Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

I find this deeply misogynistic - and completely untrue.

I'm sorry parents have a hard time but no bloody wonder if you're so ready to be so unpleasant about an entire sex and age group.

Parenting teenagers is stressful because there is so much to worry about, the sleep deprivation of babyhood is echoed in a way that was absent in the primary to early secondary years due to late night lifts and generally feeling "on call" but that's not the teenagers ' fault and we shouldn't put it on them. Consistent boundaries and natural consequences coupled with them knowing that when it comes to anything important you always have their backs and unconditionally love them is hard, but no harder than the chronic sleep deprivation and velcro attachment and 24/7 demands of some babies and toddlers (not all babies and toddlers are the same and obviously that applies to teenagers too).

My nearly 19 year old daughter has her grumpy moments and there have of course been little incidents and phases, but she's lovely and essentially always has been! I also have two teenage sons - none of them are in any way horrible, they're all three pretty wonderful company and can be so helpful and thoughtful as well as hilarious - and girls are neither more or less difficult than boys, though the reasons to worry are in some cases different.

I have worked with teenagers and young adults most of my life and teenagers can be challenging but are not horrible as a group and teenage girls are not universally more difficult than teenage boys.

It's really deeply unhelpful to any parent's relationship with their daughter to go around calling her a cow behind her back or issuing blanket dismissals of all girls between 13 and 19 as automatically horrible.

sorry another thing.

her bad mood will be being caused by lack of food. Was always called it hangry before we realised the problem.

Now he is eating more he’s much more pleasant to be around.

if she can get the eating sorted your DD will be back.

Why not?

I had a DS who went totally off the rails around 15. Weed, staying out, not knowing where he was. It was horrendous. 7 years on its a distant memory.

At the time, I started off trying to be reasonable but in the end I basically said "behave how you want, I don't care, but if you want to be treated nicely and with respect then you treat me nicely and with respect. Don't be expecting me to be running round after you, doing your laundry or cooking you meals if you can't act like one of the family. I am not putting up with your crap"

So I did just that, basically just acknowledged his presence, was polite, didn't get annoyed, just let him get on with it. If he came into the kitchen when I was making a drink I offered him one. If he appeared when I was just starting to cook, I asked if he wanted anything.

For the first week or so I think he enjoyed the "freedom" but it wore off quite quickly.

I am sorry you are going through this. I have 4 teens at home. The eldest 2 (now 19 &17) were a dream. They both play competitive sports and I think this really helped. 19-year-old is male and 17 is female. I also have a 14-year-old daughter who also plays competitive sports, and this seems to keep her grounded. No lip or disprespect. But OMG, my 12-year-old (very soon to be 13) is awful. She is rude, disrespectful, won't stick to anything and absolutely drains me. We had a day last September which I still feel emotionally drained about.

Op change in mood and restricted eating sounds worrying. Absolutely tell her calmly she cannot speak to you like that but also find ways to open up communication.You could try a mother/daughter journal...you write in it and leave it on her bed and she writes back and leaves it on your bed .Start with telling her 10 things you love about her.There is one you can buy on amazon which has prompts but you can do your own.I was recommended this when my daughter was having counselling and it turned into a really good thing.It should be positive though...like her birth story or your most embarrassing moment.Sounds wooly but it got us talking again.Do little things like sit next to her when she is watching TV, rub her arm as you walk past, put your phone down when she comes in, ask if she wants to join you on supermarket trips, take her for a drive.Don't ask her how she is feeling-she might not know- just that you are there if she wants to talk. Clear reminders that you are here if she needs help but rudeness won't be tolerated.

Sorry, we also found TikTok time to be an issue. He was too tired to do much and spent too much time on his phone so we put on parental restrictions. 1h TikTok per day and completely blocked all phone time by 10pm. He hated us for about a week but it’s the best thing we did tbh.

You say that but that also requires the other person to cotton on and act on what they are being told. What do you do if the child is far more strong minded than this. You can't take all the credit for your children's good behaviour, some of it will be down to their own choice of taking note of your boundaries. It's easy to say do this and do that and of course the advice you give is good and that's a good example to set but I'm talking from experience where I put rules in place they don't alway work because you can't control someone's behaviour. You can teach but you can't control.

I do all these things. Ask her if she wants to come to the fields, ask her to go shopping. If I so much as touch her arm she glares at me. I've really tried and there are times when she is nice but mostly she hates us being near her

I don't think she would do the journal

But it's a lovely idea

@F11
I’ve got 2 dds- one 20 and one almost 17

it is hard, and mine can be rude. But we found it goes in phases, just as you think you can’t stand any more it settles again briefly.
yes I understand what others have said about boundaries but it is easier said than done.
It’s positive in some ways that your dd is like this with only her parents and not other people. I think that they do need opportunity to be themselves at home but obviously not being abusive to family members.

I try and focus on the ‘bigger picture’
So in my case (and it will be different in other families) they are generally doing ok academically. they’ve got nice friends, they are not drinking/on drugs. Overall they are going in the right direction. at times they get shouty and I get upset but overall it’s ok. My overall plan is to keep communication open. This may involve late night listening to them, hosting their friends and other inconveniences. At times for me I choose not to nag about some of the messes they make.
It’s their home too not just mine and dh’s house!

Other people online/social media might give the impression that it’s all going beautifully for them and if that’s true I’m happy for them. However perhaps it would be more sensitive to be mindful that not everyone is experiencing this. (Reminds me of smug parents of babies who are good sleepers - and think the rest of us don’t know what we’re doing!)

You can control how you react. Of course you can't control another person. You just have to keep those boundaries in place. It may make the other person's behaviour worse for a bit.

But for your own sense of self you need to think no I will not accept this.

Thank you. I do try and focus on the good stuff. She doesn't go out, has good grades etc. just hurts as her mum, I know it's part of pulling away and becoming independent but it really hurts

I think it's important not to agree with the lazy trope that all teenage girls are horrible.

I know they're not all horrible. Dd1 has given us no trouble

Maybe she needs to go out?

Yes I think she'd benefit from seeing her friends but she has isolated herself

She sounds desperately unhappy OP. I feel for both of you.

I try to encourage her to see friends and she does have them, she's told me she doesn't reply to their messages for two weeks so not sure how long she will keep them which is sad

I was thinking that was rather a harsh comment, until I realised you had written trope not trollop 😱

That's possibly not true though.

Op do the journal anyway even if it's just you writing in it and her reading it.Take her on car journeys even if she has her headphones in.Ask if she needs a cuddle bit respect that she might not want it and don't take it personally. She might not be able admit she likes your attention but they need us as much as they did as teens as as babies.

@Whale80ne
i loved your post it really resonated with me (from my perspective as a mum of teen girls and a mental health professional who works with 17 years+)

some of the older teens of course have issues with the parents and I despair at some of the aggro and attitudes (to be clear the attitudes of the parents not the young people)

Sorry but girls or boys it's the luck of the draw.

My DS eldest was amazing zero drama and a dream

DS 2 is almost 17 now and we've had 3-4 years of him being a rude, entitled, nasty little prick. He's caused us nonstop arguments as my DH was not prepared or able to cope with the change, so I've had to teach him how to parent differently but afraid he defaults to shouting and loosing his shit.

He's challenged all parts of my brain for the last 4 years.

I call him out for being rude ask for him to apologise, I've remained strick, I've kept my boundaries and I've battled through this.

I find it really hard to like him at times. But I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

It's so so hard, he was a tricky toddlers as well.