Work experience and DD with men

[22FrustatedUser]

Sense check please.

DD is doing work experience, had to go for an interview for it several months ago, she was asked some very basic questions about them. All went well and work experience offered.

Office is small with 4 members of staff, sometimes volunteers in there as well (small charity) - only one woman.

H is very protective of DD and started to say he was uncomfortable with her being in an office with only men around and if any visits out, a woman has to be there and not alone on her own at any point with DD in the office. To the point he was going to cancel it all "work experience has no benefit and too risky."

I have spoken to staff there, and also school (school provided a list of local employers offering places) and asked if they were enhanced DBS'd - all staff are.

DD has texted this morning and very excited to be out on a site visit (animal conservation) tmw with two men, H is not happy and wants her home or only to attend if there is a female going.

If something goes wrong, he will blame me 100% for it.

AIBU in not being too bothered about this? They know she has her phone, there will be two adults out there and they do work experience placements each month with kids from 5 local high schools.

This x 100

My daughter is also on work experience this week and I don’t think the checks are super extensive tbh. I think enough women know that in every situation there is a risk and I too would be cautious about my young daughter working only with men tbh. I don’t think that is an illogical fear however, it does need to balanced. It’s unlikely to be unsafe, but it’s more that possible unfortunately. Your H needs to better manage his feelings and not project that fear.

However, if he is more generally controlling, that is a bigger issue.

OP, this is not normal at all, and I think you probably do realise this.
It sounds as if your daughter would benefit from the male contact tbh.

Your DH is being really odd. His attitude will be more damaging for your DD than being alone with two dbs checked guys working for a charity ffs.
It's your DH and that level of controlling I'd be scared of. This is not healthy. Accepting this level of control from a man in her life as though it were a type of love is going to really damage her. What do you think thus is all teaching her about how to interact abd relate to men? What do you think it's teaching her about her own judgement abd self esteem? Extremely unhealthy things. He's setting her up for abuse not protecting her from it.

Wow this is so odd! I did work experience at a vets. No phones in those days. Went out on farm visits with a man. At no point did it even cross my mind to think anything of this! My parents just let me get on with it, dropped me off in the morning and got a lift back in the afternoon. Bizarre!

Ask your DH why he thinks that. Is it because he would be dangerous around a young work experience girl?

And them tell him to get a grip and STFU

And also think about how limited her dreams will be if she's never allowed to work alone with a man. I know she's only 15 now but this has an impact on her.. she will end up doing work experience in a primary school whether she wants to or not. As that will have enough female staff for her never to have to be alone with a man. So here we go straight away being shepherded into a traditionally female, lower paid career... fine if its genuinely your dream. But this is so sad for her if its not. Its damaging in this way too. Its really controlling and harming her. Please don't let him behave like this.

This!

#NotAllMen

It's a shame he feels like that, but also understandable knowing how men can behave towards women.
It's also a new step for DD to be taking. DH has got to adjust to DD growing up and away from him. DD is still 'only' 15!
Could he somehow 'introduce' himself during a drop off? So that it doesn't become a big deal, but he can see the set up for himself?
My dad was always around for me as a youngster, but rarely made a fuss but when he did, I listened. ie when I was 18/19 and finished work early evening but it was dark, he'd meet me to head home together. (I was equally used to doing solo long public bus journeys to and from school from 13 ....so not mollycoddled, just some extra caring in those circumstances).

What is it that worries him?

I don't agree that this is necessarily a controlling situation. He may be genuinely frightened for her.
I have been abused myself and I am terrified of my own DD being alone with men. I have learned to deal with the fear for her sake.

Finding out why your DH feels this way and addressing the issues he raises may be the best way to go.

This. He sounds a very controlling person, that needs to change or she will possibly end up seeking out similar in a future partner.. it's really unhealthy. I doubt these grown men are paedophiles in hiding.

How can she go out into the working world, and be guaranteed there will be another woman present at all times?
This attitude is very worrying. So, the implications is her father is the only man that can be trusted, and she'll be assaulted the moment she's alone with any other male?
Your DH needs therapy. I genuinely hope he might consider it as it's a him problem.
I hope he sees sense. She should absolutely do the work placement.

Totally agree... weird thing for someone who wasn't that way inclined to take from the situation. Either that or misogynistic religious vibes...

I agree. Sexual harassment and grooming of teenaged girls is not that rare. It is a risk.

In this case it is a risk worth taking. She'll be in these situations soon enough. At least on this occasion she won't be alone with one man, and they are DBS checked, so that is some reassurance. This work experience is a great opportunity.

OP, I also agree that it could be helpful for you or your DH to drop DD off at her work experience, not only so he can suss out the situation but also to let the people there see that she has an involved and caring parent. This was recommended to me by a friend who had fostered many vulnerable teenaged girls. Predators are more likely to go after kids who are isolated than kids who have family keeping an eye out for them. She used to occasionally pick up her young people from work or drop them off, ring them sometimes at work, and so on. It sent the message: don't mess with this kid.

Definitely not rare, but it is a risk that has to be taken in the workplace. I think it's fine for dad to drop her off at WE once or twice.

Could he somehow 'introduce' himself during a drop off? So that it doesn't become a big deal, but he can see the set up for himself?

Oh god no please don't do this. How embarrassing for your DD. It's WORK experience. It's outside of school and meant to get teenagers ready for the working world. If he does this now then he's going to be doing it when she starts proper jobs at 16-17 and then probably won't stop...

Really struggling to understand what his problem is. He's a man isn't he? But he's saying all other men are predators? Just not him? Because the normal view is that most men AREN'T preying on 15 year old girls so why does he think differently?

Out of curiosity what sector does your DH work in?

I work in a massively male dominated environment and we've always had WE and apprentices here - male and female - and not once have we ever had an issue. Nor would it even cross our minds that anything like this would occur. The blokes here will always have a little joke / take the mickey out of the newbies but they know where to draw the line and ultimately always just take them under their wing and make sure they're ok. We've had some start who are so shy and quiet and then they end up being "one of the lads" by the time they're leaving and taking the piss out of the older blokes😂It does them the world of good to develop a thick skin and a healthy attitude to working alongside people of difference sexes, ages, ethnicities etc etc.

I presume he doesnt let her walk anywhere on her own, go on any school trips etc just in case...etc. He's at best ridiculous, and will ruin every chance she gets for an independent life if you let him.

I don’t think dropping/collecting/introducing himself in a relaxed way is such a bad idea. I dropped my daughter off today and she already has a part time job. The fact is, she is 15 and that does make you vulnerable to a particular male, whether DBS checked or not!

The rest of your post has no relevance at all imo. If we did a thread now asking women to comment who had experienced inappropriate sexual behaviours from males in the workplace or any other “safe space”, it would be filled pretty quickly.

I do think the Dad is being OTT generally however, it’s illogical to suggest that this feeling is coming from nowhere at all.

I'm not sure how this helps? Does DH have some kind of sixth sense for abusive men? Will he know from a distance, or will he have to come into the building with her and shake the colleagues hand in order to work it out and put DD back in the car? Will he give him a hard stare, or will his very manly presence indicate that DD is the property of another man so shoudn't be abused?

I'm pretty sure that at 15 DD should be in posession of the facts of life, as she's about to go out into it, and she needs to know how to handle herself, around men, and around women, and be able to recognise inappropriate behaviour. Unless he's planning on accompanying her everywhere to do a sniff test. Maybe he is.

DD needs to learn to manage her own safety with support from her parents rather that being treated as if she is a hopeless victim-to-be to be treated without respect by her own father never mind colleagues or mentors.I hope this isn't a sign of how he treats the family in general. You can be sure that this isn't really a 'being nice' type of overprotectiveness.

If the company is accepting children on work experience they should have a safe guarding policy in place. Have you asked - or has the school asked?

I hope your dd has a great experience and really enjoys it. This can lead to a great job in the future for her if that's what she wants to do and I wish her all the best. I hope her dad backs off as she'll end up resenting him for this behaviour if he keeps it up, it's not fair on you or your dd. He's clearly insecure about himself as that's how he would think or act around women. She's becoming a young woman and checks have been done on the people she'll be working with and she'll have her phone too so you've kept yourself right and your dd as safe as possible. I'm more wary of your H tbh. I really hope he puts his own ideology and unrealistic views to one side and for him to be a great supportive dad and husband that you both deserve and have yours and your daughter's backs. Trust your own instincts and stand your ground. Your daughter will learn true strength and success from you being by her side cheering her on and standing up for what you believe even when it's not easy. You've got this and so does she! Sending positivity, warmth and happiness your way ❤️🦋❤️🦋❤️

Stop projecting your issues on other people and get yourself some therapy.

Jesus. Your DH is being very weird....