Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

I just had to comment on this and say I was that horrible teenage daughter. I feel horrendously guilty for it now - so rest assured OP that in a decade’s time it’s likely your daughter will too. I’m trying to think of anything my mum could have done to help, or to make me less angry at her all the time. I can remember the feeling so viscerally - I just found her so cold. Looking back, I’m certain she never took HRT and she was slap bang in the beginnings of menopause at this time which I really do think had an impact. She’d literally change her mind from encouraging me to do something one minute, to telling me off for doing it the next. So I think consistency is helpful.
Secondly, it sounds like your DD may be struggling with MH at the moment. I had horrific exam stress and constantly burst into tears thinking I wasn’t good enough. As an adult I’m horrified at how this wasn’t addressed as an underlying self esteem issue, or anxiety, or depression. My mum was desperately worried but it manifested as anger. I’d be there in full-on tears and she’d basically tut or just ignore it. So I think - whilst your DD will probably refuse to talk about it or get angry with you - please try and explain that you just want her to be happy and look to get her counselling of some sort. I think a lot of teenagers are quite desperately unhappy (I know I was, and it should’ve been pretty obvious to those around me)
All this to say that my mum did the best she could with what she had at the time, in really difficult circumstances cos I was horrible. Your DD will ultimately realise this too.

Neither. Set boundaries by all means, but don't call her an arsehole. I certainly wouldn't be pussyfooting around her. Ask her if she's ok? You think she's depressed and restricting food - get her into counselling asap!! She is communicating a struggle and you are taking it personally.

Not all teenagers are horrible. My three were/are lovely funny people. We’ve had issues with them, for sure, including eating disorder but they have never been disrespectful or rude.
It upsets me when people make blanket statements about teenagers.

This is spectacularly unhelpful. The whole point of the op is so she can express her frustration and upset about her teen’s behaviour.
of course not all teens are awful but many of them really really are.
lucky you for not having to deal with it.

I was a desperately unhappy and, at times, mean teenage girl. I had a lot going on and so did my mum and it was a perfect storm.

I was being bullied at school, was hanging around with people who weren't always good for me, was desperately lonely and looking for validation in a number of questionable sources. I hated my body - at times I thought I should have been a boy as my boobs were tiny and I hated how I looked. I had loads of stretchmarks from growth spurts and it made my school life hell during sports and swimming as kids are so cruel. My dad had had a new baby when I was 12 and I found that really hard and my mum hit her 40s when i was in my late teens and she was trying to date and was in my mind 'behaving like a teenager' and going out all the time. I didn't feel she was behaving like a 'mum' anymore.

My mum struggled with consistency - rules were arbitrary, I just wanted structure. I wanted meals at reliable times, I wanted rules and boundaries (even though I would have argued against them) - I desperately needed them. I wanted someone to tell me to turn my TV off, to put my phone down, to not go out, to do my homework. Your teenage brain is so underdeveloped that expecting them to be able to be little adults is pointless in many ways.

I would have really respected being consulted on rules and boundaries - e.g. to sit down and say 'what time do you think is acceptable to put your phone away? Why? how will we decide on this? How will we know it's working?' to collaborate with me and listen to me. I remember feeling like a total nuisance like my mum wanted to check out of parenting because I was 'grown' but I needed her now more than ever. I didn't feel she liked me very much and i felt like a bit of an inconvenience.

I also think that hormones affect a lot of teenage girls in a really really extreme way. I had the worst periods when i was a teen and of course I knew no different but I think if I'd sorted out my hormone levels I wouldn't have felt quite so depressed, upset and out of control in my own body as I did. Instead I got given antidepressants which were not the solution I needed.

I didn't get an eating disorder but I did self-harm. It only stopped when I had therapy consistently over time. I needed to learn to like myself independent of others validation and that took a long time. I was a typical 'over achieving, perfect' kid pre-teen years and god it was exhausting trying to keep up with that as I became a teen. I just didn't feel like I could stand up against anyone's expectations of me and I was so so tired from trying.

Being disrespectful and rude is pretty normal with Anorexia. We got told by professionals it’s the ED and malnourished brain that are talking. My dd physically lashed out, threw plates of food over the wall, ran away, was awful in meetings to me( because I was challenging the ED) etc. Interestingly when treatment style was changed and she was given more control things improved a lot.

We have 3 who are now 20s plus, DSD, DSS and DD. The girls were awful, DSD was horrible to everyone especially her own mum and her Dad, I kept out her way as much as I could, she ended up living with us for last 3 years of her teens as her Mum couldn’t take any more. DSD was fine, not much conversation but not difficult. Youngest DD was better than DSD and her moods were more obviously connected to unhappiness and anxiety related to friendship groups, social media etc. We still have flare ups with both girls, out of nowhere, and its related to periods of unhappiness so its worth establishing what else is going on with DD2, you are likely bearing the brunt of other issues.