Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

I've read every post on here and just offering solidarity.

To every person that says 'well I just wouldn't stand for it' Honestly what do you think you'd do differently? What gives you the moral high ground to assume people just need to do better? How dare you?

I have got 2 very different teenagers. One is so much easier to parent than the other. I'm not going to congratulate myself on that one doing great because I know it's just luck.

So to the 'boundaries and consequences' posters I would invite you to reflect on how bloody unhelpful your advice might be.

I like the PP noting on here about how often you read people going NC as adults. So perhaps the consequences of 'not taking any shit' mean you might sacrifice your relationship later on.

If she did that at school she'd be arrested and charged with criminal damage and rightly so.

I'd have called the police on her tbh.

She'd get nothing out of me ever again for Christmas or birthday for that behaviour.

It's a teenage thing, I presume. Don't worry, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

The post below mine literally says

"Tell her she is being unspeakably horrible and if she continues she'll be going to school without her clothes washed it anything done for her ever again."

All that approach will do is create lifelong resentment.

If your DD has an eating disorder, this is going to impact her mood and behaviour massively beyond ordinary teenage hormonal mood swings. It is great that you are getting specialist help. In the meantime, hang on in there. Be kind and loving and supportive - though not a doormat. She is not well and she needs you even if she acts like she doesn't. Also take good care of yourself. Cry in the car as much as you need to.

Mine isn’t horrible but is so emotional and over reacts to everything. She has anxiety and OCD and needs help and reassurance with everything. She has meltdowns all the time. I don’t blame her, it breaks my heart to see her so unhappy, but it is very draining and difficult and really wears me down. I have to have so much patience. I miss the younger years too.

I have four daughters; two teens and two bonus daughters who’re now in their twenties. I learned a lot from my bonus daughters when they were teens (which was really tough) and I have an amazing relationship with both my teen daughters as a result.
Firstly, it’s not personal. Keep saying that to yourself. It’s not that they’re trying to give you a hard time, it’s because they’re having a hard time.
Secondly, do everything you can to build your connection because they really do need you, they just don’t know how to be with you.
I try to always approach any situation with a curious mind, rather than judgement. I try to notice everything they do right, and give them generous feedback when they do things wrong. I do have boundaries, and they are very clear, but I’m prepared to discuss them ans negotiate if necessary.

I get things wrong often, but I admit my mistakes and my girls say it makes them feel safer admitting their own.

Those are my top tips. I have a podcast called Teenagers Untangled in which I talk a lot about parenting teens, and all of the research I’ve done for it has really helped me feel less alone in this journey,

Our once beautiful and happy boy turned 13 and turned quite toxic. It’s been rough and keeping a level head is hard. He wants attention all the time, then he speaks to you like shit on a shoe. Very manipulative, fussy and he stinks. Attitude and his arm pits. Hang on in there. I’m expecting more to come.

I'm glad this has come up. In the same boat here and I can't fathom how horrible family life has been this year because my 12 yr old eldest daughter has had a whole personality change :( I've asked for school support, family services and now have an appointment booked with the GP because we just can't carry on like this. Although now reading this post I worry it's just 'normal' and be laughed out the room..

we have had a really hard time with DC1 & mental health. Far, far harder than anything else we’ve experienced as parents.

& with some surprising ‘added treats’ (not)! I hadn’t anticipated the return of sleep deprivation, for one thing!

An eating disorder could give rise to many of the behaviours you mention, OP. perhaps it could even be the main issue?

I sent my DD (now 25) a video of her from 10 years ago where she's behaving like Kevin the teenager. Her reply: "what the actual fuck was my problem?" She was genuinely shocked by her own behaviour.

Teenagers can be horrific but I found that a combination of clear, hard boundaries and laughing off the stuff that was "under" my boundary threshold helped. Essentially, try to not sweat the small stuff and choose your battles wisely.

Feel for you OP

I was reading the start of this thread and thinking exactly the same thing. Do posters really not have any self awareness that things are not always the same for others as it is for them and just count themselves lucky that the teen years have not been tricky? Plus have a little empathy for the OP who is struggling and sounds like she is trying her best in a difficult situation. No one gives you a handbook on parenting and we all just muddle along in the best way we can.

Having two kids now in their early twenties and looking around at my peers. I can see lots of different experiences, some who have had model teenagers and others who have had a more rocky time. However, just because your teenager has been pleasant and well mannered to you does not mean that things can not alter further down the line. I have had friends whose twenty somethings have dropped out of uni, had bad relationships etc etc it is like boasting about your baby sleeping through the night at 8 weeks, you just don’t know what is around the corner!

I hope things improve for you OP and hopefully at some point you will be able to look back at this period of time and laugh. I would reconsider HRT so you don’t take everything so seriously and to be able to calm anxiety. Also find some interests and hobbies of your own that give you an outlet and make day to day life less of a battle. Good luck.

I don’t have teenagers yet but I was awful to everyone when I was teenagers, done everything possible to rebel but now looking back it was complete insecurity in who I was so would push as much as I could, to see who genuinely loved/cared about me. I have an amazing relationship with my mom now but it took some time and a lot of self reflection.

F11 I remember crying every day when my foster daughter was in the early teenage years. She is generally fine now, still lives at home and we go out together etc.

It was hard as I'd not had children before and she came aged 1 after I'd retired at 56.

Has something happened to her that you are not aware of that she can't speak about - you haven't said her age. If she won't speak to you then ask school to get involved maybe? Given her sister is Autistic then she is without doubt a very sensitive person because your comment of no drama is totally incorrect with regards to that child - every single day is a drama for parents with an autistic child if things are not done they way they want. The cold response is that you and your husband have probably totally ignored her over the years and spent all your energy on your autistic daughter. If this is the case, then this unloved child - in her mind - is rebelling. As a family you need counselling - as a mother you should be able to fix it - you don't mention her father and whether or not she has a good relationship with him. Either way it appears your daughter feels unloved and on her own. Assume you are already in a group that has Autistic children and the affect it can have on other children? Give this child a break and tell her you love her. How old is she?

It is so hard with some teenagers, not all. Been there. Too many tears cried and unhelpful shouting matches. But it does get better. Found aged 21, we all turned a corner.
Keep the faith in them, even when you don’t like them (that’s hard to admit, but can be true). More importantly, keep the faith in yourself. You’ve done nothing but try to care for them.
Annoying thing is when they’re out of this daft phase, they will tell you they didn’t do anything that wrong and were having a great time! 😳

Oh OP, sounds awful for you. I do think you need to say something every time. "Your language is abusive and I don't accept being spoken to that way." / "You're allowed to be angry but not to be abusive/controlling/violent." / "I need you to stop speaking to me that way before I can discuss your request for X." That sort of thing - clearly stating boundaries but trying to keep blame and hurt out of it. Continually asserting that you expect a certain standard of communication to be met but not being manipulative or passive aggressive about it.

If you cry, you cry. It's normal to cry in response to abusive behaviour. Actions have consequences. You don't have to make it all about you being a victim, but it's fine to let her know that her actions have caused hurt.

I agree with pp about the the journalling. She will probably tell you it's a crap and stupid idea but you could still do it anyway. I expect she will really cherish it if you write simple, sincere things about good memories you have with her, funny stories and so on. She may begin to open up to you in writing.

Texting is also good for this. Much easier for some people to talk this way.

She does love you, OP. Remember that. She loves you loads and she is going through a tough time. Keep the boundaries strong and keep trying.

I used to teach teenage girls. It always amazed me how they could be hell on wheels during years 7-11 and swan back in after GCSE with a smile from ear to ear, and lovely manners. They would be pleasant, and embarrassingly grateful if you offered help with personal statements and so on. "Aw, Miss, and I used to be such a little cow!"

Our daughter is 21 now and is the absolute light of my life… from 14 things were incredibly hard, she developed anorexia, one of the things that really helped, she enjoyed cooking was she started prepping her own meals so she had control over what was in them, she started going to a therapist each week which we paid for, she finally saw CAMHS and one of the things they did was she started anti depressants as her mood was incredibly low, they helped eventually. We tried to remove any pressure around food, what she would eat would change but while it was a particular thing we had good stock of it, (she would usually change once you’ve just stocked up) she found it much easier to eat in private so started to have her meals in her room, she only started eating with people I would say in the last 2-3 years, she hated family meals she would be very anxious and get distressed it was difficult at times like family events but Covid helped as we couldn’t do as much. She started going to the gym and saw a trainer she helped hugely by saying that she had to eat a basic amount to train which she rigidly adhered to at first but her obsession switched to training and fitness. She is now in recovery and eats really well, she still dips under times of stress her eating will be the first time to stop but she sees it and acknowledges it herself. You might find making her own meals and eating privately will help x

I would approach it 2 ways.
firstly it sound like you are grieving - your child has changed and you miss your daughter and the role you had in her life. I understand I felt exactly like this when mine was 12. I missed the caring thoughtful chatty joyous kid she was. That was about me and I had to move past that (therapy/chatting whatever it takes)
secondly you daughter needs professional help and I am so glad you are trying to access this. be prepared she may get worse before she gets better and that NHS resources are stretched. In the interim maybe use the aforementioned therapist to help with strategies to boundary set.
i hear you and im sorry your going through this. You sound like a great mum trying to navigate a very difficult situation.

Oh God yes, sleep deprivation. That for me is one of the hardest things. The days when my primary school-aged children were all in bed sleeping by 9pm, giving me a couple of hours peace and solitude downstairs, seem like a distant dream. I am naturally a lark and I really, really hate the body clocks of teenagers.

Hugs to OP x
I have been through the teenage years with 3 girls and all were different.
One typical teen , so basically ok but a lot of back chat and a little bit of drinking ( but she did tend to be the one who looked after her friends rather than the one who was drunk )
Another teen with anxiety , however she was no trouble at all and lovely to be around .
And another who was / is very loving but we were dealing with ASD and all that can go with that ! She did cause trouble 🤯but she was never nasty to me .
I would definitely draw boundaries, she can’t be nasty to you .
But always letting them know they’re loved and you will always be there for them

I have to be up for work just before 6am (and to get my youngest up for his bus - he could get up alone but I'm soft I guess and like to be about to chat or just be around if he wants to ask about anything/ tell me anything before he leaves in the morning) so when one of the others is out til 3am and I can't sleep properly until I know they're safely home it takes a toll on my nearly 50 year old self which does remind me a little bit of the baby and toddler years when one in particular was a poor sleeper and sometimes I'd feel as though I'd just got to sleep when the early bird eldest got up ...

BUT none of that is actually the kids' fault (either in the baby- toddler -preschool years or now!)

It's hard because it's a hard life phase but the kids are by and large lovely now and were lovely then. It's stressful and tiring but not because of anything they do wrong, just because parenting is. It's also worth it IMO and if we didn't care I guess it'd be easier because we'd worry less (the worrying helps nobody anyway so it'd be a good thing!)

I think it's important you sometimes share your emotions with her. Don't hide your upset.

Especially if she's got mental health issues herself, she needs to know its ok to be sad sometimes and everyone feels different emotions sometimes.

Good luck