Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

Your post clearly illustrates how ignorant you are as regards handling ND and an ED.

”I wouldn’t fear her not eating”

Trust me you would when she’s in HD with a dangerous heart rate needing to be force fed by tube. I never found acceptance of my daughter’s body looking skeletal or of her being terrified of food. Anorexia takes hold quick. A malnourished brain is very hard to turn round particularly when in the head of a ND child with a fixed mindset.

There is no place for smuggary on this thread. Perfect parenting is pretty meaningless when you have a ND teen with an ED.

@PeloMom

people like to express affection for those they love. Most children need that kind of physical touch.

Of course you fucking do. It's obviously an OP problem. If it was YOU, her DD wouldn't exhibit such behaviour, you simply wouldn't ALLOW it.

I do have a ND teen with a ED fyi. And with respect I am not at all ‘ignorant’ in the handling of either of those situations. I handle them on a daily basis. But fear is not part of my parenting strategy, nor is it part of the incredible team that supports my DD.

Why? Crying is a normal emotion.

Bully for you. Fear is a perfectly reasonable strategy and one my DD’s team understood and validated.

Seriously? Bully for me? This isn’t a parenting competition. And there was no smugness on my part whatsoever. Parenting is hard whether there are ND, ED, and any of the other external factors that affect teenagers today - many that I personally did not have to contend with. I did not say that fear should not part of a strategy, nor should it be dismissed. What I said was it is not part of my parenting style. I personally prefer to replace fear with faith but I do respect everyone’s differences. Something you appear not to …

As someone who had disordered eating I was horrid as a teenager - partly if she's restricting there's stuff going on but also some of t will be she's permantwky hungry and stressed around food it will affect her mood. Even though I've largely recovered if my eating disorder flares up even now I know I become worse mood and unpleasant. It sounds like if she's refusing a private counselling she's in the denial phase. I wotkd access support for yourself B-EAT Iis a national charity and offer support gor families. That will give you support and coping mechanisms. It's great despite everything you are trying to support her despite everything. Where I live we have a carers course for families of people with Ed called walking on eggshells which sums it up ! Good luck x

I’m in the lucky camp for sure …….it didn’t happen by accident! But I do believe that parenting plays a part. Sorry OP it just does. I have DDs 14 & 16 and I’m a single parent. They are respectful, helpful and genuinely nice people but they need strong boundaries. I’m not here to be their bestie. I’m here to make sure that they are guided into being decent human beings that can function in the world when I’m not the captain of the ship. I find that comes from modelling good behaviour, putting in place consequences if boundaries/rules are not adhered to and always respecting them and their feelings as individuals. I’ve attended three parenting courses to date …::

Pure smuggary.

ND differs- a lot!

Less of the animal slurs 🙄

I also like to express myself with affect but consent matters. For me is the violation of boundaries and assumption that because she’s my mother anything goes. If I say’please don’t touch me’ 5 mins later she’ll touch me again instead of respecting it. When I was younger instead of saying anything I’d move away and she’d just moved closer and do it again. So over time I came to hate it. It’s the lack of respect for me.

Quite.
Having clean clothes is not a reward for being 'good', it's a normal thing you do when you choose to have children.

i feel for you. My own daughter was a hormonal temperamental nightmare with loads of anxiety from 12 until 18 when she left home to go to university. She now appreciates how good she had it. I was firm. Let her know when she had crossed the line. I did offer the choice of going to live with her grandad on more than one occasion. She also had the choice to cook her own meals if she didn’t like what I did. That was pretty effective. She is now lovely - on the whole.
my step daughter was a living horror. You name it she did it. I was the wicked step mum. She hates me. Now at 21. She has said I was awful to you. I’m sorry. I’m not a nightmare now. I felt safe as you would never give in to me (hee mum did)

don’t give up op. These years pass. They are awful going through them but they pass too quickly

@SpiritOfEcstasy your first post was indeed smug & unhelpful.

This is a really interesting thread. Sorry OP I haven’t read all the posts-will have a go later. But a lot resonates with me. My DD is (not diagnosed) ND and had terrible food phobia as a toddler that drove me mad and made her ill. Also had a horrible period of self harming as a young child around 3-7yrs old. It does sound like your DD has some MH stuff here. So maybe OCD and maybe some ND stuff as well as hormonal stuff making it worse? Possibly depression and anxiety too which can be medicated/treated in adolescence. The not responding to friends messages for weeks really sounds like anxiety and depression. How are her periods? Those could be causing her problems. Definitely will help trying to get to the bottom of those issues..also I absolutely recommend HRT for you if you’re not already doing that-absolutely world of difference for you to be able to cope and think more clearly. For us I just had enough of what I perceived as hatred and just told her and I did cry and rage in front of her fairly often. She was always shocked and I think surprised I was upset. She seemed to realise something and did adjust her behaviour. She still looks at me as though I’m an idiot and I do get sworn at if I try and talk to her when she doesn’t want to. I don’t walk on egg shells around her but I do respect her privacy and I respect she needs alone time too. I try and help her with things like organising herself when she feels overwhelmed. Echo what someone said about sport. Sports are a lifesaver for both mine. In fact sports stop my DD from self harming. I always offer both my kids choices of what food they like. I’m not worried about exactly what kind of food they eat but don’t let them miss meals. There is a great book about this-I’ll link if I find later. I want them to eat as healthy as possible but eating all meals whatever they are is a priority over a particular choice I might want. If that means different meals for all so be it. My DD does not like to be touched or looked at and on occasion I’ll sit next to her or touch her hair briefly and tell her how great she is. She looks at me like an alien but sometimes says thanks. You’ve just got to remember how amazing they are and remember how much you love them and show that to them. Don’t need to take bad behaviour though. Show them when they hurt you. Don’t hide your sadness. Don’t go to the car to cry. Cry right in front of her. That’s reality. It’s hard to show our kids we are vulnerable but if we don’t they don’t know we are. Anyway sorry for the ramble. And different people respond to different things so this just a bit of my story. Hope it gets better for you both. And don’t give up on your relationship!

Wait til you are in the car on a journey somewhere and have the conversation that needs to happen. No direct eye contact and nowhere to run to. Explain how her behaviour makes you feel. Teenagers carry a lot of baggage they are reluctant to share with parents as they navigate the wider world and their peers. Be sure she fully understands the impact her behaviour is having on you both. The setting the boundaries rule is important if you are going to move forward- save that for a second ‘conversation’ after she has had time to reflect. Remain calm. Easier said than done but you will come through it at some point. Good luck. ( I worked for 20 years with school refusers and excluded kids as well as my own four )

initiating a difficult conversation while driving isn’t a panacea/magic bullet, or even a safe idea for some.

Sadly, not all DC and families ‘come through it’.

Sometimes a drive is helpful but when my daughter is at her worst there’s no way I could even get her in the car.
most of the time if I do manage to give her a lift she will have her airpods in or have the music up loud in the car.
on occasion if something has displeased her in the car she has got out, once in the middle of the road.
the ‘refusal’ dynamic-school, sports, days out, food, essential appointments etc. is fucking hard.

I bought it on amazon on my kindle app for £8.49.

@RazzleDazzleEm or if you mean "the year I didn’t eat" it was £7.99 and worth every penny too

Google Pathological Demand Avoidance and see if it fits.

My kid is much younger, but she says stuff to me that people would consider awful but I hear it as anxiety and unmet need.

If she started telling me she hates me (or whatever - probably worse) I'd start looking out for things that might be wrong - has something upset her, is she struggling with a sensory thing? How is she feeling in her body?

Try not to take it personally, even though I'm sure what she says is deeply personal and hurtful. Imagine she's feeling what she's making you feel and she doesn't understand why and she doesn't know how to talk about it.

My take on it is that I doubt it's deliberate or conscious. Even though it probably feels like it is at times.

Have you sat down and taken the time to try to talk to her? Sit there, not necessarily hugging, but just sit with her and saying ‘I know you have a lot going on at the moment and that you probably have a lot of feelings, when you are ready I would really like to listen’. Then if she comes to you to talk you do just listen, don’t have an opinion unless she asks for one. Don’t try and solve something unless she asks you to.

if that doesn’t work the line you need is;

’I am sure you didn’t mean to speak to me quite so disrespectfully then, let’s pause this conversation for now and when you are in the right place to be more respectful come and find me’. Remove yourself.

When she comes back and is polite then you offer help.

@sassyclassyandsmartassy some kids will simply not stick around to hear what you have to say - that’s a big part of the problem.

My 16 yo dd with anorexia is being treated as if she has PDA. She says the most awful things, which I just have to ignore and I agree, it’s anxiety, unmet need and absolutely how she’s feeling herself.

I work in a CAMHS service and I think it will be very helpful once you get it. Lots of different interventions on offer and they will try to find what works for you an your DD.
Given that your other DD has ASD could this also be the case for this one. It is often missed in the other child if it presents differently, just got me thinking what you said about foods and timings.

You might have a google of NVR parenting program. It puts you back n control as a parent but also gives strategies for de escalation and parental presence. It also talks about doing acts of kindness such as leaving a chocolate or a note on their pillow, this interrupts the downward spiral of they do something bad, you tell them off / punish and then they feel bad and lash out again.
The parents we teach it to have found it really helpful.
you sound lovely and your daughter knows deep down that you love her but she may not love herself much at the moment and this may be why she is hitting out.

you will get through this and come out the other side