Work experience and DD with men

[22FrustatedUser]

Sense check please.

DD is doing work experience, had to go for an interview for it several months ago, she was asked some very basic questions about them. All went well and work experience offered.

Office is small with 4 members of staff, sometimes volunteers in there as well (small charity) - only one woman.

H is very protective of DD and started to say he was uncomfortable with her being in an office with only men around and if any visits out, a woman has to be there and not alone on her own at any point with DD in the office. To the point he was going to cancel it all "work experience has no benefit and too risky."

I have spoken to staff there, and also school (school provided a list of local employers offering places) and asked if they were enhanced DBS'd - all staff are.

DD has texted this morning and very excited to be out on a site visit (animal conservation) tmw with two men, H is not happy and wants her home or only to attend if there is a female going.

If something goes wrong, he will blame me 100% for it.

AIBU in not being too bothered about this? They know she has her phone, there will be two adults out there and they do work experience placements each month with kids from 5 local high schools.

Let's just say in my experience predators often more likely to go after girls that are isolated from family. And of course, he can't know for sure. She's still very young though.

He is completely over-reacting. What a twat!

I did my work experience with an urban archeology team at just past 16, pre dbs, so was out on site with 4 men for two weeks. They were lovely (ok, they did take me to the pub, buy me cider and teach me to play pool) and they deposited me safely at the station every day to get home, and couldn't have been nicer. My school had no issues with it, apart from not being able to find me for the check up as we were in the pub.....

Sure, I may have been lucky, but he's being ridiculous here. Do they check in on work experience these days?

Is there any chance that it's coming from a more personal place? I actually was sexually assaulted on my school work experience placement and the thought of my daughters doing it next year and the year after makes me want to stop them but obviously I won't because they have the right to all of the experiences and I won't let what happened to me damage their lives.

Perhaps his reasons need to be explored more carefully? If he's otherwise rational (and not controlling) is it possible that there's a reason for this behavior and confronting that might perhaps make him aware of how unreasonable stopping her is.

I’d be absolutely fuming if DH behaved like your husband is behaving right now. What an absolute tool.

@serialcatbuyer statistically you are more at risk from men you know rather than male strangers.

I am assuming if any members of staff had been sleazy/creepy in the past this would have been passed on from previous work experience students. Obviously, nothing is risk free, so DD can be briefed on what to do in various situations, which will come in useful wherever she is as she gains more independence.

Exactly, men are scared of HR departments and losing their job!

Sums up how I feel exactly!
Totally bizarre

This.

He is judging all men by his own standards? I would be worried as to why he thinks all men are perverts and can’t be trusted around a young female in the work place doing work experience.

I don't know if this is overreacting but personally I'd never allow a teenage girl to have 1:1 lessons with a male music teacher or educational tutor in their home without someone else present. That's far too risky.

I feel like there's more nuance in OP's situation though.

@greenpolarbear "Exactly, men are scared of HR departments and losing their job!" Well, as long as they aren't sleazy sexist harassers then they have absolutely nothing to worry about.

But he is being very controlling and trying to say what she can and can’t do and is making a massive set of assumptions when doing risk assessments

she is 15, less than 3 years from being an adult and making her own choices - this is (as long as she herself is not uncomfortable) perfectly fine - and if there is something that isn’t right it is her instincts who should be followed and listened too

H needs professional help because he could affect DD’s life in the future. He sounds very controlling. Over protective is one thing, controlling and borderline creepy thoughts = therapy

Do you know what I think I'm against the grain a bit too. I've heard of too many instances where teenage girls volunteered at smaller charities led by men and experienced grooming - one of which a very good friend of mine. It's obviously not going to happen everywhere but male violence is rife and most women I know have experienced sexual harassment in some form from older men.

I don't think stopping her entirely is the answer but I do think a good chat about boundaries, potential dangers and safety is really really important.

Yes exactly, shame there's nothing to hold them accountable outside of work.

These conversations that schools have with their students before they go on WE, they're not just thrown out of the door with no preparations. Every student will have a number at school to phone if anything goes wrong or they feel uncomfortable, as well as their parents' numbers. Preparing for WE is a massive undertaking for schools.

Then you (or rather your attitude) is part of the problem.

It sounds like you wouldn't spot sexism if it punched you on the nose.

Sounds like your DH is judging them by his own standards

Seriously?

Does your husband work with young women. He sounds like a danger to them given his assumption that men are going to harm his daughter.

Very extreme reaction from him.

It's unfair of posters to assume the husband's excessive caution is a projection of how he would behave. It may be a reaction to what he has experienced, or witnessed (male predation, of himself or of women close to him).

As for why he would not explain that. This is all speculation of course. But being thought a bit controlling is less painful than explaining what you are truly afraid of, and then being told that your fears are silly.

If a woman seemed excessively fearful of male violence, would you assume she was a danger to others? Or would it be more likely that she has experirenced, or seen close hand, male violence and is afraid of it. Men can react the same way.

Of course, it could be that he is projecting. But why is that the first thought of so many posters here? Is it so hard to believe that men (or boys) who have experienced dangerous men would be scarred by that experience?

@LizFromMotherland

Then you (or rather your attitude) is part of the problem. It sounds like you wouldn't spot sexism if it punched you on the nose.

Is that because you think young women and young men are at equal risk of predation from men?

The ONS reckons that women are at about three times the risk of sexual harrassment than men are (about 8% for women p.a. and 3% for men).

You might think those rates are so low as to not be worth worrying about for either daughters or sons. But it's hardly 'sexist' or problematic to recognise that difference, nor a feminist (or egalitarian) duty to ignore differential risks.

We do not manage risk of VAWG by restricting the lives of women, but by education and removing the opportunities for predatory men to access women.

It sounds like the work trip has been set up appropriately by ensuring your daughter will not be alone with a male colleague . As long as your daughter is happy to go and is generally sensible and as aware that rules about her own safety apply just as much to a work situation as to a night out, and she has a fully charged phone etc then I can’t see there is a problem.

I agree, does he find other peoples 15 year old daughters attractive?

No, it's because the PP said...

IDK, I don’t think her husband is hugely sexist. Maybe slightly over protective.

He's hugely sexist no matter what the statistics are.

Toxic masculinity at its worst.