Turning up to venue uninvited…Why?

[SweetSouberry]

My friend made quite a controversial choice in hosting an event this morning/ lunchtime.

Traditionally the event would be more family orientated with kids running around and hosted in a more ‘domestic’ setting.

She hosted in quite a posh hotel and only invited blood relatives and friends. My husband and sons weren’t invited but I went as the event would hold no interest for them.

Her parents and one of her brothers initially refused to go as in-laws and nephews nieces weren’t invited. However, mother and brother did come in the end!

But a whole slew of the uninvited turned up anyway. Two sisters-in-law , one with her own sister came to the venue and had lunch in the same restaurant with their kids who kept coming over to our table.

A cousin’s partner walked around grounds with her own child while partner and older step-child were at event.

Mother-in-law’s sister sat in the hotel’s lounge and the spouse of another friend set up his computer in the conservatory type thing.

I was just cringing, why would they humiliate themselves like this?

I would not have done what friend did but even if I wasn’t invited somewhere and I was upset I wouldn’t dream of still coming to venue.

Why do you think that they did it?

@SweetSouberry

You need to think bigger picture here.
I bet there will be a whole list of stuff that your mate has put upon her family to make them feel 'less than.'
I bet this NFI (not fucking invited) situation is the straw that broke the camels back and they decided to rebel.

I don't understand how you can't see how rude your friend has been to her family. Really fucking obnoxious actually.

Well put. All those are bad reasons.

For someone who's Ahem! not the host, you're coming across as incredibly involved and defensive OP.

Poor planning and hosting on your friend's part. If you're going to have a super-exclusionary, family-drama-inducing guestlist, it's tactically advisable to host in a private space (eg a function room) rather than a public venue where The Uninvited can intrude anyway.

There are many reasons why people might have chosen to be at the venue at the same time as the event, very few of which are embarrassing for them. Rather than fretting over the potential sources of drama, why not just accept that different people will behave in different ways for different reasons, and move on so you all can enjoy the new baby.

I understand being upset at being left out. I get that but I still see it as ruder and humiliating turning up where you haven’t been invited.

I don't see it as ruder than your morally bankrupt friend's behaviour.

At worst, I see it as them saying, "you can pretend I'm not part of this child's family, you can treat me like I don't exist, you can divide me and my child/ren from my spouse/their parent but at the end of the day I'm a sovereign human being, it's a public restaurant, and I can spend today however I like and you'll just have to accept that. You made it awkward for this family, I'm not going to play the game for you."

She doesn't appear to have a Christian bone in her body. She didn't want to have the child's family there. What exactly was the Christening for other than to get gifts and use it as an opportunity to bully people and divide families. I don't think it's them that are the humiliated party and I don't think it's them that come out of it as the nastier party here, honestly.

That being said, I also think it may have been more convenient for some spouses and kids to stick around for lifts for drinkers, babies needing fed etc. Or maybe they just fancied a nice roast somewhere the food was good and didn't feel the need to consider the feelings of someone who didn't give theirs a second thought?

Just because you'd go and lick your wounds in private, it doesn't mean that everyone is obliged to.

You keep using the word "humiliating". Thinking they must have been humiliated. They weren't. It's not for you to decide when someone else should feel humiliation. The family were making a very public point. A point their spouses and in-laws would have known was going to happen and did not discourage them. Your friend chose a public space to have an exclusive party. She didn't bargain on the people she excluded deciding to have their own get-together on the same day in the same place.

I think she/you banked on them being humiliated and staying away. Instead they went out to a lovely hotel and had their own meal. The only people upset by their presence were you/the host.

I'd be cringing too. If you aren't invited then you don't go.

This. I'd be utterly embarrassed by her behaviour and I'd distance myself from someone who is as narcissistic and calculated as this. She'd be an acquaintance at best.

They didn't go. They went out for lunch in a hotel. There were lots of other patrons there too who weren't at her party. She didn't have exclusive use of the hotel for the day.

I don't necessarily think it was a nice thing to do, to turn up, but, OP, obviously you've never been on the receiving end of being excluded from important celebrations. It freaking hurts and is humiliating.

I was excluded from a 21st by my cousin's entitled niece (not the only person). I admit I felt a bit of karma when it ended up in her parents garage, under flouro lights, because it rained & her lovely backyard setup was ruined. I'm usually supportive, but so hurt.

My SIL also pulled your friend's stunt for her wedding because she wanted an expensive, fancy venue. 12 years on & most of her extended family still don't speak to her.

You make choices, you pay the consequences. It might be the era of 'invite who you want, it's your party' but people have feelings. A Christening exclusion of family is pretty bad.

Other patrons had no idea that they would be an event on. They also didn't turn up on purpose knowing that they hadn't been invited to make some kind of weird point.

No one is entitled to an invitation and no good is going to come out of it because they certainly aren't going to get any future invitations.

nice to see chatgpt has given its two cents @islababy22

As a chatGPT user, I applaud this 😂

Maybe they did it out of kindness to her. They understood that she wanted a posh hotel but clearly wasn't able to afford to pay for all the family to go. So they decided to ease her financial burden and attended but paid for themselves to have the meal and be with their spouses and family.

She probably should personally thank each of them for doing that so discretely and not making it into a big issue 😉

Ultimately, showing up uninvited is rude behavior that puts the couple in an awkward position. Guests should always RSVP and get confirmation before attending.

Except they didn't show up uninvited to a private function.

They just went for dinner as members of the public, at restaurant, open to the public, where their sister in law/niece in law chose to book a table for a meal for their niece/nephew's Christening because she couldn't be arsed to arrange anything private and doesn't like them. It seems like they didn't even approach her. They certainly didn't expect her to pay or provide anything for them. They were paying customers like anyone else that day.

I mean, let's be honest here, there's most likely a massive backstory involving a prettier sister in law, brother in law that doesn't take her shit or her being so insecure that she's petrified of having another child present who might "take the shine" off their own...it's HER baby and HER day etc. She only wants the people there who are important to HER and she doesn't care about who might be important to THEM (like their own child ffs!), or those who might actually love HER child, she just wants people to be there for HER as you have to put yourSELF first when your child becomes a Christian.

But in a public place anyone is entitled to be there if they like. They didn't gate crash her party. They went to the same venue and had lunch. Just like others who were there.

No-one is entitled to an invitation? Fair point. Equally nobody is entitled to exclusive use of a public space and insist certain other people aren't allowed attend at their own expenses.

As for not getting future invitations, I can't see that bothering them too much. It's also one less person they need to add to their guest list too. At the end of the day everyone's happy 😉

Those spouses ARE ALSO the child’s Aunts and Uncles.

It wasn't just like others who were there at all. Those people didn't turn up knowing there was an event on that they hadn't been invited to but decided to show their faces anyway and make it known that they were there.

They went to the same venue for a reason. Come on now.

@SouthLondonMum22

Yes, they did go on purpose. To passively aggressively show OP's mate how rude she was.

I'm not disputing that. I'm just saying they are perfectly entitled to be there, as paying members of the public, just like other members of the public.

They obviously went for a reason. And I think they accomplished what they wanted to. Whether you, I or OP agree with them or wouldn't do the same is irrelevant. There was nothing stopping them going. So they went.

If the mother and brother of the host were considering not going then I think it's fairly clear who the unreasonable person in this family is. I suspect there won't be many happy family gatherings in the future

I would not be amazed to learn that the OP is indeed The Friend.

The Uninvited is making me laugh though 😁

Your friend sounds absolutely batshit & I would bet any money that this isn’t the first time (or the last time) they’ve done something like this. There’s going to be issues with every single event going forward now they’ve decided to behave this way to family, because even though you’re saying they only invited family they’ve actually excluded family too & have essentially said yes you’re my family through marriage but you’re not really my family so I don’t want you around. She’s going to excluded from a lot of ‘family’ functions

As one of the uninvited I would have done exactly as the OP maintains she would stayed at home and sulked. I however take my hat off to the brilliantly thought out plan of the uninvited in this scenario.
A reminder that they existed and of her appalling rudeness in a completely non confrontational way.

I suspect there won't be many happy family gatherings in the future.

I agree with you there.