To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

[anxiousmummaa]

Is it unreasonable to want a baby bubble after the birth for a few days- a week? I’ll more than likely be having a section, want to breastfeed and get that established and just not sure I want the fuss of visitors for a while but equally don’t want to offend people?

My DM has the loveliest approach and will never ask to hold someone’s new baby, in fact, she refused to hold my nephew for longer than a minute without giving him back. Her reasoning is that baby can be passed around when bigger and the only person to gain from holding a brand new baby is the visitor, not the baby. Because she has no expectations I expect I would feel really comfortable with my parents staying as long as they want.

To contrast, my in laws will behave differently. MIL will just want to hold the baby and probably won’t offer them back anytime soon. She has already joked to me that I better not go overdue, as she’s going on holiday the week after my due date and wants to be ‘waiting at the hospital door’. The visit will not be about seeing me or DH and tbh she is also unlikely to be helpful and we will end up feeling like we have to host her.

I know I need to just be more assertive and put some boundaries in but also trying to strike the balance and don’t want to offend or be dismissive.

Baby is due in late autumn too so don’t want a stream of visitors as it is because of seasonal colds and flus.

Should I set expectations prior to baby arriving or is that precious?

Is it totally wrong to want to see my mum soon after but not MIL for a few days more?

My PIL came to the hospital both times and to be honest I never even considered anything else.

I think I saw them nearly every day for the first few weeks. They were welcome and invaluable.

One of the nicest things that’s ever happened to me was being handed my (step) grandchild the moment I walked through the door - I hadn’t even taken my coat off. Obviously I’m biased but I think it’s very sad to favour one set of grandparents over the other. Having said that anyone visiting should be prepared to make their own tea/coffee and ask if they can do any household chores while they’re there.

Going against the grain here and saying it’s absolutely different as the mother hosting your own close family, to your in laws - depending on the relationship. It’s not “unfair”…. Postpartum is as much about the mum as the baby and it’s up to mum. If you want visitors, great - if you only want your mum, that’s fine and PIL can wait a few days. If you’d had any other major medical event, would your in laws be banging on the door to see you???

It is perfectly reasonable that you might want to only see your own parents when you’ve been stitched front to back and are bleeding/leaking milk, and wait until you feel more recovered to see in laws.

yes it’s DHs baby too but he didn’t carry the pregnancy and didn’t give birth so the assertion all things are equal is ridiculous. Obviously be mindful of feelings and set clear boundaries / perhaps work out a way to welcome in laws that you are comfortable with eg an hour, they bring food, you set the time… DH needs to be on same page.

A newborn baby is not a toy all grandparents get to share and pass around. Postpartum is for you to recover and learn your baby and you can decide how that goes. Be open minded and welcoming but do not allow yourself to be bullied into visits by childish grandparents saying “it’s not fair”. It’s not fair women have fo endure pregnancy and childbirth and men don’t but here we are!!

With my first I had in laws over on day 2 and it was awful. Please note they are lovely people and we get on well. I just felt so raw and exposed and then the midwife turned up and checked my stitches and MIL helpfully held baby…. I had not realised she (well meaning) was hovering outside my room for the examination in case I wanted to hear baby. Result was her hearing the midwife discuss my vagina with me. I was so upset. I would have felt entirely differently if that was my mum or sister. It’s not “unfair” or that I don’t care for MIL or view her as an equal grandparent, it’s just a boundary.

with DD2 they came over perhaps day 5 and I found it helpful as they played with eldest and Newborn was less the focus.

good luck OP, follow your gut xxxx

You might be really surprised after giving birth (even if it’s a c-section) at how good you feel. After a couple of days for both of mine I was pretty desperate to show them off to visitors as I was convinced I’d just given birth to the most beautiful babies on the planet (hormones are mental - I look back on photos now and one looked like a potato with nostrils and the other like an angry gremlin 😅)

I think it’s best to make no plans until baby is actually here but I really would advise you to try and treat both grandmothers exactly the same.

What does your husband think? I'd be gutted if I was told I had to wait a week before I could have a cuddle with my grandchild.

Personally I think the baby bubble idea is nonsense. Families, especially grandparents should be able to welcome the new family member without be told to keep away entirely.

But also believe adults that are old enough to have babies are also old enough to be able to communicate with people and tell them to hand the baby back after a short hold to say hello, or say thanks for coming, but you are tired/need to feed/need to eat, it was lovely to see them and time to leave now.

You can make your own rules, but your DH and in-laws probably won’t understand why it’s one rule for your family and will get offended. I’d just say a quick visit in first few days and then you want a baby bubble, but I do think you need to have the same rules for both families as it might upset your DH too who will want to share his new baby with his family too if your mum is there.

i would get both sets of grandparents to visit while you are in hospital and then get dh to tell everyone that you need some time to come round when you get home so no visitors for a while.

I think yanbu to want your own mums round a lot to help when you're post surgery. I would let the MIL visit quite soon to get it over with but just tell her when you need the baby back and tell your DP in advance that if she doesn't immediately pass baby back then he needs to get baby off her. If he doesn't agree to that then I wouldn't let anyone hold baby's

I've a 5 week old and I couldn't tell people not to call but really wish they had given us and extra week or even 2. The exhaustion was next level and the house looked like a bomb hit it I nearly resented visitors even though I know they meant well. I in a light hearted way told people not to kiss her I know by some reactions people thought I was OTT but no way was I risking it. If I were to do it again I think I'd tell everyone in advance no visitors for at least the first week

When she had a catheter hanging out of her and can barely walk and her nipples might be bleeding and she is on strong post major abdominal surgery medication? That is not the time to have a stream of people coming and going

See how you feel at the time. A c- section is major surgery and you don’t know how you will personally feel after the birth until it happens. You might literally just want your partner or you might want your mum, and that’s ok. The adrenaline might hit like a freight train and you want to show your beautiful new baby off to everyone straight away in which case it’s win win for you and your in-laws. I really don’t think there’s a right or wrong way.

I’m due my 3rd right now. Pretty sure the only people I’m going to want to be around are my husband and older kids. And also my in-laws to a lesser extent because I love them, trust them and I can’t wait to make them (biological) grandparents for the first time. I want my own mum as far away from me as possible right after the birth because she stresses me out and upsets me and everyone else at the best of times. I honestly don’t care if that makes things “unfair”.

That's really scare mongering. Hoe many new borns end up in ICU?

Grandparents have had their kids.. it's not mean and ppl need to respect boundaries.

Op it sounds like you want your mum there as she is more on your wavelength and mil is not. Also I agree with your mum, this passing the baby round is ridiculous. My siblings and I all have kids and when they were babies we didn't pass the baby round either. We would go to help each other with washing bottles and hanging the clothes out so the relevant mum could have time with the baby that suited what routine she wanted.If new mums had the peace to parent as they wished they would stress less.

I think it would be unfair on your MIL. In fairness I never wanted the baby bubble, I wanted people to come and meet him as soon as we were home. In fact, my in laws were at my house when we arrived home!

But, visitors are up to you and if you don't want them that's perfectly reasonable but in the interests of fairness (to your OH too) I wouldn't have your mum before your MIL!

I'm torn on this one, but purely due to the fact we had no doting grandparents begging for a cuddle. I was desperate to show dc off, complicated pregnancy and birth, many physical issues still present now...it was lovely to have our 1st and just me, dh and baby. But at the same time I wish I could have had people around to admire dc as much as we did. It was quite lonely.

You've got to do what's best for you, but st the same time don't make rules you might regret. Does anything really need to be said pre birth? I'm sure your dh will keep people updated during delivery and then just play it by ear.

Really surprised how many people saying it's not fair on MIL. YOU are the one going through pregnancy, birth and recovery - you get to decide when you're ready, and your DH should gatekeep/support you as much as needed to ensure you get time to rest and recover. Visitors can wait.

Yes they can, and so can her mother!

Another recent thread of interest

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5102725-whens-right-for-family-to-visit-newborn

Oh my God, the smell of my MIL's perfume on my baby. Just horrific!

Same. I don't really get the fuss about not wanting visitors although we didn't have overbearing family to contend with.

Yes it's wrong. They are both your baby's grandmother so don't set a precident for leaving your MIL out. I would just have grandparents for a quick visit first few days and other family and friends can wait a while if that's what you want. It really won't do your baby any harm to be cuddled by their loving grandparents either!

She is not just a ‘visitor’ she is family. You should be able to be ‘vulnerable’ and tired and yourself with her around as much as your own mother. If you don’t feel able to, then I suggest you get your head around that now and get over it.

My midwife said the best thing you can do after the birth is sit around in your dressing gown. This is a signal to others that you are still recuperating and you’re not going to be buzzing around doing housework or making tea or hosting people. The rule is, if they come round, they muck in.

This results in people feeling included and it’s the village that surrounds you and your child. Those bonds last a lifetime if you let them. My DC are young adults now and still love and visit their GP. It’s a special thing. But we allowed them in right from the get go. We were in the joy of it all together and our family is stronger for it.

Our DGS was born by emergency c section on Boxing Day and DDIL came home on the 27th. Her parents visited on 28th and we visited on 30th/31st. Her mum and dad live up the road, we live 3hrs away, so it needed arranging. We stayed in a hotel although they said we could stay there.

Obviously we went because we wanted to see the baby, but while we there DH went out and got shopping. I did laundry, tided up for them and changed the bed. We did all the meals and snacks too. I didn’t want them doing anything.

Before DGS was born, whenever we’ve been down we’ve stayed at the house, now we always stay in a hotel. They don’t need the extra work.

I think there’s visitors and there’s visitors. Yes, MIL will be desperate to see the baby, but she should have a cuddle then get up and help out a bit too.

I had a horrible long labour with DS ending in an emergency c-section and the last thing I wanted was visitors the next day. I had both sets of grandparents and great grandparents descend in the first few days and it was tough. But over the last 20 odd years since DS was born, I’ve lost all but one of those people and get great pleasure from looking at photos of them all holding DS at just a few hours old in some cases. The look of utter love on their faces is really special.