To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

[anxiousmummaa]

Is it unreasonable to want a baby bubble after the birth for a few days- a week? I’ll more than likely be having a section, want to breastfeed and get that established and just not sure I want the fuss of visitors for a while but equally don’t want to offend people?

My DM has the loveliest approach and will never ask to hold someone’s new baby, in fact, she refused to hold my nephew for longer than a minute without giving him back. Her reasoning is that baby can be passed around when bigger and the only person to gain from holding a brand new baby is the visitor, not the baby. Because she has no expectations I expect I would feel really comfortable with my parents staying as long as they want.

To contrast, my in laws will behave differently. MIL will just want to hold the baby and probably won’t offer them back anytime soon. She has already joked to me that I better not go overdue, as she’s going on holiday the week after my due date and wants to be ‘waiting at the hospital door’. The visit will not be about seeing me or DH and tbh she is also unlikely to be helpful and we will end up feeling like we have to host her.

I know I need to just be more assertive and put some boundaries in but also trying to strike the balance and don’t want to offend or be dismissive.

Baby is due in late autumn too so don’t want a stream of visitors as it is because of seasonal colds and flus.

Should I set expectations prior to baby arriving or is that precious?

Is it totally wrong to want to see my mum soon after but not MIL for a few days more?

Hmm. Not so sure about the evolutionary aspect. Babies need tribes!

Imo for the first couple of months they only need their mum and the tribe is necessary to do everything else for the mum!

Op one tends to find with respectful relatives who don't demands in usual life :there would be nothing to worry about.
Unfortunately we find the ones who behave selfishly are the ones we of course worry about when we are vulnerable.

Op don't worry about anything else except you and baby. You're the unit and must come first.

When you feel ready and not before allow visitors and before the visit prime dh on code words of when to get them to leave.

Umm days old new borns need a mum that's all.

I don't think it is unfair to take a different approach with mum vs MIL - one is there primarily to support the person who has just given birth who may be feeling very poorly and/or vulnerable. If I had children, I would expect to have a different relationship with a DD vs a DIL and wouldn't expect a DIL to treat us the same. I might wish for the same access but would understand it is different and it doesn't matter what I want in that scenario! I would also feel comfortable with my mum seeing me in any physical/emotional state, but don't have that relationship with MIL.
I find this idea that wider family has a 'right' to the baby odd. I'd not make any firm plans - say that you are going to see how you feel and your partner will let her know once the baby is born if a visit pre holiday is feasible, otherwise there will be plenty of times for visits after her hol. Good luck!

Set expectations beforehand. Better to give more than they expect when baby comes than less and have to argue to protect your own mental health pp.

It’s completely up to you - it doesn’t matter if it’s fair or not. You’re the one giving birth and you should have the final say. Some people won’t like that, but I repeat - they are not the ones who have gone through child birth🤷🏼‍♀️
Do what works for you.

I think it's ok to say that you don't want visitors at the hospital at all and for people to wait to come and see the baby at home if you want that time just you three.

I did actually allow my parents and in laws to visit us in hospital but not my siblings/siblings in law as I said it would be too much. (Both me and dh are from big families.)

Then I think you should allow people to come round for a cup of tea and a cuddle but absolutely let them know if it's getting to the point where you need a nap and for them to leave.

Most people know not to visit a newborn baby with any coughs or colds. And sorry I think it would be harsh to let your mum come round straight away but make mil wait.