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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

357 replies

F11 · 14/07/2024 15:55

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 14/07/2024 19:53

Bloodydaft12 · 14/07/2024 19:36

I'm going through similar with my 14 DD. I've spent sleepless nights with the police out trying to find her so many times. She even jumped out of a 2-story window so she could go out. She has autism and ADHD. She has an unhealthy "obsession" with friendships. Something we are working on through therapy. She is absolutely vile to me. It's honestly broken us. We are hitting nearly 2 years of this, and I am just absolutely numb now. I have tried every version of parenting you can think of. She has plenty of support. Nobody knows why she's doing this. There's no abuse or bullying. No trauma in her life.

I'm worried for her for her future. I'm worried about if our relationship will recover. I'm just exhausted and numb. It's like we are in an abusive relationship that we can't escape. Me and her father are just broken.

I hope you find some sort of peace soon.

That sounds truly awful.
My neighbours who fostered and adopted difficult teens actually stopped fostering teenaged girls as they couldn't keep them safe- for reasons you mention.

Literally the girls would bust out of windows to get to be with ''boyfriends'' who were most likely groomers.

Police out looking, but only half heartedly as the girls were so obsessed with their ''boyfriends''. {Older men with cars}

These men can spot a vulnerable and ''needy'' teen at 100 paces, and home in like an Exocet missile.

Boys were easier to manage.

Hope things somehow improve for you all.

User01965 · 14/07/2024 19:53

Hello I was the teenage daughter from hell and put my parents though hell. However, I am now a model adult with a good relationship with my parents 😊

OrangeKettle · 14/07/2024 19:54

OP, I was going to post here recently regarding my daughter but was scared of the judgement.

Posters saying “have hard boundaries, do this, do that”.
It doesn’t work (for me/us).

A poster above said “refuse to do anything, e.g. washing, so she’ll go to school in dirty uniform”
That wouldn’t work. My daughter would just refuse to go to school. She is currently on 68% attendance.

I feel like a shit mum. Friends have asked how I cope. Antidepressants seem to be working for me to an extent.

My daughter is 13. She is vile, hurtful, rude, violent, selfish, abusive. If she was a friend or partner, she’d be long gone. She is a rude, facetious shit at school.

I let her go to friends for sleepovers, because it’s the only respite her sister and I get (I’m a single mum).

She smashed her iPhone (accidentally) so it was replaced on insurance. Two weeks later, she thew the new one down on the floor in a rage, and smashed it completely, because I had put screentime on.

She’s slapped me recently. When she was younger she threatened me with knives.

I get called cunt, bitch, retard, fat cow, etc.

She has tried to jump out of my car while I was driving. Grabbed the steering wheel another time.

Found a shop that sold her vodka and got drunk on it in a park recently.

Awaiting private assessments for “undiagnosed learning needs” (school’s words) that my parents have kindly said they’ll pay for. Still on waiting list for camhs and counselling.

She has been fairly awful since birth but always manageable. Now, it’s another level.

Her 10 year old sister is a dream. Always has been.

My partner is amazing and ignores the tantrums and helps out with things she wants to do. I guess to try and win her over.

DreamTheMoors · 14/07/2024 19:55

F11 · 14/07/2024 16:17

Okay I get that it's my fault. I have been pandering to her because she won't eat if I don't give her the food she will eat.

Remember that movie “Mommie Dearest?” Joan Crawford made her daughter eat bloody raw steak (it was gross) for breakfast the next morning because she didn’t finish her supper the night before. And then for lunch.
NO WIRE HANGERS!!!
Remind your daughter that life with you could be sooo much worse and she should really lighten up.
Immediately.

Delphiniumandlupins · 14/07/2024 19:56

ChampagneLassie · 14/07/2024 19:10

My parents weren’t great and TBH if I’d behaved badly as a teen I know they’d have kicked me out. I worked for SS for a short while and some teens did get kicked out for this; if she knew this was a threat would that change things? My LO is only 2 and I can’t imagine her being horrid but if she were I’d like to think I’d stand up to her

The problem with any threat is that it becomes powerless if you don't follow through. You might want to stand up to a horrible teenager but would you actually kick them out? And if you did, what kind of relationship do you imagine you would have in the future?

Sunshinebutterflysandvodka · 14/07/2024 20:00

I hate it, I have dd13. I tried so hard for many years to be a good parent. I did all the things I should have. Now I’m the worst parent who can’t get her to school every day, I ground her and can’t get her to stick to it. I lock her phone and she finds other devices or uses friends phones. She screams at her sister my partner and myself, she slams doors for no reasons, she wants to drink and vape and hang around the streets.
12 months ago she was training in a competitive sport 3/4 times a week, getting top marks in her school test and now, no training and below average grades. I don’t even know what to do or how to help her. I feel she is going off the rails and I’m just watching

gardenmusic · 14/07/2024 20:01

oakleaffy,
Don't want to out myself, or derail but unfortunately we lost him to cancer. I'm fine, but it took me a while to stop raging at the injustice.
No grandchildren, but a wonderful DIL who has recently become engaged to a wonderful man.

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2024 20:01

NoraLuka · 14/07/2024 18:40

DD1 was awful from about 12 to 16, no drinking or anything just sheer relentless rudeness. I often used to sit and cry because it was so horrible and thankless (not when she could see me). I didn’t let her get away with things but it didn’t seem to sink in that she just couldn’t speak to me in such an awful way until suddenly, she changed at about 17 and is now ok.

Now it’s DD2’s turn although it’s a totally different kind of difficult and she isn’t doing it deliberately because she has depression/anxiety. Looking back DD1 was actually easier to deal with and I wish from the bottom of my heart that DD2 was being rude instead of sitting in her room 24/7 and not speaking to anyone.

I’ve had to make a conscious decision over the past year or so to look after myself and do things for me, because otherwise I’ll break down. In fact I still might!

Sending strength and positive thoughts to anyone else who is in the middle of it all!

Does DD1 know how bad she was and has she any explanation for it?

pandarific · 14/07/2024 20:04

@F11 i think a few people have said this, but I really think you may not have one ND child, you have two. Self knowledge could be really powerful for her - id have a look with her at some videos on high masking girls/women, you could say it is for you and you want her opinion etc?

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 14/07/2024 20:10

Are you sure she isn't Autistic too

The sudden change could
Indicate she can't mask anymore and restricted eating is a red flag to me

NoraLuka · 14/07/2024 20:17

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2024 20:01

Does DD1 know how bad she was and has she any explanation for it?

I’m not sure if she realises yet but she’s only just turned 18 and I’ve never tried to have a conversation about her past behaviour, I’m just glad it’s changed. Maybe one day in the future we’ll be able to talk about it. She must know her behaviour at home was unacceptable because she was always polite to friends’ parents - sometimes I bumped into her friends’ mum who’d tell me how lovely and helpful DD was and I genuinely thought she must be talking about someone else!

Arewethebadguys · 14/07/2024 20:19

I just wouldn't take it. Simple as that. You wouldn't tolerate abuse from a stranger in the street why would you accept that in your own home from family? No chance. I'm a softie sometimes but I'm not being spoken to or treated like a piece of shit for anyone. Tell her you're not accepting that behaviour, explain your boundary/consequence and stick to it.

CountryShepherd · 14/07/2024 20:20

F11 · 14/07/2024 19:26

CountryShepherd please can you tell me what route you took to get help and how long it took? What advice were you given?

Went to the GP re fast weight loss, (later than I should have, it suddenly just crept up on me that it had got out of hand). She had lost 2.5 stone in 2 months. GP was excellent as she was worried about potential damage to DD's heart and she pushed hard to have referred her to the local ED service. I think it took less than a fortnight for her to be assessed, and the assessor told her kindly but firmly that if she kept losing weight at the same pace, they would stop her going to school. That brought her up really sharp as she is academic and ambitious.

Family based treatment started about a fortnight later but tbh, she had already decided in her own mind that anorexia was not for her, the staff were excellent though. They gave me the confidence to manage more at home, eg not allowing physical exercise. I think by that time, she wanted the boundaries from me. The appointments lasted about 4 months.

The ASD referral process had been put in place by a locum GP we saw a year earlier. The waiting list was 2 years - she was diagnosed this summer. Tbh, I think it gave her the reassurance that she wasnt just 'weird' (her words!) ASD girls are over represented in people with eating disorders.

If you are worried about food restricting and any weight loss subsequently, I would flag it asap. Once it has a firm grip, it can be much harder.

DD restored an acceptable amount of weight, eats v regularly, still has anxieties but copes with them, she knows she has to eat well and regularly. She does a fair bit of exercise but not driven. I have hidden the scales despite requests to bring them out 'just to check'.

Getonwitit · 14/07/2024 20:22

Allthehorsesintheworld · 14/07/2024 18:24

Child 1 no problems at all as a teenager. Bit quick to be mouthy maybe around 14/15 but that was it.
Child 2 Started on the criticising, moaning at me. Took it too far after school pick up ( very rural so a 10 mile round trip for me after work ) so I stopped the car, out they went and had an almost 5 mile walk home.
Went a bit quieter after that.

You could try the good cop/ bad cop in one — I know it’s tough being a teen darling, it’s hormones, hard work at school, decisions to make. ( sigh for effect) I know how difficult it can be…,( harsh voice now) .. But I’m not being treated like shit any more. It stops now or you and I will fall out big time. Alright? We’re having pizza for dinner.

I love your style

BigButtons · 14/07/2024 20:22

Sorry @F11 it can be really really awful. So many threads on here go on about how wonderful their teens are. I have 6 dc 3 of them girls and they have all pushed me right to the edge. One broke the sitting room chairs into pieces- took them into the garden- wrote fuck you with them and sent me a photo of it.
Hellish.

Wholelotofcoffee · 14/07/2024 20:22

Arewethebadguys · 14/07/2024 20:19

I just wouldn't take it. Simple as that. You wouldn't tolerate abuse from a stranger in the street why would you accept that in your own home from family? No chance. I'm a softie sometimes but I'm not being spoken to or treated like a piece of shit for anyone. Tell her you're not accepting that behaviour, explain your boundary/consequence and stick to it.

All good in theory but if she has ASC and Anorexia boundaries and consequences will not necessarily be that effective.

DreamTheMoors · 14/07/2024 20:32

To all the struggling mums here - I’m so sorry. I’m sorry your kids are so awful to you. I don’t know why they’re so awful and I doubt they know why they’re so awful. I wish I could snap my fingers and magically make them all sweet and kind and loving and I wish I was able to send you all to Hawaii for 8 weeks for a nice relaxing break.
Sending love to each of you. ❤️

MWNA · 14/07/2024 20:32

sentfrmmyiphone · 14/07/2024 16:14

i have 2 DD's... never had a days bother with either of them behaviour wise (a few bumps along with way with MH issues) but they were awesome children.

So fucking unhelpful.

OrangeKettle · 14/07/2024 20:40

Arewethebadguys · 14/07/2024 20:19

I just wouldn't take it. Simple as that. You wouldn't tolerate abuse from a stranger in the street why would you accept that in your own home from family? No chance. I'm a softie sometimes but I'm not being spoken to or treated like a piece of shit for anyone. Tell her you're not accepting that behaviour, explain your boundary/consequence and stick to it.

That’s what I would have thought. Then I had her. And it’s all well and good saying that, but in reality it doesn’t work like that with some teens, as you’ve read in this thead.

Madlollyoftheshire · 14/07/2024 20:45

Just jumping on to say none of this is your fault - some kids are just like this, one of mine was and I totally relate to every word you wrote.

My eldest daughter was nothing like that but my youngest was challenging almost from birth.
youngest was always “strong willed” and disregarded pretty much any boundary we tried to set. She got worse around 9 and we experienced all the upsetting behaviour you described. Like you, I was in tears most days and felt utterly useless as a mother. If she saw me upset she was scathing - told me I was pathetic and needy. She wouldn’t spend time with us, eat with us or talk to us, unless she wanted something. She refused counselling.

People who have not experienced it often imply your boundaries, threats or punishments are not strong enough, but we tried every technique out there - none worked. Having said that, I would never have threatened to kick her out of her home - because I would have had to follow it through, and she would not have come home again. She dropped out of college and often wouldn’t get out of bed all day. COVID made things worse.

Eventually, I tried to overlook the worst behaviour, kept trying to talk to her each day (was mostly rejected) and took every opportunity to praise her and tell her we love her.

We had the same issue with food as you - if we didn’t cook for her, she simply wouldn’t eat - and she is VERY slim.

OP I am sure this is a phase which will pass. You are in the thick of it now and can’t see an end. Things started to improve with my daughter when she was around 17. It has been (still is) a very slow process, but she is now a LOT better - she is now 19, drives, has an apprenticeship and friends and is getting increasingly communicative with us. She is occasionally affectionate, which means so much!

I don’t know if it was hormones or life which made her temporarily vile, but she is definitely coming out the other side, and I think your daughter will too. Hang on in there OP. Do not blame yourself. Start each day afresh with your daughter. There is hope. Big hugs.

eijdsom · 14/07/2024 21:06

ByCupidStunt · 14/07/2024 15:58

My son was OK. My 2 daughters were unspeakably awful. So awful, it's changed who I am. Changed my whole personality, even 10 years later. I'm still wary of them.

I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting some lip, some staying out without permission, some boozing in the park with mates etc etc, but the open hostility, venom and hatred broke me.

This makes me so sad. I'm in my 30s, I consider myself a mild and reasonable person -- I can't remember the last time I exchanged cross words with anyone. My mum and I generally get on but she often treats me like I'm going to explode like constantly nervous and pre-managing my emotions me. I hate it so much - her anticipating me being angry when I wouldn't have been does make me irritable and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

You posting that message has made me realise for the first time that it probably all stems from my teen years when I was horrid to her and would snap for no reason. I don't recall being as awful as you describe your daughters being (but maybe I wouldn't - and I have lots of siblings so I'm sure the cumulative effect of having all of us get at her was horrid).

I hope there's a way for you to try and fix it with your daughters. I'm going to acknowledge it with my mum next time it happens and see if we can have a chat and improve things.

oapcarer · 14/07/2024 21:29

There is obviously a mental health issue going on here so standard parenting techniques are going to have limited success, if any at all.

Been there, done that. My daughter, who had never been easy, turned out to have undiagnosed ADHD and possible autism. She is 20 now and medicated for the ADHD and is totally a different person. I hope you get the help you need and soon. None of this is your fault. We did feel like total failures most of the time and that came from other parents and even professionals. Try to find one that gets you and DD.

My son is 15 and we get the standard rudeness and disobedience but nothing on the level with had with my daughter.

Decisionsdecisions1 · 14/07/2024 21:44

I’ve found my tribe. Thank you people. I see daughters being so sweet to their mums and it makes me want to cry.

oakleaffy · 14/07/2024 23:08

gardenmusic · 14/07/2024 20:01

oakleaffy,
Don't want to out myself, or derail but unfortunately we lost him to cancer. I'm fine, but it took me a while to stop raging at the injustice.
No grandchildren, but a wonderful DIL who has recently become engaged to a wonderful man.

Oh that is absolutely so horribly unfair.
It is an injustice.

You gave your lovely child who had a really tough start , love and stability.

You were lucky to have found each other.

Lucky you have a lovely Daughter in Law.

dottiehens · 15/07/2024 06:52

F11 · 14/07/2024 15:55

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

Hormones and wrong friends possibly . It is a lottery as friends become their priority. I understand exactly and hope it gets better soon for you.