Turning up to venue uninvited…Why?

[SweetSouberry]

My friend made quite a controversial choice in hosting an event this morning/ lunchtime.

Traditionally the event would be more family orientated with kids running around and hosted in a more ‘domestic’ setting.

She hosted in quite a posh hotel and only invited blood relatives and friends. My husband and sons weren’t invited but I went as the event would hold no interest for them.

Her parents and one of her brothers initially refused to go as in-laws and nephews nieces weren’t invited. However, mother and brother did come in the end!

But a whole slew of the uninvited turned up anyway. Two sisters-in-law , one with her own sister came to the venue and had lunch in the same restaurant with their kids who kept coming over to our table.

A cousin’s partner walked around grounds with her own child while partner and older step-child were at event.

Mother-in-law’s sister sat in the hotel’s lounge and the spouse of another friend set up his computer in the conservatory type thing.

I was just cringing, why would they humiliate themselves like this?

I would not have done what friend did but even if I wasn’t invited somewhere and I was upset I wouldn’t dream of still coming to venue.

Why do you think that they did it?

The spouses are still aunts or uncles. I sent all the birthday cards and presents to my DH's nephews and nieces. I'd have been hurt not to have been invited to the christening of one of them.

Do you not consider the spouses of aunts and uncles to be uncles and aunts?

When we got married my husband invited a woman he worked with. Her husband wasn’t invited as other partners weren’t. He turned up anyway and stood outside drinking with others. My hub eventually said “you coming in” and he replied “no thanks”. It was a small hotel so we had the whole thing booked out, so it wasn’t like he could sit in another bar. They had originally planned on parking their camper van in the car park and sleeping in it but my husband had to tell them they couldn’t. So cringe!

Did she, sorry, I must have missed that, I only read first few comments.
This is really bizarre then, to have no children at a child's event, and to exclude family from and events which is about being welcomed into God's family.

Mission accomplished for them then. They wanted to disrupt her event. And they did.

You don't have to be invited to a public place. They were as entitled as anyone to go out for lunch in a hotel. Handy their spoused were going the same direction too. They could share lifts!!

She sounds petty. They sound like they had a bit of fun by showing up to a public place where all their relatives were gathered but they weren't seen as important enough to be there.

Imagine inviting your brother to something but not his wife? It also seems she didn't invite her own nieces and nephews? Tight arse. A public place. It was obviously coordinated by them all to attend anyway. With the knowledge of their spouses.

I hope they all had a nice day.

I think it's pretty poor form to "gatecrash", to use your word, but I also think it's pretty poor form not to invite spouses, and indeed children to a baptism. FWIW, children definitely have a time and place and I'm all for child-free weddings.

So they were all a bit pissed off or upset. Call it quits.

Why do you think that they did it?

They wanted to have lunch out.

It was convenient to be at the same place as their spouse.

It's a public place.

Oh so a christening. Well your friend is petty not inviting her sister in-laws, aren't they the aunt of the baby, so blood relatives to baby. Don't hold an event excluding half the family, seems like everyone was at the church anyway, so then went out to eat. Who the fff invites a person without inviting the spouse, ur friend should be embarrassed

But why would you do it just because you can?

To teach someone a lesson about manners, etiquette and family relations

Who is she to think they shouldn't be at a public venue on her say?

Power trip

I would NEVER go somewhere I wasn't invited but I get it.

She wanted a poncy hotel event and couldn't afford it, so she treated half of her family like dirt, and will have to live with the consequences.

Know her do you hmmm? OR perhaps the 'poncy hotel' (lovely bit of reverse snobbery there) were able to do all the stuff she required so she only literally had to turn up and it'd be sorted. And live with the consequences, come on, it's hardly crime of the century - parents have christening...and also relatives with more front than Blackpool, oh noes! The almighty consequences 😂

Unless they paid for the entire venue to be a ticketed only event, with security checking invites on the doors, I fail to understand how you could stop people from choosing to book tables in the restaurant at the same time as the other party.
If there is some sort of animosity it would seem an odd choice to want to be close to the people you've fallen out with.
All this talk of controversial decisions to host lunches etc makes it sound like you don't like eachother very much and should do minimal contact.

She didn't just want a day to enjoy or she would have booked a cheaper hall and catering she wanted to be posh

OP, you're dramatically underselling how rude your friend was not to invite spouses of close family members to what is traditionally a family event. If she wanted it to be smaller she should have stuck to inviting her husband and godparents only. To be perfectly honest I don't believe this was done innocently by your friend, it sounds like she was making a point or demonstrating control.

I don't know that I would have done what these family members did (they were obviously pointing out how rude she was being instead of letting everyone pretend it hadn't happened), but your friend should have expected long-lasting changes to family relationships from this.

Well firstly I disagree with christenings! Let your child make a choice for themselves

But if you must have one!!! I thought the whole idea was a family celebration, not cutting people out

@DappledThings Maybe I am coming over as ridiculous.

I understand being upset at being left out. I get that but I still see it as ruder and humiliating turning up where you haven’t been invited.

I wouldn’t have done what my friend did but I genuinely don’t get why you would want to make her upset and uncomfortable at a major event in her life.

@MuddlingThrough1724 I don’t get why you’d need to ‘kill time’ while your partner was involved in something else. Why wouldn’t you just go about your own business at home or go out somewhere else? Why turn up at the exact same venue with kids and your own sister who is absolutely no relation to the child and her kids?

I don’t think I am not understanding it’s just I can’t get my head around the reasons people are giving.

I would just stay at home and sulk!

Anyway I will leave it before I become even more ridiculous.

I love the concept of "The Uninvited" - it reminds me of that wonderful French series "Les Revenants" - The Returned.

They didn't need an invite, it's a public place.

Your friends own parents initially refused to attend, she's got it all wrong and ruined the day.

Why wouldn’t you just go about your own business at home or go out somewhere else? Why turn up at the exact same venue with kids

Because you are the aunt and your kids are the cousins of the baby being christened.

This is not a case of someone's husband being invited to a colleague's neighbour's uncle's mates party and them kicking off at the invitation not being extended to them. This is their niece's/cousin's christening.

11 pages of pople telling you all the reasons why The Uninvited rocked up anyway, and you're still saying you don't understand. Your friend was a rude cow, made a very public declaration via her guest list which family members she values and which ones she doesn't (and these people are all family), and tries to justify it with her bullshit excuse about not wanting to have to do any work, when it would have only needed more money (which you say she isn't short of). They were shaming her, so that the memory of her humiliation sticks with her next time she thinks about being so rude to her family.

She only has herself to blame then.
You can't play these power games and chop up family and turn away from etiquette and be surprised to receive backlash.

In 10-15 years time, I wonder if OP will have a closer relationship with the child than the aunts and cousins who weren't invited.

I get that but I still see it as ruder and humiliating turning up where you haven’t been invited
Yes, but most people don't. Most people, on here at least, see your friend's actions as ruder. So you might not accept that but surely you can now understand their thought process

"she wanted an event that required no planning. She literally had coffee with the Maitre D who then organised everything plus cake. "
Then she could have just told the Maitre D' a bigger number, when they asked how many guests. But she didn't.
So she either didn't invite them because she didn't want them there. Or she didn't invite them because money was an issue, and she prioritised having a fancy-venue over making everyone feel included. Or she didn't invite them because she had the money, but is too tight to spend it on extended family.
All three of those reasons are quite hurtful, if you've been treating someone like family and then they exclude you. The extended family that showed up uninvited were just highlighting this. She shouldn't expect many offers of babysitting in the near future.

Totally weird and passive aggressive turning up like that. I'm guessing friend p'eed off lots of family doing it her way - no excuse though.

They were pissed off they weren't invited.

They WANTED to spoil her day.

They DELIBERATELY turned up at exactly the same time to piss her off.

I don't understand why this is so hard for you to understand?! People think differently to you?! They don't sulk, they take revenge.