No hen do because I actually have no friends 😔

[Toujoursenfrance]

Not sure what the point of this post is other than to show myself as a massive loser….

I am engaged and me and OH have been chatting about potential stag/hen parties. His best man has thrown up some ideas for his which all sound so brilliant and I am honestly so jealous that I can’t be involved - but am adamant I won’t be, even when they both tell me it would be such a laugh to have me there.

Trouble is, I don’t think I’ll be having one myself. Because I don’t have any friends. Never have really. I’ve had acquaintances, usually people I work with but they never really want to be full friends with me. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m a horrible person. Most people who know me tell me I’m a lovely person with a great sense of humour and a laugh to be around.

I do have one friend that I’ve known for about 17 years but we’ve grown apart over the years since having our respective families and very different life choices/goals etc.
So I’ve been telling everyone I don’t want a hen party whereas I do really.
Thinking I might just book a weekend abroad somewhere hot for just myself while OH is having his, so I can wallow in my loneliness and obvious un-likability!

I have been invited to loads of hen do''s, I would say 25 plus. Out of them all I would say I am friends with about 4 of those people, no exaggeration. Some people really do invite anyone, someone I met once on a hen do sent me an invite to their hen do six months later for example and i was invited very much to make up the numbers.

My point is don't be fooled into believing that everyone else has loads of friends because most people really don't. I agree with the idea of doing something nice on your own or with your mum.

I just had afternoon tea with my two close friends and then it gave me food poisoning so it's not something I look back on fondly 😬

Absolutely. However, I think we are in the minority on that.

Why not have a Mumsnet hen night?

When I first moved to the town I live in now, Mumsnet Local and (sorry-not-sorry!) Netmums Meet-A-Mum board were how I made friends!

The Mumsnet meet ups in my area were big groups of women leaving the DC at home so we could go to a restaurant for a boozy meal, and the Netmums one was kinda like dating! You'd meet one other mum with your DC in town, somewhere public (park / softplay) and if you got on you'd see each other again. I made two solid friends this way and other acquaintances and it really helped me settle into my new town.

It's a shame neither board exists in the same way anymore.

But, if you had a Mumsnet hen party it'd be like a Mumsnet Local meeting,l of old, but with a very special theme - celebrating your wedding.

I reckon you should go for it. Choose something you'd like to do - restaurant / evening out etc - or mountain biking / horse riding, why not if it's what you really enjoy - and see who here is reasonably local and wants to join you. What have you got to loose? Even if you never see any of them again, it'd be a fun thing to do and a nice memory. And you never know, you might even find some friends.

Your partner is probably your best mate and you are going to be marrying him!! Congratulations.

Now book yourself a spa day and think nothing of it.

I’m childless in my 30’s, had a few friends who have said we are “in such different places” to each other now. Like I’m a different person to who I’ve always been. I would accommodate and adjust to their new life so why not do the same. You have the right attitude to friendship - it’s the person you are friends with, circumstances are irrelevant.

Some people just like big parties and an "open doors, the more the merrier" kind of do. Nothing wrong with wanting to keep it small and intimate if that's your thing, but nothing wrong with saying everyone's welcome if that's your thing.

Would you consider a solo adventure weekend or something similar with your mum? If she's not as into activities as you perhaps meet afterwards for a meal?

If I were you, I’d go for an afternoon tea, spa day or mini break with my mum, and maybe sister. I’d regret having a big night out or similar with acquaintances. Cherish the people who matter most. Weddings and hens dos don’t need to be extravagant. I personally think it isn’t the norm, it’s just what you see on social media. You can always have a fun trip with your husband and his friends another time.

I feel you, OP. I always say to my husband I see everyone out with their friends all the time, but nobody thinks about me. I have acquaintances, sports friend (netball and cricket but also really enjoy doing the things you mentioned), work colleagues etc.. but no friend friends. Have tried being the person to invite/host new people and it always fizzles out quicker than it started.

I've stopped trying and just stick with the one or two friends I do occasionally see now and throw myself into the kids, work and sports. I've come to terms with it, and honestly I really enjoy my own company! I know that doesn't help your hen do situ. As a PP said, I reckon you should go on the STEN and enjoy it!

(Also in Norfolk, 35F with 3DC).

My friends had a ‘STEN’ party. Because we’re more just a big group of friends of all genders and leaving out half the group wouldn’t feel right.
If you’re friends with your oh friends and their partners just have a sten party

Who do you play ball sports with? Invite those people. Are you inviting any of your friends to the wedding? Just invite those people to the hen.

There's probably not much you can do at this point to build a close friendship group for a hen party. There's been good advice on alternative hen do front from PP.

Couple of things though.
First, see the following websites. You're not alone in terms of being a woman who likes "extreme" or outdoor sports. I'm certain you'd find women in these clubs.
https://m.facebook.com/norwichclimbing/
https://kingslynnmtb.com/
https://www.norfolkoc.co.uk/oldsite/pages/membership.html
https://www.northnorfolkdivers.co.uk/

Secondly, when your work colleagues have parties do they tell you about them beforehand or only after? I wondered if you were missing cues and you are being invited but aren't realising it because they're not being specific enough for you to pick up on it. Could you be neurodiverse?

If not (or even so) you've probably just never found your tribe within your sex. Nor me, but I'd also much prefer to do your hobbies than go to a spa day.

If you can't find a club where you live btw, lots of outdoors clubs have members spread across the country who only attend extended meets but are still active members and make firm friends.

I can relate OP. I ended up having a day out with two relatives for mine although I never called it my hen do but it was as close as I got to one. It was quite nice. One came to country for my wedding so it was good for a catch up too.

How about getting an activity package ie having a flying lesson, driving a racing car. These are things one usually does alone. Then meet up with your mum for afternoon tea somewhere where you can discuss what you did.
I don’t think it is widely acknowledged how many people have difficulty with social situations or can comfortably cope with only occasions where there are only a handful of people.
There would be no harm in asking someone you know who seems friendly to accompany you to an activity, day out etc. You don’t need to tell them it is in lieu of a hen do. They can only say no they’re busy.
Good luck

Judging by the amount of people who invite their work colleagues and even their mums (!) and groom's female relatives to their hen nights, I suspect you're not the only bride-to-be who hasn't got a large group of female friends.

In these circumstances I would go on a killer mini break with my mum and/or sister, somewhere or something I wouldn't normally treat myself to.

Who will your bridesmaids be? You don't need a hen do at all, but have you got a couple of close friends you could see? My hen do was my best friend from university and my husband's 2 sisters (who I genuinely saw like my own sisters by then (only child)). We went to a favourite city had a wander, a boat ride, posh "afternoon tea" actually for lunch, and then painted pots at a pottery painting place!

I’m the same, no real friends. I’m nice enough but no-one wants to know. 😞
I think the idea of a spa day with your DM sounds great. You dont have to have same kind of thing as your partner. IMO Hen dos are so overrated. Good luck with your wedding and future 🥰

Aw OP, you sound like a lovely person!

This could be a turning point to expand your circle - there are loads of free-to-join Facebook groups for people who enjoy outdoor activities. Mates and Dates is a big group with outdoorsy meet ups across the UK, Wild Women have local groups and Yes Tribe. Rebel Badge club (you have to pay for some things) its like a guides/scouts for grown ups if you like that kind of thing.

I voted unreasonable only because you said you do want a hen do, but are telling people you don't. Can you work out what would work for you, do that? I think there are good suggestions above. Good luck, and congratulations on your forthcoming marriage!

That’s awful 😣 I don’t understand that mindset at all? I’ve lived in 3 different continents and I’ve always had very mixed social circles.

Yeah adult friendships are all about adjusting to new and changing circumstances in both your life and your friends life. I understand looking for friends that share similar circumstances as well, but you don’t need to discard those who don’t fit into that.

Do you ever invite these people to do anything? Maybe they don’t invite you to parties because you don’t invite them? Why don’t you start by having a little party to celebrate getting married. Say you’re doing a thing with old friends as well but you wanted to invite some colleagues to a drinks thing, first round on you.

I don’t have any friends either OP if it makes you feel any better. I also think I’m a nice kind interesting person but no one ever wants to take it any further and that’s fair enough! 🤷‍♀️

You don’t HAVE to have a hen do! We went and got married abroad without anyone but our parents knowing and there were no hen/stags involved

I don't have many friends, so no hen do for me too.
I went for a Spa treatment and fake tan with my 1 friend! It was lovely!