To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

[anxiousmummaa]

Is it unreasonable to want a baby bubble after the birth for a few days- a week? I’ll more than likely be having a section, want to breastfeed and get that established and just not sure I want the fuss of visitors for a while but equally don’t want to offend people?

My DM has the loveliest approach and will never ask to hold someone’s new baby, in fact, she refused to hold my nephew for longer than a minute without giving him back. Her reasoning is that baby can be passed around when bigger and the only person to gain from holding a brand new baby is the visitor, not the baby. Because she has no expectations I expect I would feel really comfortable with my parents staying as long as they want.

To contrast, my in laws will behave differently. MIL will just want to hold the baby and probably won’t offer them back anytime soon. She has already joked to me that I better not go overdue, as she’s going on holiday the week after my due date and wants to be ‘waiting at the hospital door’. The visit will not be about seeing me or DH and tbh she is also unlikely to be helpful and we will end up feeling like we have to host her.

I know I need to just be more assertive and put some boundaries in but also trying to strike the balance and don’t want to offend or be dismissive.

Baby is due in late autumn too so don’t want a stream of visitors as it is because of seasonal colds and flus.

Should I set expectations prior to baby arriving or is that precious?

Is it totally wrong to want to see my mum soon after but not MIL for a few days more?

This is great advice. DP manages the visit with his parents. He will be excited to show off his baby (just as you will be excited to show off to your parents) but he can keep it short and sweet and pluck baby out of their arms when it’s time to hand them back to Mum. This is what my DP did, he would pick baby up and take them for a nappy change then hand them to me when he came back.

@Thepeopleversuswork "I find the whole obsession with who gets to cuddle the newborn first dysfunctional and selfish and I wouldn’t be pandering to it"

I agree. It's horrible. But so is curating who gets to cuddle the newborn first, thinking of it as a transaction (one load of washing =one cuddle) and bizarrely not understanding why people might want to cuddle a newborn.

Obviously new dads don't have the physical side of things to contend with, but becoming a parent is probably the biggest thing to happen in anyone's life, male or female. When DC1 was born I saw the wave of love hit my DH like a truck. I think my shy, introverted husband would have happily stood on the hospital steps in front of the world's media to show her off like she was heir to the throne.

It was just as special for him to introduce her to his parents as it was for me to introduce her to mine, and given they're nice people and I was in reasonable physical shape (well enough pay EMCS to sit in the bed or on the sofa anyway) I was more than happy to do so even if there were fleeting moments I may have preferred a bit of peace. They didn't stay long and when I needed the baby to feed they handed her over.

Hmm when I had my first id have been very lonely and feel neglected if id had no visitors. Babys dad wasn't there for work reasons so my mum stayed with me at the birth and after. If I had shut her out id have been alone dealing with a newborn without anyone even to make me a cuppa.

So all the people going on about germs and bubbles remember not everyone has a handy partner to look after you

It's totally up to you as mother. You might only want your own mum or you feel differently when the time comes but you have every right to time limit interactions. But you may be desperate for adult company!

Everyone has opinions when you have a baby and that can be exhausting.

My body specialised in tough pregnancies and births. Both times I appreciated visitors. The end of pregnancy had already been tedious and isolated because of PGP affecting mobility.

First time I had visitors in hospital after I'd gone from HDU to main ward.
Second time BiL was DS2's first visitor. He was due to come to the hospital, but the discharge happened quite abruptly shortly before he was about to travel so he came to our house. I slept through the visit recovering from the endurance feat of getting out of hospital, but it was nice for DH to share our new addition with his DB and cost me nothing.

DS1 was deluged with visitors as it was Christmas, and it was lovely having someone coming by each day. Christmas dinner was cooked and brought to us. I couldn't sit up for more than a couple of hours and guests had no issue with leaving when my energy fizzled or staying with DH's company when I went to bed.

MiL was abroad so she came for a fortnight when pat leave finished and was a total star at helping to keep the house running while I focused on baby. Distance meant that we had an amicable but not close relationship and I value that time that she gave to support both DCs. Thanks to Covid travel and hospital/ carehome restrictions, the last time the DCs saw her was at 6/8 a couple of years before she died, so that fortnight each was a significant part of the time they spent together.

There are times that new parents have to plan their defences in advance for very difficult relatives, but generally it's a shame to put up obstructions to starting those new relationships in advance.

And hygienic bubbles are out of the window for DC2+ when there's germ-ridden siblings in the mix. DS1 kindly brought chicken pox home from nursery 7 weeks in...

I agree with this but then that's just me.

My DIL wanted a few days after a 'difficult' delivery and we were very happy ti wait.
Many photos were sent.
Of course her own mum was house sitting with the older one and saw baby as soon as they came home.
And that was absolutely fine.
Quite soon we met baby and were encouraged to nurse them.
Many more photographs were taken

THIS
I've noticed people are delaying birth announcements on Facebook/ instagram etc ...
Then saying 'we have kept this quiet until now but dd / ds was born .....'
Thus preventing an avalanche of visitors.
Don't blame them.

Exactly
Just how I feel as a mil.
Hope this puts your mind at rest op.

It's not unreasonable to want a baby bubble but also you may change your mind as for some people this bit can be isolating.

Obviously some guests are better than others, someone who can see the dishwasher needs unloading or a wash needs putting on whilst you hold your baby can really help. That said there might be times when passing the baby to someone else to hold so you can have shower and take 10 minutes out is also useful.

Is it totally wrong to want to see my mum soon after but not MIL for a few days more

As long as you never want your in-laws to babysit etc.! I suppose your other half will have to suck up having his in-laws around.

Am I missing something?

Firstly the need to have your own mum close just after birth or even at birth is a completely different thing to in laws. It is you who physically goes through that. And it is natural you would lean on your mum for support if you have a good relationship.

Presumably you aren't saying you won't let them see the baby at all as a newborn. You just want a few days. I think most people would fully understand that. But do you need to broadcast who has and hasn't seen the baby??? Why would they even know. Could you not tell your mum to keep it on the down low so not to cause upset.

A lot of people pleasers on this thread! I'm shocked tbh.

Best mother in law 👏🏻 mine was the same & we have a lovely relationship

It's your baby and your partner's.

This post isn't about having OP's mum at the birth being a support person or even having her mum staying at home helping her out with recovery though. It's about which grandparent OP wants to have come as a "visitor" capacity because in OP's mind, her mum only holds the baby for a minute and her mum is more interested in her.

Rather than framing those as "people pleasers" negatively, marriage is about mutual respect and consideration of partners and their family. Just like how the husband presumably supported OP throughout the pregnancy, if physical condition allows for visitors, is this "bubble" worth sacrificing her husband's moment to show his mother who he presumably loves, her grandchild? You can argue it's only a few days later but it's the conversation with the husband that's "I don't want your mother to visit until later because I think she would hold onto the baby for too long, she's not a good support to me and she's not interested in my health. But my mother should come and visit me now". The child is equally the husband's, if you want his equal involvement with parenting, then his needs should be weighed in.

It is also a blessing for the child to be loved and wanted. Personally, it is a joy just to see the child being treasured and doted on. All the things about germs will be out the door when you are thick in newborn phase and need sleep or take a shower. You will want to pass the baby to anyone available and not obviously sick.

The problem here is the assumption that OP will want to pass the baby on and go take a shower. Not true and these assumptions are where problems occur. My MIL assumed I would want her to hold baby for hours so I could shower/sleep/eat/pump/do house work. It was very damaging that she made that decision for me and essentially took my baby off me while I was trying to establish breastfeeding and I felt added pressure to have the house presentable and have myself up and dressed. Everyone is different, and in the early days it’s about what mum and baby need most. It also depends on the type of relationship you have with the person helping and of course your own personality type will inform how you feel ie do you want company or would you rather have space etc. DH hasn’t just birthed a baby and is in recovery, so in this instance his needs shouldn’t be prioritised over the mother.

OP is about if it's ok for her mum to visit her first and delay the in-law's visit. My points are around the first meeting.

However, if your MIL forcefully takes your baby from you everytime she visits, that's a different matter as the husband should also step in and sort the MIL out to establish boundaries.

Of course women do the heavy load in carrying and birthing the baby and should be priority where it comes to her own health and body. I don't think men should weigh in on the birth plan and whether or not she would like to breast feed. But for who can visit his child (OP doesn't need to be in the room) I think his feelings should be considered. There can be compromises if he can agree to boundaries. There's a whole lot of assumption here that MIL will be dreadful without even letting her meet the baby first. If after letting her husband have his moment of first introduction of the baby and it went bad, then there is more case to tell husband that he needs to work on his mother if they are to continue letting her visit.

Entirely up to you op you're the one giving birth. I also had a section and I'm quite a private person so I told everyone we were going to give ourselves 2 weeks at home just to recover and get to grips with things. Then because I felt up to it, we had our in laws round the day I got home for a very brief visit and then a proper longer visit at the end of the week, and my parents came up on day 3 (longer journey for them). Then we started having other family the second week. But I was kind of glad I'd set the expectation that it would be longer so I could see how I felt without pressure.

In our case feeding was very difficult and we were told not to have any more visitors in the second week because ds wasn't gaining. I was delighted to see visitors but I felt very vulnerable and sore so they also really exhausted me so I'd say it's important to pace yourself.

If all it takes for her in-laws not to want to babysit is not seeing the baby fresh out of the womb, then she is better off.

There is no guarantee that the in-laws will babysit simply because they held the baby right after it was born.

My own in-laws were the first to see our oldest (stayed with us for five days) and see all our kids more than my parents do (they live in another country) and have never offered to babysit once. We have always had to ask in advance. I was even told I shouldn’t have gone out for 90 minutes by MIL when we were on holiday because DH had both of our sons. Not only was he not alone at the time, but his siblings and their spouses and kids were there too and it was five adults to four kids. It was the only moment I had to myself in months with two under 5 and DH and I had talked beforehand about me going out.

I agree that the partners preference and wishes should be considered too. Ideally you makes these decisions together and come to a good compromise.

However, within reason. If the partner wanted to invite his entire football team round two days after baby arrives would that be OK and within his rights as the dad to decide? Or would we consider that the mum's wishes of what she feels comfortable with at a very vulnerable point in her life should have slightly higher priority.

You may think these situations are very different. In my view they are not. Op has voiced why her in laws would make her feel uncomfortable in those first few days. She has not said that she is denying anyone access to the baby forever more.

I agree with that, reaching decisions together with good compromise within reason.

For example, if OP is uncomfortable with her in law's hanging onto the baby too long and needs to be weighed against husband's wish to introduce grandchild, maybe the husband can make clear it's half an hour for a quick initial visit and then plan a time later for a longer one. Not saying husband's feelings are paramount but just not great to come across as "it's either my way or the highway" either. Best to agree on set parenting values and navigate together for a balanced relationship.

Keep in mind you may feel really rough for a few weeks after the section and welcome the help, even MIL.

I thought I'd bounce back like the first time, but my second section left me exhausted, nauseous, in pain and struggling to do basic tasks like washing and dressing (baby and myself). Baby wasn't gaining weight at first so had a stream of midwives, breastfeeding support workers etc doing daily home visits. Despite bf my first easily, with second baby struggled with latch so had to supplement with formula as well as expressing every 3 hours. I was very grateful to have MIL around to wash and sterilise breastpumps, make up bottles, hold baby while I took my time to shower or dress (both painful and tiring). She also took baby downstairs to allow me to sleep undisturbed for a few hours. And she brought me cups of tea, food, reminded me to take meds, helped me hobble around bedroom. When I had to go ihto hospital for a night due to complications, she and FIL and DH cared for baby at home so I could focus on getting well.

I don't want to sound negative, just reminding you that bubble might not be something you want once it comes to it. Hopefully your recovery will be smooth with minimal pain. But if it isn't you might want and need family support.

The new mom decides. I personally have no expectations; I’d only show up if and when invited ( that being hours, days, weeks or months).
I suppose it’d be less stressful later on for you if you set expectations in advance.

The thing is that at first the mother and baby still are pretty much like one being, see the concept of the mother-baby diad. So saying someone could come and visit the baby and wouldn't have to be in the same room and that would somehow mean that it wouldn't bother the mother isn't accurate for most people. And it's not mothers being precious or hysterical or selfish, it's a very effective protective instinct gifted to us by evolution. We have to navigate the very powerful primal feelings brought up by giving birth and nursing a tiny baby and somehow operate within the expectations of the society in which we live.