Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

Honestly if I go near her, stroke her hair or anything, she is repulsed

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Just-Between-Us-No-Stress-No-Rules/dp/0811868958/ref=asc_df_0811868958/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697333251527&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4988388999052862524&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006512&hvtargid=pla-331219133959&psc=1&mcid=cd4c9829372e3936a9e17dbc5cf9a0ca&th=1&psc=1&gad_source=1

This is the one we used.Just a suggestion.It's so bloody hard having an unhappy teen.

Thank you but that just made me cry looking at that. We are so far from this

Between 14-18 I was a vile ungrateful cunt through no fault of my poor mum and dad.It certainly wasn't my upbringing.
I got in with the wrong crowd and i deeply regret it.
I came out the other side at 18 thankfully.

You keep repeating that she’s restricting food and you’re worried about this. Are you worried she’s developing an eating disorder?

I was anorexic as a teen and young adult, the best thing my parents did for me through that period was 1) let me eat what I would eat and make sure there was plenty of that in the house 2) never pressured me to eat 3) sent me to a private psychotherapist

I will freely admit I was horrible to live with at that time, but I had crap going on that no one knew about and I wasn’t able to process.

That does not mean all teenagers girls are vile. My female cousins and nieces have all been lovely through their teenage years.

The question about her seeing me upset. I don't want her to because my mum always cried and it became about her. I wasn't even bad. I don't want it to be about me

This is very useful thank you.
Every day we have to find and talk about what she will eat, I go out of my way to get the food she wants so she doesn't go crazy at me.
I am going to ask her again about a psychotherapist, she admitted she's down and has a referral to CAMHS

OP, I’m really sorry to hear how hard it is at the moment. In my experience the eating disorder might be causing all the negative behaviour. There’s a really helpful support thread which I recommend having a look at www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/5033256-support-thread-12-for-parents-of-young-people-with-an-eating-disorder

cliche to suggest - but have you ever considered ADHD? Very common ADHD trait to not respond to messages. It’s so under diagnosed in girls.

Just a thought, as there is already identified autism in the family, is it possible that she is autistic too? The food issue could be ARFID in that case. Something to consider…

Have you explored if she is ND? Emotional dysregulation, struggling to communicate via text , greater struggled when teenage years, challenges with food are all key signs of ADHD.

The way you’re describing your daughter is like you’re describing my brother and me. My brother was identified as SEN at school and received a lot of support, esp from parents. I didn’t find out I was autistic and have ADHD until my 30s and really struggled. I attempted suicide at 14 as I felt abandoned at home.

And yes I am very concerned that she is developing an eating disorder. Please can you tell me how you got better?

I feel for you. Life with my DD17 has been an emotional rollercoaster! I have to fight hard not to take it personally but sometimes I just sit and cry. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My DD is nicer more often than not these days but when she's horrible I tend to just walk away and say "we don't speak to each other like that in this house". She calms down very quickly.

I second this. I have boys, but can relate. DS1 is an absolute angel of a child. Now almost 20 & has never had a hormonal moment ever, in fact he smiles constantly- he loves everyone & everyone loves him. Very high achiever. DS2 has got double hormones! 17.5 & it's not really abating. The texting/ talking in the car (no eyecontact) & having strong boundaries all rings true here. I know he feels the pressure in the footsteps of 'Mr Perfect brother ' (in his eyes), but we constantly give him opportunities to just be himself. He has ADHD & is definitely younger emotionally (despite being outwardly mature as he's so tall & muscular). It's bloody hard, though. I've told him once he 'Behaved like a total arsehole '- it was true & he got over it.

Good luck.

Each update you write I could have written myself.

honestly all of it sounds like it’s the eating disorder, it feel like more but lack of food means lack of sleep and lack of energy and makes them angry makes them want you to just not touch them. For 6 months my DS never said I love you back. He did last week. There is light at the end of the tunnel OP

Mine were easy as teenagers.

But that was because their dad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic and they were scared of him, so I was their safe place. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
By the time we got rid of him they were 15 and 17, very mature for their age so in a way they never really got to be proper teenagers at all.

I don't really think it's down to parenting how easy or hard the teenage years are, it's just luck of the draw, or lack of it.

If she's not going out or talking to her friends, how is she spending her time? Could she be communicating online with someone that she shouldn't be?

I'm sorry I made you cry op.My DD was 14 at the time and really, really difficult to be around.Under CAHMS, self harming.She is 17 now.We have come through it and she is delighted and loving now.Still won't be touched- has ASD mind.The journal really helped us at the time but I get it's not the same for you.I hope she gets some help from CAMHS soon.

The best advice I can give you is don’t react to her attitudes to food - like a duck and let it roll off you back whilst you frantically paddle underwater.

Obviously I’m not saying let her treat you like crap. Just take away all emotion and pressure from food.

If you can afford to go private - do it.

I was a horrible teenager. It was the age when I started to notice that my parents preferred my brother to me. I’m not sure which came first but I do remember the frustration of being treated differently and always feeling like nothing I did would impress them as much as my brother, and that was before the drinking, stopping out, swearing, failing everything at school etc started. My parents would always deny it of course.

What consequences does she have?

What is expected of her and what does she expect of you?

You tell her she's not behaving properly and she's upsetting you. If you have any control put in some limitations, money, phone or whatever leverage you have. You are allowed a life too and tell her so, it's not all about her.

Are you sure she is not being bullied or enduring name calling at school? That can change the entire personality of a child, make them very angry and abusive to those closest to them. Is she quiet/shy and unlikely to answer back to bullies?

I think we escaped very lightly. No real problems from the four of them although dd did have some issues between 16- 18 being very moody but looking back was depressed and anxious. Hope things improve for those of you who are having difficult times.