Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

Yes I'm well aware that the hormones are all over the place my end too!

So you are both scared. Being anxious about her eating also doesn't mean you need to let her treat you like shit. Dies she have a counsellor?

Oh god. Our younger one has just turned 13 and it's like a switch has flipped. Her brother was awful for a while: it was like living with an abusive person in the house, hardly daring to speak to him for fear of setting him off. But then, he also had bad anxiety, which is now under control (thank you fluoxetine) and ADD (thank you delmosart) and ASD. Which is permanent obviously but I guess it comforted us to know why he couldn't be convinced he was in the wrong. Whereas with the younger one, it's baffling. And so hurtful. But we cling to the hope that it's temporary.

Right every time I'm going to say something from now on. Not walk out and sit in the car!

I am clinging to this hope! I miss her so much

I have told my DDs they have been a bitch before (I said it on a thread about swearing in front of your children and the mothers of toddlers were horrified). I have a 15yo and a 16yo. TBH they are pretty fab but like all teenagers they have their moments (DD1 has just invited all her friends to ours to watch the football tonight, I'm Scottish so not happy about this so we're eating Tapas tonight). I do like teenagers though, much prefer this stage to preschoolers, well, most of the time. DH I think preferred the adoration when they were little 😅.

So you are both scared. Being anxious about her eating also doesn't mean you need to let her treat you like shit. Dies she have a counsellor?

Just been referred to CAMHS. Refused counselling privately

The restricting food would be more worrying to me than being dreadful. Have you talked to her about that?

You need boundaries. Respect yourself. You can be very kind towards her and still not tolerate being spoken to like shit.

Yes, hence the CAMHS referral. Went to the gp. It is a horrible worry.

I really hate this kind of comment. Please stop stereotyping teenage girls in this awful negative way.

I'm very sorry if you and other posters are having a hard time with your teenage daughters, but teenage girls en masse are not "horrible". My dd is nearly out of her teens now and has been an absolute delight all through - self aware, thoughtful and respectful towards those around her. Most of her friends are the same.

God it must be tiring hating English football so much!

I get that she is sad and obviously has some issues but she won't talk to me about anything at all. Just completely shuts me down. I'm not a horrible mum, it's heart breaking

Can you afford a private counsellor?

You would be surprised at how much calmer sorting out the hormones makes to your relationship, I was surprised.

I get the not eating, sadly my DS14 has developed disordered eating, we are doing what we can but it’s hard. He thankfully seems to be recovering. We went to CAMHS the ED section is a separate section and they are much quicker at reacting as it’s life and death.
toddlers are so much easier.

She doesn't have to talk to you about things if she doesn't want to. But you have to make it clear that you have a line and she cannot cross it.

Can just about afford private counselling but she refuses

She doesn't have to talk to you about things if she doesn't want to. But you have to make it clear that you have a line and she cannot cross it.

Yes okay, thank you for giving me the courage. I'm going to drive home soon and see how we go.

Teenagers are essentially overgrown toddlers. They lash out because they are incapable of communicating their feelings effectively.

Things that I’ve found helpful are

• Talk to them in the car, it takes the pressure off a bit
• Texting them can be a calmer way to communicate and sometimes it’s easier for them to open up.
• Praise literally any good things you can
• Draw your hard boundaries and then let the rest wash over you.

They do come out the other side it just takes time and patience.

Do you talk openly and honestly to her? Maybe write her a letter.

I try to, but I don't want to cry in front of her

I have teens...they can be utterly vile...it's like living with people who despise you yet constantly ask you to do stuff for them. Fun times! Sending you lots of sympathy

Up my DS refuses to speak to anyone about it too. He goes to CAMHS but doesn’t really engage but he’s scared to be banned from playing golf and football or being stopped
from going to lunch with his pals. That’s made the difference.

Yes exactly

Thanks, good tips, car doesn't work because she puts her headphones on lol