To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

[anxiousmummaa]

Is it unreasonable to want a baby bubble after the birth for a few days- a week? I’ll more than likely be having a section, want to breastfeed and get that established and just not sure I want the fuss of visitors for a while but equally don’t want to offend people?

My DM has the loveliest approach and will never ask to hold someone’s new baby, in fact, she refused to hold my nephew for longer than a minute without giving him back. Her reasoning is that baby can be passed around when bigger and the only person to gain from holding a brand new baby is the visitor, not the baby. Because she has no expectations I expect I would feel really comfortable with my parents staying as long as they want.

To contrast, my in laws will behave differently. MIL will just want to hold the baby and probably won’t offer them back anytime soon. She has already joked to me that I better not go overdue, as she’s going on holiday the week after my due date and wants to be ‘waiting at the hospital door’. The visit will not be about seeing me or DH and tbh she is also unlikely to be helpful and we will end up feeling like we have to host her.

I know I need to just be more assertive and put some boundaries in but also trying to strike the balance and don’t want to offend or be dismissive.

Baby is due in late autumn too so don’t want a stream of visitors as it is because of seasonal colds and flus.

Should I set expectations prior to baby arriving or is that precious?

Is it totally wrong to want to see my mum soon after but not MIL for a few days more?

Exactly. I never got over mine seeing me struggling to plug ds in to my massive boobs for his feeds. I felt so embarrassed and horrible. She was nice enough, but there was no dignity in sitting in a dressing gown all day shuffling round after a section and struggling to feed. She was older as well and couldn't help out and she had travelled so had to stay.

Not true - it’s the dad’s baby too! And he may want to share the baby with his parents, in the same way OP does with her mum. Babies don’t belong to their mothers. Just be firm with boundaries with her.

You know what is actually incredibly unfair? Pregnancy and childbirth. The shit women have to go through for 9.5 months followed by major surgery while the man does a few extra chores around the house. That's unfair. And that's life.

This is not about the grandparents. This is not even about the baby. It's about a woman going through one of the hardest time of her life and wanting her own mother there. Why? Because her mum will be there to take care of her, her own child.

My exMIL was fine and polite but there is no fucking way she would be in any way helpful or sympathetic. Not someone you'd want to visit when you're in pain, bleeding, leaking, trying to breastfeed a newborn.

OP's needs and wants absolutely take priority.

I do find it a little unreasonable as family will be excited to meet them but it's fine to limit visits to 30 minutes or so if they are fairly local. It's very unreasonable to treat mil differently to your mum.

You may also change your mind, I had friends visit the same day and family the following day, my parents (overseas) came after a month for two weeks and it was just fine

This is a really lovely message and attitude to have and I hope OP takes it to heart.

Dads aren't post partum. The post partum period is a massive bodily upheaval and takes time to settle and establish life with a newborn. Men can get as butthurt and baby minded as they like, but the post partum period doesn't effect them at all.

Do what you feel is right for you and baby. I wish I had. My MIL is extremely overpowering and I’m still upset at how she overstayed her welcome, held the baby for hours while I did housework or pumped (post C-section). I should have been in bed doing skin to skin. It was all about her bonding with LO. If I could go back in time I’d have got DH to set very clear boundaries from day 1.

I'd also add, close relatives couldn't have visitors due to covid regs and it really affected them, they didn't realise how hard it would be prior to being completely alone. So wish we could turn back the clock and I could have gone and helped, the reassurance of experienced family is invaluable

You tell them they can come and see you at say 2 o'clock. For an hour, Feed the baby first and if you feel able offer to let her hold the baby, while you go the loo, or make drink, then you can come back and say take a photo for her , then just hold out your arms for baby .
Tell them your a bit tired and going to take baby for a nap so they can visit with DH... bet they go soon...
Next time meet in a pub, garden centre or cafe, away from home, so when your ready you can head home....
If you arrange it you control it...

God I would have KILLED to have my family visit when my first was born in April 2020 and it was illegal to see my mum and I had nearly died in childbirth.

My second was ELCS. My mum came to visit at hospital and at home. My in laws came to stay for 3 days the day we got home for hospital. I'm in the minority and like my in laws and it was lovely. My MIL looked after me and baby and FIL helped DH with toddler. Win win. Oh and they cooked all the meals did all the washing and just generally are fantastic.

I think it depends on the people but try to remember your parents and IL will be excited re baby too.

If you're really not sure try wearing baby in a sling but a simple I need them back now will suffice.

I treated both DM and MIL the same, both welcome to come visit us at the hospital and whenever they wanted when we got home. My MIL actually came everyday as I needed daily injections and was squeamish.

Excepting the nightmare MILs out there, I think it’s so sad how some MIL are kept at arms length. I’m seeing this right now with my brother and my own parents, and it’s been so upsetting for them.

I am 100% of the belief that it is your choice when you are ready for other people meeting your baby. My parents and grandma met my baby the day before he turned 2 weeks old and my partners parents and grandparents met him the day after when he was 2 weeks old. I wouldn’t have thought it was fair for my family to meet him a week or so before them though and I think it would have definitely upset them if I had done that!!

But that first 1-2 weeks is really important to spend as a new little family and if you don’t want anyone else to be there then that is a completely valid choice.

Agree with this.

People go on and on about fairness but when it comes down to it it is about the health and well-being of mother and baby and waiting a few days or more is not going to hurt.

My mother didn’t meet our first until he was six weeks old while the in-laws met him at a week old. Due to the behaviour of the in-laws, two week no guests and visitors was agreed for the second and DH said he would make an exception for my mum though because she was more supportive and offered help but I declined because I rather her come after his paternity leave was up which was at the end of the two weeks and that worked out much better. Third child, both my parents were here but that was only because it was around the time of their yearly visit anyway and I went past my due date and in-laws wouldn’t have been able to come anyway because they were busy with their other grandchildren and met baby when she was 4 weeks.

Set those boundaries love. It’s not about being “fair” to anyone else. It’s what is right for YOU. We didn’t have any visitors other than my mum for the first 2 weeks - and the only reason my mum was there was because I had a c-section & we wanted the extra support (she looked after me & my spouse, cooked for us, cleaned etc whilst we focused on the baby). Totally the right decision for us. After the first 2 weeks we had immediate family over to see us for a few hours over the course of about a week so that it wasn’t overwhelming. I found the immediate postpartum period a very vulnerable & emotional time & really think I would have struggled if we have been bombarded with visitors immediately.

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Ultimately it’s your baby so you make the rules. Whether others understand it or not isn’t relevant. My kids are older and I couldn’t imagine not having visitors at the hospital or at home. I’d never deny cuddles to anyone. I loved the extra support and help family gave.

But that’s me and you’re you. Id definitely be telling people now how you want things. The last thing you want is to be fretting about these things once you’ve had the hxby;

I disagree with it being unfair to your MIL, we all mostly want our mum's at this stage, I know I would only feel comfortable with my boobs hanging out and leaking everywhere in front of my mum but not with others. It's not on you to put their feelings above yours, it's the most vulnerable you will ever be so have around you who you want. I would probably send a message to parents in law and say "I'm not too sure how I'm going to be feeling after birth but we'll let you know when I'm feeling ready for visitors and look forward to seeing you then." I wouldn't pre empt any rule setting, unless you're feeling particularly anxious about anything in particular (I had a COVID baby so mine was lateral flows before visiting for instance), and would just take it as it comes. If you don't want to hand baby over, just say "maybe next time, I'm still feeling anxious and would rather not" or something to that effect. I find it weird people asking to hold other people's babies, your mum is totally right that it's only the visitor getting enjoyment out of it, not the baby.

Good for you for listening to advice - many others don’t.
Please don’t exclude your MIL. Yes they can be pains but she is a granny too and one day you may need her. Imagine if your baby is a boy and you being the one pushed out in 30 odd years time

I find it weird people asking to hold other people's babies

It’s not remotely weird to want to hold your grandchild. I’ve never asked, the baby’s just been handed to me.

I can only speak from my experience but we had to stay in hospital for 5 days because of me being poorly and then my son being in intensive care with suspected sepsis. People came to visit us the night we came home and we were so happy to show him off. My dad then died suddenly when my baby was 3 weeks old so I can only imagine how I would have felt if I had stopped him seeing him for even just a week after he was born. I was so glad that my dad had as many opportunities as possible to hold the baby before he wasn’t able to anymore. You never know what is around the corner and some things are more important than a ‘baby bubble’

Why would OP feel as comfortable around MIL as she would around her own mother? It isn't something OP needs to 'get over' at all.

Are you having a boy? If so, consider you may be a MIL to your DIL one day and think about how you'd like to be treated.

There is no way on earth that I (or many others) would feel as comfortable with their MIL as with their own mother and it is ridiculous to say get over it.

Totally. Your own mother is your flesh and blood, your mother in law is a random woman who happens to be related to the man you're partnered up with. If you weren't with that particular man you'd walk past her in the street without even acknowledging her. After having a baby you're expected to entertain her whilst she sees you at your most vulnerable, feeling like crap and trying to breastfeed (if you're doing that) and not bleed everywhere.

I mean some people might love playing happy families with acquired relatives, but not everyone does. Some people are more self conscious, private or perhaps don't particularly like their partner's parents.

I really don't understand why grown adults are incapable of managing visits from the grandparents.

The MIL holds the baby for what feels like it's going to be too long? You ask for it back and your DH follows up, if necessary by actually taking the baby from her.

They might stay too long? Then you give a time frame when you invite them, and DH backs it up 'we really want you to meet your grandchild, but anxiousmammaa is still quite unwell from the OP, so we're limiting visits to half an hour/an hour'

Same for any other perceived problem.

The birth of a grandchild is massive. Far more then I understood before I became a grandparent There's something that hits you as instinctively as motherhood did. So I honestly believe that a short visit for both sets asap is important. They just need to know and see that you're both okay, and to marvel over this new little person.
You just need to be prepared (and prepare them) for how you want those first visits to be.