Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

Hi OP, just a perspective from a former horrible teenager - I was absolutely dreadful with my mum, she was tearing her hair out and I remember her going and sitting in her car quite a bit too!

I just wanted to say hang in there, it will pass, I have turned into a pleasant, competent and moral human being who emulates my mother as a role model in a lot of ways.

when I reflect on those times I think mainly that a) I was very unhappy for mainly normal teenage reasons b) my mum’s parenting style wasn’t ‘wrong’ but it didn’t suit me - it was very strict and made me feel unbelievably angry so I rebelled all the time. I also felt like she really didn’t like me (probably true at that moment but didn’t help) and c) I hate saying this now but I was just quite amoral in many ways - the impact of my actions on other people wasn’t clear in the way it is now. I feel very bad for this in retrospect.

you might also like the book, ‘Hang on to your kids’ by Gabor Maté.

I disagree , it's horrible heartbreaking and very upsetting but i think quite normal for teenagers of either sex to behave badly to their mom's every now and again-doesn't make it ok, equally i'm quite sure there are as many who would never dream of being horrible.
I have 2 older sons who looking back were quite easy ,i can't remember feeling hurt by their comments /behaviour but i have a 15 year old daughter and she is head and shoulders above them when it comes to attitude,she can wipe the floor with them if she so chooses ,i have pointed out that fact to her and reminded her sometimes hurtful things said can never be unsaid so to be mindful.
She is lovely sweet kind and thoughtful but boy does she have a scorpions sting!

Aw, op, this is so horrible for you.

I had a son, so can’t really relate, but I was a teenager once and I hated my mum.

Im not really sure why. It wasn’t due to anything specific I can remember. Hormones probably.

But my mother was strict and I would never have acted out, because frankly I was terrified of her.

After I moved out, we got along a lot better and I love her to bits.

I do think boundaries are important. When mine was little, I was never their friend, but I was always there for them. I was strict(ish) with high expectations and what I said went, so my son more often than not followed instructions and he’s a great lad now, and I’m proud that he has a lot of self discipline.

So I’m a firm believer in boundaries, routine and expectations that are non-negotiable. I am completely against gentle parenting as I am also a teacher and can see the results of that disaster every day at school. I am strict in my classroom with high expectations and rules, and I find the children push back for a few lessons and then fall into line. Then we build a relationship based on mutual respect and then I hug them when they’re leaving and feel delighted when they tell me that I was their favourite teacher. Believe me, kids thrive in a structured environment with clear expectations and fair rules.

But whatever you do op, know that she’ll come back around at some point. Parenting is hard and none of us get it right all of the time. Trial and error.

We're just entering the tween phase with nearly 11 yo DS. I'd hoped we'd have at least another year but the mood swings have started and the anxiety etc etc. I feel for him though. He came into my bedroom the other night and said:

Ds1 "Mum, I think I know what's wrong with me"
Me. What do you mean? There's nothing wrong with you!?"
DS1. But, but, I think I've got ..........HORMONES!"

Then he burst into tears.

My dd was tricky around the age of 12 but since then she's been wonderful - typical teen, but certainly never hostile or venomous, so it's not a given.

My parents weren’t great and TBH if I’d behaved badly as a teen I know they’d have kicked me out. I worked for SS for a short while and some teens did get kicked out for this; if she knew this was a threat would that change things? My LO is only 2 and I can’t imagine her being horrid but if she were I’d like to think I’d stand up to her

I wouldn't ever threaten to kick her out of our home. I hope I don't get that desperate!

I can't even begin to explain how much I would have hated that as a teenager.

Interesting to note that she's withholding food.

Most people are awful when they're hungry. Children having a growth spurt and developing feelings for piers whilst hungry doesn't sound like they will be very friendly.

Perhaps the focus might be on giving her the tools to learn when to fuel her body rather than burn a hole in your ear?

She's hangry maybe?

Telling his there is nothing wrong with him was the wrong thing to say. It just tells him.thst you're not listening to him and you are minimising his emotions and worries. Just let him.speak!

People who choose to adopt are taking on very hurt children.

I haven't yet met an adoptive parent who doesn't absolutely do their utmost for their child, and advocate for them despite some really challenging behaviours.

Attachment disorder is a common issue, and is much more widely known about.

It's far from easy.

You speak of him in the past tense?
I hope you are both OK.

The amount of people on Mumsnet, who hate their mothers, and cut them off completely , should prepare us for the fact that sometimes, no matter how hard we try to bring our children up well, and care for them, they view it all very differently.

And they think we are terrible people, forever.

It just HAS to be American!
I really can't imagine anyone actually using it.🤔☢️

This sounds very much like my now 16 year old. Quite isolated socially but otherwise great at school, very prickly to be around at home.

Restricted eating developed into anorexia, which has now resolved, relatively well. NHS family based treatment really helped me develop the confidence to put guidelines down around her eating - which helped her. She's since been diagnosed being on the ASD spectrum.

It's tough and up and down but things overall better- hang in there!

She has since said that restricting food made her deeply miserable all the time.

CountryShepherd please can you tell me what route you took to get help and how long it took? What advice were you given?

I have pointed out to her that I can see it's important to her but that it seems to be making her very unhappy

Yeah you can tell her she is an arsehole. Do it in a calm way though with an explanation as to how she is impacting on you. I did it with my DD (not that exact word), told her it was hurtful and asked how she would feel if someone was treating her that way. I also praised her at her good moments and achievements. About a year or 2 on she can still have some strops but nothing nasty and she shows empathy and apologises.

I'm going through similar with my 14 DD. I've spent sleepless nights with the police out trying to find her so many times. She even jumped out of a 2-story window so she could go out. She has autism and ADHD. She has an unhealthy "obsession" with friendships. Something we are working on through therapy. She is absolutely vile to me. It's honestly broken us. We are hitting nearly 2 years of this, and I am just absolutely numb now. I have tried every version of parenting you can think of. She has plenty of support. Nobody knows why she's doing this. There's no abuse or bullying. No trauma in her life.

I'm worried for her for her future. I'm worried about if our relationship will recover. I'm just exhausted and numb. It's like we are in an abusive relationship that we can't escape. Me and her father are just broken.

I hope you find some sort of peace soon.

It's strange, isn't it..

Maybe it's jealousy and resentment? ''Mum favoured my sister/brother over me''?

But it's true- so many people on here say they find their mothers annoying {same with mothers in law}.

All the posts about 'Going no contact'.. is it how things are dealt with nowadays?

Cutting someone off because you find them annoying?

That seems very sad.

Once DS broke his leg and was at home - we watched ''Jeremy Kyle'' - and it was shocking at how callous and horrible some birth mothers were.

Deeply selfish, had clearly hurt their adult children a lot, yet would not apologise to admit any wrongdoing whatsoever.

Maybe people who go no contact have mothers like this.

It sounds like she is struggling with mental health issues. She's crying out for help.

I don’t have an answer but I feel for you.

I've not had any problem with mine, but she's the first of 5! I have always had strict boundaries, especially when it comes to answering back, rudeness, attitude etc. Always been really picky about the way they speak to me!

I can cope with messy bedrooms, climbing on the furniture, laziness - but not rudeness.

Lots of girls with eating disorders turn out to have ASD. Your first daughter is autistic, do you think there is a possibility that your second daughter might be too, though presenting differently?

When my sister had problems with her teenage DD she did a kind of love bombing. She texted her to tell her that she loved her and asked if she would come away with her for a weekend - somewhere of her own choosing. They did this a few times and it did put their relationship on a better track.

Boundaries also make them (DC) feel safe.
My Dd went through ED, self harm, school refusal, depression and anxiety, and I had myriad sleepless nights, missed work, arguments with DP about it, BUT DD always knew I was there for her.