No hen do because I actually have no friends 😔

[Toujoursenfrance]

Not sure what the point of this post is other than to show myself as a massive loser….

I am engaged and me and OH have been chatting about potential stag/hen parties. His best man has thrown up some ideas for his which all sound so brilliant and I am honestly so jealous that I can’t be involved - but am adamant I won’t be, even when they both tell me it would be such a laugh to have me there.

Trouble is, I don’t think I’ll be having one myself. Because I don’t have any friends. Never have really. I’ve had acquaintances, usually people I work with but they never really want to be full friends with me. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m a horrible person. Most people who know me tell me I’m a lovely person with a great sense of humour and a laugh to be around.

I do have one friend that I’ve known for about 17 years but we’ve grown apart over the years since having our respective families and very different life choices/goals etc.
So I’ve been telling everyone I don’t want a hen party whereas I do really.
Thinking I might just book a weekend abroad somewhere hot for just myself while OH is having his, so I can wallow in my loneliness and obvious un-likability!

Goodness. This is such a shame. Do you crave friendship, or not that bothered? Having close friends has always been very important to me, incredibly important. I do have very good friends. It's always come incredibly naturally to me, and having say 4 close friends is essential to me. Do you think you should invest the time trying to develop this? Or is it just not something that you crave?

And how is that for you? ( genuine question)

It doesn't need to be big! Just one or two friends is all anyone really needs. But if you don't have anyone at all, is that a problem to you?

Oh OP I really feel this! Iv always said to my partner if we get married I won’t have anyone except my (very small) family on the brides side, and I don’t have any friends for a hen do and that makes me sad. Seams more common then I realised from this thread.

I used to have a bustling social life but fast forward 2 wakeful children and post natal depression and Iv found myself alone with just a few old friends who have all moved several hours away. All my close local friends just seams to have vanished once I wasn’t able to go to the pub every weekend. Some of the people I considered to be my closest of friends haven’t even been to meet my second child and he is 8 months old! And it’s so hard to make close new friends as an adult I find! X

Sounds like you need to find yourself some active friends. Why not plan to go on an active break - look at gutsy girls. I know they would gladly celebrate with you.

As someone who has had close friendships but never really managed to find a romantic relationship let alone marriage (I’m early 40s) I’m sort of intrigued by the multiple people on here who seem to be able to find people to marry but not to be friends with. As finding someone to marry seems like such a much bigger deal to me, yet requiring some of the same skills. Not meaning to be unhelpful, but if you can put yourself out there enough, and are confident and together enough to find someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with you, surely you can find people who want to go for the occasional drink? Maybe you need to approach it a bit like dating, rather than just expecting it to happen?

In my city there are quite a few women's groups for cycling, skateboarding etc so worth looking into that round you.

I was just saying earlier how weird and outdated the idea of a stag and hen are so I think embrace that and sack it off.

Or ask someone at work if you think you should have a work hen and just go for drinks with them?

Same here @Toujoursenfrance but it took me until my mid 40s to be diagnosed autistic.
I'm not saying that is the problem or indeed is a problem, it's just times like a hen do, marriage, bridesmaids would crop up.

I live a great life without friends, I have people I can call on or rely on etc, but they're not hen do or bridesmaid people.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid and I'm unlikely ever to marry. I guess joint or neither would be the solution.

OP you're not a loser but also, there's no rule saying you MUST have a hen do.
If you don't want to, just don't. No need to force yourself to find 'people to celebrate with'.

Edit : You just want a small thing with someone, so going with your mum sounds OK. Also...you're 41 with kids. A hen/stag is traditionally to celebrate the 'last night' before being married but that ship has sailed for you.

The wedding itself is obviously the main celebration of you getting married, not sure why people are obsessed with events to celebrate an event.

I got married a decade ago and didn't have a hen do for much the same reasons. I did have a couple of female friends but they weren't really into the hen do scene any more than I was, so I decided just not to bother. I think i have some autistic traits so I'd never really got the hang of close female friendship - although I did mostly get on with people. About a year ago I found a group of like minded women through a niche hobby - we're all a bit odd together. It turned out that several of us had got married without hens, so we decided to step out of our comfort zone and do an 80s party weekend! It was a lot of fun, and I hope shows it's fine not to have a hen, but it's also never too late.

I'd be worried if you took yourself off for the weekend you'd just sit weeping and feeling lonely - I think some sort of activity weekend would be much more likely to cheer you up (yoga treat, walking weekend in a national park, National Trust volunteering, all female carpentry workshop... there's quite a lot out there if you research)

There is no shame in enjoying being on your own.

I have a very people orientated job and after work and on days off and holidays, I’m glad to be away from them. Family and my cats are enough.

You're not a loser.
You don’t need to do a hen night.
You could have a small gathering of family members for drinks or do something on your own.
It doesn’t make you a loser.

You’re just not meeting social expectations as you perceive them. Nothing wrong with being a bit different.

I’m a total extrovert OP, I have loads of friends.. and my hen night was crap . Well that’s unfair, it was a nice enough night out but it really felt like we were just going through the motions. It’s such a manufactured idea and the usual hen night antics really do not appeal to me at all. I’ve only been to one other hen night: most women that I know just didn’t bother, because either they don’t get married or the idea just doesn’t appeal.

its nice your OH wants to do the traditional thing, doesn’t mean that you have to.

How about going tubing or skiing at the ski club in Norwich? Followed by a nice meal in the city or afternoon tea at the Assembly House or a brunch/lunch at Cafe no 33 in Chapelfield gardens? 😊

OP I had the same thing, the few friends I had were male so hen wouldn't have worked. I just didn't worry about it because it's a lot of pressure and stress to organise anyway. The hen's I'd been to have been a bit weird anyway so I didn't feel I missed out. DH had stag.

Friend of mine did a joint stag / hen do for similar reasons - one had more friends than the other. It was more of a little party,.it was nice.

If it helps, I have made many female friends in the last few years since moving city and having kids and could do a hen now. You don't know how things can change in your life.

I have definitely been there at points in my life. I have found it hard to make friends in my early 20s and I understand that not having a group of friends makes it harder to make friends, as you don't want to appear desperate. I suppose it's fine when your busy day today, but stuff like hen do's/birthdays etc shine a light on it.

I have got better at it as I've got older and got less scared of rejection. If I see someone a few times and I think we will get on, I'm more likely to "ask them out".

Having regular stuff, like a book group can be great, especially when everyone's busy. Arranging casual drinks can be a bit more of a thing, but if it's in the calendar once a month people are more likely to go and then you can find out if you have other stuff in common.

I hope you have a lovely time whatever you decide to do on your hen do. I would recommend doing something lovely with your mum, and maybe your sister?

Op, I do know what you mean, I do have a couple of good friends but not local, and I have grown up DDs and a dsd but not that circle of friends for a hen do. I'm getting married and not having anything, we will go out for dinner with family and friends the night before (not too late!)

Have you tried apps like Bumble Bff?

I feel you @Toujoursenfrance ❤️ I got married this year 😊 no hen as I had nobody to invite. Tiny registry office wedding as I had nobody to invite. No bridal party as I had nobody to be in it 🙃

I had our first child during the pandemic and I guess having that change in my own circumstances when none of my friends were parents yet really threw things off. As soon as the lockdowns were lifted nobody was interested in going for a coffee or anything, it was nights out, weekends away etc. My DH works away from home (4 weeks away, 2 weeks home) so my friends were used to me always being available but suddenly I had a baby and responsibilities. I tried making arrangements when I could but as I’d turned down so many invitations that guess nobody was bothered about making an effort to follow through on my arrangements. Eventually things just fizzled out.

My family aren’t super close either. My mum isn’t the kind of mum that would want to have a day out with me or do typical mother-daughter type things. She thinks thats weird. She prefers just doing her own thing. And my family can all be quite selfish and prefer doing things only if it benefits them in some way. They’d never think to do something to make someone else happy.
I shopped for my prom dress alone as all my school friends went with their mums but mine didn’t want to go with me. Went to my graduation alone as my parents decided to text me that morning and say they’d rather not sit in traffic trying to get into the city. I shopped for my wedding dress alone as nobody was interested in coming (asked mum and sister and both said they weren’t really up for it). No advice when it came to having my first baby etc.

I have some people I’ll have a chat to at a baby class or whatever but they tend to make a lot of plans for evenings or weekends when their DHs can look after their kids and I don’t have childcare when DH is away other than nursery (and I work the hours DS is in nursery plus some freelance work in the evenings when he sleeps) so I’m not really properly included in the group.
And I have a few work colleagues that I get on with, but again, they don’t really understand my family dynamic as they all have DH home every night to watch the kids or have relatives nearby to take the kids whenever they have plans.
I could pay for a babysitter while DH is away to allow me to make more time for friends but I hate the thought of leaving DS with someone just for me to socialise. And I do have 2 weeks out of 6 when DH is home and I could be more available but if I’m honest, we get 6 days out of 6 weeks where DH isn’t away and I’m not at work and I prioritise making those family days as I think that’s really important for DS.

I’ve just come to accept that at this stage in life I just don’t really have any proper friends.

Maybe this is an ideal time to organise a little weekend getaway with your mum and sister. It doesn’t have to be labelled as a ‘hen’s party’ but an opportunity to reconnect with them.

I hink you're overthinking this OP. I'm a similar age and I really can't be doing with parties and stuff anymore. If I was getting married now I genuinely don't think I could be arsed with a hen do. Why don't you and your Mum and sister just book a mini break?

It's really hard and I feel for you. I had quite a low key small hen do, including family! My other half doesn't have loads of friends but his closest friend (female, like a sister) took him out for a daft day.
If you already have children, maybe just take some time away for yourself or even a fun weekend with them too.
I remember bumping into a lass one night and she was out for the night of what should have been her wedding day. Don't know what had happened but she found a way of getting herself through a difficult time in her own way.
Maybe do the same for you - so you do something to mark your hen, but in your own way and on your own terms!

I actually didn’t have a wedding for this reason, I’ve also got a really horrible family situation so I didn’t have those to invite either really.

this is a bit 'not like the other girls'-y

I' m only a little younger than you, and I know loads of girls/women our age and older who love all this stuff. I'm part of groups on FB like outdooradventure girls, love her wild etc. that have thousands of uk members. Also go to climbing socials at my local climbing place, a paddleboard club etc. I know women who do those hardcore assault courses, one of my friends does circus skills flying around the roof on a trapeze or silk ropes, have lots of other friends in their 30s and 40s who do roller derby...etc.

yes they might not be right on your doorstep but there will be something to do within an hour or so, even if it's just once a month.

you don't have to have a hen but if not having friends is something that bothers you you have to be quite proactive about it once you're out of your twenties.

Why don’t you do something special with your mum, OP? THis is your chance to have some special time alone with her. These moments won’t come your way so easily when you’re married. Could you book into a hotel with great walks and lovely pubs and just spend some time putting the world to rights and sharing confidences?