To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

[anxiousmummaa]

Is it unreasonable to want a baby bubble after the birth for a few days- a week? I’ll more than likely be having a section, want to breastfeed and get that established and just not sure I want the fuss of visitors for a while but equally don’t want to offend people?

My DM has the loveliest approach and will never ask to hold someone’s new baby, in fact, she refused to hold my nephew for longer than a minute without giving him back. Her reasoning is that baby can be passed around when bigger and the only person to gain from holding a brand new baby is the visitor, not the baby. Because she has no expectations I expect I would feel really comfortable with my parents staying as long as they want.

To contrast, my in laws will behave differently. MIL will just want to hold the baby and probably won’t offer them back anytime soon. She has already joked to me that I better not go overdue, as she’s going on holiday the week after my due date and wants to be ‘waiting at the hospital door’. The visit will not be about seeing me or DH and tbh she is also unlikely to be helpful and we will end up feeling like we have to host her.

I know I need to just be more assertive and put some boundaries in but also trying to strike the balance and don’t want to offend or be dismissive.

Baby is due in late autumn too so don’t want a stream of visitors as it is because of seasonal colds and flus.

Should I set expectations prior to baby arriving or is that precious?

Is it totally wrong to want to see my mum soon after but not MIL for a few days more?

I do think that would be a bit unfair on your MIL, sorry.

It's entirely on the mum.

I had my mum at the birth with us and called to my nan and grandads on the way home from hospital with both my dc.

MIL and SIL were already at home with a brew waiting with DS1

I enjoyed how much they loved my DC.

I wouldn't think anything of someone not having visitors for a week. I certainly wouldn't ask, I'd wait to be asked

Sorry I missed the bit about your mum but not MIL. Yes, that would be a bit unfair.

Thanks for your honesty! Not offended at all, that’s why I posted

Yes, that would be very unfair.

Can you imagine years from now, your baby about to become a parent for the first time, but saying you aren’t allowed to see your grandchild, just the other grandparents can.

I think it's really really mean to keep the grandparents from visiting and cuddling. They love the baby as much as you do, and it's their baby going through the massive change of having a baby.

I've never seen my MIL look so happy as when I said she could hold DC1 in the hospital. It's one of my loveliest memories of that time.

In the absence of abuse or serious health issues, welcome the family and show off your wee babby to their family.

I dunno though, if the other grandparents are going to be helpful and not expect to hold the baby it’s different to expecting to come over and hold baby for ages while mum is sore/uncomfortable and wanting baby back especially when that isn’t mums parents.

I do get how you feel.
However- it's so lovely that all these people love and want to welcome your child. I think it's fair to let both see them.

Why don’t you let visitors at the hospital but have time at home? The visiting times curtail the length at hospital. Best of both worlds.

You do whatever you like. Your MIL has had her turn of having babies, this is your go. I didn't have any visitors for 10 days after I gave birth. We live in the same village as my MIL so my DH took the baby for a walk in the sling to meet her when we came home from the hospital but no cuddles for maybe a week?

We warned her that would be the case early on and she was upset but she's entitled to her emotions. We did what was right for us after a challenging pregnancy and I don't regret a moment. It hasn't impacted my relationship with my MIL or her bond with our DC.

ETA: you'd literally be asking for a handful of days, they don't change that much in the first couple of weeks.

It isn’t unreasonable to want your mum around more, she’s your mum. Not to mention if she’s going to be more helpful too.

After having a baby, it’s about what works for you. Not trying to manage grown ups wailing about what is or isn’t ‘fair’.

You have a partner, you won't need help. They can just come for the joy, it's ok. Don't pay too much attention to the internet for this, look to real life.

Also remember that your partner will be bursting with pride and want to show his baby to his mum. Don't put up barriers you'll later regret.

I had an EMCS and complicated ELCS, no one expected anything of me other than to sit on the couch and tell them about the baby. DH was more than capable of dishing out the tea and cakes. Those lovely days are the only photos we have of my dad holding my youngest.

They don’t always, with a lot of people it’s about getting the first Facebook photos and the excitement of a newborn. Then they lose interest having previously begged to be the first to visit, cuddle them etc

It's completely your choice, it's your baby, nobody else's. I'm planning on not telling anybody when I've gone into labour and had my son so nobody has an expectations to meet him until I'm ready. Stay in that newborn bubble as long as you need, you'll never get that time back. And no you're not being selfish xx

No it’s not unfair. You will be going through either a birth or surgery, both are likely to knock you for six. It’s fine for you to want your support people around you.

We didn’t invite in-laws until a week after baby was born. I had a long labour ending in an EMCS. We were back and forward to the hospital and I was in no fit state to host visitors. When they arrived, SMIL first words were ‘Can I have a cuddle?’

It’s totally different to have people around to care for you while you care for your newborn vs people who just want baby cuddles.

You do what you feel comfortable with but I think you do need to treat both grandparents fairly. Surely your DH wants his mum to visit. I liked it when some of DH's relatives came to visit so I just gave DD to my DH and continued sleep.

It depends on how you feel after giving birth. I felt fine within a few hours after my first one and my mother, my sisters and my brother saw me later that day in the hospital. My mother in law and other relatives saw me at home the next day.

With my second one, I felt perfectly normal
and was discharged that day and family visited the same day on and off.

I have no idea about a Caesarian and imagine you would be feeling very tired and I don't think two or three days is long for a relative to wait who make sure you were feeling fine.

I had an extremely anxious and sickly IVF pregnancy after loss and a planned c section (plus PPH just after). I didn't see anyone for a few days as we had midwives coming round to check on me and help me to breastfeed, plus we had to go out for 2 appointments. I found it easy to say "he's having a feed, I don't know when he'll be finished". I was quite shaken by the PPH and getting through pregnancy, so for the first 5 days I didn't give a shit really about anyone else other than me / baby / DH.

Fine if that's what you want. But we asked people to wait a few days before coming so we could have this "bubble" we'd read about then when it came to it we got to day 1 at home and had no idea what we were meant to be hiding away from so got people round as soon as they wanted.

DC2 we had people staying as it was Christmas so I came home to a full house and it was lovely.

Get your husband to orchestrate the visit. he makes them a quick cupa and they coo over baby.

He Makes clear to all visitors that visits have to be short and sweet as you are knackered and getting feeding established etc..

most importantly he conducts the ending..

breezingly saying (after agreed time) - ‘ right grandma / let’s have the little sausage back as he’s due a feed and mama needs a rest too’

he picks baby up / hands to you - you thank them for coming and disappear to feed in your room.

I’m a MIL with grandchildren. I waited until I was invited to see the babies. I only held them if they were put into my arms and I gave them back when they started to fuss. My DIL all saw their DM before I was invited. I’m happy with that as it’s about my DIL comfort and dignity and it not about me.

I think it depends on behaviour. Anyone - parent of the mother or mil is going to be unwanted if they grab junior and refuse to hand them back. It's natural to only feel comfortable handing your baby to someone you can trust. Other mammals don't allow others to hold their offspring. I read somewhere that it's to do with scent, establishing a strong bond and birth hormones making you extra protective.

Up to you what you want to do but babies are pretty dull and I enjoyed the stream of visitors we had. Couldn't care less about who held the baby - he seemed content enough, obviously if he was fussing I'd take him back.
I had a section and was happy to get out and about from the first day back - we went to a restaurant second day so I got over breastfeeding in public pretty quick!
But only do what you feel comfortable with and just say 'no' - you don't have to let anyone else's feelings trump yours!

With my three I had straight forward births and made sure all family members met baby on the day they were born. This is because I enjoyed the hormone high I got right when baby is born. I also do not like seeing anyone once my milk starts coming in! After this, I start a strict baby bubble and don’t meet anyone (except close family popping in of course) for the next two months or so right after the initial meet up. For me, it’s about doing introductions quickly and before my body begins feeling the impact of birth/newborn stage. It has worked really well for me and everyone is always pleased at how well we all look & feel on day 1 (before the work has truly started) haha! I would absolutely hate having visitors once sleepless nights and aches and pains kick in.

It just depends on how you feel, I surprised myself that I just wanted to show my baby off to all in sundry aka Lion King style! Maybe you will feel the same, maybe you won’t so just go with the flow.

Be thankful that MiL is going away soon after the birth.