoes I’d be telling mutual friends you can’t be trusted too. Why would the other women want a friend like you?

Yes the men do get away with it and the woman gets the crap but if you hadn’t put yourself in this position, then there wouldn’t be any blame on you. Actions have consequences so stop playing the victim and stay away from married men. It’s really not difficult

It’s only a tricky card to play when you start flirting with your friends husbands.

and it’s her prerogative to stay in her marriage and try to make it work. Nothing happened as such, but if you can’t see why she’s kicking you into the long grass and why the rest will do the same there is no point explaining it to uou

Weren’t you absolutely disgusted when your friend’s dh declared he had feelings for you? Didn’t it give you the ick? I have to say that’s how I reacted when a close friend’s partner came onto me. What do you think is missing in you that this wasn’t your reaction?

I agree with this post.

OP it just sounds like their relationship has serious problems and you’ve allowed yourself to be drawn into it. If it wasn’t you, it’s be someone else. Her DH is a cheat. It sounds like you did all the right things once you realised it had gone too far. I think your friend is wrong to punish you. It’s her DH who is the problem.

I’m also a single parent also and this thread makes me glad I’m single and not desperately trying to hang on to a crappy DH! Trust me, there are many more like him out there.

You told a married man - someone married to your friend no less, that you had feelings for him. You did not delete and block - you replied. Sure he’s the real bad one in this but you played your part. I’d do what your friend did. You are the other woman.

You fucked about and found out, even if there was no physical sex involved. You learned about the incredibly unpleasant aspects of yourself, time to work on them and stop obsessing over someone else’s husband - which is all your post is about really. You’re mad he’s not suddenly single. It’s gross.

Please don’t.

Just leave her alone.

Did you reply to him at all? "Becoming close" to someone and developing "feelings" then telling them is dire.

After the first inappropriate message you should have shut him down very clearly. It seems you tried to keep being friends?

That was always going to get you dumped by friends. It's not about sisterhood. It's about being a decent human being.

Tou are in it to win it with this man now. If you don't mind being the homewrecker it looks like he could be single too soon. Good luck making that messy family situation work.

Yes, this sums it up. You seem more upset that he hasn't been thrown out on his ear than concerned about your so called friend and what horrible betrayal and upset she is going through which I find completely lacking in any human empathy.

This isnt a competition - noone is going to end up "the winner" here, and maybe you need to consider that he has been lying to you all along - perhaps he does want to stay with his wife and has just said that to you in the hopes of getting an easy shag. Why on earth you'd believe a man who could betray his wife so easily and carelessly is beyond me. He has literally shown you who he is which is completely untrustworthy and yet you believe all his pathetic lies- why?

You don't know that she's blaming you. And she's not punishing you, she's just realised that your friendship was one sided. Now that she's aware you're not actually a friend she's blocking you. It's completely possible she's blaming her husband 100% but it's a lot harder to dissolve that relationship. She has more skin in the game there.

But something did happen. They started an emotional affair. Which for a lot of people (myself included) is as much of a betrayal as a physical one.

It may absolve OP of some guilt to tell her friend that nothing physical happened, but don't presume to think that it will in any way soften the blow for her friend.

I'm sorry, but the time to block his number was right after the first "very full on message".

Instead of shutting it down immediately, you encouraged this and allowed it to go on for way longer than it should have.

Obviously you should have ignored him - not said had feelings and blocked him

I don't blame the wife at all

She was your friend

Doesn't matter you didn't kiss or sleep with him

You had intent

You were still unfaithful by replying to his texts and betraying your friend

What the fuck do you expect her to do and why are you putting this on her?

She’s trying to save her marriage. She knows her husband is a sleaze and either knows or suspects that there’s something between the two of you.

She can hardly allow this to carry on under her nose and she’s married to him and not you. Obviously she is likely to prioritise the relationship with the person she is legally married to and financially yoked to. Yes he’s a total sleaze but you seem to be implying that she is unreasonable in not tacitly tolerating this?

Meanwhile you are loving the attention and turning it into some great love story in your head. If you really wanted to draw a line you should have blocked him a long time ago.

You can’t have it both ways. Either you genuinely want to be this woman’s friend, in which case you make it abundantly clear to her husband that this has to stop. Or you continue to entertain yourself with this fantasy about him being in love with you and accept that your friendship isn’t real. You can’t expect her to allow you to play both sides.

Luckiily this woman is a step ahead of you. Grow up.

You aren't the main villain here op, but you certainly aren't the victim.
I think it sounds as though they are trying to repair their marriage, and the only way this can happen is if you are blocked. You can't expect to stay in a friendship group when you had an emotional affair with one of the husbands.
You know that you massively betrayed her. From her point of view you tried to steel her life.