No hen do because I actually have no friends 😔

[Toujoursenfrance]

Not sure what the point of this post is other than to show myself as a massive loser….

I am engaged and me and OH have been chatting about potential stag/hen parties. His best man has thrown up some ideas for his which all sound so brilliant and I am honestly so jealous that I can’t be involved - but am adamant I won’t be, even when they both tell me it would be such a laugh to have me there.

Trouble is, I don’t think I’ll be having one myself. Because I don’t have any friends. Never have really. I’ve had acquaintances, usually people I work with but they never really want to be full friends with me. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m a horrible person. Most people who know me tell me I’m a lovely person with a great sense of humour and a laugh to be around.

I do have one friend that I’ve known for about 17 years but we’ve grown apart over the years since having our respective families and very different life choices/goals etc.
So I’ve been telling everyone I don’t want a hen party whereas I do really.
Thinking I might just book a weekend abroad somewhere hot for just myself while OH is having his, so I can wallow in my loneliness and obvious un-likability!

All those things are very expensive and time consuming. OP has kids and no money for fitness classes so I can see why she doesn't do them regularly.
You don't make friends going to things 'once a month' IME, even if you go to the socials you're surrounded by people planning the next activity based meetup. The other stuff comes after , not before.

I like a few of these things like climbing but don't want to pay £££ every time I want to do it. So I chose pole dance (quite a few studios in my area), bought a pole and it's great.

I do think people choosing to move to a s town or similar need to consider all this stuff.

I suppose my question is what would make you happy? Like I don't know you, I don't know your views on life, whether you are marrying your first boyfriend or even whether it's your first husband. But I think the traditional ideas of a "hen do" are defunct. For many their wedding night won't be the first time they've had sex with this person. Many will have done the deed with others, and with the one they are about to marry. Many won't have given up on jobs or careers, because now they are marrying they will only be a housewife, and most I would think will still have days, even maybe nights, with their female friends even after marriage. What I am saying is that a hen do is just a chance to do something that makes you happy really. It doesn't have to be a big group, or drunk and rowdy or anything.

I got married 20 years ago, and for my 'Hen do' I went for a posh dinner with my Mum, my sister, 2 friends and my future SIL, we had a lovely evening! DH had a traditional Stag - pub crawl with 10 of his friends, brother and my Dad.

However, if we were getting married now, in our mid (me) to late (DH) 40's, neither of us would have anyone other than family to invite - I think for some people, the number of friends you have diminishes as you get older.

My DSis got married a few years ago and she is a hugely sociable soul - I organised her Hen, and there were 40-odd women on the guest list, and 35 of them liked my sister enough to spend nearly £400 and give up a whole weekend to celebrate with her - a couple of women even flew in from abroad! She had a brilliant weekend, but it was definitely not my idea of a good time (I don't think I even know 40 people well enough to invite for a coffee, let alone a whole weekend)!

I would just do whatever makes you happy, and try not to worry what other people will think. This is your time, and if you choose to spend it with your Fiancé on his Stag, or alone on a beach, as long as you are enjoying yourself, that's literally all that matters - congratulations!

You've had some lovely suggestions of things you might chose to do instead of a hen. About your sadness about your lack of friends - you may still make friends in the future. I'm retired, and I think friends can be collected at different times of your life and in different circumstances. For example I am friends with someone I met at a coffee morning after DC1 was born 38 years ago and neither of us knew anyone else with a new baby; with someone I met at a pilates class; two people from an art class; one old school friend; a man I met on holiday 50 years ago (just a friend) and a couple of other people. I am friends with someone I met on an overcrowded train full of men commuting home after work and the men wouldn't move up to make room for me and she rolled her eyes and we both started laughing, and then chatting.

I read all the posts above - and suddenly realised that I didn't have a hen party either. At the time I didn't even notice. And I hadn't realised till just now. 🙄

I can understand your sadness, please do whatever will make you feel ok, something outdoors and wild, something out of the ordinary, something extravagant and posh or something totally ordinary. As much or as little as you want to do.

OP, you are not a loser!

I was always told I'm a great person but like you have no friends.
No birthday parties as a kid, Very isolated as a child / teen.
Met hubby who is ,like me a great person but also friendless.
Myself and my hubby just had a joint get together in pub with a few folk before our wedding
Wedding was very small,13 of us including us.
Had a big family of 5 kids to make up for lack of friends I guess .
Never had visitors when I had babies,no baby showers, no parties at Christmas or new year.
No cards or presents.
We are both friendless .
Now I'm 66 and he is 72
We are each others best friend but
I dread to think what will happen when one of us pops their clogs,

OP, I also think Hen parties are overrated. I actively avoid them. They are always uncomfortable, there’s always drama with someone. Going out for dinner and drinks with a few willy straws is one thing. But Christ, when it turns into a £700 trip to Tenerife for a long weekend of repeatedly getting ready for happy hour and puking on a sailboat: I’m unavailable for that. No thanks.

I never had a hen. Didn’t miss it.
Lots of my friends haven’t had them.

Go on that spa trip with your mum! Sounds wonderful.

I like the sound of your preferred activities.. there are women who enjoy these things.. Pretty Gritty Women .. for example. I have also found other hiking and swimming groups and in my late mid 30's, went on a women's snowboarding week in Morzine... it is challenging but not impossible to find kindred spirits. My best hiking buddy was not someone I would have gravitated towards if we met socially but we are perfect hiking and cross country skiing buddies and have become great friends.

My daughter is 17 and has struggled to convince her friends to do the things she enjoys and we have searched together to find ways to find her people... there were options.. especially for women in the 20's..

As for your hen... I am sorry you don't have a crew you can have a night out with to mark this event in your life..

Check out the movie ‘Yes Man’ (not a spoiler), and see the hen party is work people and some who just recently came into the picture and none of her friends.

Maybe it's a chance to get to know some of those acquaintances better. Ive been to a hen party where Id met the Bride and Groom twice before and that was at a wedding and an engagement party. The groom was my then DH's old friends he hadn't seen for years.

My DSis got married a few years ago and she is a hugely sociable soul - I organised her Hen, and there were 40-odd women on the guest list, and 35 of them liked my sister enough to spend nearly £400 and give up a whole weekend to celebrate with her - a couple of women even flew in from abroad! She had a brilliant weekend, but it was definitely not my idea of a good time (I don't think I even know 40 people well enough to invite for a coffee, let alone a whole weekend)!

That’s impressive @OliveWah I also don’t know if I have 40 people to invite for a coffee let alone a hen party and I’d say I’m fairly sociable!😆 A celebration of that size is not my cup of tea for a hen party either, but I think it’s great your sister has so many good friends and she was able to have the sort of hen party that she wanted!

She has obviously invested time, energy and effort into these women over the years and been a great friend and she’s receiving that back. I think some people don’t get that and think friends are like actors who should pop up and play a role in their life for a particular occasion . True friends are people you’ve valued and really got to know and spent time with over the years and as a result of that bond they went to attend your hen or your 40th or whatever.

I know a girl who threw herself a baby shower, no-one turned up except her mum and sister and nieces. She probably wonders why but seeing how little she invests in her friendships and her friends kids I totally understand. She wanted the “village” when it suited her and it doesn’t often work like that.

Ugh that sucks ! And that’s the flipside, while I do maintain people need to invest in friendships and can’t expect people to attend their celebrations if they didn’t bother developing friendships, sometimes you can do all the right things and people just don’t reciprocate ever.

You did well to stop chasing those people though, one sided friendships aren’t really friendships. I have definitely ended friendships if I sense it’s all me making an effort. One friend I know is so bad at keeping in contact but once I stopped texting almost 18 months went by and hadn’t heard from her so I messaged her earlier this year. She replied all excited saying she would travel to my city and visit soon and she’d call me that weekend for a catch up . That was back in May. Haven’t heard from her since, no ill feeling towards her but I’ve decided I won’t message her again if I don’t hear from her.

I sent you a PM :)

I think maybe a hen do is a bit too studenty for a busy Mum like you. Most women your age have moved beyond having a group of female friends to go on a hen do with. You are clearly friends with your fiancés best man. I’d do something g with your joint friends.

This sounded like me over 25 years ago. No real friends to invite to anything, so I didn’t. Spent the evening at home with my mum and aunt who were not the most exciting, landed up eating then watching TV. The wedding was small, no friends.no bridesmaids as had no one in family to ask. Years later I still have no friends but now the kids have grown up, I’m definitely going to try to find some to nurture a relationship with.

Have a wonderful day OP and do what works for you!

Op in your last post you never said anything about what you are going to change, or what you are going to do to change this, not necessarily for the hen do itself, but for friendships generally.

You do say you'd like a group to go away with for the weekend, but you haven't said anything about what you are going to actually do, to create or strengthen the friendships, into a friend/s with whom you can do those things.

You've been offered loads of great advice but don't seem to have taken any of it onboard. So moving forward, what will you do to change things?

@Dancenunderthemoon

Makes a very good point:

"I think some people don’t get that and think friends are like actors who should pop up and play a role in their life for a particular occasion . True friends are people you’ve valued and really got to know and spent time with over the years".

If you want friends you have to make the effort and invest the time.

If you want to go biking down a hill :

"I’m more of a lets mountain bike down this dirt trail, go karting, ball sports, snowboarding, adrenaline fuelled activities kind of person. "

then great, get doing that then! And I'm sure you'll find like minded people to do it with.

OP only one person has ever asked if I had a hen do. When I said no, admittedly she looked quite shocked & a bit embarrassed - the reaction you're fearing. Because I owned it, the reaction didn't bother me, but at least it was a rarely asked question.

I've spoken to many people who didn't do stags or hens, mainly because they didn't get around to planning it / feel the need - the wedding celebration was enough.

For me, birthdays was triggering and not having enough friends to do a parties etc. I suppose for you, this hen is triggering so I can relate.

I find with friendships, you need to keep on making them at whatever age and stage, they come and go! So you end up very well practiced.

The more I go through life the more I learn that someone’s friend count doesn’t have any association with how good a person or how likeable they are. It’s just about people who consistently show up for stuff. I know some really nasty bitchy people with kids of friends who are just sociable and will
turn up to loads of stuff and make loads of effort and I know lovely people who don’t have a lot of people around them. I always think anyone can have friends if you are willing to put in the effort needed to form a friendship.

if you feel a bit lonely start making friendships from
your acquaintances or maybe you are just one of those people that cannot be bothered with people’s BS lol

There are 2 issues here. 1) the hen party snd 2) do you want more friends?

Would the hen party be soonish or next year? If it's soonish, I would just take the pressure off, accept it's not happening, say you are not really that traditional and don't want to organise it. No biggie.

Then if you really want to cultivate more friendships. Set about that in a determined way. Join women's groups of hobbies you are interested in. Join a choir, a walking group. I think making friends in your 40s is hard but not impossible.

There are definitely terrible people with a decent amount of friends, just as there are horrible people with long lasting marriages and awful people with great jobs, and so on….

But I would say it makes sense that part of being a good friend (as opposed to just proclaiming yourself as a “likeable” or “lovely person” ) is actually about that effort and showing up for the people you count as friends - and that’s not a bad thing.

Why should I turn up to someone’s hen or birthday event because they claim they’re a great person when they’ve not actively been a friend to me?

People’s time and energy is limited and many of us want to spend it with people we enjoy being with and who are genuinely interested in us . And vice-versa - if someone doesn’t enjoy being spending time with me and isn’t interested in me beyond me filling a seat at their events I’d rather not bother as that’s not the kind of “friendship” I want to have.

I don’t see the point in changing anything. I’ve tried over the years to get friends and I’ve given up. I’m 41 now. I just don’t get it.
I honestly can’t see what else I could do. I’ve tried everything. People just don’t seem to want me as a friend sadly

And to those of you that have suggested that my OH is my best friend- absolutely. We often say that to each other. We enjoy so many of the same things and have so much fun together.

Two of my friends had a joint stag and hen do. It was really lovely and inclusive. Do that!

I think joint hen and stags are fine it that's what people want to do, but I think it would be a bit strange/awkward for the bride to be tagging along solo on a stag weekend.