No hen do because I actually have no friends 😔

[Toujoursenfrance]

Not sure what the point of this post is other than to show myself as a massive loser….

I am engaged and me and OH have been chatting about potential stag/hen parties. His best man has thrown up some ideas for his which all sound so brilliant and I am honestly so jealous that I can’t be involved - but am adamant I won’t be, even when they both tell me it would be such a laugh to have me there.

Trouble is, I don’t think I’ll be having one myself. Because I don’t have any friends. Never have really. I’ve had acquaintances, usually people I work with but they never really want to be full friends with me. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m a horrible person. Most people who know me tell me I’m a lovely person with a great sense of humour and a laugh to be around.

I do have one friend that I’ve known for about 17 years but we’ve grown apart over the years since having our respective families and very different life choices/goals etc.
So I’ve been telling everyone I don’t want a hen party whereas I do really.
Thinking I might just book a weekend abroad somewhere hot for just myself while OH is having his, so I can wallow in my loneliness and obvious un-likability!

No, that's not true op, you are a nice person, everyone deserves friends.

Who are you inviting to the wedding? Or is it very small? Do you not have any mum friends through your kids or work friends? What about your friends from before you met your dh?

Yes exactly. Just me and loads of blokes. TBH it’s often been this way. I was always hanging round with the boys rather than the girls. They were interested in the same things as me and they were more direct. But as an adult I’ve found it weird being friends with men. There’s always the assumption that there’s something else going on and some women are cagey about their male partner having a female friend so I’ve stayed away from even male friendships I’ve had in the past. It’s sad really. One of my old male friends reached out to me recently and suggested we went for a catch up drink. I agreed politely but I know when it comes to it, I’ll suggest my OH and his wife join us just to show there’s nothing else in it.

One of my friends moved to a city ages away from her social circle and didn’t really click with anyone at work so downloaded a friend making app, and has made a few good friends that way. Why not try it?

OMG you are me, down to interests, the same age, the limited friendships (and getting on better with males) and living in Norfolk!

The wedding will be really small. My family and OH’s friends. No more than about 20 people
I don’t have any mum friends sadly. I tried going to groups but all the mums sat in their little groups and no one ever spoke to me. I felt so pathetic!
and I didn’t have any friends before meeting OH either, except the one I’d had for 17 years who is wrapped up in her family life and difficult to make arrangements with. I also made friends with my next door neighbour but I had to cut her off when I found it she was taking heroin (she was an ex user and was on methodone- which I’d only found out by finding a bottle of it in her medicine cabinet when I was round there). I tried helping and supporting but she wasn’t interested and when I moved away from her, she stopped answering my messages and calls. It’s very sad.
I’ve had friends in the past but lost touch when I moved away and when I returned, they’d either moved away themselves, or they’d made new friends and when I made contact they were very non commital and it was obvious they weren’t interested in rekindling the friendship sadly.
And then I got so caught up in doing my degree and teacher training while being a single mum to 3 young children so much that I didn’t have time to even try to make friends and I suppose I just gave up. I’m now so anxious and worried that people won’t like me, that I don’t dare try.

Wow. That is such a coincidence. It makes me feel so much better knowing there are other people out there who struggle with friendships.

I think weddings are one of those things when you’re not hugely sociable can make you feel like a loser just due to the way they are traditionally set up. Hen do for women, stag do for men. I don’t think it needs to be adhered to, or boys club for a stag. Can’t you all just do something fun together, radical thought, men and women together?? Also don’t feel bad about not having friends. More people than you think are also without a bunch of close knit friends.

Have you ever invited these people over to yours?

This sounds like a friendship waiting to happen.....x

There is a Facebook group called wild wanderers. They have many sub local groups. Join and meet people it is great

What about a spa weekend with your mum if you are close?
Congratulations and good luck for your wedding ❤️

I’ve got an idea

Where I live they do 1-3 night retreats, yoga, camping, rock climbing etc - lots of choices.

Why don’t you google where they have in your area? Book yourself to go along with a group. You’ll make friends with strangers and have new people to chat too. It’ll be a new experience, a great life experience.

Search young and free retreats Norfolk. 20-23rd Sep

“My retreats offer the perfect balance of activity and rest, nourishing movement and stillness. Expect enlivening and restorative classes, a relaxing sound bath, three nourishing meals per day, plus plenty of spare time to breathe in the fresh country air and explore enchanting wild nature.
Spend an afternoon cosied up with a book in the warmth of a log burning stove, or enjoy a refreshing wild swim in the lake or in the heated, naturally filtered pool. Make new friends around the fire pit under the stars… everything is optional. Do as much, or as little, as you like!”

got this off website

Wild and free not young and free **

Could you be autistic?

Why would she be autistic?

Neither me or DH had hen/stags and preferred it that way. We did get married abroad but neither wanted one.

I’ve attended a family version of one and a girls weekend. Wouldn’t repeat either tbh so don’t think you’re missing out.

Because trouble maintaining friendships is a sign of autism in women.

Many women OPs age go through life not realising they are autistic because women are better at masking.

I didn't have one and have no regrets whatsoever. I don't have many proper friends and reckoned a lot of the so called friends I invited would have blown me out, so decided to just not have one.
Your idea of taking yourself away for a weekend sounds amazing!!!

I see your predicament OP. And having three young children, then a degree must have taken up a lot of your time. But it sounds like you will start to have more time for socialising, esp with your DH who sounds like he's had time to make more connections.

One thought occured to me. I think that maybe you don't get invited at work because people are used to seeing you as so busy with the children etc and that became a bit of a habit of not inviting , not personal to you.
I also think that one needs to invite to be invited.
Maybe this is your chance to issue an open invitation to school colleagues to meet you in the pub after work (get some cake) and you will have something behind the bar... ( get DH to come with you for support) and don't worry about it being a "success" or not, if no one turns up, then you and DH enjoy yourselves. Don't build it up, but if people turn up, all the better. It also gives them the chance to get to know you.
Also. What about instead of a hen/stag... just invite a few ( not so many that it would overwhelm you, but the ones that Dh thinks would be the most friendly) of DH's friends and their partners, out for a meal with the two of you near to work or whatever. Then you would get to know them in a small group and they could get to know you. DH would be there helping.
Also, some great suggestions, given that you are quite sporty, further up the thread of things to do, where you could start to make new friends. Are there any park runs near you, its all on facebook. You sound very nice and there's nothing to be embarrassed about when people ask the standard questions.. just have a prepared answer...
Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding.

OP you’re so convinced it’s all pointless, I’m thinking the problem is way bigger than what’s posted here. May I kindly suggest you seek counselling for your extremely low confidence. You need to talk through all this in a professional setting where you may have to hear and realise some hard truths because nothing being said here is going to change what comes across as a you being a stubbornly unconfident person.

Only you have the power to change your situation, others won’t do it for you and your fear of rejection needs dealt with or nothing will change… and dare I say if you refuse to make any changes to improve your situation (in your eyes) then there’s zero point complaining about your life decisions.

It’s all very woe is me and yes it’s utterly shit having no friends but it’s not a permanent situation unless you let it be and you’re letting it be that.

I didn't have a hen do because they weren't really a thing 30 odd years ago.

I'm also in the friendless zone , although I could probably pull up some old school friends if I were to remarry.

This post could've been written bu me, only I don't have anyone to want to marry me in the first place 😂
FOMO is definitely real!

It’s OK. Not everyone hunts in a pack. I never did.