No hen do because I actually have no friends 😔

[Toujoursenfrance]

Not sure what the point of this post is other than to show myself as a massive loser….

I am engaged and me and OH have been chatting about potential stag/hen parties. His best man has thrown up some ideas for his which all sound so brilliant and I am honestly so jealous that I can’t be involved - but am adamant I won’t be, even when they both tell me it would be such a laugh to have me there.

Trouble is, I don’t think I’ll be having one myself. Because I don’t have any friends. Never have really. I’ve had acquaintances, usually people I work with but they never really want to be full friends with me. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m a horrible person. Most people who know me tell me I’m a lovely person with a great sense of humour and a laugh to be around.

I do have one friend that I’ve known for about 17 years but we’ve grown apart over the years since having our respective families and very different life choices/goals etc.
So I’ve been telling everyone I don’t want a hen party whereas I do really.
Thinking I might just book a weekend abroad somewhere hot for just myself while OH is having his, so I can wallow in my loneliness and obvious un-likability!

And this is where you both plan to meet up, surely? Both local to each other and both in the same boat with same interests...

Also I used to be a bit like you but realised the issue lay with me. Not that I wasn't fun or that people didn't like me but I wasn't making the effort to pursue the friendships.

Just talking to people will get you nowhere. You need to take the first step and ask "people out". Something casual to start with - lunch on your work break. Whatever and build up from there. The more out there you are, the more you will get back.

You say you don't want to plan work drinks for fear of rejection, I say go for it! Ask! Make it sound casual. Just invite a couple of people. Intimate usually works better than inviting a lathe group. Ask a couple of people to go for a drink.

As my mum used to say, you already have the no. Avoiding asking won't get you the yes.

Just invite people from work. That's what I did, there were about 8 of us but it was a good night.... even if we ended up round after the pub mine dancing to Gary Glitter Before his crimes had been revealed though!

You need to stop with the comparisons and do something you want to do that day.

I also do not have a lot of friends (maybe 4 at most) but my boyfriend has zero friends. I know that he will certainly struggle if we ever get engaged.

If I was in your situation, I would either:

• Treat myself to a spa day where I got massages, some chilled alone time etc

• Invite my mum out for a nice girly lunch and drinks, possibly an overnight in a nice hotel?

Although I have friends, the older I get, I am just not into "parties" etc and would much rather go out for a meal with a few people, or have a nice spa weekend away with my mum.

When I got married, I did still have a lot of friends (was only 18), but I opted for a hen party meal, with just female family members from my family and ex-husband's family. Just because others have a big celebration, doesn't mean everyone has to do it. I really enjoyed the meal, and the company of all the female family members ❤️

I think you did absolutely the right thing! A lovely, relaxing meal with friends/relations sounds perfect. I'm old fashioned, I know, but I roll my eyes at the expensive and OTT hen-dos whIch I read about on MN. They seem to cause endless problem, stress, conflict and resentment and very little joy!

Op step outside of your comfort zone. Stop wallowing and do something about this. Pick a date and arrange a Norfolk meet up with the local people on this thread who have said they’d like to meet.

And send a message out to your work colleagues - as pp said, keep it casual, something along the lines of ‘hey, I’m getting married on x date and wondered if any of you fancy a little hen-drink at the pub after work on the Friday before?’ Bite the bullet. Sure, some might not want to, but I bet you some will! You’ve got to start somewhere. You CAN do it.

Dear OP, reading your post was pretty much like reading about my own life at the moment (except I'm not in a relationship). I've struggled with friendships for the most part of my life, as I'm a little bit of an introvert. A few months ago I was feeling sorry for myself, and started doing some soul-searching, and as it turns out, there was a time in my life when I felt incredibly comfortable with people. And then it dawned on me that I had felt that way simply because I decided I was going to make new friends, in spite of myself, and I did, it was a decision, simple as that. What I'm trying to say is, some people here have suggested a meet-up, so why not just give that a try? You gotta start somewhere. Sometimes all we have to do is make a decision in order to see things happening in our lives. I do think you can make it, and I wish you all the best.😊

Just wanted to say I was in your shoes. My friends really showed their true colours before I got married, but there was also the realisation I really don't have any good friends, maybe one.

That one good friend held a hen with some less close friends. Not that I was expecting much but they just planned to take me to a pub. I was made to pay for myself and everyone left within about two hours. So I would say, if this is already touching a sore point don't have one. The outcome of a planned hen will hurt even more.

let this be a new avenue to make new friends, and treat yourself to a lovely weekend to celebrate YOU. No pressure, no let downs- even if it's a nice beauty treatment, I would 100% go for it!

if it’s not your thing then stop feeling bad about not having a cliche hen do. I am conflicted myself as I have just a few friends, who are relatively new friends, but again they don’t know eachother and i can’t be bothered to host a load of people who feel awkward. I’m going to just do a walking/spa/nice meal at a hotel with carefully selected close family and maybe one friend because those are things I enjoy. Please don’t feel the pressure to have a traditional hen if that’s really not your thing, with or without lots of friends you’d be better off doing what you enjoy

Thanks for all the responses. It’s great to see how many people are being kind and making me feel better. I don’t quite feel such a loser now!

Those of you that keep saying to step out of comfort zone and start trying to fix my fears about trying to make friends, I hear what you’re saying. And I will make an attempt on this. I know it’s the only way. And if I get rejected, I think I’m now at the point in my life where it won’t be so devastating. I have a nice life now and I don’t feel I need it as much as I used to crave it in the past. That’s not to say I wouldn’t love friends, because I would. But it won’t hurt so much if I fail anymore.

To those that keep saying ‘who needs a hen party’ or ‘they’re not all they’re cracked up to be’. I 100% agree. That’s not important to me. I’m not exactly going for anything even remotely traditional with the wedding. It’s more about the feeling that I want to do what OH is doing for his- it sounds fun. I want to do it too- but with my own friends.

And to those that have suggested I may be ND, yeah maybe. But I’d never want t a diagnosis. What’s the point? Would it mean I’d suddenly have loads of friends? Doubt it. It may give me a reason as to why I find certain things difficult, but it won’t help.

If someone has any confidence boosting serum, I’ll go for that 😊

I don’t have any confidence boosting serum but I can say you come across like a really nice person from your posts. Congratulations on your wedding and good luck with putting yourself out there!

No idea if you're ND or not but these days with so many people being misanthropic, burnt out with time pressures or genuinely believing that you should only have time for your "little family" I'm not convinced that struggling to make friends is even a sign of anything now. Even a very socially adept person will struggle in an environment with so many of the types of people I've referred to.

Agree, there's not much point of a late diagnosis unless you need it for adjustments at work.

But you can still self identify as ND, even if you don't share it with anyone. And the point of that is that it might stop you feeling ashamed of things like not having friends to invite to a hen night.

To be honest, if you really think you would enjoy a traditional hen night, I'd say it's unlikely you are autistic. But perhaps you don't really like those kind of group social events but feel you should...in which case it's worth considering, because being ND would explain why you feel that way and take away the shame.

I only suggest this because a diagnosis was life changing for me. And I am slowly starting to make friendships with my own kind (other autistic women).

it’s often overrated !

I don’t have a wide circle of friends, I did at school but I guess you grow. The circle has got smaller as I’ve got older, I have lots of acquaintances or maybe friends but none I’d want to go on holiday with, just because I’d prefer to be with my own family.

honestly all my friends who are part of larger groups constantly moan about them and the in fighting is chronic even if you never hear about it. I have 1-2 close friends and I’d rather that, one lives near and the other is miles away.

If you want to change your circumstance build friendships at work or start trying hobby clubs inc crochet (in vogue at the moment). I would say a local book club but be prepared they can be cliquey. Half the time these girl weeks away can be not what Instagram makes you think.

If you’re planning to have children you may find friends that way too, if if you have a dog with dog walking.

also your soon to be hubby and invite his friends and their partners over. Just start to slowly build connnections, take your time, feel ok to not always be invited. Just be happy, cheery and people will start to learn you’re ok and it will come from there.

good luck.

It's okay to go on a trip and enjoy yourself. You cannot make friends appear overnight.

After the marriage you may want to work on this. I don't know if this is you, but I tend to stay home from social events because I'm introverted. I'm tired from my job and I don't have the energy it takes to socialize. I'm forcing myself to go out and do things, even if nobody talks to me and/or I don't have the courage to approach others.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!

I didn't have a hen do either. Nor did I have anyone to celebrate any birthdays with me. On my 40th I got one card from my mum. Same as you I don't think I'm a horrible person. I just don't have friends. Im an introvert I guess. Perhaps you have family you could go for a meal with?

Go to vegas with your mum - you’ll have a blast

All I can suggest has already been suggested really. Try to think of something special that you would like to do, just for yourself.
It could be anything, from a spa day to a hot air balloon ride, just to have something to look forward to something to remember.
I didn't have a hen do & have never been invited to one. No fancy wedding, at work in the morning & back to work the next day. But a long & happy marriage, which is the important thing.

It's hard not to feel left out, though, isn't?

Oh yes. Book a lovely spa weekend and wallow in the luxury of P&Q

Years ago when friends of mine were getting married (later divorced) a hen do was either a nightclub or a meal. Long weekends, or even weeks, away were unheard of. The few I went on were okay, but nothing to write home about so it's unlikely you will miss out on anything.

Why not have a weekend away with your Mum and your kids as a last holiday before you become a bigger family. Hens are okay for 20 somethings but in your 40s you have better things to do.

I used to get asked by "kids" at work why I didn't go to clubs etc and I said I did when I was their age but that I'd grown out of it. Your priorities change and especially so having the responsibility of 3 children, I can't imagine how you would find time to socialize and make friends.

There is another post on here about a lady who went on holiday with a so-called friend and two groups of other women and had such a terrible time she came home early. You want everything about your wedding to be memorable for the right reasons, you are the bride and you can do what the hell you like. Don't think you should have a hen-do just because other people do, be the individual that you are and do something that you enjoy not what you imagine you should do.

I was the same. I had no hen do. No baby showers. No one has ever thrown me a party and my family are dysfunctional and would lift a finger for me. I have a few good friends all over the planet. I´m very selective as people have hurt me so I don´t let them in. It is crappy when you have no one to invite to a simple hen do however. I feel for you. xxx

I had my hen party recently... invited 15 friends/family and only 4 actually came! We stayed in a gorgeous apartment had a bed each, did bottomless brunches and got absolutely hammered, I had an amazing time but before I went I had it in my head that people would think I hardly had any friends but I didn't end up caring at all. Could you have a Sten party? Maybe some of his friends wives could go along? Invite your long term friend and people from work, you never know they might fancy it!

Again, I find it apalling how much stress is concentrated around a wedding.
Its sad, that a joyful occasion (you getting married) turns into a siurce of sadness and self-loathing just because you can’t reproduce some tradition that is aimed at people who are getting married very young.

sure, if you are just out of school you jump at every opportunity to go and have a party. But the explanation for your situation could be just as easy as your acquaintances (friends!) just have a lot of responsibilities while those of your husband (to be) don’t have as much on their plate.

Also: unless you tell those people that you consider them closest to you, they won’t assume that they are (how should they know whether you might have a family member or a childhood friend whom you are even closer with)

There’s no shame in your situation, no even a reason to wallow (unless that’s your gig for drinking 😉).
Just think about something you’d really like to do and think about who you would like to share this experience with.
Maybe offer to cover a bit of the costs but don’t feel obliged to.

It can be as simple as a spa day with 2-3 of your friends combined with a bottomless brunch.
And then think about some small tasks that you might want to outsource: organise a taxi to get there.

This is a great idea . Not traditional , but traditions are over rated IMO .

Alternatively , a weekend away by yourself would be a great plan too !
Totally agree with the poster who mentioned about scraping the barrel when it comes to big gatherings etc !

Do what makes YOU happy !

Congrats BTW x

Please don't put your yourself down. You are not a saddo. Your are worthwhile. I too have no friends in the town where I live and now my marriage of 21 years is ending. I will have to go out and make new connections. I was lonely in the marriage and this might become you in the future if you are not careful. If your future husband has a social life but you don't.
What are your interests? How about going to a club (or starting one via facebook). I guarantee you will find like minded people to hang around with. Embrace your uniqueness. Sending a big hug.