WTF is it with people and “cuddling” new born babies.

[CoffeeNeededorWine]

I’ll start by saying most people annoy me. People in general are annoying. I know I sound so welcoming 😂

But honestly, what is it with family wanting cuddles with the baby. Seriously, Fu*k off. I’ve just squeezed a melon out, my boobs are leaking, I can hardly sit down and let’s not even start on when I need a poo! But at least I now get to hold and feed my baby. Oh wait visitor number 746764 wants to “cuddle” or feed her. Firstly, it’s not cuddling your holding her and secondly go home while I enjoy my baby for a bit.

Seriously, hoisting people is a chore normally but when you’ve just had a baby. Give me a break. Go cuddle a dog or something and leave us the F alone.

And no, I don’t think having to converse with other people, while sleep deprived is needed. As “family just want a cuddle” I want some piece and to relax. You’re going home to a good night sleep I’m on feed 765. Don’t even get me started on family who think they know best when baby cries and won’t give her back.
Edited by MNHQ

Given how many people post on mn about how lonely, isolated and unloved they feel, I'd feel very grateful people took their time to visit me and my baby.

I am howling at the Karen comments though! My MIL is called Karen and she’s driving me bat shit!

Are you really?? You sound like an absolute dose!

@CoffeeNeededorWine .. .. I think we have lost some good things in the traditional ways of doing things... yes.. it may well be instinctive to want to come over and be around the baby, carry them and help... but somehow we have forgotten that women supporting other women after birth would have also cared for the woman, made sure her needs are met, provided food for her, massage and helped her to rest... while keeping the men folk out of the way.

Thankfully, men are more involved and present but we also need to be cared for. Our primary function in the immediate weeks post partum is to be with our baby... others can hold them while we wash, eat or rest..

Get a few copies of Post partum matters and give them to Karen, Dawn and Michelle (or whoever..) Get you husband to tell everyone to STFU with the advice, make their own tea and ALWAYS HAND A CRYING BABY BACK... unless the mother says... can you hold her please... whiIe I go to the loo, eat this cake, drink my tea, have a shower..

But if no one was bothered about visiting you’d probably be offended

I completely get you OP.

I’ll never forget how I felt when my sister in law wouldn’t hand back my newborn when she was crying. Just kept bobbing around the lounge trying to stop the crying herself even when asked. Should have seen the face on her when I mustered the courage to walk over and take baby back. My heart was pounding! It should be like that for a new mother. You have primal instincts!

She and a couple of others couldn’t wait to come round and see ‘the baby’. None of them have made any effort since the baby grew up 😂

Come on, there’s a happy medium between no one bothering to visit and a MIL who criticises and refuses to hand the baby back.

I just didn’t let anyone round until a month of so. Other than my immediate family
who would genuinely help me. Other than that no one was invited and if asked I’d say no I’m in a bubble. It was fine. I’m not cleaning my house or getting food in whilst I’m struggling !

“shouldn’t”! Not “should”. Argh.

OP I reached breaking point when dc1 was a baby. I’m not an introverted person normally but I got completely and utterly overwhelmed with the amount of visitors and the expectation or baby cuddles. The worst was when DC1 was clearly very ill and a visitor would just not leave. I barely knew them, they were a friend of the family, and I was freaking out and they just sat there sipping tea for 2 hours. Eventually I had to take DC1 to the hospital where it transpired they were indeed very ill (and needed a lumbar puncture 😢 ) and I was pretty traumatised all round and couldn’t believe this woman had just sat there without a care in the world.

Second time around I drew a really hard line, immediate family yes (because they also understood I needed support too) but everyone else had to wait on out until I was properly ready. It really scared me how feral some people got over the new baby first time around and it felt like everyone was grabbing at DC1 all the time.

I prefer the traditional Indian way - not that my mum ever bothered to do it for me, but for my sister and sister in law she did everything for them for 30 days so they could care for their babies. They lived with her and apparently it was relaxing.

I on the other hand got 2 weeks of her shit stirring with my DH while also mentioning how monkey like my son was in comparison to my neices and nephews.

Oh dear hormones.

I actually don't want to hold someone's new born.

Too scared of dropping them. Prefer them after 3 months tbh. Due to my ds living abroad I didn't get any newborn cuddles not until they were 3 to 4 months my dn and dn that is. Was offered to hold a premie at church but politely declined

If I were you I would decline further visits until you're ready to enjoy them.

The first 8 weeks is horrific and your body is still recovering along with your hormones going crazy.

I hated the first 3 months, in fact, the baby stage was the least enjoyable parenting stage- I am loving the teenage stage though.

You'll find your way and to be honest you just sound bloody exhausted, it's ok to have zero social battery when you have just given birth.

HTH

I've not rtft but here's a suggestion which worked for me:
Hold the baby yourself until he needs feeding, feed him then hand him over and go for a sleep. I did that all the time with my first especially with MIL and my parents.

Woke up this morning to so many nice messages from lots of MN. I needed that! Some of the responses yesterday were very hurtful.

I actually love night feeds because it’s a quite time we can bond.

To make some things clear because I think lots of people just assume.

1. Any comments about being lucky to convince as some people can’t. You have no idea how hard it was to have DC or how many loses we’ve been through. Don’t ever assume anyone conceived easily or naturally. This was definitely not the case for us.
2. DH can see how overwhelmed I am. When MIL starts giving advice or anyone he shuts them down but it keeps coming so then he will point out how brilliant we’re doing and if they don’t like it they can leave - which is awkward.
3. DH is adamant we should have said no to visitors for at least 2 weeks. I wanted to see my mum and said it would be unfair on his mum. He wasn’t that bothered. DH is very much happy wife, happy life. 😂

As long as they weren’t smokers, I was happy for anyone to have a hold of my newborns. No-one else could help with feeding as I breastfed.

I myself have zero interest in holding other people’s babies.

Wishing you grace, OP.

Good luck OP. I always find it astonishing that, with animals and their young, we are always warned never to split the mother and babies or disturb the mother much, as she will have such protective urges and be hugely distressed. Yet with humans, some people lose their minds.

I'm not sure how young your baby is, but if you're in the first couple of weeks, just ask your DH to send round a message saying you are absolutely exhausted and need a week's rest on advice of midwives doing nothing but resting with the baby. And your mum needs a damn good talking to about her view that she gets the baby once a week - what on earth brought on that view? Probably best coming from your dad or another older family member taking her to task on that.

Good luck OP. I always find it astonishing that, with animals and their young, we are always warned never to split the mother and babies or disturb the mother much, as she will have such protective urges and be hugely distressed. Yet with humans, some people lose their minds.

Agree. Some people treat mammals (dogs and cats) with new young better than they treat new mums.