To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

[anxiousmummaa]

Is it unreasonable to want a baby bubble after the birth for a few days- a week? I’ll more than likely be having a section, want to breastfeed and get that established and just not sure I want the fuss of visitors for a while but equally don’t want to offend people?

My DM has the loveliest approach and will never ask to hold someone’s new baby, in fact, she refused to hold my nephew for longer than a minute without giving him back. Her reasoning is that baby can be passed around when bigger and the only person to gain from holding a brand new baby is the visitor, not the baby. Because she has no expectations I expect I would feel really comfortable with my parents staying as long as they want.

To contrast, my in laws will behave differently. MIL will just want to hold the baby and probably won’t offer them back anytime soon. She has already joked to me that I better not go overdue, as she’s going on holiday the week after my due date and wants to be ‘waiting at the hospital door’. The visit will not be about seeing me or DH and tbh she is also unlikely to be helpful and we will end up feeling like we have to host her.

I know I need to just be more assertive and put some boundaries in but also trying to strike the balance and don’t want to offend or be dismissive.

Baby is due in late autumn too so don’t want a stream of visitors as it is because of seasonal colds and flus.

Should I set expectations prior to baby arriving or is that precious?

Is it totally wrong to want to see my mum soon after but not MIL for a few days more?

I think the whole baby bubble thing is a bit of a social media fallacy.

Newborns are often tiring and boring, visitors break up the monotony and bring excitement and joy to the slog of the other 23 hours a day.

Let people enjoy their new relative, you won’t be short of time with the baby.

What are your husbands thoughts on his parents being treated differently.

My parents would have been heartbroken being told they couldn't meet their grand daughter knowing her other grandparents had been for a visit

There's a balance between excluding them and letting them take over. Make it clear to your husband he has to support you & if the baby is unhappy or you want it back for feeding etc he has to step in

As pp said though when the baby arrives you might want everyone to meet them. I've only ever heard of post baby bubbles on here. Anyone I know in rl has welcomed visitors

Fine to do what you want but definitely don’t allow your mum but not MIL-not fair. We’re just seeing what happens for our baby this year - don’t see the point in making a decision before, we have no idea how well feel!

Yanbu to not have a stream of visitors yabvu to exclude any grandparents. Definitely see his mum, make visits shorter and less frequent than your own mum if she is more practical help but dont cut mil out. Let them both come the first time you are having visitors.

For me it's about a vulnerable newborn being exposed to unnecessary risks being passed around like a parcel.

It's unnecessary and it also gives opportunity for people who are not used to babies attempting to kiss on the face and then you have a possible ICU patient... horrific and your MIL will be sunning it up in a different country without a care in the world.

I also would question why your mum needs to be there unless you have doubts that your DH can support you because he's back at work etc. This is his newborn and he'll be wanting to protect them too.

You will have plenty of strangers anyway: consultants, surgeons, nurses, health visitors etc all pestering you and trying to keep you awake for check ups and you will need to advocate for what you want (babe on chest asap) whilst you're unable to move.

First baby I had a stream of visitors and hated it, I was exhausted, in pain, struggling to establish breastfeeding.

2nd time I had stronger boundaries- only hubby in hospital, except 2 hours where my mum came to support me whilst hubby popped home for a shower and clean clothes. MIL wasn't told and my mum never said to anyone that she met baby 2 in hospital, to avoid any hurt feelings

Its extremely selfish and bad for family relationships if you let one grandparent see your dc but not the other! Either have no visitors at all or allow both to visit! I would have been devastated if my dil's treated me this way and i would never expect my dd to treat her mil this way!

New mothers have the right to feel comfortable though. It's obvious that a woman is going to feel more comfortable with her own mother around (unless there's a poor relationship) seeing her post partum than with someone else's mother, even if it is a mil.

As others have said that wouldn't be fair.

And I think your mum refusing to hold nephew for longer than a minute, isn't necessarily the 'loveliest approach', as it would be quite insulting to a lot of new parents.

As the mother, I would've felt embarrassed that I'd put her in an unwanted position and would be unlikely to offer again.

This with bells on.

As it happens we didn’t have any visitors for quite a while but when we did I appreciated the ones who gave a toss about me as a person and did not regard me as solely a producer of grandchild.

Does your DH not get a say, it's his baby too.
Why are your parents more important than his.

Fine if yr mum is kept away too, but if u still plan on having her there only fair mil gets to visit the baby.

Of course he does, but DH isn’t the one giving birth who will be sore/leaking and vulnerable.

It’s all very dependant on the individual. If you come from a close family then it would feel weird to make people wait a week to see the baby. But if you had a family that was a little bit more distanced, then a few days grace is fine. All of my immediate family including in laws, sisters and brothers had met my baby by the time he was 3 days old.
But I do think it’s mean to make MIL wait longer then your mum when she hasn’t actually done anything yet. Just say a quick cuppa and then make your excuses.

You should do whatever feels right for you and not anyone else. If MIL will hog the baby then make her wait a while until you're more comfortable. Yes you want both sets of grandparents to be able to see their gc early but you have to be happy as the new mother in the equation. Waddling around sore and healing at home for a few days isn't the best situation for hosting and unless mil is useful to you rather than just wanting cuddles and photos the delay it until you feel better.

A lot of women don't get much say in how they want their childbirth and post partum experience to go, so I think it's fine to arrange things how you want them to be. People will have to learn to live with it. It's not going to kill them to wait a few days 🙄 I have two sons. If Dil wanted her mum around when she'd had a baby I'd be fine with it. I'd just be happy knowing they were okay and get on with my crochet.

Incredibly unfair to have your mum but not your MIL

Really not fair.

I also think both sets of grandparents should be given the same treatment. It should be fairly easy for your partner to say to his parents ‘baby needs a feed now, thanks so much for coming!’ if they don’t know when to leave.
I couldn’t have delayed the lovely moment where grandparents meet their new grandchild for a week, but I guess see how you feel. They’ll be excited and it’s lovely to watch them start to bond with the baby.

Ok @anxiousmummaa, you have obviously made your mind up that YANBU so I'm a bit unsure what your AIBU is then.

You may feel entirely different once baby arrives. My first labour lasted 39 hours and by the time he arrived, I'd have given him to the milkman if he'd offered me a cuppa, a round of toast and a few hours sleep. Try to not have fixed ideas too soon, if MIL holding baby for an hour means you can take an extra nap, go for it. If you are feeling better than you expected then you will be able to just take baby back yourself

It's up to you, but I think you should take DH's feelings into account too.

Have a conversation with him about you not being sure how you are going to feel after a C-Section and you want to manage expectations around visiting in advance in case you it's too much for the first day or two.

The suggestion about getting them to come to the hospital is a good one. You could even suggest that to MIL, and say come then and have the first cuddle, as you will probably want to retire to bed for a day or two when you first get back home.

I would invite Your Mum and MIL for a quick visit asap. Your DH may well have a strong emotional urge to introduce your baby to his M&D and you yours. They are your parents…

Others can wait.

Talk to your DH...he can give his parents boundaries, but it would be unfair not to allow them to visit if your parents are.

Think how you would feel if your child had a baby of their own but only allowed the other grandparents to visit.

If it's only a few days the in laws have to wait then I don't see the issue. My parents flew over and my mum was with dh in the hospital, but I needed to go to theatre so my mum was in the waiting room with my dad. They both saw me and baby within about an hour. My fil came to hospital and this meant a lot to my dh. His mum (parents are separated) visited a few days later but she lived 1.5 hours away.

I'm all for resting and not feeling the pressure to have visitors and get up and out for a few weeks after the birth BUT grandparents should absolutely be able to visit. I stayed in bed the first 10 days and it was very much needed (stitches, painful breastfeeding) I put off visitors but allowed grandparents and it felt like a great balance.

As for not wanting people to hold your baby, I always find that a bit odd. Fair enough don't let anyone kiss them but holding...surely that's allowed. Everybody loves a baby cuddle and it causes absolutely no harm so I really don't see the issue.