No hen do because I actually have no friends 😔

[Toujoursenfrance]

Not sure what the point of this post is other than to show myself as a massive loser….

I am engaged and me and OH have been chatting about potential stag/hen parties. His best man has thrown up some ideas for his which all sound so brilliant and I am honestly so jealous that I can’t be involved - but am adamant I won’t be, even when they both tell me it would be such a laugh to have me there.

Trouble is, I don’t think I’ll be having one myself. Because I don’t have any friends. Never have really. I’ve had acquaintances, usually people I work with but they never really want to be full friends with me. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m a horrible person. Most people who know me tell me I’m a lovely person with a great sense of humour and a laugh to be around.

I do have one friend that I’ve known for about 17 years but we’ve grown apart over the years since having our respective families and very different life choices/goals etc.
So I’ve been telling everyone I don’t want a hen party whereas I do really.
Thinking I might just book a weekend abroad somewhere hot for just myself while OH is having his, so I can wallow in my loneliness and obvious un-likability!

Mum and sister to a city break with spa? It doesn't need to be a huge crowd, smaller the better if you ask me.

Going alone is a nice idea

Can you book yourself on a snowboarding group holiday? A good mate of mine goes on one or two of these every year. She's made loads of friends over the years who she gets together with at other times. So you could both do something that you enjoy and also have the opportunity to meet people who share the same interests.

Hag....😀is the term I believe!

Go for it - and enjoy!

At 41 I wouldn't have been bothered at all about not having a hen weekend - I kind of feel like it's the preserve of people in their 20s and early 30s - by age 41 most peoples friendship dynamics have changed hugely and it's not unusual not to feel like you don't have close friends

@Toujoursenfrance I have very few ''Friends'' but someone said ''in a lifetime, you are lucky to be able to count in one hand true friends''.

That is very true.

Quality over quantity.

Good people whom you can trust.

People who even if you have a disagreement or misunderstanding, you can talk it out, apologise to each other, and move on.

Those are quality friends.

I didn't have a hen do either.

This was me OP! (Married ten years last month) It made me sad.

Do you have siblings or cousins?
Can you take yourself for a few treats like a massage or a trip to somewhere you enjoy?
So I guess you aren’t having any bridesmaids?

We went to the races for mine. Is there a racecourse near you? You could throw it out at work - 'anyone fancy a day out for my hen?'

If no-one says yes then obviously rethink.

(Although I was told on here that if you invite people to the hen they also have to go to your full wedding - so that might be an issue.....)

You don't have to have a hen. It's 100% fine.

You sound a lovely person @Toujoursenfrance

Why not invite your mum and your sister, just a couple of nights somewhere, maybe time to connect

Where in Norfolk are you?

Have a joint one! We did as mainly have couple friends, and it was great!

Friend of mine (late 30s) went to this last year and said it was absolutely awesome: https://campwildfire.co.uk/

The OP doesn't want a raucous, drunken weekend dressed in an L plate and veil. But it's perfectly normal to want to mark a big change in your life with some type of event and she doesn't feel she has friends to do that with or to have a regular night out with. It doesn't make her immature, it's just a reminder that her life is full of DP and kids but not much female company.

This. So much drama and effort. Just enjoy a nice holiday. Book a spa experience etc.

“Very different life choices/goals”

Why do people list that as a reason to drift. It’s not a solid friendship if you let goals in life cause distance. Maybe that attitude has stopped you forming friendships?

I find a lot of women stop bothering to keep up with friends when they meet a partner and then wonder why they no longer have any.

I think this is a good point. If you don’t nurture and cultivate friendships or see them as essential that’s fine each to their own but you can’t then conjure up friends for your special events.

OP, Is it that you want actually want friends and the up and downs and the effort that goes with friendships…or do you want to wheel out some friends and feel popular for a night?

I have barely any friends in area which I moved to 2 years ago but I hold my hands up and say that’s completely on me. When I have an event to celebrate I travel back to London as that’s where most of my friends are. It would be nice to have local friends but then I’ve not bothered to prioritise that so I can’t really complain!

I hear you. It's hard to find people whose idea of fun isn't going to bars or restaurants, but they do exist. It sounds like you wouldn't enjoy a hen do anyway, and are putting pressure on yourself because it's what other people do. Just do you. Be true to who are and don't worry about fitting into a mold that isn't authentic.
There must be other outdoorsy women somewhere in your area.

Those hen do parties are awful IMO. It's a bunch of women getting liquored up and tittering about the dildos, lingerie and vibrators you will inevitably get as gifts. That is obviously not your scene. One of my most uncomfortable memories was having a baby shower. I refused a bridal shower or any sort of pre-wedding party, but relatives insisted I have a baby shower and I stupidly went along. Never again.

I’m happy to go to Norfolk and go go-karting. You could have a mumsnet hen! 😂

Aww OP, I felt similar around my wedding. I know you said you’re not that close with your sister but if it was the other way round would you make the effort to do something with her ? If so maybe you could do something nice with your mum and sister ?

Doesn’t to be a spa if that’s not your type of thing - just something that’s a bit of a treat that you’ll enjoy. My colleague went with her mum & sis to a nice hair salon in London for blow dries then had a nice meal in London & a theatre show which sounded lovely.

I would have thought you would have friends being active and sporty like that...There surely must be other women who love stuff like that.

You just need to {somehow} find like minded people.

At College I was the only one not invited to end of term drinks - No idea why.
{I don't drink}..Arranged by a 'Mature student' there who thought she was the bees knees, she had her little acolytes who hung on to her every word...It was her who did the inviting.

However, one of my old tutors is a lovely friend to this day!

If one isn't a ''drinker'' or pub type person, it can be tricky. Especially if one is naturally quiet.

Can’t snowboard but I’d go skiing with you OP!

I'd far rather go for a lovely Hen Mountain bike ride or horse ride than sit in a bar or restaurant.

I missed that in the OP, but totally agree. My friendship circle includes married people who met at uni, newly weds, long term singles, recently divorced, people with 3+ kids, ,couples with no kids, single parents, people who work in finance, education, engineering, writers, stay at home parents, artists. It’s no barrier to friendship.

I’m wary of people who drop their friends as soon as they have kids - or if they’re childfree- as soon as their friends have kids. Or Married people who only socialise with other couples or singles who claim married people are all boring and steer clear of them.

Life can change in an instant and you may soon find you’re not so “different” to those that you felt were too “different” to be friends with.