Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

Thanks everyone. I suppose she could be ND as it is in the family. I have thought about it but she was always the 'normal' one!

My DC2 was horrendous as well. He wouldn't have journalled, or meditated, or told me what was wrong (I did ask). Eventually I concluded that being an absolute bastard to me was some sort of coping mechanism for him, so he didn't want to discuss how he could be civil to me. Being an angry abusive shouting threatening brat was working for him on a couple of levels.

I'm going to go home now and try and manage things better.

Thanks again ❤️

You're right about this IMO.

Essentially it sounds as though what's awful in your life is eating disorders in teenagers. Teenagers aren't awful. Your teenager isn't awful. You are not awful.

Eating disorders are awful.

Being a teenager with an eating disorder is awful.

Living with a teenager with an eating disorder is awful (for you and her dad but don't forget this is probably impacting her sister too).

It's not about you and knowing that as you do is massively positive. Being able to see the "wood for the trees" is absolutely crucial - you have a child with a mental health condition and that is the problem.

It's a really challenging situation, and I hope you get support from CAMHS and perhaps seek peer support groups for both her and yourself (not online for her ideally as the online ones can be dangerous because if they're unmoderated they can affirm disordered eating).

It's going to be helpful to both of you if you can remember constantly that it isn't about you and not take anything personally. In the end your daughter is ill and it's upsetting and worrying for you, but that's a very specific issue, just as it would be if she had a physical illness, and knowing that might help you reframe and deal with this phase.

Good luck!

I hit a low point (both in incredibly low weight and physical/mental health) and I realised I was too weak to do my much loved hobby anymore. My therapist and some online friends talked some sense into me and I was determined to follow my hobby into a career, I tried to maintain for a bit, and going off to uni and getting away from the toxic environment I’d been in gave me the space I needed. I somehow I worked through it. I read every self help book under the sun. I focused on health rather than weight. It was a long journey, but my biggest accomplishment is getting better.

If you can afford it don’t be afraid to get help for yourself - either just for you or family therapy. I loathed it, but it’s one of the best tools for helping eating disorders.

It might be her friends. If hostility to adults is “cool”/normalised in her social group she may be being influenced by that?

Strong boundaries.
If you say something mean it.

I do think generally boys are easier as teens than girls.
Boys can punch lath and plaster walls in frustration- and punch doors ( very unacceptable) but they don’t seem to be as nasty verbally.

Teen girls can be very sly and unkind, as opposed to door thumpy.

They do improve- but boundaries really help.
And talking to them.
Hunger made my son really “ Naughty “

I wasn’t initially aware how much food boys burn through!

That's all screaming mental health problems to me and possible ND. I have similar with DD15 and she has over the last few years been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, ASD, OCD and PTSD and restrictive eating. Therapy is helping slowly, but we've had to pay for most of it, she is under CAMHS but they just prescribed fluoxetine for about a year and a half, we've only just recently got allocated a therapist there.

I wish I could tell you there's a quick fix, but there isn't - but one thing my DD has said to me if it helps at all, is that she knows she is vile to me sometimes, but she doesn't mean what she says, it's because she knows it's safe for her to lash out at me whereas she can't at some of the people that have caused her pain.

You have my utmost sympathy OP, it's incredibly hard

I know there's a tons of posts about going in hard on rules but be careful not to go too hard. Let her know you love her, let her feel that connection - even if she's not reciprocating. Don't let your relationship just be a battle of wills.

With the food, remove any form of control from it. If she wants to eat something let her eat that thing. Grey rock her eating habits - don't react to anything. Children and young people have virtually no control over anything in their lives - except food.

Why are you pussy footing around her?

Tell her she is being unspeakably horrible and if she continues she'll be going to school without her clothes washed it anything done for her ever again.

There's no message about going hard on rules.

There are messages about having strict boundaries. That's different.

One son and 2 daughters were absolutely fine and one was and still an absolute nightmare. Your mental health takes such a hit. All had the same upbringing and consequences.

Oh God :/ That sounds so bad. Is that really an age thing or did they inherit this from someone in their wider family?

Hi op. This is a very different scenario to the one you posted in your op. Please get yourself on the eating disorders support thread, which is ongoing. I’ll post it below.

My dd has anorexia, as yet not diagnosed. She has lost a lot of weight and is an absolutely vile anorexic. This is normal. The body stops feeding the coretex and as a result, she has lost all empathy. She has been saying things like every day I wish you were dead, tells me all the time she hates me, that I am vile, has been violent to me etc. If you look at the thread I’m posting and read my comments and responses to them, you will get a flavour of the journey my dd is going on.

You need decent advice. The only thing that is important right now is that your dd eats. The referral to CAHMS is a good start but do be aware, diagnosis to advice and therapy can be long and we were given no support beyond take her to A&E if there are concerns.

My dd is being treated as if she has autism and PDA. We are paying privately for this with specialist eating disorder therapist but the therapist isn’t able to medically diagnose. I have spoken to the CAHMS psychiatrist and she was fine with the Ed counsellors approach.

Dh and I both have an hour with the therapist, dd also has an hour a week also. We have had to force dd to attend these meetings but they are bearing fruit. In the beginning she was eating 400/500 calories a day. Now she’s eating about 1400. Dd has also just taken her GCSEs. She only eats carrot sticks, humous, a little bit of cheese and grapes at home. Sometimes she will also eat sour cream and chive dip as well as tortilla chips. The ED specialist says that’s fine for the moment albeit far from ideal as she’s getting a reasonable amount of carb, protein and fat. I have sourced the highest calorie and protein of each of these products.

You have the added complexity that your dd is withdrawing from friends when mine has not. Please try not to get upset about how your dd is. If she is restricting and has for some time, she may be mentally ill and it’s the eating disorder talking. My dd is pretty mentally unwell. There are improvements but she still doesn’t see a problem with her eating albeit she now is able to eat.

We are also having to treat her like a year 5, ie about age 10.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/5033256-support-thread-12-for-parents-of-young-people-with-an-eating-disorder?page=8&reply=136761563

Very lucky!

I totally understand this. it was so bad for so many reasons I feel it has affected my present relationship with her as I am frightened it’s going to start again and I feel that’s so negative and stops us from moving on and getting an adult relationship. Tough doesn’t sum it up.

The only thing that is important right now is that your dd eats

That doesn't mean OP must be treated like an emotional punchbag.

DS was a dream until about 15-18, when he was horrendous. Now he's 24 and has been lovely for again for years. As long as they keep doing well in education and don't hang out with dodgy people, they do come back again, I promise!

When I went to Female GP about son, she said “ I have four boys and I’m DREADING teen years.

She says boys get huge testosterone surges hence the thumping doors sometimes

She suggested hard exercise
That definitely burns off a lot of energy.

She was not keen on giving teens meds to control their behaviour “ That’s neither necessary nor desirable “ was what she said.

It’s very common for teens to be difficult- It’s part of separating from you- but they do “come back”

Firstly, despite her being horrible to you, sge clearly needs you and needs you to set boundaries whilst also being nurturing.
Often people become unpleasant/nasty when they are anxious or have low self esteem. I appreciate that this can be easier said than done, but i would try not to show your worry/stress about her weight loss/situation. Growing up my mother was always anxious, so if I turned to her for support, she would become anxious herself and forget to simply offer me any reassurance or a hug. I would then become anxious and frustrated because if i did tell her anything, it would stress her out and she would react in a way that would stress me out all the more. If you are pussy footing around/too anxious to raise certain issues with her directly, then inadvertently you are sending the message to her that either you don't care (which couldn't be further from the truth) or that her issues are serious, which may make her more anxious.

Instead I would try to keep things fairly relaxed and upbeat (even if a bit of a pretence), don't avoid talking about issues that are important and also don't be afraid to let her see you upset if she is mean to you. At present she probably has no idea how hurtful her words or actions are towards you. Also calmly tell her that you don't speak to her like that etc and that you expect a little more kindness in the way that she speaks to you.

My now grown up 'child' was a truly nightmare teenager. And it didn't get better, it got worse. I am so pleased for those of you whose teenage challenges passed (or didn't have them at all).

Is she being bullied by your autistic older daughter? My older autistic brothers used to bully me. My parents just let them get away with it. I have nothing to do with any of them now.
It's impossible to judge from your post what the problem or solution is. My parents think they were god's gift to parenting, but actually they were truly appalling.

Thank you so much for writing this, it’s comforting when people have the same experiences, not that I would ever want anyone to go through this too.
my DS lost 22kg in 4 months bradychardic, foul to live with, no energy. 14 just heading to Nat 5 age.
food this last 3 weeks has improved and he’s a much better person. Not the end of the road by a long shot but getting there. I wish you well in your journey too.

My 15 year old dd is a dream.. but my son?! He was awful, vile, rude, arrogant, disobedient, very naughty at home and school. It was like he changed overnight once he turned 13. Some of the most stressful years ever. He’s 19 now and a lot better but he can still have his moments.