Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

Why not? You should not be frightened of showing her how much she is hurting you. Teens do tend to see mum as just mum, not a person in her own right. She needs to see that you are vulnerable and hurting and that you don’t have all the answers, but you are willing to try. I was lucky with my two, but my daughter did have counselling and came out the other side. I never did find out why, but she’s now about to be a mum herself and we are great friends and enjoy each other’s company. Really hope it all sorts itself out for you.

I’ve brought up three kids through the teenage years and I am married to a consultant psychiatrist. Here is what I think. You are a great mum. Your daughter does not hate you. Your daughter is absorbing much more of what you say than you think. You need to pick your battles.
The biggest issue is the eating disorder. You need to absolutely nip this in the bud if you can. You absolutely need to keep her eating. Once ED gets a grip it is v hard to shake off and it is a terrible illness with one of the worst prognosis in mental health. (Apologies to all going through this but it is true, sadly).
You and your husband need to be on the same page with this and absolutely be a team. You need to sit down and agree the approach. Cook her favourite foods. Eat at the time she wants too. Take as much pressure off food as possible. Don’t make a big thing of it. If she is eating with you at the table, that is a big, big win. Do everything you can to keep mealtimes relaxed, fun and family oriented. Don’t focus on what she will or is not eating. Read everything you can on the subject. Seek out others who have recovered. See what advice might work for your daughter. Don’t rely on CAMHS to fix this. Be proactive. (Don’t be fooled by the cooking thing. Many anorexia patients love cooking and are feeders. They get huge pleasure from preparing food for others).
Do not take the vile outbursts at face value. She is lashing out at you because she can and because she is safe to do so as you love her unconditionally. She does not hate you. She hates herself. You really need to take the emotion out of it. Don’t cry. Don’t pander. Respect her physical boundaries. Don’t tread on eggshells. Pick your battles but set your own boundaries and ensure DH backs you up. she needs to know what is acceptable and what is not. If she says vile things, call her out. “I know you are angry/ upset/ overwhelmed but that was a really unkind thing to say to your sister/ your dad/ me. Words have consequences and you cannot always undo the harm they cause so please think before you say unpleasant things. If there is something bothering you or something you are worried about, you can always come to your dad or me and we will always have your back. We love you unconditionally but we will not accept unkindness/ swearing/ shouting or tantrums in the home. It is everyone’s place to relax and unwind”. Say this ad infinitum.
I guarantee if you keep saying this in a matter of fact, unemotional way, keep setting boundaries around sleep, screens, behaviour etc (whatever you agree with DP) she will hear you and while you might not see it at the time and she will push against it, she’ll respect you.
You have to be wholly consistent and on it. It’s exhausting but it will work and you will keep your relationship longer term. Basically, she needs to know you are in control, you have boundaries, you are not scared, you are the adult, you can demonstrate your love and you can handle things, including her at her worst. This is the nub of parenting. It is exhausting and you won’t have to be like this forever but it’s the way forward.
I expect you will discover, in time, that something else that she can’t control is happening- the most likely thing is that she is being bullied at school or controlled by a “friend”.
When my daughter was behaving in a controlling and rigid manner which made everyone in the house miserable it was because her best friend was self harming and threatening suicide. She was forbidden from telling anyone and the friend used this behaviour to control my daughter who was terrified.
Once an adult stepped in and said “this is not your responsibility. The adults will help friend” the relief was palpable but the damage had been done and it took a lot of talking and talking therapy to sort.
This too will pass but your daughter is in crisis. The best thing you can do is listen to everything she is telling you because the clue will be there. Hold on to the good times (taking selfies) don’t worry about yourself or make it about yourself (I think she must like me) just know that she is in turmoil. That there is a reason for it and that if you can find out why she is behaving this way, you can help her.
If she is being bullied take it seriously. Advocate for her. Let her know you have her back. Don’t blame her. She doesn’t want to be a monster. And she won’t be one forever. Good luck

Thank you for this, I feel exactly the same but could never actually describe it. But this is how I feel. They have broken me. I love them but fuck.

Damage is done though, and permanent, even if you don’t realise it.

I’d disown them.

Actions have consequences.

She sounds very unhappy. That’s a reason, but it’s not an excuse. You can be sympathetic and supportive to her without allowing her to behave abusively toward a you. Leaving the house will make her feel either like she’s ’won’ or like you’re not really in control of the situation - and she needs to know you’re in control so she can feel safe.

Firmly say ‘I appreciate that you’re really angry/frustrated/sad right now. I love you and I will help you in anyway way i can. But I will not tolerate being spoken to like that. I’ll talk to you when you’re calmer (or, if you’re upset, ‘when we’re both calmer’).

Repeat as necessary, calmly and without drama.

If you’re hesitant to set boundaries or show that you’re upset in front of her, think of it this way - by modelling to her that it’s ok for women to set boundaries about how they’re treated, say no, and show their feelings and advocate for their needs, you’re setting her up to do the same for herself in future.

My son developed an eating disorder at 16. He started 6th form, his girlfriend ditched him. Covid happened. He said he had man boob's. It was awful. School gave me advice on how to cook. I'm a good cook and cook low fat ways. I cook from scratch as well. I was beyond upset at him not eating, what he may of said and the school patronising me. I think he told school I was forcing him to eat fatty food. He got to the point he was never warm. He was terrible. He realised he had to eat, that his chest was the same etc. But he never let me cook for him. He became fixed on you tubers. I was an idiot blah blah. 4 years on, he is OKish. He has a hidden eating disorder now as we don't talk about it. He eats better, so he doesn't starve, he has beefed up so a lot heavier but he eats certain foods, certain ways. He won't just eat. He preps it all etc.
He went to Austrailia travelling a few weeks ago. I wonder how he is coping. But I can't ask. He doesn't allow conversations like that.
He was truly awful. It broke me..my eldest dropped out of university due to not coping with covid teaching. Then stopped talking to us for 18mth. These things have destroyed me. My youngest has just finished uni but scarred by the eldest, she has held us ransom in some respects. I am trying to do better and she abuses it.

My eldest now lives back at home..she is wonderful to me. But when things aren't going right there's a dread she will just up and leave and not speak to me..so I try to do everything to stop that happening.

So I understand you op. I understand why things are. I have sat on roadside crying my eyes out more times than I can count. And now if I see someone in distress I stop and ask if they are OK. Maybe they are like I was. And dome days I just wanted someone to tell me it would be ok and hug me.

Oh gosh, I was thinking this could be me and then I noticed the food restricting.

Dd1 stsrted like this, and it turned out had anorexia. With early and quick intervention she recovered. It wasn't the end of the MH problems, but at least that wasn't as difficult or intractable as EDs can feel.

I wish you all the best with it. Just remember when you're at those times when you're crying in the car and getting called all kinds of nasty and evil things - that was me too - that you are in fact the best parent of them all because you are having to go through so much. You are stronger, you are more resilient, not less. You have to be.

Try Partnering not Parenting on Facebook if things get really bad. Its part of parenting mental health. Take a deep breath first though, it's not an easy path.

PS it gets better. It's still not perfect but it's better 🙏

I’m in the lucky camp for sure. And there’s not an ounce of smug in that statement because it didn’t happen by accident! But I do believe that parenting plays a part. Sorry OP it just does. I have DDs 14 & 16 and I’m a single parent. They are respectful, helpful and genuinely nice people but they need strong boundaries. I’m not here to be their bestie. I’m here to make sure that they are guided into being decent human beings that can function in the world when I’m not the captain of the ship. I find that comes from modelling good behaviour, putting in place consequences if boundaries/rules are not adhered to and always respecting them and their feelings as individuals. I’ve attended three parenting courses to date … because although there’s no manual we can be open to learning. I wouldn’t fear her not eating - there’s a division of responsibility. Your responsibility is to provide nutritious food, hers is to decide how much to eat. If she chooses not to eat what you provide, find acceptance around that and take back control. I’ve found that in percentage terms my DDs see me as great, easy going and fair 95% of the time. Because I am. But every so often I let them see a flash of the 5% they don’t know … you won’t read that in parenting books. But they need to know who’s running the show!

I wouldn’t fear her not eating

At what point would you worry then? If you knew your child had a MH condition and eating disorder? You wouldn't do anything differently?

Oh wow this is so sad. Sorry this happened to you. I’m slightly terrified now as have one of each but still babies.

My dd14 is absolutely awful just now, angry, cruel and selfish. I feel terrible guilt when I get a chance to do something with the my younger dc without her it’s such a relief not to have to deal with her and we can actually enjoy ourselves. She is autistic and I think she is finding everything really hard at the moment so lashing out.

I was a really horrible teenager and I’m not so bad now though so I’m optimistic she will grow out of it eventually. I still get the occasional glimpse of the lovely person she was and still is underneath it all.

I was a horrible teenage girl. It ended at uni and got better ever since. I promise you it will pass ❤️

I don’t think you should be taking the behaviour personally, I know it can be hard sometimes but better to take a step back from it. DO NOT ENGAGE!

Set boundaries and remain measured. Be clear about your expectations but don’t get drawn in to the drama.

It doesn’t go well and can cause lasting damage on both sides you don’t maintain the adult high ground in this situation.

@geekone that book is hugely expensive

I feel like this too. One of mine was/is awful and the other very difficult. They had a good home life (which they sometimes admit) and were very much loved. Their behaviours have changed me and I am a shell of the person I was. Although things have improved as they have moved past the teenage years I no longer feel the same about them as they completely broke me and I can’t put myself back together. It’s all very sad but I don’t think they realise how badly their behaviour affected me and I can’t change how I feel.

PS please ignore all the smug parents like the one about three posts back.

It's not because of bad parenting. Anyone with actual experience will tell you that.

It's like the parents with a perfect baby who keeps through the night boasting about their parenting skills.

Massive eye roll but that's the general public for you. Like Brexit voters - ignorant.

My otherwise lovely girl turned into a nightmare ahead of and during the GCSE’s. She is settling down a bit now once the intensity is over - but don’t pussy-foot . They seem to actually hate the weakness. You need to have it out with her. Or at least that’s what I had to do. Explain that you are a valued person - to yourself- to the rest of the family - to your family, your friends etc. that you have put all of this effort into ensuring that her GCSE’s went well for her. And that you are not having it.

In our case - there was a sustained case of bullying going on in the background but I explained to her that whilst we countered that ( together - single parent)- she couldn’t treat me like sh*t when the mood took her. It’s like it becomes a habit. Anyway. Best of luck.

God glad you had this reaction, that is horrendous advice to plan to kick out a child. 14 is more difficult than “terrible twos” but if you take on being a parent, you parent, not dump them on SS when they are not so cute anymore and it gets hard?!

I thought long and hard beforehand because of the teenage years!

No.it isn't. Don't do that.. families can move on and they do!

It is easy to say this if you have never experienced the abuse of a teen daughter. It broke me too.

It isn’t your fault my DD is the same she has almost broken me and her Dad, MH issues, self harm, eating disorder - will not eat if we don’t negotiate with her in a way she finds ok. Will not eat if she doesn’t like what we have - this can go on for days. I always cave in and get her whatever she wants - she is under the ED team now thank god!!

I have a peer support worker as I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. I try and separate her behaviour linked to MH/ eating and just general nastiness- we tackle the nastiness (it’s difficult she is 18 and just leaves the house when something happens she doesn’t like!) and follow the care plan she has in place around her health. Things are slightly better at the minute. But you are not alone, take care xxx

@ByCupidStunt @BBCK I am with you both - I am the same.

hi OP, I hate to say this but I see red flags here when you talk of her restricting food and also the flip in personality to aggressive behaviour. She could be on the verge of an eating disorder. Act fast. Contact Beat and discuss what you are experiencing with them. They will help/know. Hopefully I’m completely wrong but it really is best to check/rule out x