No hen do because I actually have no friends 😔

[Toujoursenfrance]

Not sure what the point of this post is other than to show myself as a massive loser….

I am engaged and me and OH have been chatting about potential stag/hen parties. His best man has thrown up some ideas for his which all sound so brilliant and I am honestly so jealous that I can’t be involved - but am adamant I won’t be, even when they both tell me it would be such a laugh to have me there.

Trouble is, I don’t think I’ll be having one myself. Because I don’t have any friends. Never have really. I’ve had acquaintances, usually people I work with but they never really want to be full friends with me. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m a horrible person. Most people who know me tell me I’m a lovely person with a great sense of humour and a laugh to be around.

I do have one friend that I’ve known for about 17 years but we’ve grown apart over the years since having our respective families and very different life choices/goals etc.
So I’ve been telling everyone I don’t want a hen party whereas I do really.
Thinking I might just book a weekend abroad somewhere hot for just myself while OH is having his, so I can wallow in my loneliness and obvious un-likability!

Hi op
I created this account to let you know I know how you feel. And all the people who are surprised just don't get what it's like.
I am going to send you a pm

Hi, I feel the same as you. I'm also great and likeable with no besties 😁 Where do you live? We can meet up and celebrate your upcoming nuptials ❤️
Feel free to pm me 😂
Am not a loon, I realise most people who say they're not a loon, turn out to be........
🫂

Try joining a Bluetits Chill Swimmers group…..is this one near you?
https://m.facebook.com/groups/319419546101988/?ref=share

I started a year ago just for the swim, fitness, menopause symptoms distraction and they are such an amazing group I’ve ended up with more friends than I have time spare !!!! Go alone to an organised swim and you’ll be made welcome

I have similar interests and would be bored on a spa day too...or any typical hen do activities 😅 Used to live in Norfolk and moved to the big city because it was, indeed, too boring. How about a surf camp trip with your mum?

For future friends, maybe there's a martial arts club near you that does cheap classes that you could join? Rarely great to meet more like-minded women, though. Start your own informal club e.g. women's five a side?

I totally feel the same as you. Its painful xxx but you're not the only one xx

Nine or ten actual friends at your funeral
is LOADS!!!!!! 🤣🤣

I have the same issue. My friends all moved abroad! Not within Europe, 1 went to USA, 3 in Africa and 1 in the Middle east. Left me alone and when I turned 30 realised had no friends close to home to do things with. I tried massively to be more outgoing to get involved but never formed friendships that are meaningful. Very one sided I make a massive effort but not reciprocated. I miss my best friends so much!!
When I got married my hen party was just 2 people, 2 younger cousins like 10 years younger who I get on with but due to age, they are too cool to be seen with me. So wasn't what I wanted at all. But it was something. 2 cousins, Mum and Aunty. That was it.

ummmmm….this is perhaps a slightly unkind “boast”’given the nature of the OP’s problem!

I doubt you meant it that way, but still…

How much effort do you put into friendships? Do you ask people out for coffee, follow up and make sure you check in via texts to see how they are? I think it’s really important to try and peruse friendships of your own generally.
With regards to your hen, what do you want to do? Who is it you’d want there? The whole idea is to have fun before your wedding with people who aren’t your partner. Do something nice with your mum and go away if you like. What you’d normally enjoy doing I suppose.

What would your ideal hen do be like OP?

im wondering how much of your lack of friends is actually lack of confidence? You’re too scared to tell people you want a hen do so you lie & based on your current lack of involvement in social events they’re going to believe you. Maybe start telling people you’d love one but don’t know where to begin and be honest about worrying no one would come.

When people describe you as nice to others they’re not saying that to be kind, if you’re not there to hear it they have no reason to lie. You’re likeable so you have the potential to be friends but something is holding you back and in turn that holds them back.

I’m older than you and I say this as someone who has to learn all this the hard way. I have lost all my friends over the years - not through fights or arguments but mostly because of my lack of confidence and their not wanting to have to deal with my constant lack of confidence that shows even when I think it doesn’t.

If you plan a do and two people show up, it’s two friends you didn’t expect. It’s really scary taking that risk but could the what ifs and loneliness be even worse?

I wanted to post op to say please don't worry about this. For starters you don't have to have a hen do. It didn't even cross my mind to have one. I did have a few friends but not lots and I certainly wouldn't mix them all together, with family too, in weird forced event. Secondly I think a lot of hen dos/baby showers etc basically involve people who aren't really good friends at all and are there to make up the numbers. How many posts are there on here about people who don't really want to go to these events? I know loads of people irl who get invited to these sorts of things and don't know why as they barely know the person. So whilst it may feel like everyone else has massive friendship circles I don't think that's based on reality.

I've never been to a hen do. Never been invited. when I got married we did a joint meal out with family the night before the wedding.

You sound like my sort of person!

I'm in my early 40s and got my black belt kick boxing last year! I organised my friends hen and we did a high ropes thing!

I'd perhaps see if the couple of nice people you work with want to go to the Go Ape thing with you as a hen party as your sister and friend live too far away.

If you would enjoy a weekend away in Europe with you mum do that. I think generally hen dos are a waste of money and can be a bit ‘enforced fun’ especially if people don’t know each other.

i couldn’t have one either. I am the person who went to everyone’s birthdays, hens, weddings, etc etc chased up with people, travelled around the country to see people. In return, absolutely nothing.
I actually had enough and stopped making an effort and basically have been dumped I think as I don’t hear from people if I don’t chase them.

Why not have a weekend away with your mum and sister and do go karting or something? You don't have to have a 'girly' weekend if you don't want to! Or invite a few colleagues for a meal out at a fun venue, there's themed bars that do crazy golf, darts, cocktail making?

OK don't have a hen do then. But from the fact you've posted I take it you regret not having more friends. Its often about just making an effort. Get a hobby, join a club, invite people for coffee.

However if you're planning to have kids you'll go to baby groups and can meet friends there anyway.

I’d like you as a friend! You are obviously well travelled. I have friends who have moved all over and we see each other and it’s like no time has passed. The friends who got married young, never been anywhere, are the ones who are in “different places.”

I must be unusual as I love having conversations with friends/people who have completely different lives, goals, outlooks and opinions on life. Makes for interesting chat - you learn and have your opinion changed on a topic. Being closed off leads to this situation where you have no friends.

Op you have a mum, sister and friend of 17 years!! You definitely have enough there to have a hen do even if it's just a meal out.

Does your partner have a sister or are you friends with any of his mates partners? Have you got a work colleague you could invite as well?

Friendships take effort, you have to be brave and suggest going out etc not wait to be invited to things.

Thanks so much for all the messages. It’s really nice to see so many people actually take the time to reply and offer suggestions. It has actually made me feel a lot better already so thanks. It probably doesn’t mean so much but it does.
I obviously can’t answer all messages individually but I’ll address a few of the points that have been raised a few times by various people.

It’s not that I particularly want a hen do per se. It’s more about the fact that I can’t have a select group of people that I can get together with and do fun things with. Talk to. Go on a spa break with. Gossip with. Discuss choices with etc etc. And with regards to the hen- it’s that people will ask why I’m not having one, why I don’t have a MOH, why don’t I have any friends. I find it embarrassing that I’m such a loser.

With the suggestions of spa days or afternoon tea, or a restaurant meal with mum and/sister. Although I’d like this and of course I’d enjoy it, I suppose it’s a FOMO thing. I’m so jealous of OH epic fun stag plans. I want that too. But not with him for the reasons explained in a previous post. OH’s best man did suggest that we have a sort of STEN do, in that both parties start in one city (probably Europe such as Budapest or Amsterdam) then the parties split. Both parties have a list of activities and a list of places that they have to complete/visit on the way back to all meet up back in London where we have a final STEN party. Like a 4 day thing altogether. I had to pretend I didn’t really like the idea of it, whereas I love it. It sounds so much fun. But I just didn’t want to admit I didn’t have any friends to do it with.

In regards to the suggestions of asking colleagues to go for a drink, I really can’t. I’m too worried that they’d either say an outright no and I’d feel even more of a loser or they’d say yes to be polite and it may end being really awkward. I’ve recently changed jobs. In my last job, although I worked physically on my own (as a teacher), t had a department that I worked in close quarters with who I thought may be friends, but even after 5 years, I still wasn’t getting invites and being left out of works social events. I still have no idea why. By the last year, I really gave up and just kept myself to myself. This new job (as a librarian in a school) means I work on my own pretty much all of the time. The only people I get to see on a regular basis are the students. And thank god for them because otherwise I’d be going stir crazy! The only adults who speak to me, do so just in relation to work and although they’ll chat and laugh with other staff, they don’t with me. I’ve tried making conversation but they are just not interested it seems. So no, I really don’t feel brave enough to invite any of these for drinks. The rejection really might turn me into a cat collecting hermit!

I just went out for a meal with my mum and sister before the wedding. I didn’t think anything of it.

Who are the "Everyone has beennasking me if I am having a hen do" these sound like the people who want to be at your hen do????

Is there online things you can join where people in a similar situation are looking to make friends? There will be lots of people in this same situation where they have no one to ask...it could be that there's a best friend waiting to happen that you haven't found yet.

Have a bridal shower with your family with a few drinks and games.
Or go and get pampered for a night at a swanky place with a friend or colleague or relative when he has his stag. It will probably be nicer than a traditional drunken hen. I still cringe remembering the drunken drama at mine that I could have done without!

I wonder if it might help to change the definition in your head of what a hen party means - it doesn’t necessarily mean a big social gathering. The point is that you’re celebrating your “last night of freedom” (I know that’s more associated with a traditional stag, but there’s not another phrase that really encapsulates what I’m about to say).

So instead of thinking you’re missing out on a party, think about what you’d like to do as your last opportunity to do it properly before you get married. Maybe that is the solo trip somewhere amazing you said about earlier in the thread? Maybe there’s somewhere you’d love to go that you know your soon-to-be DH wouldn’t enjoy.

So maybe a mindset shift from “I’m missing out on a hen party” to “I have this opportunity to do something for me before I get married” might help you see the positives?

Are you an introvert? I am and I don't have any friends really but it's my own fault because I don't reach out or make the first move.