To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

[anxiousmummaa]

Is it unreasonable to want a baby bubble after the birth for a few days- a week? I’ll more than likely be having a section, want to breastfeed and get that established and just not sure I want the fuss of visitors for a while but equally don’t want to offend people?

My DM has the loveliest approach and will never ask to hold someone’s new baby, in fact, she refused to hold my nephew for longer than a minute without giving him back. Her reasoning is that baby can be passed around when bigger and the only person to gain from holding a brand new baby is the visitor, not the baby. Because she has no expectations I expect I would feel really comfortable with my parents staying as long as they want.

To contrast, my in laws will behave differently. MIL will just want to hold the baby and probably won’t offer them back anytime soon. She has already joked to me that I better not go overdue, as she’s going on holiday the week after my due date and wants to be ‘waiting at the hospital door’. The visit will not be about seeing me or DH and tbh she is also unlikely to be helpful and we will end up feeling like we have to host her.

I know I need to just be more assertive and put some boundaries in but also trying to strike the balance and don’t want to offend or be dismissive.

Baby is due in late autumn too so don’t want a stream of visitors as it is because of seasonal colds and flus.

Should I set expectations prior to baby arriving or is that precious?

Is it totally wrong to want to see my mum soon after but not MIL for a few days more?

@saraclara

They just need to know and see that you're both okay, and to marvel over this new little person.

No, the woman’s parents/family want to know they’re both okay, but the man’s (or other mum’s) family’s main concern is the grandchild and their relative. The person whose feelings need to be considered most are the new mother’s, who has given birth and may feel vulnerable.

I do agree that the birth of a grandchild is massive and wonderful, and if I ever am lucky enough to be in that position I will wait to be welcome to meet them.

No, the woman’s parents/family want to know they’re both okay, but the man’s (or other mum’s) family’s main concern is the grandchild and their relative.

Sorry but I've been married twice and that's absolutely NOT my experience.

Both my ex PILs and my current PILs couldn't have been more loving, concerned and caring towards me.

People are different the world over, so it's best to remember that.

I love the way that people think they know how they'll feel about something they've never experienced.

I would have said that too. And obviously I would have waited if need be, but would have found it agonising. From the moment I knew that that baby had arrived, I was desperate to see them both, to be reassured, to see that baby was real and everyone was well.

And frankly this assumption that MILs don't care about how their DIL is, it's (in most cases) incredibly unfair. My MIL was more solicitous to me than my mum, by orders of magnitude. And my DD's MIL was every bit as thoughtful and kind as I was when my DD gave birth.

The Mumsnet generalisation that MILs don't care about their DILs is ridiculously overblown. And no, I'm not a MIL to DILs. I just have two lovely sons in law.

The Mumsnet generalisation that MILs don't care about their DILs is ridiculously overblown.

Yeah I think some people have very little understanding of the fact people mostly only post about their MILs if they don't like them.

Meanwhile, I'd say there's a silent majority who have great relationships with theirs, but don't feel that's worthy of starting a thread.

Would you feel OK with your child asking you and your Husband not to come round for a few weeks after the birth of their child but the other Grandparents could?

Seems rather mean to exclude your in laws because she had the audacity to make a joke, though you are very loving in how you describe your Mom and quite dismissive in how you speak about your in-laws. It's seems you only just tolerate them.

But just remember, they are your Husbands parents all the things your parents feel about you and their Grandchild, they will be feeling it too for their child and Grandchild.

When they do visit, ask them to do a quick job or make lunch or make a cuppa and let them hold the baby too.

but if your going to stop 1 set visiting because it's Autumn, you really need to stop both sets visiting.

Before marriage what was the intention regarding relationship with the in-laws and agreed with your husband? Are they toxic people that your husband established wanted limited or low contact? Or they intended to be viewed as family?

If the intent was low contact them fair enough, establish the boundaries as you and your husband wish.

If after marriage, your in-laws are considered "family", they aren't generally bad people, I think you are being very unfair and disrespectful to allow your own family to see your baby first and not your in-law.

1. Firstly if your husband has a good relationship with his parents, that is very disrespectful to your husband. He did not carry the baby but I assume he still supported the pregnancy and is an excited father who is looking forward to sharing his baby with his immediate family.
2. If not for you, the visit is for the baby. He might not be able to remember it but he will have photos to remember the moment with. It's their first meeting in person to establish the bond. If you want these people to be loving grandparents it's hard to start off sour by designating them as second class grandparents to yours. Think about it, if you have a daughter in law restricting your access to the grandkids and prioritise her own parents, it's going to dent the relationship with your baby.

If you don't want to see people just hold off on both sides until you are actually ready. You might be wanting to limit people holding your baby now but after a few weeks of sleep deprivation you will be begging for someone to hold the baby for a moment so you can shower or take a quick nap. If you have a good relationship with your in-laws that helps you ultimately down the line.

@CelesteCunningham "You have a partner, you won't need help. They can just come for the joy, it's ok. Don't pay too much attention to the internet for this, look to real life. "

I think "come for the joy" is such a wonderful expression! Exactly that. Babies are wonderful, gorgeous creatures, no wonder people want to see them and cuddle them!

And please don't think of it as a transaction-a minute's cuddle per load of laundry done.

Tell them when baby arrives ans you send announcement text.
Bo visitors for the first 2 weeks please unless you are coming to support/help.

I.e take baby so you can nap / shower / pamper yourself. Bring over food. Offer to help in the house.

1000000% I loved having DM and DD over as they both helped. DM had hot food ready when we got home. The house was organized. Breakfast was made the next day and between nursing sessions DM would hold and cuddle DS. I could shower and nap and she would come get me when DS needed a feed.
When she left I was so lost.

It’s YOUR postpartum journey and you need to do what’s best for you! Don’t listen to people saying it’s unfair. Your relationship with your mum is obviously going to be entirely different from the one with your MIL because your mum raised you, it’s natural! Also facetime exists! And is very convenient at having people see the baby in real time. Set your boundaries now because it’ll only get harder to set them later on down the line :)) Good luck momma xo

To me part of us having a baby was moments our baby had with other people, sure if mums want they can do this 'I gave birth now I own this baby and you will all do what I demand' but people have been having babies for thousands of years the world doesn't stop because someone gives birth

When I had my DS the first person who actually got to visit him was SIL. Now we got on ok ish if not particularly close but Id never been so glad to see her as on that day. DS had been born in the morning and by that evening I was starving as nothing decent to eat ( obv not pre booked meal as wasn't even meant to be in that hospital) SIL lived 5 mins drive away and brought me a lovely hot meal plus some small gifts. She didn't try to pick up DS but I told her to feel free to do so. So she cuddled him while I ate my nectar lol.

She had 3 kids herself, the youngest only 10 months at the time.

MIL lived a few minutes from me so once I was home the following day I popped round to see her. Stayed for an hour then went home OH was working that night so would've been quite lonely and boring if id not seen a soul all day.

I think great idea to discuss this with DH in advance and make sure you're on the same page - whatever page that is. But I'd be prepared that what you want might change once the baby is here.

DH and I were planning to ask all family to give us a few days at home so we could get used to things, as DD was expected to come a few weeks early. However, when it came to it we had to stay in hospital for a week afterwards. As that went on we were itching to get back to normal so we got big visits out of the way in hospital, and by the time we got home we could have a bit more quiet time.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy 💐

I think when the time comes round you will likely want to show off your baby! It’s a magical time. There is nothing more precious than that little bundle and yes, everyone wants to be a part of it.

If you choose to allow visitors I would make sure that it is on your terms. Tell them when it is convenient. Tell them you are only doing short visits and make sure your husband is on the same script too. If you think the MIL will over stay, arrange for her to come an hour or two before an appointment so she has no choice but to leave when you say.

Anyone with any manners would wait to be invited.

PP mothers may have birth injuries or raging hormones, there may be anxieties about the baby, all worrying medical stuff and PRIVATE.

Birth announcements, photos etc are lovely but beyond that, people need to respect the parents' space.

I find some of these responses astonishing. The only thing that matters is the well being of mother and child. All these 'waiting at the hospital door' types would have me booking quietly into a completely different hospital.

When I had ds, my hormones went into overdrive and I hated anyone except his dad coming close, even being in the room. I bit my tongue for the healthcare team but I was stressed & fit to rip the arms off any one else.

That went on for about two weeks until I calmed down. As an older mum, there were no grandparents to include/exclude and we invited family and friends after that.

Yanbu OP, this is the one time when your comfort comes first and what others want is completely irrelevant. Set your boundaries early. Plenty of time for wider family bonding when you feel ready.

f.

My DD let us know that they were planning on having a few days by themselves after the birth, which I absolutely understood. So the morning after the birth, I dropped off a little bag of gifts at the maternity ward reception (as I knew DD was having to stay in an extra night due to complications) and then headed off to do some baby shopping in town. I'd only just got to my car when my son in law phoned me to say 'where are you? Come back and see us!'. I was given the baby to hold, and when I left, they were phoning his parents to invite them to visit!

So yes, you don't know how you're going to feel until it happens.

I allowed friends and family to visit me in ICU when I was hooked up to all sorts after giving birth, because I think people visiting after birth can take me how they find me and I loved sharing that time with people important to me.

In your position, I think I'd allow both sets of GPs to visit but I don't think it would be wrong to ask for visiting to be limited to half an hour or an hour if that's what you prefer.

The only hard and fast rule I had was no visitors on the third day. Third day hormones are something else and I didn't need visitors when I was so emotional.

Obviously, but not every woman feels the same after giving birth and that should be considered and respected.

Yanbu. Newborns don't need visiting.
The only welcome visitors are ones who are very quick and helpful. I've never forgotten being in pain, worn out and trying to put on a brave face with baby number 1.
Didn't have visitors for baby number 2. So much better.

I don’t know where I said I know how it would feel to be a grandmother, only that I would wait to be invited, which I would.

Plenty of people imagine how it will feel to be a mother, an aunt or whatever, that’s nature.

I’m glad you had a lovely MIL, and I see plenty of your posts saying that you are a considerate MIL too and sticking up for MILs, but my MIL is overbearing (with all DILs, not just me but I suppose it gives us something to bond over).

@Meadowfinch "The only thing that matters is the well being of mother and child"
That is obviously the most important thing. It is not the ONLY thing that matters.

I find the whole obsession with who gets to cuddle the newborn first dysfunctional and selfish and I wouldn’t be pandering to it.

Adults using a tiny infant as an opportunity for oneupmanship with other family members is beneath contempt. I find the idea of grandparents rushing to insert themselves into the new family deeply odd too. Why can’t they just wait?

The idea that one set of grandparents is going to be “heartbroken” because they have the wait a couple more days is pathetic. I will never understand why well adjusted adults can’t put the needs of a post partum woman and a day old child ahead of their own for a couple of days.

Exactly.

For starters, the mother's welfare relies to an extent, on her partner feeling involved and coming to terms with an emotionally (if not physically) massive event in his life. It's the sidelined partners that end up feeling (and being) useless, the involved dads that are empowered to step up and support her.

After my nephew was born, I overheard my DH and BIL sharing their experiences of the births and early days of being a father. My DH had never said any of this stuff to me. About the anxiety he felt during the birth, the inadequacy he felt in those early days etc.

It's ultimately in the mother's interests that the father and his family are not entirely ignored in those early days. And yes, he's allowed to share that huge love and pride in his child and his partner, and have his own family available to share his emotions with.